Absolutely unbelievable DSD is taking the p**s!!!

[louby44]

So DP eldest DD15 has blanked him for 2 months. He's made a bit of progress with DD13 and took her out for lunch on Saturday which he really enjoyed but DD15 refused to go. She did speak to her dad for 5 minutes though.

She has just text him to ask if he can put £25 in her bank account!!
Her mum won't add any more as she already gives her £40 a month and a further £50 every 3 months (for clothes).

DP hasn't even replied to her. I cannot believe that she has the cheek to text her dad to ask for money, it just sums her up!

She should pack in smoking and learn to budget.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

Boo have you read my earlier post about my DSC violent mother?
Have you successfully intervened when your DCs are being neglected, and emotionally abused at the hands of their NRP?

How did you do it?

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

*Hands of their RP, that should be

[BooCanary]

So what do YOU suggest China? Doing nothing, thereby ensuring that they downward spiral into worse, possibly criminal behaviour?

I haven't been in this exact situation, but actually you also don't know the whole picture.

[cls77]

I agree with those who say the slap was needed. She sounded like she was in full rage mode and needed to be stopped very quickly before she hurt herself or others further. This is not domestic violence or a LTB situation, this is a father not knowing what to do to help his daughter and reacting to the physical abuse from her. It is not fair to put this incident with continuous/repeated abuse. Why do people now believe that absolutely no slapping/hitting is acceptable when dealing with children. I for one had many a smack as a child/teen and it certainly helped me to get a grip and realise I had overstepped the mark. I on the other hand, do not agree and get very upset with people smacking their children/teens all the time, especially pulling them along the floor in supermarkets and talking to them like sh!t. There is a clear difference between abuse, and a 2 or 3 in a childhood smack/slap to give them a sense of reality.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

Boo I suggest that NRPs in this situation parent to the best if their ability, continue to put boundaries in place and is not blackmailed or manipulated by their DC even if that means they don't have direct contact.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

The utopia suggested - that a NRP calls in the cavalry and rescues their troubled teen from an abiding, neglectful or just unsuitable homelife with their RP - doesn't exist.

[curlew]

Where on earth is the OP getting flamed?

[impty]

I don't want to flame the OP. It's not a good situation for ANYONE.

A 15 child who is violent and aggressive is not a great person to have around. She does however, have a right to a relationship with her father, and he with her, regardless of past mistakes. They have both made those.

A troubled teenager, needs help not vilification. I don't think the demand for money is anything more than a desire for attention, or a demand to be valued.

The OP pointed out that her dp gives more child support than she receives from her ex. That's irrelevant, and its important to not blur those lines.

I suspect the OP needs to detatch from the situation, support her dp in building bridges with his daughter and disengage from the situation. This is unbelievably hard. She has my sympathies.

What isn't ok is to try and make the father choose his new relationship over the one with his child- I'm not saying that is happening here but it happened many times with my father.

Finally, I do have a great relationship with my step mother, a lovely lady. I would never 'bash' step mothers. I have re read the thread and can't really see where anyone else has either.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

It looks like the gremlins got my reply I posted a while ago - but the OP has (IMO) been unfairly treated.
This thread has been (quote) read with distain and she has also been told that it's not good enough for her to say "she's not my child, there's nothing I can do".

The OP is rightfully pissed off that a violent teen is demanding money from a family that the very same teen has rejected. Telling the OP what her DP should or should not be doing is hardly supportive.
I was angrier than I can ever remember when, after my DSD rejected her family here, she started making demands of my DP and myself. How very dare she? If we were unworthy to speak to or even look at, then our time and money was not available to her either.

[impty]

Well I rejected my father because in my (childish) eyes he'd rejected me when he walked out the door.

I rejected the women who didn't feel I could have a say in his life because I WAS THERE FIRST! Again not mature, but neither were the women competing with me.

15 is still a child. When your family falls apart and adults don't behave well neither will the children.

China your dsd rejected your family. Did she get to grieve for the one she lost? Was she allowed to have say in how her new family looked, the time scale, was she given time to spend with her father without you there? You sound so bitter and angry, I bet she is too. Perhaps you need to detatch and be the adult.

[LtEveDallas]

Bully for you Impty. My DSD has rejected her father because he refused to put his hand in his pocket again. She hasn't rejected me, simply because she knows its me that pays her 'maintenance' and if she does, I will just stop paying.

Not every kid is great. Not every kid is nice. Not every kid needs to be treated like they are above the law. Some kids need to realise that they need to 'give' to 'get'. OPs DSD isn't giving.

We made headway with DSD by being firm, consistent and expecting (at the very least) a considerate and respectful relationship. It's kicked off again now, but already the 'no' has had the desired effect. We shall see.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

China your dsd rejected your family. Did she get to grieve for the one she lost? Was she allowed to have say in how her new family looked, the time scale, was she given time to spend with her father without you there? You sound so bitter and angry, I bet she is too. Perhaps you need to detatch and be the adult.

Course I was angry; my DSD left my DD devastated, my DP bereft and expected everything to go her way! I cut her off completely, refused to respond to her demanding, mocking or petulant texts, blocked her from contacting my DD and left DP to deal with it as he chose. He was brilliant. He continued to set boundaries, refused to be blackmailed, remained in touch with her life (all be it not through her) and withstood the onslaught of criticism from family who considered him unreasonable for not giving in to her demands.

Is she angry? No, not a bit of it! She has grown up, matured, reunited with her Dad and she and I have a closer relationship now than I could ever have imagined we have talked at length about how the two years estrangement looked from both sides - we recognise and acknowledge each others positions and accept those.
Having experienced this myself, and seen how positive DD is now about her Dads choice not to pander to her then, I will never, ever advise a rejected parent to pander to the demands of a blackmailing teen and neither would DSD

[Brotherhoodofsteel]

Ok gonna get flamed but sometimes a short sharp shock is the only thing that will get through to someone who has completely lost it and is acting like a wild animal.
I doubt many people could have handled it better to be honest. He obviously couldn't walk away or restrain her while she was going at him and the slap probably just jolted her out of the red mist.
My dad once slapped me when when he lost his temper, it was the only time he ever laid a finger on me and I deserved it. He never apologised and I never expected him to and I wasn't doing anything half as bad as the op's dsd was doing. We are close and never fell out over it, I love my dad to bits.
Dsd is just using it as an excuse to blank your partner and have a legit reason for treating him like crap.
She sounds like a total nightmare and I hope she grows out of it.

[curlew]

"I will never, ever advise a rejected parent to pander to the demands of a blackmailing teen and neither would DSD "

Neither would I. And that has exactly what to do with an adult hitting a child?

[LtEveDallas]

Nothing curlew. But then that isn't what the thread was about. The thread was about the OPs DSD rejecting her father when it suited her and then asking for money

[curlew]

Really? I thought it was at least in part about him
hitting her.....

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

curlew The OP is ^ there at the top of the page if you're having trouble

[curlew]

So we're not allowed to refer to the backstory or put her behaviour in any sort of context?

[elliebellys]

China,no need to be so rude is there..the backstory is part of it.

[louby44]

I don't feel flamed. It's interesting to hear different views.

It's very difficult to be involved with teens when the don't want you in their lives!

[Onebuddhaisnotenough]

This is the only part of MN on which a grown man hitting a child is validated and congratulated. How about you post on chat or relationships OP. Because the projecting and bitterness dressed up as 'support' and 'advice' here will do nothing to help this child deal with the situation she finds herself in. No her behavior is not acceptable. But his has crossed a line so badly that unless he acknowledges the damage that he has done, his relationship with his child may be over for good.

[Onebuddhaisnotenough]

And seeing that most of you seem to believe that the money is more important than the violence, OP why is maintenance having to be paid via the CSA ?

[louby44]

Money paid by CSA as that is what is ex wife wanted.

Yesterday DSD15 had a fight with her mum, she hit her mum and was very aggressive towards her and called her 'a fucking cunt' - she then told her mum she hated her and didn't want to live with her. Both daughters then left to stay with friends. She only asked them to tidy their rooms.

DP spoke extensively with his ex-wife last night as the girls are totally out of control. Ex w says she cannot live with them anymore and is seriously considering involving the police and social services. They talked about them coming to live with us but that won't happen. DSD 15 is in GCSE year and they live 40 miles away so a change of school isn't a good idea.

Plus they don't want to live here, relationships with their dad are still not good and they have suddenly decided they don't like me either. Apparantly 'we have never got on' (news to me) and 'I've always looked down on them' (news to me again) only ever been kind and loving towards both girls in the 6 years I've known them.

DP has suggested contacting CAMH's to ex wife - who didn't know what that was! He says he will go to family counselling if needed.

DSD15 is totally out of control. It is horrible!

[LtEveDallas]

The OPs husband HAS acknowledged the damage he has done. He has apologised profusely, over and over again. OPs DSD has decided to use his actions as a stick to beat him with (pun unavoidable), despite his distress, his apologies and her own bad behaviour.

OPs DSD has also previously received a police caution after attacking her mother. Her actions have crossed a line too.

The situation the DSD finds herself in is of her own making.

CSA is generally the easiest and most secure way of paying a specified amount of maintenance. It was set up for that reason. Why would a NRP not use it?

What axe do you have to grind here onebuddah?

[LtEveDallas]

Sorry OP, cross posted. Sounds like CAMHS is the way to go, but don't expect miracles. Your best hope is that DSD 2 is just copying DSD 1, and that a firm hand and counselling now will help to nip it in the bud.

Otherwise, I'm sorry, but all I can suggest is 'time'. My DSD was pretty horrible between 14-16, but she did come through (in all areas except cash). And thinking about it, I was a pretty rotten 14 year old, so maybe time is what you need.