Absolutely unbelievable DSD is taking the p**s!!!

[louby44]

So DP eldest DD15 has blanked him for 2 months. He's made a bit of progress with DD13 and took her out for lunch on Saturday which he really enjoyed but DD15 refused to go. She did speak to her dad for 5 minutes though.

She has just text him to ask if he can put £25 in her bank account!!
Her mum won't add any more as she already gives her £40 a month and a further £50 every 3 months (for clothes).

DP hasn't even replied to her. I cannot believe that she has the cheek to text her dad to ask for money, it just sums her up!

She should pack in smoking and learn to budget.

[Fairy1303]

China, yes he should have suppressed it, because yes his chid IS the victim.

And police officers isn't use reasonable force, but I think if they SLAPPED someone, there would be outrage.

Again, never said it was DV.

I wouldn't worry about posting twice, helps get your point across.

[Inkspellme]

I've a 15 year old dd. If she had behaved that way with me or her dad she would have been slapped. Not as a planned disipline but as a reaction from such agression from her. It doesn't make it DV or a LTB situation.

I'd say no to the money but say how much she would be welcome on a lunch -perhaps just her and her dad? TBH, I think she needs a lot more professional counselling. Maybe family therapy for all involved.

[randomAXEofkindness]

Wow.

If dh slapped our dd under ANY circumstances, I would leave him. Your dsd's behavior certainly isn't normal, her parents have obviously done a fantastic job of fucking her up haven't they? Your dh can't very well turn round and whinge about it now, IT'S HIS FAULT! He should be working out what he's going to do to make HER life better - then maybe she won't make his life a misery.

[Dumpylump]

random seriously? Seriously? How utterly offensive. And wrong.
With regard to pp who stated that basically dad should man up and have poor daughter come live with him...how does that work when poor daughter is 15 years old and, judging by what's going on at the moment, would flatly refuse to do so?
We have similar situation going on at the moment (although not quite as extreme, and dp didn't slap dsd as their altercation was over the phone), and I would be furious if dp handed over money while dsd is being so spectacularly out of order. As long as decent amount of maintenance is being paid to mum, and dsd is being told "we want to see you, we love you, but this behaviour has to stop", then no way would I be giving her cash - presumably through dsd2 since she won't see dp anyway.

[Inkspellme]

impty - I think you have a fantastic perspective on it. Good to see it was repaired eventually.

[impty]

I have been 15 with divorced parents, who had partners who were angry that I didn't fit in with the new set up.

I was fucking furious! My whole life had changed in a few short years. I had gone from being a loved child who felt secure to someone who felt unloved (not true-but my perception at the time), and was expected to fit in with the adults plans constantly, they had very little perception of my feelings other than I was 'difficult'.

I was powerless and full of rage.

It took another 15 years for my relationship with my father to get back on track.

Whilst a teen I drank, smoked, demanded money, well did all kinds of things to get some attention. I should have worn a t shirt with LOOK AT ME! On it.

So yes, now I'm an adult I can see that I was a royal pita. But, I also see I was upset and angry and what I needed most was time alone with my parents (separately), understanding, reassurance and kindness. Of course I made this very difficult.

I don't think a slap was the right reaction. I've seen my own dd1 whose 15 get beside herself with rage. I stop the arguement and hug her. She has a cry and often we then calmly chat over the incident before. I do this because I remember the fury I often felt at that age.

I think a request for money is to remind you both that she is still there. Her father should say it can be discussed when he next sees her.

I don't think she's behaving well, but I do think the adults need to behave better.

[curlew]

Her behaviour is not "normal". This is not, whatever anybody says, how teenagers behave. There is something going on that needs fixing, and her father and mother need to talk about it and work together to fix it. I know they are divorced, but they are still parents.

And no, it is not OK, or normal or understandable to slap your own child. Yes, he was hideously provoked. Yes, she behaved appallingly. But there is no way he should have hit her. I cannot believe people are condoning domestic violence in this way. Would it have been OK he had hit his adult partner because she was provoking him?

[Fairy1303]

Curlew, I could hug you. I was starting to think I had gone mad.

[hermioneweasley]

What impty said

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

Would it have been OK he had hit his adult partner because she was provoking him?

Provoked? You mean by assaulting him? Causing (as a minimum) common assault injuries?

This thread has deteriorated into an ethical debate about whether the age of criminal responsibility is to low.

This child committed a criminal act. She is a repeat offender.

The excuses and justifications in this thread are extreme even for the MN anti-stepmum brigade!

[Fairy1303]

China - I am not in the 'anti- step-mum' brigade - far from it.

We are saying that slapping a child is wrong. Where in that have you read any step mum bashing?

[Fairy1303]

Also - you keep highlighting the word child like it confirms your point - I think you'll find it backs up mine - she is a child - he is an ADULT, he should have been able to control himself.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

[Fairylea]

Fairy (from another fairy!) I completely agree with you.

I don't think the daughter will ever forgive her dad. I don't think I could if it was me. I think maybe he's expecting too much to try to repair any relationship they have.

What were the circumstances of the split between the dad and the dds mum? How long ago was it?

I'm not anti step mum either. I am remarried, my dh is a wonderful step dad to my dd aged 10 and my ex is also remarried with two more children, his wife is lovely and dd loves her.

[BooCanary]

I think the slap was understandable, although of course not ideal.
However, what is not understandable is your DP washing his hands of the situation for whatever reason.

He needs to help his DD however awkward, inconvenient or traumatic this may be. Saying things like: her mother let's her do what she wants, so what can I do about it, is not the answer.

Your dp needs to take direct action to help his DD and he needs to do this NOW!

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

Your dp needs to take direct action to help his DD and he needs to do this NOW!

What do you suggest the OPs DP actually does?

[curlew]

I'm not anti step mum. I see no anti step mum sentiments on this thread at all.

I am anti violence. I am anti an adult hitting a child. I am anti blaming a child for being screwed up by complex and unhappy family circumstances.

And I a pro parents- whatever their circumstances- stepping up to the plate and bloody well parenting.

[Fairy1303]

China, you don't genuinely think DP acted in a 'restrained and limited manner', do you?

Snapped ad felt awful, maybe. But restrained and limited? Please.

And actually, it may well scar her for life. By the sound of she already is.

[BooCanary]

Well for a little start, not make a huge issue about £25. Think about a kind and helpful solution to the request - give her £10 to get a T-shirt like her sisters, and offer to take her out just him and her ( and then don't take it personally when she says no). Think of ways to build bridges. Realise she is TRYING to get a reaction, and as an adult, take the higher ground.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

And I a pro parents- whatever their circumstances- stepping up to the plate and bloody well parenting

Do you include step-parents in that? Because what strikes me is that the OP is being flamed for what people perceive as her DPs failure to parent.

Anywhere else on MN, the OP would be sympathised with, asked if she was OK, empathised with how scary it must be to have such violence in her home and not be able to influence it.

Here, the OP is berated because her DSD is being failed by her parents. Go figure!

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

Ok so people are justifying a man slapping a 15 year old. Great. So now we respond to violence with violence? Well how could this possible go wrong

He is an adult, she is a child. He should not be slapping her.

[Fairy1303]

Nobody is flaming the OP, are we reading the same thread?

[BooCanary]

By the sound of it these children are violent, disfunctional young people who need help. Throwing our hands up in the air saying ' what is this poor NRP to do?' Is of no use whatsoever.

Doing nothing is not an option.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

Should the age of criminal responsibility be higher when the victim is the perpetrators parent?
Or should children of any age be permitted to assault their parents with impunity?

Should the OP have tolerated the same violence from her DSD?

[LtEveDallas]

I don't think the daughter will ever forgive her dad. I don't think I could if it was me

Oh please, how ridiculous. One slap as an angry 15 year old is NOT going to destroy their relationship for the rest of their lives. If it did, then I'd suggest this kids has got a damn sight more issues than they all realise.