I'm not interested in his kids

[shouldisaythis]

I have 2 DC of my own, and my DP (who i dont live with but have been dating nearly 5 years) has 2 also. He has them every weekend and works during the week. I have 1 ds who goes to his dads EO weekend and I get that weekend off, other DS is over 16. DP expects me to go stay at his on my weekend off but I don't want to cos I can't be bothered with his DC's. I stay one night usually. I haven't told him the real reason but have said that he should have at least one weekend a month kid free so we can do adult stuff. He disagrees. Well actually he agreed, but as we cant afford to go away once a month he doesn't realise that what I actually meant was "a kid free weekend, rather than a weekend away" which is how i tactfully put it to him. I am also worried he might propose as he has been dropping hints and we are nearly at 5 years together. I've no interest as don't want to live with his kids. I would marry him after kids leave home but not now. I find his DS really annoying and whiny and his DD is always trying to hold my hand and sit on my knee. I work in a childcare setting and I want my weekend off to be kid free.

Same here - resident parent.
It would never work though - he works too many hours.
Shudders at the thought

So its ok for the mother of these children not to want them on any weekends, but if the OP wants one child free weekend per month, she gets roasted?

If a separated father wants a new relationship, then he has to make some room in his life. And I think the OP is quite reasonable to ask for one weekend in four. Most Dads have their kids EOW, so at least they can get some sort of balance in their lives.

Surely a blended family is supposed to blend???? In a together family, everyone has to fit round everyone else, if life was solely about the children, then those households wouldn't function.

I don't think OP is expecting her dp to 'palm them off' on someone. I think she would like him to arrange for them to spend one weekend a month with their mother which isn't actually unreasonable.

OP, I think you're going to have to be honest with him, and tell him exactly what you mean. I understand that their mum is quite amenable to the idea. Is that right?

We don't know why they aren't with their Mum at weekends though do we - my DH used to have his children every weekend because his ex worked weekends. She had them during the day as she was home then as she worked school hours and weekends and he covered the weekends. If I had insisted on him not having them where would they have gone? Occasionally they stayed with grandparents or she took a weekend off but I think it's great that they saw so much of their Dad. Things have changed now his ex has changed her hours and DH has reduced his, but there are more models out there and eow!

We have a blended family and it does blend very well, however when you have children in a 2 parent family, you don't get a break from having them once a month so why you want that in a separated family. EOW is a necessity in some families as it gives the children quality time with both parents but surely most parents would want every weekend with their kids if they could?

My DC go to their Dad eow because they should have time with him but as their mother I would prefer to have them more often than that.

Don't get me wrong, child free time is essential every now and again to preserve your sanity and have some grown up time but I do think she is unreasonable in expecting him to ditch them for a whole weekend once a month.

Assuming he does only see them at weekends then that would be cutting down his time with them down from 8 days a month to 6 - 6 days with your kids a month is not very much!!

I'm still married, I have never had a child free weekend with my DH. So no one is entitled to child free weekends.

Logic? I have never done it, so no one else is entitled to.

My DH (and therefore we) have his kids "fulltime", as I obviously knew when we got together. And now we have a DD "fulltime". I still feel "entitled" to childfree time, and was upfront with him about that both before we became seriously involved, and before we had DD. If he had said no to that, the relationship would not have progressed. As it happens, he feels the same way. We have made an explicit promise to one another to have childfree time regularly - both the occasional evening and, where our budget and childcare arrangements allow, weekends away. Am laughing at the idea that this makes us less loving or less capable parents than those who choose never to be apart from their little angels, be they biological or step!

I would happily spend every weekend with my dc and I still miss them terribly when they are at their dads but its different when a) they aren't your own dc and b) when they disrupt the whole household and generally ruin the weekend for everyone else and unlike with your own dc you daren't criticise or tell them off because it's not your place to do so!

Excellent post Kaluki.

Agree Kaluki and petal02

elvis not everyone is the same though; I know plenty of together parents who do prioritise child-free time together; at the expense of other family activities, because they recognise how important it is for them. Are they wrong, because in your opinion 'together parents' aren't entitled to that?

As for all parents wanting every weekend with their DCs if they could - that's just not true. I could have every weekend with my DD, if I had chosen to stay with her Dad, or had chosen to exclude her Dad from her life - but I didn't, and wouldn't, even though I could and can. I do not want my DD to spend every weekend with me because there would be a gap in her life without her Dad in it, but she would be subject to hostility and tension if he and I remained together.

And, I may well be in the minority, but I have always found being a mum bloody hard work, and frankly, I enjoy the break. I insisted that my DD and her Dad spent a long weekend with his parents, leaving me home blissfully alone, when she was a few months old, and I have always prioritised child-free time for myself throughout her life. I am fortunate that my DP feels the same way; had he insisted that we shared all of our time together with one or more DCs (his or mine) as well, then it wouldn't have worked.

It seems that for whatever reason, the OPs DP is no longer prepared to accept her desire for child free time; which seems to bring a natural end to the relationship, really.

Brdgrl no one who has kids is entitled to child free weekends. It might be nice.
However the OP has a DP who doesn't want child free weekends. The choice needs to be made by her which does she prefer DP+kids or no DP? Admittedly he may then need to choose OP with some child free weekends, or no OP. but that is life, we can't always have what we want.

Not a disney Mum - I also enjoy child free time, I am not for a moment suggesting that it's a bad thing to be without your DC some of the time. I personally wouldn't want that once every single month espcially if I only saw my children for 8 days a month anyway like the OP's DH in this instance.

Of course it comes down to personal choice and everyone is different however the OP's DH wants to spend every weekend with his children and regardless of what I, you or anyone else thinks that is the choice he has made. The OP wants him to choose her over the children one weekend a month and he seems reluctant to do so therefore the OP has some choices to make.

I don't think the OP comes across well and I do think she is wrong to try to alter the arrangement he has with his children already, you don't and that's fine I can agree to disagree but that doesn't change the fact that the OP has some soul searching to do if she is to continue in that relationship. It doesn't matter what we all think/do - the OP's DH is entitled to his opinion also.

Actually everyone is entitled to do what they want with their time regardless of whether they have dc or not.
If that means sending the dc to stay at the grandparents or wherever so that a couple get some child free time then what is the problem.
IMO It is vital for couples to have time together alone especially in a step family situation.

elvis the OP has made it clear in later threads that she is happy for things to stay as they are - she is not the one demanding anything!

It is her DP who is seeking to change things - but is not expecting to have to change anything himself. He has made it clear that he wants every weekend with his DCs and the OP to move in. It's not unreasonable of the OP to say that she would want some one-to-one weekends with the man she lives with, any more than it is unreasonable for him to refuse, is it?

disneymum, I am happy to agree to disagree with you on this one as I said before. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I'm sure the OP and her dp will either work it out or they won't

I think its very important to spend some 'child free' time with your OH. I didn't with my XH, we very rarely went out together and to save getting a babysitter we went out seperatly the last few years. Looking back this was a mistake as you need to work at your relationship and I find that its easier to talk away from the house without distractions. I am now engaged to DP and I have 2 DC's and so does he, there is also another on the way. We have already said how important it will be to continue to find time for just us, the same as I think its important to occasionally have time with just your own DC's as not all kids (my DS included) embrase the 'blended family'

Kaluki not everyone has grandparents who can take kids or can afford paying alternatives. People might be entitled to do whatever, but for many people it isn't possible. The top entitlement if for kids to be cared for.

I do favour child free time, but a whole weekend can be a luxury some families can't manage (and child care for that would be far trickier than the odd night out).

Well if they can't get babysitters that's different isn't it, but if they can then they are entitled to do so!!!!!
DP and I have never had the luxury of a holiday by ourselves as a couple, we had very limited 'dating' time and we have never lived together without dc as a lot of first time married couples have.
We need our child free weekends to do the things that most 'normal' couples spend years doing before they decide to have dc.
also when I was a single mum the only time I ever got a good nights sleep was on my child free weekends. My married friends envied me but I envied them the security of having another person to share the children with every day.
So yes, sorry but I AM entitled to EOW child free. It makes up for all the stuff I have to put up with the rest of the time!!

I really don?t know if DH and I would ever have got our relationship off the ground without any child-free weekends. We would never have been able to do the normal ?couple stuff? that people do before their children come along.

This is another example of why blended families are so difficult: in a ?traditional? situation, a man and woman get together, have the usual ?courtship? period, and then when they have children, they?re established as a couple and that relationship is the primary one in the household. But bring children from previous marriages into the equation, and you often lose the honeymoon period, and frequently the primary relationship (rightly or wrongly) is between the father and their non-resident child(ren). So the new wife is often on back-foot whilst the child enjoys the status of an adult.

It?s just not natural!!!!

People might be entitled to do whatever, but for many people it isn't possible. The top entitlement if for kids to be cared for.

...and the OP isn't suggesting that the DC's aren't cared for - she is saying that her DP is pushing for her to live with him, and possibly commit to marriage, despite the fact that he is not prepared to consider any child free weekends.
As far as he is concerned, if he and the OP are at home at the weekend, then the DC's can be with them - he doesn't appear to place any value on time alone together as a couple.

The OP isn't unreasonable to ask for that time alone with her partner/spouse, and her DP isn't unreasonable to refuse, either; it is an incompatibility that can only be overcome if one or other is prepared to compromise their own position. The fact that both adults are struggling to form a relationship with their DSC is a separate issue that undoubtedly would benefit from being addressed before the OP and her DP form a family unit, if indeed they do.

I hope that this thread has helped the OP by showing that many people consider what she is asking for is a valuable part of a relationship, but that equally, her partners position is not unusual either, and many parents (be they together or separated) do not consider time together as a couple a priority.
No-one is right or wrong, they are just different viewpoints.

Petal and Kaluki - you have both echoed exactly what I have been saying to my DP the last week or so.