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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I'm not interested in his kids

170 replies

shouldisaythis · 14/06/2012 15:52

I have 2 DC of my own, and my DP (who i dont live with but have been dating nearly 5 years) has 2 also. He has them every weekend and works during the week. I have 1 ds who goes to his dads EO weekend and I get that weekend off, other DS is over 16. DP expects me to go stay at his on my weekend off but I don't want to cos I can't be bothered with his DC's. I stay one night usually. I haven't told him the real reason but have said that he should have at least one weekend a month kid free so we can do adult stuff. He disagrees. Well actually he agreed, but as we cant afford to go away once a month he doesn't realise that what I actually meant was "a kid free weekend, rather than a weekend away" which is how i tactfully put it to him. I am also worried he might propose as he has been dropping hints and we are nearly at 5 years together. I've no interest as don't want to live with his kids. I would marry him after kids leave home but not now. I find his DS really annoying and whiny and his DD is always trying to hold my hand and sit on my knee. I work in a childcare setting and I want my weekend off to be kid free.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 19/06/2012 13:40

I simply wouldn't marry or live with anyone who wasn't able to love my DS. I certainly wouldn't have had more DCs with a new partner if there was going to be any discrimination between them- or where the extended family-grandparents etc treated them differently. They are equal siblings and treated like that by all the family.

osterleymama · 19/06/2012 13:43

You don't have to love a child to be affectionate to them. I find it strange not to have feelings of affection and care at least for a child you have known 5 years. If you can't love children who aren't biologically yours then perhaps don't engage in a serious relationship which involves other peoples children.

exoticfruits · 19/06/2012 13:46

Especially when that DC has half the genes of the person that you love!

NotaDisneyMum · 19/06/2012 14:59

Feelings of love develop naturally over time - just because DSS is my DPs son, doesn't mean I love him!
I have developed feelings of affection and fondness for him because of who he is as an individual - but I will never feel that 'lioness, protect-at-all-costs' love for him that I do for DD.

As a stepmum, my DSC can be cut out of my life overnight. In order to help DD and DP cope with that loss --if- when it happens, I need to maintain my own composure - maybe loving DSS is a luxury I don't have?

Kaluki · 19/06/2012 17:13

"I simply wouldn't marry or live with anyone who wasn't able to love my DS."
But nobody can love your DS like you do and it is unreasonable to expect them to.
I dont expect DP to love my dc - i love them and so does their Dad and the rest of their family. I believe DP cares about them as I do his but I certainly don't love them like mine. True they have half his genes but that makes no difference at all.

exoticfruits · 19/06/2012 17:25

Maybe not but my DH never says he has 2 DSs and a DSS - he refers to them all as 'our' DSs and ' our eldest DS'. Whatever he may feel, they are treated exactly the same and he has an equally good relationship with all. All the DSs have 3 lots of grandparents and they treat them the same. We are one family.

DizzySometimes · 19/06/2012 20:21

I'm glad that works for you, exoticfruits, but different things work for different couples. I agree with other posters who state that step-parents do not HAVE to love their stepchildren, and I think it's unfair to expect everyone to act the same. Depending on when you may become involved with your stepchildren, you may not get the chance to build up a proper relationship with them. Having read 'Stepmonster' (which I read after recommendations on here), she is quite clear that forming any bond, for instance, after the children have become teenagers can be tricky, and I can attest to that. I don't feel I know my DSS (who is 15), or have any particular role in his life, and I don't think that's 'wrong' - just the way it is, and as long as I act in a caring manner towards him and supportive of my DH then I feel I'm doing my part.

EightiesChick · 19/06/2012 20:27

'I work in a childcare setting and I want my weekend off to be kid free'

I can't help feeling sorry for the kids you work with as well as the ones you live with. You and your partner seem to be short-changing them. No parent is entitled to kid-free weekends, as you seem to think.

ledkr · 19/06/2012 20:37

My dh doesnt have a weekend without children because he chose to marry me who has many.

Why dont you palm yours off more often during the week and have some child free time,why has it got to be his kids?

Poor kids,im so glad my ex hasnt met a sour faced woman like your good self.

ledkr · 19/06/2012 20:38

Beautifully and simply put exotic

NotaDisneyMum · 19/06/2012 20:52

But why should the OP have to put up with someone elses DPs at weekends if she doesn't want to?

If The OP and her partner were both with an arrangement that limited her contact with his DCs, would it be wrong? Or is the OP only wrong because her DP is pursuing a more conventional lifestyle; so suddenly, the arrangement they have had for five years is no longer in the DCs best interests?

NotaDisneyMum · 19/06/2012 21:07

Both *happy with the arrangement

brdgrl · 19/06/2012 21:38

No parent is entitled to kid-free weekends, as you seem to think.

And why not? Frankly, if my DD is being well cared for by someone competent, trustworthy, and who has her best interests at heart, why should I not feel okay having an occasional weekend away? Seriously, I am perplexed by this. I know many women where I live who regularly rely on their own mums or sisters to take the kids for weekends - I wouldn't do it often, but I am envious of those who have the ability, and frankly - heartsick that my mum lives too far away to do the same, as I know it would be wonderful for her and for my DD. Anyway, I certainly am not going to stick out the next 16 years without a child-free weekend with my DH. If you want to, I won't judge you openly for that.

My DSCs are my family - we are "one family" and I know they think of me, and my extended family, as "their family". But they would be hurt and aghast to hear me speak of them as "our" kids. They don't want that. They know exactly whose kids they are. They are not mine. We can all accept that and still care for one another. That is what works for them, the kids, so why should any one else think they have a better answer...? Again, stepfamilies come in many varieties; this is not a 'one size fits all' life we are all living...

SerendipitousHarlot · 19/06/2012 22:00

Absolutely right, brdgrl.

And this thing about loving your sdc.... and your dp loving your dc.... it just isn't the case for everyone. I'm highly suspicious of people that say that they love someone else's children as their own. I don't love ANYONE else's children as my own, apart from my own!

EightiesChick · 19/06/2012 22:28

I'm not saying no parent should ever have child-free weekends, brdgrl - of course people are going to take this up sometimes (as I do). The OP seems to think it's an entitlement and that this should be the norm for her weekends, rather than a variation on the usual.

NotaDisneyMum · 19/06/2012 22:51

But it is - everyone is entitled to spend their time with whomever they please!

A parent has to consider their responsibility to their own children - but is fully entitled to expect to be free of responsibility for anyone elses children, especially if that is the role they fulfil all week.
How are the OPs partners children any different from the charges that she is paid to care for all week? She doesn't live with them, has no parental responsibility for them, no authority over them and doesn't like them very much - why would she actively choose to spend time with them?

DizzySometimes · 20/06/2012 00:12

Totally agree, NADM. I don't really think it says anything bad about the OP that she wants child-free time when she works with children all week (and has that option, as her children are not with her during the weekends). On a similar vein, I work with the elderly and love it, but appreciate my time away from them (if only to save my voice from making myself heard!), so why should the OP be lambasted for feeling the same about her work? What does that say about OP as a parent? Absolutely nothing, in my view. If she's made arrangements for herself to have children-free weekends, then why on earth shouldn't she expect it and be entitled to it?

OP - hope you're able to come to a solution that suits all of you.

exoticfruits · 20/06/2012 07:24

All my DCs are 'ours'- I simply wouldn't have had more if they were going to be 'ours' and the eldest had to stay on the outside as 'mine'. I have 3 DCs and we are a family of 5 - we are not a family of 4 with an extra.

exoticfruits · 20/06/2012 07:30

It would work if you each have your own DCs or only one of you - it becomes difficult if you have joint DCs and some are more equal than others.

Eliza22 · 20/06/2012 08:56

I remarried 3 yrs ago. He has 3 and I have 1 from previous marriages. We "went out" for 4 yrs before marrying.

We had every other weekend "off" having synchronised our kids weekend years ago. That way, ours could all be together on the "our" weekend. We also had "his" midweek for a Wednesday night sleepover. We also obviously have open house for "his" as they only lived 5 mins away. It was flexible but still worked on the basis of every other weekend, was our "kids" weekend.

They've pretty much grown up now, so they come when they want to. Always welcome.

Now, I think it would have been much harder had we had them or some combo of "them" every weekend. It is not the same as them all being "mine". They were teenagers when I came along, not kids, as such. I'm not a bad person but, my youngest sd (now grown) was shocking..... Really resentful and rude to me, from the off. Had I had that every weekend, all weekend, I'd have struggled massively. Dh's other two were fine and I adore my eldest sd and am affectionate and genuinely interested in/look forward to seeing them, when they come.

I understand what the op is saying. Not all combined families can be like "The Waltons"

exoticfruits · 20/06/2012 09:03

I think that everyone has to work it out themselves-it is a lot simpler if you don't have DCs together-that really makes the difference. I am not prepared to have 3 children and not have them treated equally by everyone. If you have 'mine' and 'yours' it is much easier to treat them differently.

Eliza22 · 20/06/2012 09:11

But exotic....they are (especially when you come to them as teens) mine and yours. My youngest sd especially made it very clear from the off that we were not one family. It was her choice and I gave up trying. I had this ridiculous notion that we could indeed be one big family but they, the kids, didn't want that. When we are together, it's lovely. But no, as much as I tried, there has never been that feeling of "one". For a long time, this made me sad but it's how it is.

Had I come over all motherly with my youngest sd, it would have been very very inappropriate and unwanted by her. The best I could do and did always do, was to welcome her, try to make her comfortable and just be kind.

brdgrl · 20/06/2012 09:12

but exotic you haven't replied to my point - my DSCs don't want or need to be "ours". Why assume that it is always in the children's best interest to do things in one way? In our home, it is very important to my DSCs emotional well-being - and it is their reality -for their actual parentage to be recognised and for an appropriate level of separation to be maintained. And yes, that works for all of us.

What is an appropriate level of separation? I guess that depends on many factors, including age of children at the time the stepfamily is created, how the stepfamily came to be, what residency arrangements are....frankly, I don't see how you can be so smugly sure that your setup would suit another family.

Moreover, this is a classic setup for 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' - if all stepmums were to pursue this approach, the MN cries of "overstepping!!!" would be deafening.

mummytime · 20/06/2012 09:26

I'm still married, I have never had a child free weekend with my DH. So no one is entitled to child free weekends.

Second if a friends kid wanted to hold my hand, have a hug etc. then I would and not resent it (unless it took me away from my own child).

Third maybe the kids are Whitney because they sense you don't want them?

Fourth, find a new partner, it's not fair to string this one along, you want different things.

mummytime · 20/06/2012 09:27

Whitney = whiney [ipad emotcon].

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