I'm not interested in his kids

[shouldisaythis]

I have 2 DC of my own, and my DP (who i dont live with but have been dating nearly 5 years) has 2 also. He has them every weekend and works during the week. I have 1 ds who goes to his dads EO weekend and I get that weekend off, other DS is over 16. DP expects me to go stay at his on my weekend off but I don't want to cos I can't be bothered with his DC's. I stay one night usually. I haven't told him the real reason but have said that he should have at least one weekend a month kid free so we can do adult stuff. He disagrees. Well actually he agreed, but as we cant afford to go away once a month he doesn't realise that what I actually meant was "a kid free weekend, rather than a weekend away" which is how i tactfully put it to him. I am also worried he might propose as he has been dropping hints and we are nearly at 5 years together. I've no interest as don't want to live with his kids. I would marry him after kids leave home but not now. I find his DS really annoying and whiny and his DD is always trying to hold my hand and sit on my knee. I work in a childcare setting and I want my weekend off to be kid free.

5 years is a long time. His DD was only 5 when you started going out?

You need to leave this relationship and find someone who doesn't have kids/whose kids are grown up/be single.

There are no winners here. I enjoy my free time and lord knows I wouldn't give it up to look after someone else's kids unless I loved him and them. Nowt wrong with that.

What is wrong is thinking that you can somehow change his parenting. You can't, or rather, if you could, he would be a prat. He has kids, he loves them. Your needs are secondary to theirs.

It sounds like all concerned here, you, him, his children and yours will be better off if you separate. Your expectations are not reasonable and you need to find someone without children who will give you what you want. It doesn't sound like you're very invested in this man anyway. And if you feel this way after five years it's not going to get better.

I think it is your honesty that lets you down here, and your turn of phrase. I can completely understand why you would want some child free time if your own dd is absent every other weekend. It is easy to think of how their mother is having every weekend free, and you get no time "off". Doe she work? If so I find it odd that she wouldn't want any weekend time with the children herself. It's definitely the premium time to spend with children rather than the humm drum of the week days.

Your partner probably treats this time as "special" and so wont use babysitters/ family etc so that the two of you have time alone like he would if he and their mother were still together so it becomes suffocating.

However, if he is happy with this amount of time withhis children, it would be cruel of you to expect him to cut it down, and no doubt unsettling for the children so probably better if you cut your loses.

5 years is a big investment to throw away though - is there no way around it- babysitters etc?

"I find it really sad that just because a relationship has broken down a child free weekend appears to have suddenly become a God given right"

This is a highly logical statement, and I agree that the attitude of seperated parents is often that someone their ex should "give them time off". But no matter how logical it seems when you are with th epartner of your children, it just isn't.

For a start if you are with your children's partner, you love them equally - you chose to have them and you commited to raising them. No matter how hard work they are - your love is unconditional and unwaining. You can be honest with each other when they are driving you up the wall and you can confidently hand them over to Mum & Dad or a friend if you need to get away from it all. As a step parent you have none of these luxuries.

I'm not condoning OP's attitude - it's fairly whiffy, and the children must take priority, I'm just saying I can sympathise.

Quite simply you can't have him without his DCs. They are not going to magically disappear when they get to 18yrs!

Im confused because in one msg u say you only see him once or twice a week then u say you spend the whole weekend watching spongebob....

Weird...

Either way, u are clearly different parents and dont seem to match..

Think u need to find a childless man!!

I can't believe I just read ur post op. just get a new man Ffs!! It's good that u know what u want but why waste time with a package deal if u want a solo adventure????

Actually op I totally disagree with everything you say and this comes from someone who has divorced and then met, dated and married my dh without ever begrudging his dd's being around and he has never objected to my ds being around. In fact in the last 4-5 years we have only ever had 1 child free night and that was our wedding night when my Mum took all 3 children for us.

Also yes you are forcing his children to have a relationship with you. 5 years you have been together since his daughter was 5 years old, you have been a constant in her life for half of her life! By continuing the relationship with her Dad you are forcing a relationship on her and the other children, you can walk away from it, she can't, she has no choice.

I have tried looking at this from all the angles I have experience of, that is as a; stepchild myself where both my parents re-married and as a stepmum to my beautiful dd's and as the biological parent to my ds with dh as his stepdad and I just can't see this ever being ok on any level or healthy for anyone involved.

Coming back to this after a night's sleep, I can see that you have maybe come to a decision that this is not the right relationship for you, OP, and after reading your later posts I can see why. If things were to progress, you'd never make it as a blended family, I don't think - all children want and like different things but there is too much difference here for people to cope with without a lot of resentment.

I wish you the best in your decision.

I don't see how a man can put his life in compartments - or why he would let someone do it for him. He doesn't come alone and if he has DCs and you don't want a relationship with them then you find someone else.

I know a number of couples who haven't 'blended' - the DCs have a passing relationship with their 'step-parent', may go out for a meal all together etc but there is no everyday family interaction.
Some live together, some in separate homes - but both adults are happy with the arrangement.

OP - your DP clearly wants more from your relationship than you do. He will have to choose whether he is happy to continue with you the way things are, or whether he wants more. Given what else you have said about your relationship, I think it's probably run its course.

Wow - you've had some harsh comments in this post - and not entierely fairly I don't think. You've not suggested that you're mean to his DC in any way, just that you'd like some time without them.

I'm in a very similar possition to you (DCs with me in the week and alterate weekends, DP has his DCs every weekend - so I stay at his on my free weekends), and DC are similar ages to yours. I do like being around his DCs, and am about to move in together. But do completely understand how it feels to have very few times together without the DCs. I also do the same as you of sending (or at least encouraging) mine off to bed and having some time together in the week, but then finding his DCs in control of the telly til after DP falls asleep on the sofa at weekends....

However, I do think that if he wants to have his DCs every weekend, and his ex is happy with that (always puzzeled me a bit why DP's ex doesn't appear to want any weekends at all with her own DCs.... but probably not my concern) then it's probably not on to try and alter that substantially.

We have come up with a few compromises that work for us though. These include a weekend or week away a couple of times a year, and a few odd days together child-free too (when he takes them back Sunday am rather than evening). We've also drawn up some better house rules regarding the telly and bedtimes - so his DCs are now off to their own rooms by 10pm (ish). This helps a bit to get us some adult time together whilst the DCs are around. I've also pushed the issue of going out in the evenings together at weekends and DP is now OK about leaving his alone sometimes (if your DP's eldest is 13, would this be a possibility for you sometime soon?) DP is also completely alright about me taking some time out of the weekend so I often go out to see friends a bit, and come back to his to sleep. I don't feel under obligation to be with him and the DCs all the time.

But guess at the end of the day only you can decide whether you would want to move the relationship on as it is at the moment. As I said, we're not yet living together so I can't tell you how that feels, though would imagine that if you find the DCs hard now, you would find it harder if you were living with them.

Could you prempt him proposing by saying that you would like a long term future together but would prefer to keep two houses until the DCs are left home? - or maybe til the youngest is teenage and off having her own social life a lot more?

The sitting on your lap thing is probably her testing boundaries - if you're not happy with it, then just say "oh you're a bit of a heavy lump for sitting on my poor squashed lap, here [shuffle up couch] sit here instead" or words to that effect. My DD does that sort of thing with DP, checking out how close she can get to him. It's up to you to decide what you're comfy with - and if you feel you can't lay down boundaries that you're happy with at present this could be one thing that is making you unhappy around the DCs.

Shouldisaythis- I think you worded your original post badly and have got a strong reaction to that.
Having read the whole thread I do see where you are coming from up to a point.
Your DPs kids sound a lot like my SDC were when we met and to an extent like they are now - DSS can be whiny and lazy and DSD is clingy and needy and because of this at the start I was very unsure if we had a future too. But we talked. He wanted to change these things as well - his DS was very overweight and he wanted to get him out to exercise more, he found his DDs spoilt ways hard to deal with and he admitted he needed help and he was out of his depth with them. So we joined forces and became a team and it hasn't been easy (he is still a nightmare Disney dad at times) but we are both committed to being in this together. That is the difference - you have been with your DP 5 whole years and don't seem to have ever had a talk like this. If you are to have a future you need to be honest with him and if he thinks things are fine as they are and he won't give up a weekend with them then that is absolutely his right and you have to decide to put up or split up.
We only have EOW and with all our kids and our child free weekends in between are a life saver for our relationship. I too couldn't cope with every weekend and to be honest I don't think DP would want that either.

OP, unlike most people on here, I have every sympathy.

However much you may love the man, you can't make yourself love his DC. You can pretend or tolerate them, but underneath, you will never be totally at home with them.

I also do not see what is wrong with wanting to continue having your own life part-time and a shared life the rest of the time. It's the kind of set up which suits so many people. Why try and change it.

However it now sounds like it may be time to let him know (tactfully) how you truly feel and where you see the relationship going.

Also sending lots of sympathy. Currently getting divorced myself with a significant cause being the issue of DSS.

I don't think it's unreasonable that you would want time as a couple, without children. Same issue I had. DD is barely around at weekends (drama, dance, choir, sleepovers, with her friends at the park, away on a school trip etc) so it's not like she's needing attention 24/7 (she's 11). DSS, on the other hand, is autistic and hence with us all the time and it's not possible to do any kind of 'normal' family stuff. Anyway, that's not really relevant as my situation will soon be different when divorced and I am in a far better position to know what I will and won't accept in any future relationships and having another person's child around 24/7 is one thing that I won't do.

But, whether reasonable or not, is the relationship going to be able to continue with the current set-up? If not, then I think it's totally reasonable to walk away and acknowledge that you don't want his kids in the current set-up. Why don't kids have sleepovers/playdates/time at their mother's etc during weekends? Is there a way you could organise such a sleepover for one or both kids? Or have their friends stay over so as they interact with their friends and not pester you and your DP?

What is your question though (your OP doesn't contain one)-why are you posting (not meant to sound rude)?

I think it doesn't really matter if you are being mean or not, or a good parent or not, this relationship is going to founder. You and your DP have a fundamental problem, in that you don't really like or want to take on each other's children, you don't have the same parenting approach, or like your partner's parenting approach, and you don't get enough or the right sort of time together.
It sounds as though it is just time to end it and move on.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP

I can imagine how frustrating it must be to never have any child free time and am amazed its lasted 5 years.

That said, I think you'd be better off with a childless man or a dad with the same child free schedule as you.

I think notadisneymum has hit the nail on the head, different things work for different families and as long as everybody is happy then things don't have to be done a certain way.
It does annoy me on this site that so many mums think that their way is the right way, but where is this book where it tells you that step families need to spend all their time together?
Tonight my DP and his kids will sleep at his Mum's, partly so me and DS can have some quality time alone, also so DP gets some quality time with his kids, partly so his mum gets to see his kids and they love it at his mums, partly so I can have a catch up with my friend when DS is in bed, partly because my ds needs an early night and theres no chance of that whilst dsc are here and also partly because it's just bloody hard work having all the kids here all weekend every weekend and it's nice to just have a night off.
Does this make me a bad stepmum? No, because it suits everybody and everybody is happy with it!

if you meet someone and they have children then the kids come as part of the package. If you truly care for your partner you should care for this children.

"I find his DS really annoying and whiny and his DD is always trying to hold my hand and sit on my knee. I work in a childcare setting "

Little bastards!!!!

Please please PLEASE say your a troll!

Its perfectly ok to secretly find someones kids annoying , especially when your not with your own kids and you work with kids and want the odd weekend off from it .

The kids obviously like the Op so it doesnt sound like shes unkind to them . I find my own kids bloody annoying !!

Exactly Diggs. Why is it ALWAYS the case that a SM is never allowed to say she finds the kids annoying? Do all BM's like their children all the time, and never allowed to feel otherwise?

Exactly!
What people forget is that these aren't our biological kids and not all of us can love other peoples kids unconditionally.
I would find it wierd for a 10 year old to want to sit on my lap! My ds is 9 and he wouldn't do it (he'd flatten me ) so the OP isn't belling mean - just honest!

The expectations of step parents and step children by those who have not experienced it always surprises me

My DD who has known DP for 3 years and has shared a home with him 50% of the time for the last 2 years has never hugged him. She says it wouldn't feel right. My DSS used to hug me out of obligation when he thought it was expected (bedtime etc) - until we brought it out into the open and he admitted it felt weird; we no longer hug, and even though he was quite young when I first got together with his Dad, I never held his hand across roads, for instance.

Why should step-parents feel any different? Why should the OP be expected to display false physical affection towards a child who is relatively new to her life?

Why should the child lead the pace of the relationship? If the OP isn't comfortable being considered an equal member of the family, why should she 'put up with it' because it's what the DCs want?
They're not going to be emotionally damaged if the OP sets boundaries on her contact and involvement with the DCs - they will accept it as normal unless someone tells them different

The issue is between the adults in the relationship - not one that the DCs should have any say in, IMO