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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I'm not interested in his kids

170 replies

shouldisaythis · 14/06/2012 15:52

I have 2 DC of my own, and my DP (who i dont live with but have been dating nearly 5 years) has 2 also. He has them every weekend and works during the week. I have 1 ds who goes to his dads EO weekend and I get that weekend off, other DS is over 16. DP expects me to go stay at his on my weekend off but I don't want to cos I can't be bothered with his DC's. I stay one night usually. I haven't told him the real reason but have said that he should have at least one weekend a month kid free so we can do adult stuff. He disagrees. Well actually he agreed, but as we cant afford to go away once a month he doesn't realise that what I actually meant was "a kid free weekend, rather than a weekend away" which is how i tactfully put it to him. I am also worried he might propose as he has been dropping hints and we are nearly at 5 years together. I've no interest as don't want to live with his kids. I would marry him after kids leave home but not now. I find his DS really annoying and whiny and his DD is always trying to hold my hand and sit on my knee. I work in a childcare setting and I want my weekend off to be kid free.

OP posts:
HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 14/06/2012 17:19

I think if you really loved him and were committed to the relationship after five years you would have some kind of bond/relationship with his children (i speak as someone who had to build a relationship with two dss before i was a mum myself)

I think the fact you feel like this after five years speaks volumes.

Original poster
shouldisaythis · 14/06/2012 17:21

yeah I did say that, ihe may be there 2 hours before dinner, I send them up after dinner to get some TV time and I don't think its unreasonable to expect an 8 year old and a 17 year old to entertain themselves for in the case of the 8 year old 30 minutes before bed time and TBH 17yo is never here anyway. Its not toddlers we have....

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 14/06/2012 17:24

I don't see that there's any need to call into question the OP's care for her own DC Hmm

However, I think that, given your feelings about his DC, you really should make it plain to this man that you don't wish to take this relationship any further - either it should stay the way it is, or finish it.

cheeseandpineapple · 14/06/2012 17:26

Not unreasonable to send kids off to watch tv separately after dinner, not sure why so many knickers getting so very twisted over that!

OP, I think you prob do need to say something to your partner about wanting to maintain the status quo and not being ready to move things further along, but possible your partner may want more and be disappointed or feel you lack commitment if you don't want to blend more with him and his children.

Tough one, hope you can work it out..

NarkedRaspberry · 14/06/2012 17:29

If he wants his DCs around and doesn't see a problem with it, then there's nothing you can do. Unless you encourage him to take them 'camping' in the woods.

NB Check them for bread first.

Diggs · 14/06/2012 17:33

I think the Ops getting a hard time here .

Even if they were married and these were joint kids its not unreasonable to not have a weekend off EVER . Why has he not ever arranged a babysitter Op ? Im in a similar position to the Op in that my dcs are at their dads every weekend leaving me child free . I do NOT want to spend that time with other peoples kids and thats not unreasonable .

If hes not willing to make time for you so you can do grown up things on your own id get rid . Its not unreasonable to rejig things around so he can have the odd friday out or get a babysitter .

usualsuspect · 14/06/2012 17:36

I don't think many couples get one weekend a month off, if they have kids do they?

Original poster
shouldisaythis · 14/06/2012 17:38

@narked LOL

The thing is he agreed that we would do something together one weekend a month and he would get the kids different days so we could have a weekend away or whatever. His ex was fine about it. but because we can't afford to go away one weekend a month he isn't taking his kid free weekend because he is home anyway. There is no reason why he couldn't stay the weekend with me, but he thinks I may as well stay with him and then he can have the kids as well. But I want some time with him alone. We either have my kids during the week or his at the weekend. He, (and most of you guys) don't seem to think this is a problem. I maybe didn't word my original posts very well. His kids aren't that bad really i just don't want to be stuck with them every weekend, and TBH it seems I get more than my fair share of the duties, making lunch, washing up etc. Its supposed to be my weekend off...

OP posts:
Original poster
shouldisaythis · 14/06/2012 17:39

And yeah I think its unreasonable that i didnt get to watch the voice so that his DS could watch spongebob

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 14/06/2012 17:40

The voice was crap, I would rather watch Spongebob Grin

puds11 · 14/06/2012 17:40

I don't think that there is really anything wrong with sending your kids out of the living room (OP did say they can go outside etc.) after 8pm. My DD goes to bed at 8pm currently, and when this changes, i will still expect her to be in her room around 8ish so that i have time to get work done etc.

I do agree that this relationship is probably not going to work if you can't stand his kids, and he potentially wants to marry you.

Original poster
shouldisaythis · 14/06/2012 17:40

@diggs we do have dinner out sometimes during the week but its me who gets the babysitter

OP posts:
NarkedRaspberry · 14/06/2012 17:42

If you've told him you want time alone with him and he still hasn't done anything about it, there's not really much you can do is there?

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 14/06/2012 17:43

I understand that you want a night with your dp or a child free weekend.

However in your op you said I find his DS really annoying and whiny and his DD is always trying to hold my hand and sit on my knee

Which sounded quite horrid and selfish. Relationships with step children are difficult but you're the adult.

Diggs · 14/06/2012 17:46

I think you need a straight talk here , its not reasonable for you to have to work round him like this every single weekend . ALL parents have to get babysitters if they want any sort of social or dating life .

He does it because he can and because you seem to not mind . Start going out with freinds at weekend . Thees absoluteley no way id spend every childfree weekend with someone elses kids .

He actually sounds quite selfish and inconsiderate Op . You go round and make lunch , wash his pots and he cant be bothered to take you out the occasional weekend ? When do you have any adult time Op ?

Diggs · 14/06/2012 17:49

So you get babysitters but he doesnt ?!!!

Well it would be the last time i got a babysitter then , hes taking the piss . Its all on his terms . He wont get a babysitter but he expects you to ? Nah .

missduff · 14/06/2012 17:52

I can understand how you feel, when my DS is with his dad I don't want to spend my time with any kids, even my DP's and i agree that every couple needs some time just being a couple, even if it's just one day a month where u go for a walk and a pub lunch.
I envy these super step mums who apparently never get annoyed with their step kids.
Yes you do need to accept his kids but I think if you did get some time just the 2 of you then you might find it easier and more enjoyable when u do spend time with them.

Original poster
shouldisaythis · 14/06/2012 17:53

I suppose that actually the problem is that he mollycoddles his kids so much, he runs after them (or gets me to) they have charge of the tv all the time, they choose whats for dinner, what we do the the weekend and where we go. His DC's will not swim, which is my DC's most favourite activity and I love it too. My kids like adventure and carnivals and socialising, To an extent his DD does too and TBH I feel she misses out on a hell of a lot because her brother doesn't want to. All he wants is computer games and spongebob. When we first started going out we did things together, until clearly I started backing off because his DS nagged and nagged about having to walk, and the final straw came when he actually started crying about it, he'd 5 years older than my DS who managed it fine, it was not a long walk. SO now on my WE with my kids I do all that stuff by myself and my DS, and on my "weekend off" I sit in his flat watching spongebob.

Thank you to everyone who has posted here, you have all helped me come to the decision to put this to an end. Its a very useful tool for self reflection, this anonymous posting malarky. Glad I discovered the site. Oh and BTW it was DP who put me onto it, called me a troll and said you should try mumsnet...

OP posts:
Dprince · 14/06/2012 17:54

Clearly this isn't a relationship that works. End of really.

boohoohoo · 14/06/2012 18:01

Sounds like you have a problem with his DS and Spongebob, its never going to work.

jaquelinehyde · 14/06/2012 18:02

A weekend free from children Shock ... I bloody wish!!!!

Funny thing is here when I became pregnant I kind of realised that child free weekends would be a very, very rare thing indeed.

I find it really sad that just because a relationship has broken down a child free weekend appears to have suddenly become a God given right.

Your comments about these children that you have made part of your life for the past 5 years are disgusting. You are the one keeping the relationship going, you are forcing these poor children to build a relationship with you. Do them a favour and end the relationship and let everyone move on.

jaquelinehyde · 14/06/2012 18:03

Oh and I see dp advised you to come on here...great he will probably read all this himself then and see exactly what you think of his children.

ThatVikRinA22 · 14/06/2012 18:13

time to put this relationship out of its misery id say. Its not going to work if you want such different things and have such differences in the way you raise your children.

you sound very care worn OP. Hope you find what you are looking for.

Original poster
shouldisaythis · 14/06/2012 18:23

@jaque ive changed loads of details, so he wont

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Original poster
shouldisaythis · 14/06/2012 18:35

also @Jaque, When you start a relationship before you have children you get to date and have time to get to know the person, and have every weekend kid free. Unfortunately not all relationships last forever, and you find yourself at the beginning again. But its virtually impossible with children to do that same dating/getting to know you thing, to get to know the "man" and not just the "DAD". SO kid free weekends are very important in a new relationship, even if it is as long as this one, simply because we don't have that time. If you are with the partner who is the DC's other parent, I do not think it is as important because you have done all that stuff already. I would reckon that although we have been dating 5 years, in fact in terms of actual time together alone we are probably only at the equivalent of 6 months for a child free couple. I am not forcing these children to build a relationship with me, that is the point, he is the one trying to force it.

OP posts: