I'm not interested in his kids

[shouldisaythis]

I have 2 DC of my own, and my DP (who i dont live with but have been dating nearly 5 years) has 2 also. He has them every weekend and works during the week. I have 1 ds who goes to his dads EO weekend and I get that weekend off, other DS is over 16. DP expects me to go stay at his on my weekend off but I don't want to cos I can't be bothered with his DC's. I stay one night usually. I haven't told him the real reason but have said that he should have at least one weekend a month kid free so we can do adult stuff. He disagrees. Well actually he agreed, but as we cant afford to go away once a month he doesn't realise that what I actually meant was "a kid free weekend, rather than a weekend away" which is how i tactfully put it to him. I am also worried he might propose as he has been dropping hints and we are nearly at 5 years together. I've no interest as don't want to live with his kids. I would marry him after kids leave home but not now. I find his DS really annoying and whiny and his DD is always trying to hold my hand and sit on my knee. I work in a childcare setting and I want my weekend off to be kid free.

But how many days a week do you have your own children with you?

I haven't rejected her, obviously, I let her sit on my knee. I take an interest in them and hide my feelings, treat them the same as I do my own. I wonder how many SP do the same? And whilst it is a long term relationship, I wouldn't say that I've given any indication of it leading to anything more serious or committed. We see each other once or twice a week and talk on the phone daily, I really do not want anything more than that.

I'm sorry but this is an awful attitude, his little girl obviously adores you, as pp have said its a package deal, not like you didn't know he had kids when you started dating.

I agree that you deserve a weekend kid free but to refuse his proposal because his kids annoy you, that's just bloody mean.

You've been honest. End this relationship, and as others have said find a partner without children.

I'd feel the same as you do, I don't much like kids, except my own, but that's why I'd never date anyone with dependent children.
I really think you need to end the relationship.

I can't believe you have kept this going for 5 years. Do the decent thing and end the relationship, it is not fair on your dp to keep up the lie.

Well i think refusing a proposal is a lot less mean than accepting one and then being "the wicked stepmum". My ex's DW hates my children. You can't make yourself love someone even if they are a child. I mean toddlers are easy to love, and at the start of the relationship I did like them a lot better. I do like the DD I just find that her draping herself over me all the time a bit annoying, my own children don't do that. And his DS can't even make himself a snack and just watches spongebob or plays his 3DS all day, if i suggest going out and actually doing something its whingefest. So basically I have to sit in his flat all weekend if I want to see him. I don't think its BU to say he annoys me cos he whines so much, cos literally if we do anything that involves walking the length of yourself he whines like a baby to the point that Ive given up bothering.

Does your partner like your children?

no, you can't make yourself love/like people if you just don't.

so the right thing to go is to end it with him isn't it.
his kids come as part of the package, and if you can't stand them then you need to find someone without children.

My DP and I have often discussed the value we place on our child free weekends, and how much we would miss them if for whatever reason, we lost that time without DD or DSS.

Good for you for being honest - and for recognising your own limitations. I know how hard it is too accept that it's actually your DP you are struggling with not the DSC, too - I think you deserve to be commended for realising these things in advance rather than blindly marrying and moving in with your DP expecting things to work out - they rarely do, as numerous articles, books and even MN threads are testament to.

Of course, you and your DP need to sit down and discuss things between you. How much longer will it be before the 13 year old wants to spend weekends with friends, or at a Saturday job, for instance? Why doesn't their mum have quality weekend time with them?

Asking him not to see his DCs as much is unacceptable imo, but asking to have a discussion about how you feel, where you both see the relationship going and how he sees the DC's fitting into that is something that you, as his partner, can and should do.
If he refuses to discuss it - then you have your answer

Also, DP has made it pretty clear that he thinks my oldest should get a slap, and if he was his he wouldn't behave like that blah blah blah, where I think he's just a normal lad. So don't think for one minute that he loves the ground my kids walk on, and I never expect him to sit in MY house and watch spongebob, I send my kids up to their rooms to watch TV after dinner if DP is at mine.

It's never going to work then is it?

You send your children upstairs if your DP is in your house?. It all sounds wrong to me.
Do any of you do stuff together? You sound like a pair of teenagers, fucked off that the rest of the family are staying in for the night.

Perfect analogy KhansWitch.

So sad for the kids. OP I think you need to split up.

All the kids are getting a pretty shit deal from all sides tbh.

Yeah I send my kids upstairs if we want to watch something on the telly that Ive taped eg CSI/Bones/something else with autopsy's likely to be shown, either that or outside to play. Believe me its no hardship for them, they have hundreds of friends around and sky tv in their rooms. In fact I do that anyway some nights even if its just me so I can watch TV if want to.

The point that I am trying to make (badly) is that for years we have managed just fine just dating and not having to have too much to do with each others kids. I like his kids enough in small doses, just not enough to be a SP or to spend the whole of my weekend off with them. But he is now seeming to want more. I don't want to split up, I want to maintain the status quo which has worked well so far. We also live quite a distance away from each other so its not like Im popping in to see him or him me.

Are you actually "interested" in your OWN kids OP?

Does anyone actually like any of these children?

This is not actually about the kids, is it? It is about that you and DP want different things from this relationship. It won't work if you can't be honest about your feelings and expectations.

@the Khanswitch...really? not if DP is in the house, after dinner Im talking about 8pm. I take it you have your DC's with you 24/7 and love every minute? I take my kids swimming every Sunday I have them, also picnics after school, lots of afternoons at the beach (we live near a loch so we are there all the time). I am there at the school gates every day, volunteer at the school, I play a very active part in the lives of my DC.

But thats not going to happen OP is it? Unless you put all the children into care?
Either be willing to become more involved or bail out.....

@akaemmafrost, I gave up a very well paid job because it was so hard to be away from my DC, so yes.

I send my kids up to their rooms to watch TV after dinner if DP is at mine
You said that.

The man hasn't been born yet, that i'd send my children up to their rooms because he was in the house.

Er his kids have a MUM that never sees them as they are at school or at DPs she is living it up EVERY weekend kid free doesn't work she gets generous maintenance from DP and doesn't need to....