I'm not interested in his kids

[shouldisaythis]

I have 2 DC of my own, and my DP (who i dont live with but have been dating nearly 5 years) has 2 also. He has them every weekend and works during the week. I have 1 ds who goes to his dads EO weekend and I get that weekend off, other DS is over 16. DP expects me to go stay at his on my weekend off but I don't want to cos I can't be bothered with his DC's. I stay one night usually. I haven't told him the real reason but have said that he should have at least one weekend a month kid free so we can do adult stuff. He disagrees. Well actually he agreed, but as we cant afford to go away once a month he doesn't realise that what I actually meant was "a kid free weekend, rather than a weekend away" which is how i tactfully put it to him. I am also worried he might propose as he has been dropping hints and we are nearly at 5 years together. I've no interest as don't want to live with his kids. I would marry him after kids leave home but not now. I find his DS really annoying and whiny and his DD is always trying to hold my hand and sit on my knee. I work in a childcare setting and I want my weekend off to be kid free.

Not everyone is 'entitled' to spend their time with whoever they please, because not everyone is in that position to make that happen. That is in fact the OP's situation - she wants her partner free of children at the weekend, he wants his kids. And as was said in the very first response to the thread, that is an either/or given her partner's choices. So she has to pick.

mummytime - yep, agree with all your points.

It depends on your circumstances and personality. I would just walk away if I couldn't at least be extremely fond of the DCs.

eighties - the point is that some responses on here have condemned the OP for not wanting to move in, marry and become a mother-figure to her DCs.
It may be what her DP wants, but is the OP wrong for not wanting the same thing?

It is an issue between the adults - one wants to change the relationship (live together, get married) the other doesn't, for her own reasons. Just because those reasons involve her feelings towards her DPs children doesn't mean the OP's feelings are somehow evil, wicked or to be condemned!

exotic Have you been on the receiving end of a resentful DSC who resents your very existence?
It is all very well saying 'I am such a good person, I would walk away if I couldn't love them like my own' - but the reality is that a DSC who is rude, steals and abuses you is very difficult to like or be fond of no matter how hard you try.

What is so wrong with OP wanting to NOT spend time with his kids every single weekend?

I know so many birth mothers who do not want to spend every weekend with their kids and are perfectly open about it, but if a step parent dares to utter the same words may lightning strike her down.

What is wrong with a bit of compromise here from BOTH the adults? Why does she have to give up her time with her kids for him but he won't give up his time with his kids? If she only sees her own kids in the evenings and EOW, she is really only getting the same amount of time as he is by him having them all weekend every weekend, so why is she the one having to make the sacrifices?

And I am always a bit that no-one notices that the birth mother actually doesn't want to ever spend a weekend with her own children but people on here say nothing of that but critisise the OP for not wanting to be with the kids!

I'm sure that when you are with the father of your children it is easy to draw the comparrison that "WE never have a child free weekend" but it is plainly not the same thing when it is A, someone else's children (and that is even when you do like them) and B, when your partner spends every waking moment entertaining them and pandering to them and the whole weekend revolves around the children and what they want to do, eat, visit, say... add to that the fact that the behaviour is often very poor and you have none of the normal mother's rights to discipline them and what you are left with is something that is poles apart from the set up of a married couple who have their own children every weekend.

Imagine having your children every weekend, working all week, not being allowed to discipline them or even say anything negative to your partner about how noisy they are or how tiring or how annoying children's TV is, then imagine you're never allowed to get a babysitter either... yes - it's easy this stepparenting lark

redhen I said as much at the start of the thread - if mum doesn't work and spends all day with the children then fair enough I suppose. If they're not at school.

But if they're at school or childminder/ nursery then yes it's very odd that she hasn't asked for 50/50 weekends. Weekends are the best time with children, not the hum drum of packed lunches, rushing drop off so you can get to work, book bags etc - this arrangement doesn't seem right for the children more importantly than anything else. Plus it means they are seeing Daddy as the entertainment rather than the parent.

Oh, thank you BRDGRL, NADM and NAMBYSM .... You two always reassure me that I am not "the wicked evil stepmother". I maintain that often, with the issues which can be faced within the co-joined family..... Some child free time is an essential!

I just find it astonishing that a 13 yo likes watching Spongebob.

Tell him that you want to do stuff and not just sit around all day; tell him it's really boring (most people hate to be told that, and it can have a marvellous effect). You could go out with his dd and leave the 2 couches behind for a few weeks and see what happens.

Not quite NotaDisneyMum - I walked away. You get them for life - they don't go away at 18yrs. If a man has DC they come as a package and obviouly his ideal is to have them full time.

Well yes Exotic, and that's fine. But if it is the case then SM has to be given "Mum" status in the house. Not their mum but the mum.

Dad also needs to realise that it is normal to get a babysitter every so often.

If he doesn't, then SM needs to walk.

If they were a family with just joint children you would hope that they would get babysitters and go out - or leave them with grandparents but you only have to read MN to see that some parents wear it as a badge of pride with ' we haven't been out for 5 years'! Best to get things sorted first. My experience tells me that if you date someone with DCs you need to think with your head - however much you love them.

obviouly his ideal is to have them full time I don't think that's necessarily true at all. Many separated parents (myself included) value their child's relationship with their other parent and want to maintain some sort of shared care arrangements.

And many parents who were the main breadwinner prior to separateion recognise that providing for children financially is also an important part of parenting, even if that may mean your children aren't living with you all the time.

If the child's two parents are still together, then obviously there aren't going to be very many "child free" weekends - unless you have a very involved extended family, but when you're in a relationship with only one of the child's two parents, it seems normal enough to expect that some of the time their child will be with them, and some of the time they will be with their other parent.

If you have children whose other parent is dead, or not on the scene at all, then you maybe do expect your DP to treat all the DCs the same - and in those situations the step parent would normally feel empowered to do so - but if the two parents are sharing the care of their children after separation the dynamics are not the same for a step parent becoming involved.

I have never known a man say ' I see too much of my DCs'! If the mother died you would have them full time - you might get them full time for lots of reasons - therefore it is best to think with your head - could you take it if you had to or are you banking on always being part time?

Weirdly I often feel like it would be easier to have them full time actually.

I often wonder if it would be easier to have them full time

I've often thought that if we had DSS full time, DH may relax slightly, and stop being quite so Disney, because there would no longer be any risk of DSS not wanting to visit any more. Also, the guilt associated with being a part time father would no longer exist.

However, the reality would probably be that DH/DSS would simply have more time for their Romeo and Juliet relationship, so on balance it would probably be a lot harder if DSS were with us full time.

Well, it would definitely be a lot easier if DSS and DSD had no choice but to spend time with their Dad - which I suppose is what you mean, exotic when you talk about living with us full time? That could only happen if their Mum was no longer a part of their lives - I couldn't live with a man who wilfully withheld his DC's from their mum.

But, I really struggled when DP was grieving for the loss of his DC's - there is no way that our relationship would have survived had he not been able to come to terms with the fact that they have two parents, who are equally important. If my DP considered the ideal to be his DC's living with him f/t, then I would question his commitment to me, as he would be aspiring to something that would only be possible if I wasn't a part of his life.

DP says he wishes he had his dc ft
If he did he wouldn't have me
In reality I don't think he does want that - they exhaust him as it is- he'd be a wreck if he had them all the time!

Your partner sounds like a decent man. I think he deserves better tbh.

Dh would have had his ft is possible. Two of them, I'd have been delighted to have. One of them...... I doubt our relationship, dh and me, would have survived.

Eliza and Kaluki - do your DP's mean that they wish that they could be the resident parent, and the DC's have a contact arrangement with their Mum, or do they actually want their DC's to live with you F/T and never see their Mum?

I guess you have a couple of choices then - keep seeing him once a fortnight until either his kids get older or he gets tired of your lack of commitment and moves on, end the relationship now or try to be a bit more accomodating regarding his children.

They were on the scene a long time before you were so I guess you will have to work round the existing arrangements rather than expecting everyone to fir in with you. I have DC from a previous relationship and would run a thousand miles from someone with your attitude towards them. DH also has DD from previous relationship and we are both comfortable with all the children so it works for us.

I hate to say it but I see little future in the relationship from what you have said. I will refrain from commenting on how your come across on your post as I know it won't be helpful!

They were on the scene a long time before you were so I guess you will have to work round the existing arrangements rather than expecting everyone to fir in with you.

I get the feeling that the OP is quite happy to continue to work around them, and maintain her independence and child-free time - but her DP is pushing for additional commitment from the OP, without any compromise in return (such as considering a babysitter every so often).

This seems to be a relationship problem rather than a step-parenting problem, isn't it? I know several marriages which have come unglued when one parent hankers for a grown-up night out or weekend away and the other refuses to leave the DC with anyone else; why is this different?

"but have said that he should have at least one weekend a month kid free so we can do adult stuff. He disagrees. Well actually he agreed, but as we cant afford to go away once a month he doesn't realise that what I actually meant was "a kid free weekend, rather than a weekend away" which is how i tactfully put it to him."

Not a disneymum, I was basing my response on this part above from the OP which seems to suggest that even though he has previously had his children every weekend the op would now like him to have one weekend a month child free. What she proposes he do with them for a whole weekend every month is unclear but she is quite clearly suggesting a change to the existing arrangements to accomodate her.

I don't think it's out of order to get a babysitter from time to time but personally I think it's great that he values his children enough to want to see them every weekend and out of order for her to expect him to palm them off once a month every month for the whole weekend when those are the arrangements he already has in place with them. How do you think they will feel? If a partner aksed me to forgo a whole weekend each month with my kids, they would be politely shown the door.

My dh would have liked to have been the resident parent and they'd have visited mum, in the same way they visited their dad.

They're all grown up now at Uni so, it's kind of irrelevant for me.