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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSS having affair with a teacher- not as clearcut as sounds, what should I do?

150 replies

SelfishCrocodile · 15/05/2012 10:24

Hi, I'm a newby but could do with some advice. My DPs 18 year old DS goes to an independent school, which has a prep school connected- they have different Headteachers but the schools are very closely linked. I just found out that DSS is in a relationship with a teacher from the prep school and has been for almost a year.
He is literally in his last few weeks at school and the plan was to come out in a few months, pretending they bumped into each other in the summer and got it together then, once the whole teacher/student business was out of the way.
If they are going to stay together it seems pointlessly damaging to tell anyone thereby destroying her career and presumably my relationship with DSS. Am I wrong in thinking this? I've only been with DP about 8 months and, yes, I am concerned that this will affect our relationship whatever I do.

OP posts:

IWantSummer · 15/05/2012 10:32

Stay out of it.
(although how old is the teacher??)
If she is young -stay out of it. It might just fizzle out and the damage you may do to relationship with DSS could be forever.

But if she is a cougar? Not so sure-what is the age gap? Do you think he is being manipulated?

Otherwise let him have some fun!

NorfolkNChance · 15/05/2012 10:34

Has this teacher ever taught your DSS? If yes then they are breaking the law by starting a relationship before the age of 18

Kaluki · 15/05/2012 10:40

What does your DP want to do about it. Does DSS's mum know?
Ultimately it is up to them what they action they take. You have only been on the scene for 8 months and DSS is officially an adult and not a vulnerable child.
I would stay out of it and don't interfere!!

AmnesiaCustard · 15/05/2012 15:04

Agree with staying out of it. I would say this is something for your DSS parents to deal with as they see fit.
My step parenting mantra is "not my kids, not my problem". Which doesn't mean you can't support your DP of course.

Original poster

SelfishCrocodile · 15/05/2012 15:08

I haven't said anything to either DP or his X. The girl (woman!) is only about 23/24, looks about 15 to me, and no she has never taught him. Its such a shame I had to bump into them totally at random, I only recognised her because she'd been at a fundraiser thing DP took me to at the school.

My gut instinct is to stay out of it completely, even if they do stay together it won't be an issue soon. He is about to do his A levels and I don't really want to be responsible for him messing them up either.

OP posts:

timetoask · 15/05/2012 15:09

How did you find out? It seems that your DP doesn't know about it, did your dss confide in you?

Sarcalogos · 15/05/2012 15:11

What did she say when you saw them together? Was she anxious you might tell/agressive/blaze?

Original poster

SelfishCrocodile · 15/05/2012 15:24

No, he didn't confide in me. It was one of those really unfortunate coincidences. I went to visit a friend who lives about an hour from here, went to the pub for a meal in the evening and who should walk in but.... I think he nearly died of shock.

They were both very anxious, girl very teary and upset, insist they just fell in love when he was helping her class with a project last year. Definitely not cougarish!

Do you think I should tell DP?

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 15/05/2012 15:29

I think you need to talk properly to DSS.

I'm not entirely sure, but she may be breaking the law - the age of consent is 18 when the older person is in a position of trust or authority - *and at the very least they need to knock it on the head until he officially leaves the school.

That kind of age gap isn't particularly unreasonable but they need to respect each other's futures - her career, his exams.

Sarcalogos · 15/05/2012 15:50

Yes I would tell your DP- what to do is really his decision.

As they met at school when she WAS in a position of trust I think that's a problem. It is illegal and it jepodises her career. I would worry about him being with a women with so little self control. I have worked with sixth form students since I was 21 and I just cannot ever imagine this situation being ok.

If they had met out of school, as he now about to leave school I would probably have left it. But to be honest as this IS a teacher -pupil relationship it makes me feel quite sick.

UC · 15/05/2012 15:52

If I were you I would be telling DP. Not a good thing to keep a secret like this from him. That will only bite you on the arse later IMO.

Aside from that, this woman is a teacher, she has breached a relationship of trust by having a relationship with a pupil, whether or not your DSS has been taught by her. She is putting her career at risk, and her reputation.

I once taught with a guy who had a relationship with a pupil. She was in year 13 (so was probably 18 at the time), he was 22. His contract was not renewed, and any members of staff who had known about it were spoken to v. sternly as they had kept quiet and not said anything - they should have. I also know of a teacher (in his 40s) who had an affair with a girl who was under 16. He is now in jail.

Ray75 · 15/05/2012 16:58

Blimey a lot of do gooders I'm afraid, :) if I was you chat to DSS and tell him as he is 18 he can and will do as he wants but as advise from you he should maybe consider cooling off till after exams, obvious to state to him but if you saw them in those circumstances so could someone linked with the school, who would not choose to turn a blind eye... I would also tell him you will have to tell DP as to keep secrets from him is unfair, then leave it at that, any interference or dobbing in from you will affect your relashionship with him long term, if I think back to 18 years old and my SM caused that sort of trouble for me and (what i thought at the time was the love of my life) I would never have got passed it. He will have more respect for you for treating him as an adult (which he is in the eyes of the law) and talking to him as such.

UC · 15/05/2012 18:38

Quite surprised at the comment about "do-gooders", although I think the rest of Ray75's advice is very good.

Yes, he is an adult in the eyes of the law. She is also a person in a position of trust in a school in the eyes of the law. It would be fine if she was someone else, but she isn't. The fact is she is a teacher, and she's over stepped the boundaries. She is putting her career at risk if someone saw who wasn't prepared or able (e.g. another teacher at the school) found out. It's worth putting it on hold until he's left..

Interesting article here - www.tes.co.uk/article.aspx?storycode=6003533 - esp what it says about teachers at a different school - don't know if that would apply in your case OP.

lisaro · 15/05/2012 18:44

To be honest it's nothing to do with you. You've only been together for 8 months, he's 18, he's not really your DSS. He's just your partners adult child. Either tell your partner or keep out.

Slambang · 15/05/2012 18:49

I wouldn't tell:
Because he is an adult.
Because she has never taught him and is not in a position of authority over him. (trust in theory yes, authority not so much)
Because you are not in a position of responsibility for him.

Reporting and the law are designed to protect the child. In this case it appears 'the child' doesn't need protecting.
Reporting would probably prevent her ever teaching again and would damage your relationship with dss for ever.

Talk to dss and reassure yourself there is no undue influence or use of authority by her over him.Tell him your concerns about his and his girlfriend's rash behaviour. And talk to your dp.

Then keep mum.

Doodlekitty · 15/05/2012 18:51

I think you need to tell your partner. It's his decision on what to do with the information, not yours. Or even better, ask dss to tell him.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 19:01

She's in a position of trust and under the terms of the Sexual Offences Act 2000 she is in a very dodgy legal position.

And like it or not, he is a pupil in the group of schools of which she teaches. She has boundary issues.

Littlefish · 15/05/2012 19:11

I agree with fuckarama.

AmberLeaf · 15/05/2012 19:11

Stay out of it.

mummytime · 15/05/2012 19:13

Tell his parents, she is committing a major crime. If you don't tell them so are you. But once you've done it leave it up to them to deal with.

GnomeDePlume · 15/05/2012 19:20

IMO set him a very short time limit (eg a couple of days) to tell his father. If he doesnt then you have to. As a pp has said the teacher is on seriously shakey ground legally.

Just to be clear shakey ground isnt a tedious technicality, it is a question of whether or not the teacher is guilty of a sexual offence.

If I had younger children at this school I would be seriously worried that this teacher lacks the appropriate skills to maintain professional relationships and boundaries.

boxyfoxy · 15/05/2012 19:23

i can definitely tell you if that happened in the school where I work she would be sacked and prosecuted. for really really definite!! " they met while he was helping her class with a project last year" she has no ground to stand on, he was a minor she is in a position of trust.
you should tell your partner, secrets like this can and will go bang in a big way... if he were my child I would want to know...

Original poster

SelfishCrocodile · 15/05/2012 19:28

I can see both points of view really, yes she was in a position of responsibility as the class teacher he was working with as a 17 year old last year but equally who exactly am I protecting by telling anyone except DP.
I am going to tell him tonight. He is DSS's parent so it is up to him and his x what to do, if anything. Yes, Lisaro in all fairness I am not his SM, I'm just his Dad's gf. I've spoken to DSS and told him I have no choice but to tell his dad, he does understand even if he doesn't like it, at least he doesn't think I'm doing it out of spite.

OP posts:

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 19:32

The Sexual Offences (Amendment) Act 2000 introduced a specific offence of

"having sexual intercourse or engaging in any other sexual activity with a person under 18 if in a position of trust in relation to that person"

The teacher in this scenario has committed this specific offence.

You really need to tell his father asap.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/05/2012 19:37

I would stay out of it.

She has never taught him and although she works in a linked school, it is not actually his school.

You are not his parent, or even his step parent at this point. DSS will never forgive you and if this relationship did work out, she could become family to you, in the future.

LMAO at 'major crime'. Major crime is armed robbery, not a 23 year old having a relationship with a fully consenting 18 year old.

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