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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSS having affair with a teacher- not as clearcut as sounds, what should I do?

150 replies

SelfishCrocodile · 15/05/2012 10:24

Hi, I'm a newby but could do with some advice. My DPs 18 year old DS goes to an independent school, which has a prep school connected- they have different Headteachers but the schools are very closely linked. I just found out that DSS is in a relationship with a teacher from the prep school and has been for almost a year.
He is literally in his last few weeks at school and the plan was to come out in a few months, pretending they bumped into each other in the summer and got it together then, once the whole teacher/student business was out of the way.
If they are going to stay together it seems pointlessly damaging to tell anyone thereby destroying her career and presumably my relationship with DSS. Am I wrong in thinking this? I've only been with DP about 8 months and, yes, I am concerned that this will affect our relationship whatever I do.

OP posts:
Aboutlastnight · 15/05/2012 20:21

Oh FGS

He's 18 she's 23 or something.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:22

If he was helping her class with a project, and he goes to a connected prep school, then she was the teacher in a position of authority and has broken the law.

Especially if it happened on school premises, or in school time.

And if she didn't think she'd done anything wrong, she wouldn't be turning on the waterworks to the OP in an attempt to save her skin.

I am actually disgusted.

CJMommy · 15/05/2012 20:25

Can I give another perspective, from the point of view of the 18 y/o? That was me, 15 years ago. I was allowed to work it out for myself. I would not have and am very glad that there was no other intervention from others.

If you feel you have to do something, let him do his exams first and get them out of the way. Tell him that he needs to discuss with his dad after his exams are over .

I would still leave well alone but that's just my experience.

Oakmaiden · 15/05/2012 20:25

Absolutley sunscorch.

a 17/18 year old going into a primary classroom to help primary aged children with a project is NOT the same as being a member of that class. And the relationship with the teacher is very different- - more co-workers than teacher and pupil.

It is a grey area, I think. Officially not good - but in real life not as awful as some people seem to think.

Sarcalogos · 15/05/2012 20:26

Op you asked who you would be protecting by telling?

You'd be protecting the next minor this woman has sex with who is not quite as old or mature or consensual as your DSS.

Sure, this MIGHT be a one off. But then again it might not, people who commit sexual offences often commit more than one. You know she has broken the law, if you were a teacher at the school and found out this information, not reporting it could get you sacked (and maybe prosecuted yourself), there is a clear reason for this protocol.

Sunscorch · 15/05/2012 20:26

If he was helping her class with a project, and he goes to a connected prep school, then she was the teacher in a position of authority and has broken the law.

Probably not. His actual teachers would likely still be responsible for him.

Especially if it happened on school premises, or in school time.

What happened? That they encountered each other?
Gosh, an innocent meeting. Scandalous.

And if she didn't think she'd done anything wrong, she wouldn't be turning on the waterworks to the OP in an attempt to save her skin.

You've never met anyone innocent who was terrified of giving the wrong impression? I'm no paedophile, but I'm constantly having to check my behaviour in school to make sure no one could ever possibly make an unfounded accusation against me.

Sarcalogos · 15/05/2012 20:27

Oakmaiden, it isnt a relationship of co-workers. CLoser to work exp. -employee relationship, and that is ick.

LulaPalooza · 15/05/2012 20:27

I wonder what this 18 year old young man would think if he heard someone refer to him as being abused? I doubt he would agree. I'm not convinced that the CPS would, either. I'm making a bit of a value judgement here based on things the OP has said, but he sounds mature and intelligent, is of the age of majority (and yes, I know what the law says, but there is an element of discretion as to whether or not a prosecution is in the public interest).

I think in this situation the OP, who is not this young man's stepmother, needs to tread carefully... which is what she is doing. This is not her battle.

The teacher presumably knew what the consequences were when she started this relationship. I wouldn't necessarily say that she is a manipulator or an abuser, but she has been very, very stupid, shown herself to be incapable of making appropriate choices (agree with what other people have said about her not understanding the boundaries of her profession) and her career at least is now probably fucked... but she is also an adult and ought to have known and understood the consequences. That is not OP's concern.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:27

I am shocked, and I really really mean shocked to the core, that so many MNetters are defending the actions of this teacher.

Isn't the law there for a reason?

Don't you think children should be protected from adults with inappropriate sexual boundaries?

I hope you all feel the same if your daughter gets groomed by a Scout leader, or your son is groomed by a music teacher, or some such.

I can't help feeling that it's being treated differently on here because he's a boy and not a girl.

Sunscorch · 15/05/2012 20:28

You'd be protecting the next minor this woman has sex with who is not quite as old or mature or consensual as your DSS.

Yup. This 23 year old woman is definitely a predatory rapist.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:29

Sunscorch - hopefully you wouldn't have a problem. Unless you were having a relationship with a pupil outside of school.

And sneaked to a pub an hour away to cover your tracks.

She's either stupid or predatory.

I hope it's stupid.

Either way, she shouldn't be in the classroom.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:30

So it's ok for teachers to break the law then, Sunscorch?

Sunscorch · 15/05/2012 20:30

Don't you think children should be protected from adults with inappropriate sexual boundaries?

It's an 18 year old, and a 23 year old.
She clearly isn't in a position of power over him.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:31

So the law can be broken then?

If he's 18 and she's 23 then even though the law says categorically it's wrong, then it doesn't matter?

gnocci · 15/05/2012 20:32

FGS really?!! Just leave it.

Make sure you all take your flaming torches and pitch forks with you, yeah?

Oakmaiden · 15/05/2012 20:33

And that is the point - it is not a teacher and child relationship.

As for the work experience analogy - if your 18 year old girl went to work somewhere for work experience, and met a bloke they really liked who was 23, who they started going out with after they had finished their work experience - would that REALLY be disgusting and "icky"???

Sunscorch · 15/05/2012 20:33

Sunscorch - hopefully you wouldn't have a problem. Unless you were having a relationship with a pupil outside of school.

Then you're absurdly naive. Even if I wasn't ever charged with anything, an accusation stays on my record forever. I would have a huge problem.

So it's ok for teachers to break the law then, Sunscorch?

Well, given that I dispute the fact that she's in any position of power over him, I don't think there's any law of concern.

LulaPalooza · 15/05/2012 20:33

Fuckarama, he's not a child... he's 18

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:34

If it was my son I'd have her guts on a plate.

No way would I let her away with it.

Think I'll just drive at 100mph tomorrow coz you know I feel like it and the law shouldn't apply to me because I'm nice.

And then when I've done that I think I'll just take whatever groceries I like out of the shop because that law shouldn't apply to me either because I'm nice.

Puffinsaresmall · 15/05/2012 20:34

He was 17 at the time not 18. Its clearly against the law.

I think the answers would be totally different if this was girl - pupil, male - teacher. Which is sad as it feeds into the 'werhay go boy' 'bet he must love it' etc etc stereotype.

If she isn't a sexual predator (which she is legally) then she's thick as pig shit and shouldn't have responsibility for teaching children.

Oakmaiden · 15/05/2012 20:34

The law doesn't say it is categorically wrong, though. As she is not a teacher in his school, and he is over 16. In fact is 18 now. And you have no way of knowing at this stage whether it became a sexual relationship before he was 18 (or indeed if it is now).

MaryPoppinsBag · 15/05/2012 20:34

Safeguarding Children applies from 0-19. Not 0-18 presumably to protect college and sixth form students.

She is in the wrong. It's icky even if he'd already left school.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:35

Legally, at 18 the law as I identified above, applies to him and her. It can, in some circumstances, be extended to the age of 21 if necessary.

And the relationship began when he was 17.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:36

I agree with Puffins and MaryPoppins

Oakmaiden · 15/05/2012 20:37

Teachers who have sexual relationships with 16-or-17-year-olds from another school, by contrast, will not be prosecuted, as they are not considered to occupy a position of trust in relation to these teenagers.

So it all hinges on whether by helping out in her class he became a pupil in her school. Which of course he didn't.