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Original poster

DSS having affair with a teacher- not as clearcut as sounds, what should I do?

150 replies

SelfishCrocodile · 15/05/2012 10:24

Hi, I'm a newby but could do with some advice. My DPs 18 year old DS goes to an independent school, which has a prep school connected- they have different Headteachers but the schools are very closely linked. I just found out that DSS is in a relationship with a teacher from the prep school and has been for almost a year.
He is literally in his last few weeks at school and the plan was to come out in a few months, pretending they bumped into each other in the summer and got it together then, once the whole teacher/student business was out of the way.
If they are going to stay together it seems pointlessly damaging to tell anyone thereby destroying her career and presumably my relationship with DSS. Am I wrong in thinking this? I've only been with DP about 8 months and, yes, I am concerned that this will affect our relationship whatever I do.

OP posts:
fuckarama · 15/05/2012 19:40

So the fact that they got together when he was working on a project with her where she was in a position of trust?

The fact that she has actually broken the law?

That just doesn't matter?

Get0rfMoiLand · 15/05/2012 19:44

I think what you have done OP (tell your stepson that you have to tell his father) is probably the best thing yoiu could have done in a very difficult circumstance.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/05/2012 19:45

I don't agree with what she did - she has risked her whole career, but she is not his teacher and she is not working in his school. That makes a difference to me. As does the age difference. If we were talking about a woman in her 30's having an affair with a student then I would think of it differently.

As it is, she is a young woman who has met a young man, in less than ideal circumstances, but I don't think of it as a crime.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/05/2012 19:46

I think that telling her partner is reasonable, but doing anything else will cause more harm than good

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 19:48

Karma - two points.

first off, supposing it was a male teacher with a female student?

second, they got together when he was IN HER CLASS helping with a project.

She has broken the law.

It exists for a reason. To protect children from adults who have a lack of boundaries wrt sexual behaviours.

She should have the book thrown at her imho.

If it was my son I'd have her guts for garters.

mummytime · 15/05/2012 19:49

Strictly speaking it is child abuse, despite him being over 16. She is a teacher and he is under 19.

Just5minspeace · 15/05/2012 19:54

Leave it to him to decide what to do. He could have done far worse and the law is to protect innocent victims. This sounds consensual.
Persuade them if possible to stay apart until after his exams then it is up to them. Difficult but ultimately sensible IMO.

LulaPalooza · 15/05/2012 19:54

The son is an adult. I would ask him to tell DP, with a gentle reminder that it's not fair on you to keep secrets from your DP although you respect his privacy and don't want to get involved etc etc.

He will, if he's mature enough, understand the position you are in.

I was privy to a huge family secret before Mr Palooza was and I made his sister tell him what was going on. It wasn't my secret to tell, but nor did I want to keep secrets from him. It wasn't directly concerning DSS but was something that could have adversely affected him.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 19:56

So what some posters are saying then is that the law doesn't matter??

I am astounded.

LulaPalooza · 15/05/2012 20:01

Sorry, X-posts

GnomeDePlume · 15/05/2012 20:07

The relationship started after the pupil helped in the teacher's class when the pupil was only 17.

Either the teacher is extremely immature or is predatory.

Neither of these things are good and the teacher should not be working with anyone under the age of 18.

Slambang · 15/05/2012 20:09

Thing is Fuckarama - the law is black and white. She is a sex offender. Full stop.

Real life has shades of grey - and labelling somebody as a sex offender for the rest of her life may not be the best outcome for all concerned. Would it be more or less benenficial to everybody (her, dss, dp, all the future children she may or may not teach or come into contact with) to report her or not report her?

Sometimes moral questions are not answered entirely by a black and white legal answer.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:10

Slam - I agree with what Gnome said, but I think you x-posted - either she's immature or predatory - neither is good.

And how many of you would feel differently if it was a male teacher of 24 and a girl of 18??

Aboutlastnight · 15/05/2012 20:12

Stay out of it.

bumpkinbillionaire · 15/05/2012 20:13

I would stay out of it until his exams are over. If he was 16 or under or if she was 30+ I might feel differently but I think the damage caused by getting his gf sacked and bringing his relationship into the open is probably greater than the damage of letting them continue their relationship for a few more weeks.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:13

And I'm sorry but yes, in the case of sexual offences where the innocent party is a minor (as the DSS was when the relationship started) and the adult is a position of authority and trust which they have abused, then yes, it is a black and white issue.

Clear.

Simple.

She should have the book thrown at her and never ever be allowed to work with children under the age of 18 again.

And if it was my son she was abusing, because that is what it is, then I'd have her guts on a plate.

Sunscorch · 15/05/2012 20:15

Good lord. If you described where I met my previous few girlfriends as "getting together", you'd come up with some awfully damning descriptions.

Yes, they met in her classroom. It's less than ideal.
But he isn't her pupil. He's not even in her school.
You can hardly claim that she's in a position to manipulate him.

GnomeDePlume · 15/05/2012 20:15

Slambang - problem is that right now whether convicted or not she is either predatory or shows dreadful lack of judgement. IMO by starting this relationship knowing it to be wrong she has demonstrated that she shouldnt be teaching.

This was a pupil it is immoral.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:16

At the time the relationship began he was a PUPIL in her class.

Which is just morally wrong.

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/05/2012 20:17

Had a similar incident to us locally although the teacher was this pupil's 'teacher' if you see what I mean.

He's currently serving 18 months in prison. It is taken very very seriously indeed.

A very stupid teacher and I feel very sorry for your DP's son because this is just what he doesn't need to happen just before his A'Levels.

Sunscorch · 15/05/2012 20:17

At the time the relationship began he was a PUPIL in her class.

He was a pupil of another school, of another teacher, visiting her class as a volunteer.
So not an entirely accurate description of circumstances.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:19

He was in her class. As a pupil. Working on a project. She was the teacher in a position of authority.

She has broken the law.

timetoask · 15/05/2012 20:19

What an irresponsible woman. I feel sorry for you DSS, his head will be all over the place, he is probably unable to concentrate on his exams. This could potentially affect his chances.

Sunscorch · 15/05/2012 20:19

He was in her class. As a pupil. Working on a project. She was the teacher in a position of authority.

No, he was quite clearly in her class as a volunteer, helping the pupils of her actual class with their projects.

joanofarchitrave · 15/05/2012 20:20

I'm old biased in that two very happy relationships I know of started between student and teacher with just this sort of age gap - and worse because in both cases the teachers had taught the student.

The law is there for a reason, in just the same way as the age of consent is there for a reason. There is an age gap exception to the age of consent, because it's usually in few people's interest for a relationship between a 17-year-old and a 15-year old to be prosecuted. IMO this is the same.