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Original poster

DSS having affair with a teacher- not as clearcut as sounds, what should I do?

150 replies

SelfishCrocodile · 15/05/2012 10:24

Hi, I'm a newby but could do with some advice. My DPs 18 year old DS goes to an independent school, which has a prep school connected- they have different Headteachers but the schools are very closely linked. I just found out that DSS is in a relationship with a teacher from the prep school and has been for almost a year.
He is literally in his last few weeks at school and the plan was to come out in a few months, pretending they bumped into each other in the summer and got it together then, once the whole teacher/student business was out of the way.
If they are going to stay together it seems pointlessly damaging to tell anyone thereby destroying her career and presumably my relationship with DSS. Am I wrong in thinking this? I've only been with DP about 8 months and, yes, I am concerned that this will affect our relationship whatever I do.

OP posts:
Ladymuck · 15/05/2012 21:04

"Can anyone say they've never made an error of judgement when it comes to relationships?

Because if you do say that, I'd like to call you a liar _"

But it is how you react when you realise your error that is the measure of who you are.

See, if they were open and nonchalant about the relationship, that is one thing. But actually they're being secretive, which is exactly how abusive relationships begin. There are already emotional twists to the relationship which wouldn't be the norm at that stage between young people. How much is either of them getting from the forbidden fruit aspect of the relationship? Does the lad feel that he has enough power in the relationship to call the shots re contraception etc.

A lot will depend on the the nature of the relationship between the schools imo. As ds1's school the prep feeds into the senior school, and a senior school pupil would be expected to address a prep school teacher as Miss Jones etc. And if this did happen at his school I would expect the member of staff to be dismissed. Prosecution isn't a decision for the school in any case, although they would almost certainly have a duty to report it. If the schools are more remotely connected, then I wonder how the relationship progressed from meeting in the classroom to meeting outside?

AmberLeaf · 15/05/2012 21:12

If this comes out it will ruin both of their lives. Does that punishment fit the crime?

It really will ruin their lives.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 21:13

She should have thought of that before she got involved with a minor. And she's bound to have covered this in teacher training.

ToothbrushThief · 15/05/2012 21:15

What Ladymuck said. This woman chose to start an affair. I doubt they fell head over heels and it was unstoppable. She crossed a line and she knows it. If it is as ok as other posters think then let them be open about it

Sarcalogos · 15/05/2012 21:17

I cannot believe so many people are defending this woman. She is in her early 20s she has (presumably), left home studied at university for 3 years, then completed a PGCE (or perhaps did 4 year b'ed, doesn't make much difference in this case). She is now living and working as a professional, in charge of prep school age children. She presumably pays rent, council tax, sorts out her own bills, goes out when she wants to, owns and runs a car etc... Etc....

Is there not something hugely questionable about her having a relationship with someone who lives with a parent, is in full time education and therefore has limited independence. He was a 17 year old schoolboy when they got together.

This is categorically wrong.

The age gap between them is less than the one between my DH and I- the difference being we met on an equal footing when we were both adults. I can't believe people think it is hysterical to not think this disparity between their life experiences and the fact that she was in a position of trusted authority is important.

Sarcalogos · 15/05/2012 21:19

Oh and I can honestly say I have never made an error of judgement that was illegal in a relationship.

And I think you'll find that's true of most people...

Original poster
SelfishCrocodile · 15/05/2012 21:21

Well I've told DP who sighed and muttered that he knew something wierd had been going on with DSS for a while. He thought for a while (he is not the ranty type) then called DSS and told him to "get his ass over to his house asap"
He has now left for this council of war!

I think his major priority right now is getting DSs through his exams with the minimum of damage, christ you expect teenagers to act daft but you expect more from someone who is professionally qualified to educate our children. The more I think about it, the more I am angry with her and hell yeah, roll on 10 years and if it was my DS I'd be ready to kill.

I'm waiting to hear what they decide, DP is very calm and is always one for "strategising" as he calls it.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 15/05/2012 21:21

Im thinking more of the young man involved fuckarama.

Personally I dont think she deserves to be branded a sex offender.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 21:26

Amber - the thing is, she is a sex offender. By doing what she's doing she's broken the law. And she's bound to have been well enough warned.

And if she didn't know it was wrong she wouldn't be sneaking around and turning on the tears.

But yes, I feel sorry for the young man involved. He's been taken advantage of.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 21:28

And the law was specifically put in place to protect young adults who are put in a vulnerable position by the actions of adults in a position of trust and responsibility.

Which this young man has been.

MigratingCoconuts · 15/05/2012 21:29

Well done Op... This needed to be done. Either now, or after the exams, it needed to be done.

Ladymuck · 15/05/2012 21:31

If she had met him in a bar, and didn't realise that he was a pupil at the senior school, then obviously this would be closer to a case of pure bad luck. She could have come clean and sought legal advice as soon as she found out.

But if she met him for the first time whilst he is wearing his school uniform in her classroom then that paints a different picture.

In terms of a decision to prosecute, then that is a different decision, and the welfare of the young man will be paramount.

If he is sitting his Alevels and needs certain grades to achieve his next steps, then as a fee paying parent I would be meeting with the Headmaster in the morning to discuss wtf they're going to do. Given that for his future these grades may be vital.

Sarcalogos · 15/05/2012 22:12

Well done OP you've done the right thing.

I agree with ladymuck.

gnocci · 15/05/2012 22:17

Stupid.

I FAILED my Jan A level exams (predicted AAA) due to the stress of interference like this. 4m later once everyone had realised what fools they'd been, me and DP revised together, I retook the January modules, and I got my predicted AAA.

Original poster
SelfishCrocodile · 15/05/2012 22:52

Gnocci, it wasn't as if I went out of my way to snoop, in fact they are very lucky it was me who found out, it could have been so much worse if it had been another teacher or a parent. However, now that I do know I am very uncomfortable with the idea of not telling his parents. I would be livid if it was one of my DCs.

Is your DP a teacher?

OP posts:
gnocci · 16/05/2012 07:07

Ex dp, yes. I was 18. Just be careful not to ruin his exam focus.

Ladymuck · 16/05/2012 08:52

Or ensure that his school are aware of what is happening and are already onside to inform the examining board of the special circumstances. Especially if there is a uni offer depending on the results.

FWIW at ds1's school whilst the prep school and senior school have their own headteachers, it is the same governing board and therefore employer for both schools.

Good luck. It is a tricky situation to work through, but you have done the right thing by letting his parents know.

thewickedestsm · 16/05/2012 10:56

I would stay out of it, unless you are concerned that she has manipluated him in anyway. Although I don't think that is necessarily the "right" thing to do. I think she must have some boundry issues to have let this happen and chances are she's not really stable or adult enough to be teaching teenagers.

thewickedestsm · 16/05/2012 10:57

And yes, as others have said - if he is happy in his little love bubble and concentrating on his studies - don't push him over the edge just as he's about to do his exams.

NarkedPuffin · 16/05/2012 11:07

She just fell in love with a 17 year old pupil from the senior school who was sent to help her prep class with a project Hmm

Well done for telling his parents.

twolittlemonkeys · 16/05/2012 14:32

What a difficult decision you have had to make OP. It's not as clear-cut as most teacher-pupil relationships - which obviously aren't acceptable in any way and teachers abusing their position of trust and authority should have the book thrown at them IMO. This one is slightly different, not the same school, not big age gap etc. I'd be extremely worried about rocking the boat so close to his A-levels. I hope your DP has managed to deal with the issue as sensitively as possible - ultimately it's his responsibility to decide what's best for his son. I hope this doesn't ruin your/ your DP's relationship with DSS. Let us know how your DP got on.

Original poster
SelfishCrocodile · 16/05/2012 17:51

Just to let you know, DP and DSS have made a deal, DSS knocks it on the head with this woman until the exams are finished and he has left school and DP won't take it any further. DSS is going to move in with his Dad until then so DP can monitor the situation, ie he is essentially grounded until further notice. DSS begged Dp not to tell his mum- she can be a bit hysterical (although probably justifiable in this case) and is a bit flaky on discipline. They are going to tell his mother that DSS needs some peace and quiet away from his brother and sisters to revise etc.
I don't know if this is the right thing to do but DP said DSS was terrified when he realised the potential seriousness of the situation, he didn't have any idea it could be quite so devastating for the gf if someone else found out. I think he thought that as he was over 16 it wasn't breaking the law.
I'm hoping this won't damage my relationship with either of them too badly, DP says that DSS did understand that I couldn't keep the secret and it is up to them to tell his mum.
DP and DSS are very similar, I hesitate to use the word calculating, measured is probably a better term, they are both very good at weighing up the options, I think its a law thing! DSS is very mature in some ways and is not the sort to let this ruin his exams (I hope)
Thanks for all your advice, its good fun this extended family business!

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 16/05/2012 18:22

Sounds like a good solution. If this relationship is meant to be, then it will survive a temporary separation. It will also give your dss some space to concentrate on his exams and to see if this is something he really wants.

purpleroses · 16/05/2012 18:53

Your DP sounds very sensible to me. Now your DSS has some time to concentrate on his exams, he's not going to mess them up because he's distressed about his GF getting into trouble over him, and he will have a bit of time apart from the GF - so if he was getting into something that was too serious too young for him, or in some way rather unequal, he'll have a bit of time to think things through and decide if he wants to go on with it.

The law thing sounds quite uncertain (as she was a teacher, but not his teacher, and arguabley in the same position as a co-worker that he could have met on some other work experience placement) - hence all the discussion on this thread - but there's no way your DSS is young enough not to feel a sense of responsibiliy if his GF was to get in trouble over it all.

twolittlemonkeys · 16/05/2012 18:58

Sounds like a very sensible compromise. Hope things settle down now and DSS does well in his exams :)

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