DSS having affair with a teacher- not as clearcut as sounds, what should I do?

[SelfishCrocodile]

Hi, I'm a newby but could do with some advice. My DPs 18 year old DS goes to an independent school, which has a prep school connected- they have different Headteachers but the schools are very closely linked. I just found out that DSS is in a relationship with a teacher from the prep school and has been for almost a year.
He is literally in his last few weeks at school and the plan was to come out in a few months, pretending they bumped into each other in the summer and got it together then, once the whole teacher/student business was out of the way.
If they are going to stay together it seems pointlessly damaging to tell anyone thereby destroying her career and presumably my relationship with DSS. Am I wrong in thinking this? I've only been with DP about 8 months and, yes, I am concerned that this will affect our relationship whatever I do.

If it were my DS, I'd stick with your very reasonable solution over the exam period and then pack him off to somewhere hot with friends over the summer holidays. And I'd tell the school in September.

Actually, November. Enough time for him to be sttled away at Uni.

Your DP is a wise man. Your DSS needs supervised space away from the situation, and your DP has managed to get him to agree to that amicably by the sound of it.

Assuming the relationship fizzles out over the next month or so I expect your DSS will feel very differently about things- and be glad he had his dad to protect him.

I think you've all taken a very wise course.

Just for reflection - when DH was at school, a very similar situation happened, but male teacher & female 6th form student. The teacher was just out of college, had been at that school himself, done his teacher training at the uni in the same town and then come back to work - and was as young/immature as you might imagine from someone who does that.

Of course, he was sacked (I don't think prosecuted) . . . they got married, and are still together 20+ years later.

I wouldn't have a problem with my 18 year old son or daughter dating a 23 year old (in theory, I only have a 4 year old DS at the moment!) but I agree the law is there for a reason.

I understand that they truly may have feelings for each other, but for the good of both of them they should have waited til he left school.

What would people say if the teacher was male & your dss was a girl? She shouldn't have started it & you have no idea if she has find it before or will again. To me a pupil is off limits no exception.

I also don't think it is right not to tell his mother. I would be heartbroken if something like that was kept away from me. May score temporary brownie points but I dont think it's a good idea.

I was a responsible mother of a one year old, living on my own and supporting myself and my ds at 18 years old.

I would have to tell my dp if I were in your position as it's no good for any of you to keep secrets.

needsomesunshine - I don't think there would be any difference at all if it were a male teacher and a female pupil. The pupil-teacher relationship is the same in both cases.

I personally think people would be quicker to say it was wrong if it was the other way around.

I personally think that you don't really know what anyone else would say on the basis of this thread alone, and trying to make a point by insinuating that you do is ridiculous.

she's breached her gtc code conduct
her judgement is clearly impaired
he's minor,she's adult teacher
I'd be uncomfortable with this
breaches sexual offences 2000 amendment ,which is clear responsible adult doesn't abuse position of trust.she's responsible adult, acting irresponsibly

Jolly lucky the GTC was abolished the other week, then :)

phew yes how fortuitous

That DSS has apparently readily agreed to the DP's suggestions is significant I think. Quite possibly this relationship has already run its course. The intervention by DP gives DSS a get out.

I hope that DP continues to give DSS intelligent support. In the months to come DSS may well look back at this relationship and wonder whether it was the love's young dream that it seems now.

Good choice of action. Other thing worth remembering, threres something rather exciting and addictive to being in a secret relationship where you have to sneak about, once his a levels are over and she's openly his gf, will the appeal still be there? When she's just his "older, grown up gf back home" when he's at Uni, will she be as exciting? When he's not her secret lover, but the bloke she takes home to her parents and is a poor student when her mid 20s friends are dating blokes who's careers are just being to take off, will she be as keen?

However, if she's given up her career for him, how will he walk away when he's bored? If she's sacrificed her whole life for him, will she want to admit she'd just got caught up in the excitement?

Best you can do is stop it for now then sit back and let Uni distance and the reality of dating a boy sink in.

That's obviously why I asked sunscorch.

OP's H has done a very wise thing, in the best interests of his son, in allowing him head space for his exams. Being wrapped up in a heady love and forbidden love affair is not a distraction needed when sitting life changing exams. Protective distance from it all will be very good for him. I am also of the opinion this relationship will fizzle out, due to time apart and by going off to uni. And there I would personally leave it, for his sake.

The teacher? Sounds incredibly naive and foolhardy, risking all for what is likely a temporary relationship. Even if they had waited until dss finished his exams, that relationship would always be looked on with disapproval and mockery. She will, of course realise, that dss' parents now know and will anticipate her career to be in ruins. Imo if the age gap were greater or the nature of teacher/student relationship more defined, it would be of greater concern. Personally I'd let her sweat it out, and let it be a salutary lesson.

GnomeDeplume, you took the words right out of my mouth. They've both been over here tonight and DSS did seem almost relieved. He is, as someone else suggested, going on hols with friends once exams finished and was a bit sheepish when I asked if he was planning to stay faithful to her on his lads holiday!
He has just spent about 2 hours playing on the wii with my 8 year old apparently without a care in the world. Teenagers are such a dichotomy, on one hand they want to be treated like adults, on the other they are just big kids- or is that a man thing?
I think you're right fashioneaster that if the relationship does come out eventually once he's left school the girl's career will suffer anyway. I certainly wouldn't have much respect for her after this.

Your DP seems very sensible and your DSS pretty mature for his age. I hope this all works out for the best.

I'm afraid that I do still see that this relationship was abusive. The teacher knew that he was a sixth former. At the end of the day, if they met in school she was still 'miss'. Her postion as teacher/older woman quite possibly made it difficult for him to end it earlier.

She is not a fit person to be in a position of responsibility over adolescents. What she has done is very wrong.

i completely agree gnome
she breached boundaries
as professional one should know better and act responsibly
i would report her after hes left school.i would have no qualms reporting

I agree with gnome. She has been extremely (and knowingly) irresponsible and imo abusive. She will do this again. There will be time when this goes very very wrong for her and she will deserve it imo. Any adult in a position of power and authority should never abuse that. A 17yo is not an adult and I would argue does not see things as an adult. The way he looks back on this situation as an adult could be very different to how he views it now. He may well look back and think he was abused.

I agree with scottishmummy.

I think you are probably right, with a bit of luck DSS will come out of it relatively unscathed but I would hate for her to do this again with someone more vulnerable/insecure. It could have potentially massive consequences for some young lad one day.
For now DP is thinking mostly about DSS and his exams but afterwards there is an obligation to tell someone. He is more worried about alienating DSS and about his 2 younger DCs at the same school than about protecting this girl woman.