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Original poster

DSS having affair with a teacher- not as clearcut as sounds, what should I do?

150 replies

SelfishCrocodile · 15/05/2012 10:24

Hi, I'm a newby but could do with some advice. My DPs 18 year old DS goes to an independent school, which has a prep school connected- they have different Headteachers but the schools are very closely linked. I just found out that DSS is in a relationship with a teacher from the prep school and has been for almost a year.
He is literally in his last few weeks at school and the plan was to come out in a few months, pretending they bumped into each other in the summer and got it together then, once the whole teacher/student business was out of the way.
If they are going to stay together it seems pointlessly damaging to tell anyone thereby destroying her career and presumably my relationship with DSS. Am I wrong in thinking this? I've only been with DP about 8 months and, yes, I am concerned that this will affect our relationship whatever I do.

OP posts:
Puffinsaresmall · 15/05/2012 20:38

And if she's not a teacher at the same school, then why were they hiding their relationship and going to lie about how they met? Confused

The prep school is the prep school attached to the senior school isn't it? Dd's school is the same set up, with two different heads and its still the same school.

Sunscorch · 15/05/2012 20:38

She, quite categorically, is not his teacher.
She, quite categorically, is not even a teacher in his school.

She, quite categorically, is not in a position of power over him.

Even if you wanted to argue that she was in a position of power over him when they met, which is frankly spurious, then then was once, and it was a whole year ago. Clearly not a continuing circumstance.

gnocci · 15/05/2012 20:39
  1. He wasnt her pupil
  2. Highly debateable and position of trust/authority
  3. He is 18 and therefore s9 of the SOA doesnt apply
  4. We dont know and there is unlikely to be any way of proving anything sexual happened before he was 18
  5. She is very close in age

Bloody hell, really? I know a lot about this area of law having been in HIS position and my DP was A LOT older than this teacher and he WAS a teacher in my college. There was NO LEGAL PROBLEM WHATSOEVER with us. The college may have taken a different view as far as disciplinary procedures against him but as it turned out, they didnt.

FGS people this is real life.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:39

Actually, that's a good point. DD goes to a secondary school with a prep school on the same site.

The teachers would be viewed as teachers by the pupils regardless of whether they came from the prep or senior school .

Puffinsaresmall · 15/05/2012 20:39

Oakmaiden - I take your point, but is it a different school?

And I think my point still stands - if she can met a boy at 17 in her classroom and start a relationship with him (how did that happen exactly??) then she's not bright enough to be teaching children.

Oakmaiden · 15/05/2012 20:40

Probably because she felt it was a grey area. Which it is.

Being closely linked doesn't necessarily make them the same school. My daughters school is closely linked to a secondary school, but it is emp[hatically not the same school.

joanofarchitrave · 15/05/2012 20:42

She has broken the law, but are you seriously telling me Fuckarama that you have never in all your life broken any law or known of a law being broken that you did not report to the police? If you really haven't, then OK, I have broken quite a few and seen quite a few broken, and I don't feel at all bad that I haven't reported them.

The law is there so that vulnerable people can be protected. It is perfectly possible for this to be a non-exploitative relationship IMO.

Nothing to do with any 'wahey' feeling. The two happy relationships that started this way that I know of were both with younger female students.

Oakmaiden · 15/05/2012 20:42

OK - we need the OP to come back and tell us if the schools are on the same campus. If they are then it might be a murkier grey area than I originally thought. If they are not, then I don't really think it is a huge problem. A bit grey, but not awful.

Ladymuck · 15/05/2012 20:43

She's become a teacher since the abuse of trust provisions came into being. She can't possibly be in doubt that this is the sort of relationship that would be examined by them. She has made a huge error of judgement here, and the mere fact that she thought that she could continue the relationship, and lie about it, is a further concern.

Let's face it, if she didn't think that there would be a problem, she'd have nothing to hide.

MigratingCoconuts · 15/05/2012 20:44

As a teacher, I would say that this is seriously iffy.

However, I think there are two important bthings to consider. Firstly, he needs to gett his A levels done. Secondly, he needs to talk to his own dad.

If i were you, I would give him space to do the exams, but then insist that he tells dad the truth for himself.

Then leave it to the rest of them to sort!!

Puffinsaresmall · 15/05/2012 20:44

All sounds a bit weird anyway. If they're not the same school then I can't see why you'd have children from a different school helping out younger children in the classroom (have no experience of this, perhaps it is common I don't know).

And if it was on one day (I don't think the OP specifies how long the project was on for) how did it transfer to a relationship? 'Pass me the glue and your phone number' ??? Hmm

AgentProvocateur · 15/05/2012 20:45

Is it a full moon? There's a lot of hysteria on this thread. Hmm

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:46

I would never ever in a million years cover up a teacher using a position of trust to abuse a child.

Which is what she's doing.

Not ever.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:47

And purely because he was 17 when the relationship started then legally is vulnerable.

Oakmaiden · 15/05/2012 20:47

It is quite common round here for older students at school/college to come into classrooms and work as volunteer TAs. They normally come one afternoon a week for a period of time - maybe a term? They are not treated as "pupils" but in much the same way TAs are treated. They are given tasks to complete, and are expected to get on and do it.

Sunscorch · 15/05/2012 20:47

Can anyone say they've never made an error of judgement when it comes to relationships?

Because if you do say that, I'd like to call you a liar _

Puffinsaresmall · 15/05/2012 20:47

Terrible hysteria. All these people wanting the law stuck to in cases of children and potential sexual exploitation. Just awful. Hmm

Puffinsaresmall · 15/05/2012 20:48

Oakmaiden - ah I see, I'd never heard of that before, that makes sense.

CJMommy · 15/05/2012 20:48

Selfish croc- please keep this to yourself until after his exams. If he loves her then he will place the issues with his relationship above the importance of his exams and probably retaliate and not perform as good as his true potential. Please, I speak from experience!

I do not dispute what everyone is saying re: law etc but this lad's welfare is paramount and currently he is in a relationship which he chooses to be in and has exams which his future may depend upon. Leave the law- breaking stuff until after his exams and give the guy, the adult guy a break. By all means tell whoever you need to after but don't stress him out prior to his exams .

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:48

Yeah Puffins I agree Hmm

I can't shake the feeling that the reaction on here is the way it is because he's a boy.

GnomeDePlume · 15/05/2012 20:49

Surely as a teacher if she recognised that technically it was a grey area then in reality she knew it was wrong?

These arent star-crossed lovers. There was a moment where she made a decision to step into the grey area. She was old enough to know better.

It doesnt matter that the DSS is now 18. When the relationship started he was 17. I would expect that it wouldnt matter to the school how sexual the relationship had been at the start, simply the fact that the relationship had existed would be a disciplinary offence. Parents are paying good money to this school to have their children cared for.

If we are charitable and assume that she is simply immature, what happens whe DSS grows up a bit and grows out of her. Will it be okay for her to start on the next 17 year old who helps in her class?

IDontDoIroning · 15/05/2012 20:51

I havent read all the responses but i agree with those who state it is a specific offence inder the sexual offences act, this is a child protection issue and if anyone found out it would cost her job, and probably lead to an entry on the sex offenders register. It is very lucky it was you walked in on them in the pub and not another parent a governor or a teacher, next time they may not be so lucky.
If they really care for each other they must stop seeing each other immediately.

sassytheFIRST · 15/05/2012 20:56

I am a teacher. What this woman has allowed to happen is both illegal and in very questionable taste, IMO. Not that it hasn't always happened - I know 2 make teachers who married 6th form girls they taught once the girls had left school (both relationships v long and successful btw). And that's kind of the point - 30+ years ago this would have been a bit dodgy, but ok. These days it is not.

However, I really don't think the womanising question is likely to be a predatory rapist, looking for the next yr 12 lad to get her claws into.

Most yr13 students across the land leave school on Friday. They then enter the most stressful period of their young lives (for most of them). I'd tell DSS that he ought to avoid seeing his girlfriend until his a levels were over. Once they're finished he should tell his dad, and see what transpires. Time apart might finish it anyway.

FanOfSlippers · 15/05/2012 20:57

I'd have her guts on a plate (repeated twice)

That'd be breaking the law. Just so you know.

fuckarama · 15/05/2012 20:58

As far as I'm aware, use of idiom isn't yet illegal.

However, should you know better, please feel free to refer me to the appropriate piece of legislation or case law.