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Original poster

Is is physically possible to explode from frustration???!?

142 replies

TooMuchInLove · 20/01/2012 20:06

I have been with DP for 2 years, and have a DSD with him (11).
I do love her dearly but I cannot cope with some of the stuff that goes on in this house and its driving me mad!!

The main problem is a mystical thursday illness that she seems to have aquired. She stays with us on a Wednesday and without a doubt as soon as DP says its bed time (never before 10) she suddenly gets a life threatening illness, I tell him week after week just to make her go to sleep but he doesn't he stays in her room watching films until late to try and make her feel better. She then refuses to go to school on the thursday because she is too tired and grumpy. He can't take the day off work so I have her. I don't have a problem with staying home but it really is starting to take the piss. As soon as DP leaves she is fine. but i have zero power to then make her go into school late.
Out of the last 10 school weeks she has been 'ill' on 8 of them.

This is driving her mum crazy because she knows she isn't ill and wants her in school and is getting tired of the weekly phone call off my DP saying he is keeping her home.

I have tried to get him to talk to her and find out if its a lesson she hates, or a certain friend, or just a general problem that she doesn't want to go but he honestly thinks she is ill. Or refuses to believe that she is capable of lying.

I am just so tired of him being such a pushover (it goes so much further than this, i.e he still brushes her teeth for her!!!) and need some advice on how i can kick him up the backside before I can't cope any more.

Just to say I do love DSD and we have a great relationship but this is just taking it out of me!

OP posts:
Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 26/01/2012 18:27

I've just had a really nice surprise, dsd has written me a letter to say sorry about this morning. she says she loves me and doesn't want me to not like her anymore because she was being horrible.
I suspect that its the idea of her mum which has just made me feel really nice.
I'm writing one back to let her know that I love her but it hurts me to see her not going to school and that I just want what's best for her.
I'll show dp her letter to see if that makes him realise that i did the right thing. 10 minutes to go...eek

OP posts:
catsmother · 26/01/2012 18:35

Looks promising ..... fingers crossed this is a new start.

QuickLookBusy · 26/01/2012 18:37

Oh that's lovely TooMuch. My fingers are crossed too.

BigFatSpider · 26/01/2012 18:39

That's sweet, OP - as long as it's from the heart and not a piece of master manipulation! I guess the proof of the pudding will be in her behaviour next Wednesday night/Thursday morning... Personally, I wouldn't wait to show your partner before you send your reply - it's correspondence between you and your DSD, you don't need his 'permission' to send your reply. I hope he begins to see, sharpish, that you're doing your best for her and he needs to do the same!

RandomMess · 26/01/2012 18:39

Hope things get sorted and you have a lovely time the kids.

BigFatSpider · 26/01/2012 18:42

Oh, ignore me OP - the perils of posting on a phone with tiny font led me to misread your last sentence! Sorry Blush

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 26/01/2012 18:43

no I'm not showing him my reply, that's none of his business, I'm off to post it through the door before he gets home. If he's not home in 15 mins then I'll have to go get the kids alone as the last thing they need is a late night in all this as well.

OP posts:
brdgrl · 27/01/2012 17:03

are you ok today?

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 27/01/2012 19:35

Sorry about the lack of update.
I have been run off my feet today.
god son and his sister are being little angels despite everything they are going through, they slept in with me last night, dp didn't come home in time to get them then complained about work when he got home so I told him to sleep in dsd's bed for the night.

got a full house tonight dsd is here as well so we have a bed and cot in our room as well as us but its nice.

not getting any support as of yet so just ignoring him to be honest.

dsd got her report today and her attendance was at 84% and it had a note in there saying she has been put on a watch list for it which they told us when we went into the school me and dsds mum)

dp and dsd are off out in a bit so once the littlies are in bed I'll have some reflection time. They are at least keeping my mind off him for now!

OP posts:
brdgrl · 27/01/2012 20:09

Yeah, I imagine it is the last thing you really have the energy for now!
I'm sorry again about your friend. Poor kids.

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 27/01/2012 20:40

Yea the baby isnt too bad as obviously not talking but my godson is beside himself which is horrid.
I now have a huge class of wine in my hand, a dvd to watch and a bit if peace and quiet. You've been so good and helpful to me, I don't know what i would of done without the support on here xx

OP posts:
Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 27/01/2012 21:12

Yea the baby isnt too bad as obviously not talking but my godson is beside himself which is horrid.
I now have a huge class of wine in my hand, a dvd to watch and a bit if peace and quiet. You've been so good and helpful to me, I don't know what i would of done without the support on here xx

OP posts:
LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 27/01/2012 21:33

I had a few other things written to post, but as I read your posts OP, what I was going to suggest is not appropriate - the only solution I would see if it were me would be to leave him.

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 27/01/2012 21:58

Advent calendar i am open to any opinions and options you can post it if you want to :-)
Right at this moment I can't leave him, i have to have a roof to cover my godson and his sisters head for now and they are my priority far above my needs. I'm not in the position to just up and leave but trust me it has crossed my mind. It would really hurt me to leave dsd but I understand she has a mum, I don't have kids so I have to put myself first every now and again x

OP posts:
Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 27/01/2012 22:01

Fricking phone! adventcandle! hehe x

OP posts:
purpleroses · 27/01/2012 22:09

I think you're right not to rush any changes right now. Focus on your godson and sister and their needs, and when their dad's able to pick up his life a bit better, you can start to think about yours. If you're friends with DSD's mum, that's a great thing - If you did split up, you'd still be able to keep up contact via her mum maybe? But don't go rushing into things when you've such a lot else to deal with right now.

And if I were you, I think I'd be looking for a bit of support from my DP with having lost a friend and now caring for her distressed DCs. That's a hell of a lot to deal with, and you're quite entitled to ask for a bit of moral and practical support. Enjoy your DVD and wine x

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 27/01/2012 22:28

They are my main concern, i loved their mother and love their dad to pieces. I couldn't be able to put then through any more stress then they are already going through.
I know dp wouldn't keep me in the loop wrt dsd but i'm sure her mum would. she really is a lovely lady and has never judged or victimized me for being dp's partner she's happy for dsd to have another woman in her life.

maybe soon when things are settled down the thought of moving.out and starting again might be easier but like i said those children are my concern and they need me right now. I'm just struggling more then i thought but with dp's mood i wot pick a fight as it is his house and at the moment the.kids need it x

OP posts:
kaluki · 28/01/2012 09:46

All the problems with your DSD and the school aside, you have been through a lot these last few days and from the sound of your posts your 'D'P has totally let you down when you have needed him the most.
He sounds like a selfish cruel arse of a man and you deserve better.

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 28/01/2012 13:22

Well, when I was little and played the 'too ill for school' card (on a Sunday night) my parents got so cross that they'd demand I get dressed and say they were taking me to the hospital as I must be very ill to be causing this much fuss, so it was crucial the doctors took a look at me. It frightened me as I knew docs would know I was lying. Always got me to behave. Mind, I was younger than your DSD.

I was also going to suggest a DSD EMbargo (not against her, but your DP). Stop doing anything that is in any way related to her care. Of course, chat/listen/advise/help in as much as a friend would - but anything that could be remoteley connected to parenting (inc. minding on her days off school etc) stop doing and seeing as your DP thinks so little of your ability to parent, he can do it all. Literally all of it.

Did I read it right that your DP said you would never be a mother?

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 28/01/2012 16:47

Yea we have some issues. when we got together it was well known i wanted children and that was a definite, however it has since come to light that dp doesn't want any more kids. unfortunately we were already 2 years in and I was head over heels for him.

he knows i suffered a miscarriage with my exp and that I wanted to try again. Its a tough issue really. he says he may change his mind...but yes i know its a deal breaker and i'm pathetic to live in hope but that's the way I've let it go on

OP posts:
uniqueatlast · 28/01/2012 17:15

You poor thing. You sound like a fabulous DSM & Godmother.

I picked up on him saying about you never being a mother. How fucking cruel. I understand you are putting your Godson & his sister first but once they can go back to their Dad, you really need to put yourself first. Your DP does not sound like a keeper. Hugs.

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 28/01/2012 17:56

I think i'll have to start thinking about me. godson said to dp today that i looked really pretty and dp actually came out with everyone looks pretty to you, your 4.
godson was really confused. I've asked him to stay in dsd's room so that the kids are more at ease, i know that's a bit harsh as it is his house and i have no right to ask him but i don't want there to be any grumbling if they wake up in the night.

Its really a case of money but i'm starting to see the benefit of struggling for a while to get happy in the long run.
I thank you all for your support x

OP posts:
kaluki · 28/01/2012 20:21

OMG. I wondered about the never be a mother comment too but assumed you can't have dc for some reason. How cruel he is.
What he said to your godson is just nasty. He's acting like a spiteful twat.
He really isn't looking like a good prospect for the future is he?

RandomMess · 28/01/2012 20:26

Your dp sounds worse and worse Sad you can do so much better for yourself.

brdgrl · 28/01/2012 21:06

agree, you can do much better.
i feel for you , i spent way too long in a relationship that was not right because i loved him and really just wanted to believe it could somehow work, but really i just wasted a lot of valuable time.
you seem like you would be a wonderful mother, and you deserve to do that if you want to.
i think you should find some counselling, you need a bit of confidence and the energy to treat yourself as well as you do others. x