Is is physically possible to explode from frustration???!?

[TooMuchInLove]

I have been with DP for 2 years, and have a DSD with him (11).
I do love her dearly but I cannot cope with some of the stuff that goes on in this house and its driving me mad!!

The main problem is a mystical thursday illness that she seems to have aquired. She stays with us on a Wednesday and without a doubt as soon as DP says its bed time (never before 10) she suddenly gets a life threatening illness, I tell him week after week just to make her go to sleep but he doesn't he stays in her room watching films until late to try and make her feel better. She then refuses to go to school on the thursday because she is too tired and grumpy. He can't take the day off work so I have her. I don't have a problem with staying home but it really is starting to take the piss. As soon as DP leaves she is fine. but i have zero power to then make her go into school late.
Out of the last 10 school weeks she has been 'ill' on 8 of them.

This is driving her mum crazy because she knows she isn't ill and wants her in school and is getting tired of the weekly phone call off my DP saying he is keeping her home.

I have tried to get him to talk to her and find out if its a lesson she hates, or a certain friend, or just a general problem that she doesn't want to go but he honestly thinks she is ill. Or refuses to believe that she is capable of lying.

I am just so tired of him being such a pushover (it goes so much further than this, i.e he still brushes her teeth for her!!!) and need some advice on how i can kick him up the backside before I can't cope any more.

Just to say I do love DSD and we have a great relationship but this is just taking it out of me!

i know hugs aren't really the done thing here, but i wish i could give you one anyway.
i'm sorry you are feeling shit and that he's been awful about the whole thing, but you really were in a position where you (and exW) had to do something - he really made it impossible for you to deal with this any other way.
i hope this will end up being a wake-up call for him. he needs a reexamination of his entire approach! to you and to his DD!

You are dealing with a twit. That is why it is so hard.

You sound like a lovely caring SM.
You really can't go on fighting like this as he clearly doesn't respect you. Unless today he suddenly realises what a twat he is being towards you, his ex and his DD I would seriously consider your relationship.

Crikey. He sounds like a complete idiot.

Aside from the issue with DSD I would imagine that you are finding it very hard to have any respect for him now. Living with someone who thinks they are always right is hard enough but living with someone who thinks he is always right but is also quite stupid is impossible. I am sorry for saying that he is stupid but if he cannot see the long term implications from all of this then really do not know what else to call it.

I would imagine his ex thanks her lucky stars that you are around.

You did the right thing. You may not be a mother but you're a better parent than he is.

Whatever he thinks he is achieving by pandering to his daughter like this, all he will actually achieve is to demotivate her to attend school as well as undermining any authority he has with her. If she had a serious issue with school such as bullying or similar then that would be another matter but that is obviously not the case here. Why he's being this much of a twat is difficult to answer but he is, most definitely, being a twat.

But never forget that you did the right thing.

So sorry he's being like this. Am so angry for you .... these bloody men (some, not all) who abdicate themselves of all decent and sensible responsibility towards their kids regardless of who else it affects, let alone the impact upon the children themselves.

You do not need to be a parent to know that what he's been doing is wrong, without a doubt. It's wrong to wag school, it's wrong to let a young child sit up till all hours, it's wrong to let that child play one parent off against the other, and it's very wrong - never more so than now - to tell your child that qualifications don't matter and that you can count on the state to support you. God knows people with genuine need aren't being properly supported ..... lazy, know-it-all kids aren't going to get a free ride that's for sure. So basically, his (lack of) ambition for his daughter could condemn her to a miserable future - what a nice, responsible "parent" he is. There's that old cliche about anyone can be a father (biologically), but it takes a real man to be a parent and on that basis, he's failed for sure. How bloody dare he have a go at you ! (.... you do realise he was lashing out, and hitting below the belt ther don't you ?)

I'd be thinking long and hard about your future with him unless he genuinely acknowledges that he's wrong about this - and actually does something about it. This isn't a grey area .... it's black and white. Sure, there's the main concern about SD's education, and the associated issues of her lying, manipulating him (and, by association, you) etc but I also can't help feeling that this whole business also shows a complete lack of respect towards you (effectively forcing you to provide childcare arising from circumstances you heartily disapprove of - as anyone responsible would) and that's worrying. I'm not quite sure how to articulate it but it seems to me like he created this thing where him and SD "ganged up" against you in your own home and that's so very disrespectful. His total lack of discipline and responsibility meant that in turn, you, as the adult female in the household were pushed to the bottom of the pecking order - e.g. you being unable to take her to school because she'd kick off and call her dad - because she knew damn well he'd always undermine your attempts to be responsible. Again, that's very very wrong .. and no basis for an equal relationship.

well said, catsmother!

I think I'll let him calm down an bit and then try to have a discussion about it all with no dsd around and no extra input.
that way i can explain to him why i did what i did.
I can only hope he sees sense but i expect that will take some time.
we are recovering this year from some huge arguments in November and December about him using dating sites and other things (seriously wish they hadn't been invented) and he has been trying really hard this month to try and make things better and for the most part it has been working. He was devastated when he thought i might leave him last year and dsd had a bad feeling about things and got really upset on a couple of occasions thinking that i was leaving her.

so i'm not gonna jump in the car and never look back but we definitely need some work.
I'm more then willing to work hard to get us back on the right track but I don't think he realise how much he hurts me like he did this morning and last night x

Um.

He is a Grade A Arse.

Truly really.

Get yourself a good man. No more excuses.

Dating sites??? Kick his sorry arse. And they DON'T change.

Oh, dear. He's more of a dick than I even realised. Poor you. Don't put up with any more crap from him, please. It is so not worth it...this step-parenting thing is really tough even where there is trust and effort on both sides, and it sounds like he isn't doing his bit.

I know it is a bit more complicated than that when you are actually in the relationship and love the man, but I am concerned for you.

You know what ..... I know it's hard to contemplate etc but I'd run for the hills now, to give yourself the opportunity - when you're ready - to meet a decent and trustworthy man who could be the decent and responsible father you'd hope to have for your own kids one day.

As Brdgrl says, step families can be almost impossibly hard anyway - even when the parent living apart from their child(ren) is reasonably sensible and objective about things. Your DP clearly isn't - to an almost unbelievable degree AND then ... then you say you're also attempting to recover from him using dating sites and "other things" (??). BOTH issues show a complete lack of respect for you. Take it from someone who's had years of step trouble (though not quite like this) .... you really don't deserve this level of contempt ... and without children together it should be "easier" to make the break. Don't want to downplay your feelings for him, or your disappointment and sadness but this really doesn't sound very healthy at all. He allows you no authority - through his attitude - with the child you're good enough to care for, he says cruel things to you (never will be a parent), and messes about with other women even if it is "only" "virtual" (??) He doesn't see you as an equal on the basis of all that evidence. I'd cut your losses sorry to say.

Its ok. I have been on before when people have just said leave him etc etc but i am working on us and will carry on trying for now.
it seems ridiculous. but he stood by me through illness and so i will stand by him for now.
I just need to get a bit more forceful i think.

thanks so much for everyones help, i never would of gone to the school and she would of ended up home from school with me for the next fee weeks so it really has been a great help.

i know it seems strange to be with this idiot but i suppose i don't rant about his good side on here cos there is no need but he does have one xx

At the very least would he agree to attend counselling with you ? It sounds as if there's an awful lot to sort out between you, and you'd have nothing to lose.

We did get onto the subject of counselling once but he's not the keenist on the idea. I have been thinking about going alone as i do have a couple of really close friends who i vent to but they have their fair share of issues and we almost never come to abyss conclusions or solutions just have a major bitch accompanied by too much wine! and it would be good to have someone to talk things through with.
I'm not sure though I've never experienced anything like counselling so would be pretty nervous.

Toomuch, just read your OP again and the thread title. You partner should not be making you feel as he is. You can not be spending every week dreading Thursdays!

Every single poster responding to you has said his behaviour is wrong.

Seriously, if he does not acknowledge what a prat he has been with you/DD/ex you need to reconsider your relationship.

X posted.

I've had counselling Toomuch and it was very helpful. I only did about 5 sessions and it made me look at things much more clearly.

If you want to stay with him that's your choice and obviously you know him better than us but I would really lay down the law with him now and INSIST on some serious changes not only regarding your SD but also the way he treats you.
If he wants you to be her stepmum then he has to let you be a parent to her. He can't have it both ways. He sounds like a spoilt child himself tbh and as for the way he spoke to you earlier, that is totally unacceptable and you should not ever have to be spoken to like that.
I sympathise with you so much - I have spent many evenings in my bedroom seething because yet again my SD has manipulated my DP to the extent that she is treated like the princess and I am left feeling like the intruder in my own house but our only saving grace is that he knows he is too soft and since I really laid it on the line to him about 6 months ago and made a few demands of my own he has been making a huge effort to discipline her and not cave in to her demands. If he was like your DP (dating sites aside) I really don't think we would have any chance of a future together.
Good luck

Oh i know his behaviour is wrong i am definitely not denying that! i hate being made to feel like shit! i would just rather try and work on it to the best of my ability as still have a little bit of faith in him.

He is coming with me to my friends husbands house (the friend that just passed :-( ) to have a cup of tea and take the kids of his hands as one of them is my god son. i told him that i want him home in time to have a chat before we go and get them as i want to be totally sure he knows that these children are under my care for the next days/ weeks however long we keep them and that i won't take any of his bullshit with them.

Its his choice really he can agree to treat me with a bit more respect or he can choose to put an end to us but that really is up to him. I will try my hardest to keep him but only if he is willing to respect me

That's the spirit!
So sorry to hear about your friend xx

I'm still in shock and it hasn't really hitme yet which is probably best for now i spect it will tonight but that's just another wall to smash my head through i suppose. got to stay strong for all the kiddlywinks...i do love being a god mum and step mum which helps.
god i'm so thankful for mumsnet right now i really am!

TooMuch you will be in shock for a while. It is lovely of you to have the DC for a few days.

I really hope your partner steps up and gives you lots of love and support while you are going through this horrible time.

I used to have my godson all the time before i was with dp (he is 4 now yikes!) and his ickle sis if the most delightful little ball of fun (1yo) they might even help.to take my mind off dp for a bit.
Lets keep fingers crossed for support tonight though eh! x

Sounds like you're having a really tough time right now, and need your DP to be there for you. Hope he gets over his huff about you going behind his back (absolutely the right thing to do, but it must no doubt have seemd to him that his ex and you were ganging up on him). Hope he's able to help you look after your poor godson + sis when they need you and treat you with more respect as a co-parent to your DSD - a role that you're obviously more then capable of.

Yes, fingers crossed, OP.

You sound like a lovely parent to me - both to DSD and the DC who'll be with you for the next few days/whenever. I'm so sorry about your friend. Your partner is bloody lucky to have someone as selfless as you - he could learn a lesson or 400 two from you in that respect.

Don't let him wear you down further just because he wants to his DD's mate. I hope he'll join you for counselling and that it helps - if it's what you truly want.

I'm going to have a good long think about it tonight and have a look at a few options. maybe if i go by myself for a little while then he might be willing to join me. we shall see! i think i will but.going on a hunt for more info first

Tbh I wouldn't be making any major decisions at the moment. You have had a shock and you need to focus on getting through the next few weeks and dealing with your loss and looking after these poor little children.
Maybe the way your DP treats you over this sad time will be the deciding factor in whether you want to continue or end things.