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Is is physically possible to explode from frustration???!?

142 replies

TooMuchInLove · 20/01/2012 20:06

I have been with DP for 2 years, and have a DSD with him (11).
I do love her dearly but I cannot cope with some of the stuff that goes on in this house and its driving me mad!!

The main problem is a mystical thursday illness that she seems to have aquired. She stays with us on a Wednesday and without a doubt as soon as DP says its bed time (never before 10) she suddenly gets a life threatening illness, I tell him week after week just to make her go to sleep but he doesn't he stays in her room watching films until late to try and make her feel better. She then refuses to go to school on the thursday because she is too tired and grumpy. He can't take the day off work so I have her. I don't have a problem with staying home but it really is starting to take the piss. As soon as DP leaves she is fine. but i have zero power to then make her go into school late.
Out of the last 10 school weeks she has been 'ill' on 8 of them.

This is driving her mum crazy because she knows she isn't ill and wants her in school and is getting tired of the weekly phone call off my DP saying he is keeping her home.

I have tried to get him to talk to her and find out if its a lesson she hates, or a certain friend, or just a general problem that she doesn't want to go but he honestly thinks she is ill. Or refuses to believe that she is capable of lying.

I am just so tired of him being such a pushover (it goes so much further than this, i.e he still brushes her teeth for her!!!) and need some advice on how i can kick him up the backside before I can't cope any more.

Just to say I do love DSD and we have a great relationship but this is just taking it out of me!

OP posts:
Billynomateswontbemyfriend · 20/01/2012 20:09

CAn you talk to the mum? Will she talk to you?

RandomMess · 20/01/2012 20:14

Could you try a family discussion including her Mum...

Sounds like he's trying to be a disney dad Sad

TooMuchInLove · 20/01/2012 20:15

Yea we get on pretty well, she comes and picks up DSD from me when she finishes work on the days she is 'ill' and is so annoyed about her having time off school. She works for her DP and their business is struggling so I don't mind that she can't have time off because I want the business to go well for them!
The problem is DP doesn't listen to anyone and he thinks he is perfect in every respect. We just had an argument as he has said he is letting DSD go to her dancing club tomorrow even though she has been off school for the last two days.

He won't react to his ExW as he knows she would never do anything about his access and so he can't lose.
But she is going to senior school in sep and i just don;t think they are going to tolerate it!

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 20/01/2012 20:16

TooMuch Your DP is entitled to emergency parental leave from work to cover these situations - you are not.

While I don't advocate the "your DC, your problem" approach - in this case, if you make sure that you have other plans on Thursday, then your DP has no choice but to take time off, or pack DSD off to school.
It sounds like it has become a habit for both of them that needs breaking and I think that your DP is taking you for granted a bit Wink

TooMuchInLove · 20/01/2012 20:19

NotaDisneyMum (great name) he owns his own business and really needs to be there for certain reasons, I am a Nanny and am able to take her to work with me.

I have tried this by saying Mb no longer wants DSD to come to work with me and he just basically calls me on it.

I am starting a new job in a month where i won't be able to have her, but i don't want him taking time off work as we really need the money! I need a way of getting him to realise she isn't the perfect little princess he sees and that she is putting it on!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/01/2012 20:25

I think I would tell him that the issue is that she clearly can't get to sleep at your house at a reasonable hour so perhaps the mid week overnights will have to stop...

If her absence continues she will be notified to the authorities because of it!

Perhaps her mum could speak to the school and they could send a formal letter to both parents due to their being a clear pattern to her absence...

TooMuchInLove · 20/01/2012 20:29

RandomMess She never goes to bed until gone 10 at hours (not my choice) then she has her tele on for an hour. DP puts her to bed and stays with her watching tele for about half an hour of that, but 9 times out of 10 she is still awake when we go to bed.
At her mums it is bed at half 9 tele til 10 then thats it, and she would never dare ask for more at her mums cos she will get a resounding no. But if she asks DP for anything he will do it.

I'm not to worried about the school calling the authorities as it is a small village school and they tend to overlook certain things when they know all the families, but when she starts senior school i know this will change.
ExW can't have her on Wednesdays as they have her DPs 3 DCs that night and so all the beds are taken

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/01/2012 20:34

Argh

Really you need to give your dp a good slap and tell him to step up and PARENT her instead of indulging her.

grrrrrrr

chelen · 20/01/2012 20:45

Oh words actually fail me!

I think you have to stop facilitating this, it is not right!

I am now thanking my lucky stars for my husband's ex...

TooMuchInLove · 20/01/2012 20:46

I think he just doesn't want to let go of his baby. When i first moved in i found out that he still did so much for her that she is beyond capable of and it did my head in.
I have managed to faze most of them out but this just doesn't seem to get any better.
DSD has actually started disliking her mum because DP spoils her and treats her like this and her mum acts like a parent and that makes her a bitch by all accounts.
I don't want her to get to the stage where she is actually ill and neither me or her mum believe her cos that will be awful for her, but its a bit of the boy who cried wolf at this point!

OP posts:
Purpleroses · 20/01/2012 20:51

My DS is just turned 12 and is always in bed by 9, off to sleep by 9.30 at the latest. 11pm is way too late for an 11 year old on a school night, and makes it no wonder she doesn't feel great in the mornings.

My guess would be there's nothing really wrong at school (as it's unlikely to be only on a Thursday if there is) but that she enjoys spending the day with you - as you say you have a great relationship. Can you suggest doing some fun things together at the weekend, but on condition that she gets herself an early night on a Wednesday so she's up for school in the morning?

If your DP is leaving you in charge of her when she's "ill" then he should also be leaving you with the authority to send her to school (albeit late) if she seems well an hour or so after he has left.

8 out of 10 weeks "ill" - surely he must realise that's not genuine?

Hassled · 20/01/2012 20:57

So the problem isn't the mother, it isn't you and it isn't the DSD (because really, she's just being 11. A manipulative 11, but then that often goes with the age). The problem is entirely with your DP who is doing her no favours and making everyone else's life harder.

Is there someone else who could step in and speak to him, assuming you're tried as much as you can? One of his parents? A sibling? A good mate? Someone from the school - if it's a small village school is there any way you and the mother between you get the Head or the teacher to have a quiet word with him?

TooMuchInLove · 20/01/2012 20:58

he honestly thinks its true
I did think she was maybe having too much of a good time so last week i literally said bed no tele, only water and healthy food, no phone and other things like that, she went absolutely mental and cried in her bed for an hour before she finally let off (she realised she should of gone to school)
I've tried to take her back in late once and she's rung her dad and told him and he's told me that if i take her back then he'll do x,y,z because its cruel making her go in late in front of all of her friends.

I'm starting to honestly think he shouldnt have as much access to her as he does because at the moment i don;t think he is helping her in the slightest but its not like i can tell him that.

We have been on thin ice in our relationship recently and one of the things keeping me there is his DD because i hate to think how bad he will be with her if i'm not there??

OP posts:
Purpleroses · 20/01/2012 21:12

Oh dear :( That doesn't sound a good reason to be staying in a relationship

TooMuchInLove · 20/01/2012 21:18

Purpleroses its not the only reason i assure you, I do love him but thats a whole other story (and thread hehe)
It is just one of the factors making me work on our relationship!

OP posts:
brdgrl · 20/01/2012 23:23

OK, so do you take her to your nanny job when she is supposedly sick? How can your DH justify that??? If nothing else, tell him the other parents don't want to risk their child becoming ill!

For starters - you need a zero tolerance approach to her "illness". I learned this from my mother and practice it with my SCs.

In your case, you cannot possibly take her to the home of another child when she's ill (yes, we know she isn't really - but this entire strategy relies on you completely sympathising and committing to the idea that she is really, genuinely ILL!). So start there. Next time she's sick, you either can't look after her as you can't expose the other child, OR you have to lose the day's work.

Next, she needs rest, of course. Lots of uninterrupted, telly-free, unstiulating REST. Talking on the phone will just keep her from her rest, so probably best to remove it for her own good. Reading a nice book is fine, unless she's complaining of headaches, in which case a semi-darkened room is quite nice.

Food. She should have soup and toast, perhaps, unless it is a severe stomach illness, in which case perhaps some dry crackers.

Obviously you don't want a relapse the following week, so it is advisable to talk to her mum and make sure that all weekend social plans or taxing activities are cancelled. (As her mum is onto her as well, this shouldn't be too hard.)

You say you tried this last week - good - keep it up and never backslide. Going to school has to be the more attractive option.

If there is something at school she does not want to face on Thursdays, she might actually fess up and tell you that. But if not - well, you can't help that and you can't indulge this behaviour.

Don't put up with threats from your DH over this, either!!! If he doesn't like you takingher in to school late - tough! He's not there, is he??? I would think it were absolutely worth the row. He's the one taking the piss, and you are ending up with all the hassle - plus setting up very bad behaviours as DSD becomes a teenager (trust me on this, please!).

(I also have a DH who lets DSD play sick and it is very annoying - but nothing like the degree you have described here! And I'm not left as the caregiver when she's malingering!)

TooMuchInLove · 21/01/2012 15:47

Well her mum has no control over her weekend activities as its DP that takes her and pays for it all so he says she can go.
In terms of her being actually ill I have never taken her to work with me if she has sickness and dia as its not right but to my knowledge she has only been sick once since i have known her.

she went to her dancing club today as miraculously she felt fine this morning and DP said it was ok but I didn't agree.
Her mum isn't going to be happy about it but like i said before she won't pick a fight with DP as he will just come up with the fact he's her dad end of.
Just need a way of fixing it because i'm moving jobs and there is no way i'm helping her scive off school and losing work!

OP posts:
brdgrl · 21/01/2012 15:52

Well, yes, but I guess my point is that you actually are helping her to do just that, because you are enabling it. I understand why, because your DP is being incredibly difficult about it all and you feel you have no choice, because you don't want to have an almighty row with your DP. But you do - you have to put your foot down...and keep it down. As long as you make staying home "ill" a more attractive option for her and for your DP, they are going to exploit that.

chelen · 21/01/2012 15:56

Hi, I really think you need to just stop. Stop taking her to your work. Seriously, just stop.

If you don't want to do that, your problem will be solved next month when you can't do it anyway.

Then you have to walk out of the door and leave your partner to deal with it.

If he chooses to take time off work to let a well child skip school, I would have a serious think about whether that makes him a sensible option as a long term partner. Because this is going to get a lot worse when she gets to the really tough teenage years.

crumpet · 21/01/2012 16:10

Why are your employers happy for you to take a "sick" child with you to work to mix with theirs?

I'd be less than chuffed if my nanny did that. Appreciate she is not really ill but if your dh genuinely thinks that she is why does he think your employers would be happy? Especially if it is nearly every week. Can't you say that you are no longer allowed to take her to work with you?

TooMuchInLove · 21/01/2012 16:20

Crumpet my employers know the situation and they really don't mind dc has preschool for half the day then he is dead chuffed to see her.

i get that its totally wrong and that I am in the wrong enabling it. I just don't know how to stop it without causing an almighty scene with did in the house.
I have spoken to here about it and she just says she is ill and even if she isn't dad says its ok so that's that.

I just don't want her ending up without a stable relationship with her dad cos he is being a mate instead of a parent and I don't want to come home from work to find her still in her pjs having not gone to school :-( just at the end of my tether really.

OP posts:
chelen · 21/01/2012 16:38

Why would it matter if it caused a scene?

If you really don't want to cause a scene, just tell your partner you can't do it, then the next morning you leave the house for your job before he leaves for his. Go to a cafe for three hours before work if you have to, as long as you make sure he has to deal with it.

I think you know that the only way you can make this stop is to stop doing what you are doing. He isn't going to wake up and think 'oh, today's the day I'm going to change entirely and become a responsible father'. So either you have to put up with it or put your foot down and stop doing it.

RandomMess · 21/01/2012 16:47

You don't need to cause a scene, you just need to forewarn him that you are not able to take dsd to work with you from now on so he'll have to sort it out if she's ill.

ElenorRigby · 21/01/2012 18:15

Be totally unavailable on Thursdays is my simple advice.
Your problem is your DP, not his DD.

Work out a way to draw an appropriate boundary.
His actions/inactions are imo violating yours.

Think...
If your DP is in reality loving why would he effectively force you to do this?

Littlefish · 21/01/2012 18:21

You are wrong about the school turning a blind eye to this. As soon as her attendance falls below a certain level, they are duty bound to act. A definite pattern of missed school will raise alarm bells even quicker. Your DH is behaving very immaturely.

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