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Original poster

Is is physically possible to explode from frustration???!?

142 replies

TooMuchInLove · 20/01/2012 20:06

I have been with DP for 2 years, and have a DSD with him (11).
I do love her dearly but I cannot cope with some of the stuff that goes on in this house and its driving me mad!!

The main problem is a mystical thursday illness that she seems to have aquired. She stays with us on a Wednesday and without a doubt as soon as DP says its bed time (never before 10) she suddenly gets a life threatening illness, I tell him week after week just to make her go to sleep but he doesn't he stays in her room watching films until late to try and make her feel better. She then refuses to go to school on the thursday because she is too tired and grumpy. He can't take the day off work so I have her. I don't have a problem with staying home but it really is starting to take the piss. As soon as DP leaves she is fine. but i have zero power to then make her go into school late.
Out of the last 10 school weeks she has been 'ill' on 8 of them.

This is driving her mum crazy because she knows she isn't ill and wants her in school and is getting tired of the weekly phone call off my DP saying he is keeping her home.

I have tried to get him to talk to her and find out if its a lesson she hates, or a certain friend, or just a general problem that she doesn't want to go but he honestly thinks she is ill. Or refuses to believe that she is capable of lying.

I am just so tired of him being such a pushover (it goes so much further than this, i.e he still brushes her teeth for her!!!) and need some advice on how i can kick him up the backside before I can't cope any more.

Just to say I do love DSD and we have a great relationship but this is just taking it out of me!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/01/2012 18:25

TBH I would tip off the school Grin

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 21/01/2012 21:33

I have been tempted to tip the school off I just worry its not my place being the 'dads girlfriend' in their eyes!

I'm really not sure whether they are paying enough attention to her attendance as did has been doing this for quite a while now.

he is immature and he is the problem but I can't let it go on. I told him today that I won't have her off school any more and I will tell the school if i think that something is wrong.
He thinks its an empty threat but I am going to stick to it, I'm also thinking.of texting his ExW just to let her know that I won't have her anymore but i don't know if that is going behind DPs back too much or not

OP posts:
Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 21/01/2012 21:34

So grateful for all of your advice by the way!!! x

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 21/01/2012 22:23

Oh, the irony! It's not your place to engage with the school and tell them what's going on; but you are good enough to leave DSD with all day - after all, her parents are too busy working to take time off Wink

This will only change if you stand up for yourself Sad Personally, the Disney Dad attitude would have been a deal breaker for me, but what makes this worse is the fact that you are the only one inconvenienced by your DSD parents inability to parent.

If my DD was regularly missing school while on her dads 'watch' then I'd be making damn sure that she was with me on those nights - why is her mother absolving herself of responsibility?

If you don't want to cause a scene with your DP then next time you're left with DSD, call her mother and arrange to drop DSD off to her.

At the moment, you are being trampled over by DP, DSD and her mum - but the only person who can change that is you!

RandomMess · 21/01/2012 22:34

It does sound like your dsd mum would be onboard with you so perhaps text her and say that unless you are certain that dsd is genuinely unwell you are not able to compromise your job anymore looking after her.

I have to agree the disney dad would be a deal breaker for me too!

catsmother · 22/01/2012 09:45

How does this "illness" manifest itself ? What are the symptoms ? ...... 'cos obviously, not being medically qualified yourselves, you're unaware of any condition that strangely arises on a regular basis, once a week, on Wednesday nights ? ............ and it must be medical mustn't it, as DP has pooh-poohed the idea of any trouble at school (on Thursdays only ??) so if he was any sort of parent he should, after all this time, arrange for her to see the GP quick smart.

Would love to see the humiliation and very likely a telling off for wasting doctor's time, when they rolled up complaining of nothing in particular that arose every Weds and apparently had been "treated" with late nights - that well known remedy for all illness. But of course I very much doubt Disney Dad would buy into that 'cos he knows damn well the little madam is playing him like a fiddle and he's letting her. Must be so so frustrating for you because in your position - despite being good enough to be lumbered with look after her, you'd have no authority to take her to the doctors.

Can you not tell DP that your employers have refused to have her at work starting from now ? That their understanding has reached breaking point ?

stuffthenonsense · 22/01/2012 10:06

I agree with catsmother, the minute drs surgery opens on a thursday morning, get her an appointment, it wont be long before the GP is on to the situation and gives DP some advice and DSD some foul tasting 'medicine'...

My SS blagged a week off school with a limp that miraculously changed from leg to leg, and only appeared when his dad was watching, giving me a mouthful if i said anything....so very frustrating. And yes it was me who had to care for him...grrr

Smum99 · 22/01/2012 11:21

As others say - just be unavailable on Thursdays. Would your DP consider counselling - my DH was similar (but thankfully not to this extend) and truly believed his child was faultless..he never once corrected him as that would embarrass him. I did manage to get DH to counselling where he discussed his "positive parenting approach". A 3rd party telling DH that it wasn't healthy to have zero boundaries did sink in and the situation got much better.

It must be so stressful for you to witness such poor parenting when you are in the industry. I can understand your frustration.

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 23/01/2012 17:56

It is so annoying. Obviously i'm not perfect but his parenting just does my head in.
I told him last night if she is ill again this week then she is off to the doctors ( i said this in front of dsd) as he is so sure she's poorly it has to be sorted and he told me he would take the day off this week.
that's just like letting it happen.

so thanks to all your advise i have tested her mum saying that at 10 on Wednesday night if she suddenly comes down with her illness she is going home. (they have a very full house on Wednesdays but will Di something this week to make sure she has a bed)

then DP can't complain about her being ill because he won't have a choice whether she goes in or not.

i also told dsd that she isn't going to be able to see the boy i look after anymore (who she loves coming to visit) because i am scared that her ongoing health problems are going to affect him and I can't risk it. she cried and I got shoutedbolat by DP but i think she got the message. we shall see on Wednesday night x

OP posts:
brdgrl · 23/01/2012 18:16

I think you have done the right thing. Good on you. Am sure it is hard when you are up against the pair of them!

stuffthenonsense · 23/01/2012 18:23

Well done for trying to sort it out...it must have taken quite some effort....keep us posted on how it all works out.

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 24/01/2012 14:26

Yep just have to wait until tomorrow night now. well put it this way if she doesn't go in then I am ringing the school.
Honestly if it were my parents I don't think we ever had a day off school and if we did we lost any activities that we wanted to do.

what is it about pushover parents these days. sometimes i think he's afraid she'll break a bone by putting her own shoes on!! x

OP posts:
theredhen · 24/01/2012 15:30

If a Childs attendance falls below 80% the school has to inform the welfare officers and both parents will be contacted.

I know this because we have a similar issue with dss and his mum enabling him to have lots of time off. She makes sure his attendance stays at 81%.[Hmm]

Op, you have given me the inspiration to put my foot down next time dp rushes off to pick up dss from mums and then let him sit on a computer game all day, especially when he is moaning how awful ex wife is for not sending him to school!

NatashaBee · 24/01/2012 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 24/01/2012 16:13

Well today i have realised that I probably get taken advantage of quite alot as a 'step' mum. Need to start putting my foot down.
I don't think I am wicked and I one of the lucky ones to have a good relationship with dsd's mum but fuck me its hard work sometimes!!
Obviously its not as picture perfect as it seems from here. Had an almighty row with DSD last night as i caught her putting a necklace of mine into her school bag (thieving little git) she told me 'oh I thought it was mine'
DP got angry when i replied 'oh do you often keep your things in my drawers' took it back and told her she is not to go into my drawers...and she cried (not quite sure how this is my fault i wast stealing) bless!
oh the joys!!

OP posts:
brdgrl · 24/01/2012 18:11

and your DP was angry with you? Confused

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 24/01/2012 18:21

Yea everything is my fault! by all accounts.
He said she must of thought it was hers...(its in a box with a message on it to me from an old friend so its pretty obviously not)

had a phone call from dsd's mum saying that dsd was really sorry and was really worried she'd upset me. i said i won't tolerate that in my house and all is fine. Really me and her mum should share custody and just leave DP out of it hehe :-)

OP posts:
brdgrl · 24/01/2012 18:27

:)

NotaDisneyMum · 24/01/2012 18:46

My exH is the ultimate DisneyDad - I feel for you and your DSD mum; it is such a nightmare!

Unfortunately, my exH has blocked all attempts at me developing an independant relationship with his fiancee; who DD thinks is "cool" Smile - like you, I think that if she and I got togetherer and left exH out of it, DD would be much better off Wink

I've done the "into bed, dim lights, bland food, no consoles" routine with DSS when he "cried wolf" about being unwell Wink It worked a treat - he has never, ever done it again Smile

stuffthenonsense · 24/01/2012 19:21

Oh wow! He got cross with you because she is stealing from you????? That is just shocking, at least her mum appears to be on your side....i dont suppose your DH would go for a family contract that sets out expectation/rewards/sanctions?

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 24/01/2012 19:35

He won't go for anything if he thinks it will change his relationship with his dd. but the truth is she has more respect for me and her mum then she does for him because he gives her everything.
He also thinks i'm a bad influence because i have no relationship with my parents (but you wouldn't if you knew them). dsd is happy and i think a little lucky to have a mum and step mum who think alike and act alike around her.
You think he'd realise that he has got nowhere treating her like a princess and face up to reality.
He'll realise it when she reaches her teenage years and wants to spend less time with us and more at her friends! x

OP posts:
Smum99 · 24/01/2012 22:06

wow, to the relationship you have with the mum..I'm so jealous. She seems like a great person and so do you.Love the idea of you and the mum sharing custody:)

Good luck and keep us posted on the "sickgate" saga

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 25/01/2012 19:13

Well I've just got home dsd is complaining of a headache. i said oh really and DP has decided he has one too. I really couldve done with an easy night as had some awful news today about a friend who's passed away and don't want the hassle :-( looks like we are going to have the same problem as every week :-(

OP posts:
purpleroses · 25/01/2012 19:26

parecetamol all round? And a Wine for you

Original poster
TooMuchInLove · 25/01/2012 19:37

I've said that but she refuses tablets and won't take calpol cos she's a fussy little git!
I'm just in such a foul mood and think i might say things i'll regret tonight!

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