Is is physically possible to explode from frustration???!?

[TooMuchInLove]

I have been with DP for 2 years, and have a DSD with him (11).
I do love her dearly but I cannot cope with some of the stuff that goes on in this house and its driving me mad!!

The main problem is a mystical thursday illness that she seems to have aquired. She stays with us on a Wednesday and without a doubt as soon as DP says its bed time (never before 10) she suddenly gets a life threatening illness, I tell him week after week just to make her go to sleep but he doesn't he stays in her room watching films until late to try and make her feel better. She then refuses to go to school on the thursday because she is too tired and grumpy. He can't take the day off work so I have her. I don't have a problem with staying home but it really is starting to take the piss. As soon as DP leaves she is fine. but i have zero power to then make her go into school late.
Out of the last 10 school weeks she has been 'ill' on 8 of them.

This is driving her mum crazy because she knows she isn't ill and wants her in school and is getting tired of the weekly phone call off my DP saying he is keeping her home.

I have tried to get him to talk to her and find out if its a lesson she hates, or a certain friend, or just a general problem that she doesn't want to go but he honestly thinks she is ill. Or refuses to believe that she is capable of lying.

I am just so tired of him being such a pushover (it goes so much further than this, i.e he still brushes her teeth for her!!!) and need some advice on how i can kick him up the backside before I can't cope any more.

Just to say I do love DSD and we have a great relationship but this is just taking it out of me!

Only treatment for headache without tablets is to lie in a darkened room and relax - give her an early night - sounds like you need a bit of peace and quiet this evening anyway. Or take yourself for a long bath and leave them to their headaches?

I'm thinking the bath option as I can't tell her to go to bed...thats dps department. Just think I'm not cut out for this at the moment :(
All the stress and frustration and none of the benefits...
I have huge respect for all the other step mums out there!

Well, don't forget - your post above - this is a good opportunity to show them that you are serious and not going to put up with it anymore!

i have tested her mum saying that at 10 on Wednesday night if she suddenly comes down with her illness she is going home. (they have a very full house on Wednesdays but will Di something this week to make sure she has a bed)...i also told dsd that she isn't going to be able to see the boy i look after anymore (who she loves coming to visit) because i am scared that her ongoing health problems are going to affect him and I can't risk it.

Sorry about your friend.

Her mum just came round to collect her and dp refused to let her go. They had a huge argument where dsds mum left in tears. I caught up with her outside and she said she is going to ring the school in the morning and inform them that no one other than herself can ring in to inform them of sickness and if anyone tries to to ring her.
She shouldn't have to be putting up with shit like this from him. I've told him that dsd has to go to school in the morning otherwise she is going to get into trouble over her attendance.
He told me that if a parent rings in its not classed as unauthorised so it doesn't matter and that sometimes she just needs a day off.

I can't believe he acted this way to his ex i'm seething! I've text her saying if she needs any help to let me know but that she is welcome round in the morning to force dsd to go to school. I have the morning off tomorrow so now that I have blessing from her mum I'm going to stay home with her then get her mum round and between us make her go to school.
If dp has a problem with it then he can bite me!
I really didn't think I would feel this angry about a situation like this when it isn't even my child!

Oh dear :(

Sounds like the last thing you need.

Wonder what the school will think of that - one parent saying she's ill and the other saying she's not Would guess they may well record it as authorised (as it helps their stats) and not want to get into the position of having to relay info between parents, however by bringing her absense to their attention they may then contact the educational welfare people who would probably want to talk to your DP and find out why she's been missing so much school - so could help to move things on. She's Y6 right? So SATS this summer - schools do tend to get more anxious about attendence in Y6 in my experience.

Your DP is really out of order though saying his DD can have a day off when she wants one, against her DM's wishes (and yours!), and then expecting you to look after her all day! Think your plan of texting her DM sounds like a good one.

I've just come to the conclusion that unless some form of authority steps in its just going to escalate.
She is in Y6 yea. The trouble is she isn't bad at school, she does her homework when nagged enough and she is clever so they might not see it as much of a problem as I do.

His access to her was decided between him and her mum without court or anything so i'm guessing that unless it went to court there isn't a lot anyone can do to take her away from ours during the week.

He's just gone to watch harry potter with her in her room cos she's upset about what happened with her mum...the film is almost 3 hours long and he's told her she can watch it all.

I just need to scream. I hate the fact that I have no one to vent this too in RL because I always get judged and thought of as the wicked step mum. its just crap.

Thanks so much by the way for your replies...MN is keeping me sane(ish) right now x

So she won't get to sleep until half past midnight then. Great.

Poor you

God. Your DP is seriously out of order. I'm sorry you are in this ridiculous situation. I'm proud of you for not rolling over for it, though! Enough is enough...it sounds like he is using his DD as a pawn to piss off you and his exW, and to hell with what is best for DD. What a shame.

Well I didn't think it would happen but I actually think I'm at the end of my tether. I think my last mission with this family will be to sort this school issue. I love my dsd but I am tired of having zero authority and being treated like shit by DP...he should come with a warning...'Disney Dad Do Not Approach' that would of been helpful :(

Unbelievable - you are so right however to worry about secondary school. I always felt that primary was about instilling school routines so that by secondary school the children are self disciplined to do homework and get up for school even if mum/dad isn't forcing you.

I can imagine that you are losing all respect for your dp...silly man

Just caught him on MN looking at threads...luckily he thinks my name is different to what it is...wouldn't want the repurcussions of him seeing all of this.

I'm losing all respect for him. I used to respect him so much when he told me how bad his break up was and how much he sees his daughter but now I just think that he is a poor excuse for a dad. I don't know what its going to be like in 5 years time when dsd is 16 and probably sciving off school everyday and failing it because she has been brought up by him to believe its ok.
Call me old fashioned but I think kids should be brought up to know that if they work hard and respect themselves and others they will have a better, happier and more wholesome life.

I hate to count up how many times he's told her that qualifications are pointless as they mean nothing once your out of school and that its easy now for people to survive on the government.
I want her to want to achieve something in her life and have passions and friends and a good family relationship with everyone, not believe that everything she wants will be handed to her.

Its all just got a bit too much tonight, I'm sat here crying thinking of everything and how its just all melting into a big ball of shit and getting a bit self pityish.

probably means its time for sleep so I don't have to think about any of it :(

Don't apologise for a bit of self pity - more than understandable in the circumstances. The way he's behaving to both you and to his ex is disgusting, and the child will milk this for all she's worth. I can't begin to imagine how frustrated you feel ... "needs a day off" .... what bloody rubbish.

Unfortunately, your hands are tied - apart from refusing to do any childcare in any shape or form - because approaches to the school need to come from her mother. It's good that at least you and she are on the same side but maybe the mum, aside from trying to work out a "ringing in sick" plan also needs to draw to the school's attention the actual pattern of this so called sickness ...... can't believe that they'd not think almost every Thurs off isn't suspicious. At the very least they need to speak - preferably face to face - with DP and ask him what the hell is going on .... has she been taken to the GP etc ? Someone in authority needs to come down hard on him and while the school's in a difficult position re: he said/she said type stuff it'd do no harm at all for the mum to report his attitude so they know what they're dealing with ..... days off when a child fancies, no point in qualifications and so on. She may be coping with schoolwork right now but a continuous pattern like this is bound to affect her work sooner or later - especially at senior school.

Oh toomuchinlove, i just want to give you a big hug....you seem like such a lovely stepmum, i am not surprised you are feeling as desperate as you are.
I think its fantastic that you and the exW are on the same page here and under these circumstances i would definately be encouraging that relationship.
Sadly it does look like someone is going to have to get the authorities/ legal people in to force a change here..i cannot believe any father would suggest to his child that she can do ok from the government, its not very loving not to encourage a child to achieve and dream, doesnt every parent want their child to be the best that they can be? I have no idea where you are but i would certainly be your real life support if you were local..no judgement from me.

Well he has gone to work but is coming home expecting to see her here as she has leg pain and a headache but she isn't staying here. Her mum is here and she is being bustled off to school. we have some mega tears and i want daddy but oh well. her mum is going into the school abduction wants me there to discuss what they think and things. the head has agreed to see her this morning.

i still feel like i'm going behind dps back by doing all of this but i think its for the best.

Really sorry your DP is being so silly, he's making me quite cross!

You sound like a very caring SM, he unfortunately is coming out of this looking bad.

Do post an update about school today.

Toomuch,

I have so much admiration for what you are dealing with and how you are dealing with it. I can't imagine what stress you must be under.

I really don't know if you can change your DP, but at least you can sleep at night knowing that you didn't just stand by and let the ridiculous situation carry on. I feel sorry for your DSD and her future when a parent is rubbishing her education like your DP does!

I don't think you can be accused of going behind his back on this when a) god knows how many times you've raised the issue, b) the child's mum is quite entitled to speak to the school regardless of how he feels and c) this really is a basic child welfare issue. You can only bang your head on a wall so many times and as he's completely unprepared to act in his daughter's best interests, then someone else has to.

Many of us are all too familiar with Disney dad tactics unfortunately but allowing repeated truancy is a step beyond the "normal" pathetic and irresponsible pandering/lack of discipline. It seems he's not even pretending to claim she's ill any more either ... what with that remark about needing a day off and allowing her to stay up past midnight (which in itself is ridiculous for an 11 year old school night or not, ill or not).

I do however hope this doesn't rebound badly on you - it shouldn't do, because you're acting out of genuine concern and a sense of responsibility, but I've a nasty feeling he'll take this out on you regardless of your good intentions. Let us know what happens.

Good luck! You may not need to tell DP you went to the school (unless DSD knows or her DM tell her?) The school should be able to put some formal pressure on your DP, which sounds like just what he needs.

Good luck, I really hope the school can put some pressure on your dp to stop pandering to your DSD. FWIW you sound like a fantastic step mum, and you are very lucky to have the relationship you have with her mum.

I understand your fears for your DSD, it's very sad that your DP have ambitions for your DSD to do well for herself. I really hope, that for her sake, this is stopped.

Stay safe, I echo Catsmother's nasty feeling that he'll take this out on you regardless, because you have been seen to undermine him, despite your concern for her and her future.

I've just got back from the school. They are really unhappy about the whole situation. They have agreed to call her mum should DP ring them and they said that unless they get a genuine sick call from her mum if they get another call from dp then they will inform the mum and possibly inform the appropriate authorities.
Its been a really tough morning. dp is coming home in ten mins and thinks that dsd is still here. I'm a little scared of how he's going to react and still thinking of going out just to avoid conflict but i'm not sure.
I know we have done the right thing by telling the school but its still really tough.
dsd went crazy when we took her to school but she will get over it i'm sure, and she knows we went to see the head, that way we figure she will realise how serious this all is.
I'm actually shaking i'm so nervous about dps reaction :-(

Have only read the op.

He is MAD.

Am thinking of you. It's all so wrong that you're sat there shaking because you're scared of his reaction - though I often feel as if I'm taking my life in my hands simply by trying to have a tactful conversation about the skids if there's even the slightest negative connotation attached. Obviously, can appreciate this must be much worse - involving the school is bringing the issue out into the open and he will NOT be able to be so blase about it in the future - which is a good thing for SD in the long run, even if she's furious now - but, chances are he's going to be angry because he's been shown up as a crap parent.

Really really hope he doesn't take it out on you. You were in an impossible position but did the right thing both for yourself (so you stopped being taken advantage of so often) and for SD. Just you tell him that .... that this is what's best for his child above all else. If he truly believes he's entitled to give his child a day off whenever she wants then not only is he a grade A knob but is also likely to find himself prosecuted in the long term.

I have now read the thread

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN

DO NOT

DO NOT

Just feeling crap. I told him i had to go to work but sat in a car park as i don't have to start for half an hour. just needed to get out. he sat there telling me I'm not and never will be a mum so I know nothing. I'm cruel apparently for involving the school cos it will go on record and affect her negatively. I tried to explain that so will missing school.

just feeling really shit, he isnt an awful person but he thinks he's perfect and at the moment he's so far from it its unreal.
I just want what's best for dsd. I wish we weren't having such a crap time of it at the moment but I can't see what else i can do but hide and ignore it all and let him do whatever he wants but i'm tired of letting him walk all.over me.
hopefully given time he will realise that i did it for the right reasons and he might even agree eventually .. she says with serious doubt

You're a MUCH better parent and human being than he is.

Just so as you know.

He's a mad baby.

Please don't have children with him.