I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?

[loopsylou]

Ok, so ExH and I broke up 5 years ago. We had lovely DD, who is 6. She's gorgeous and lovely, and my DH adores her, so all good there. But ExH married again 8 months ago. Lets call her Sarah.

I don't particularly like her, she's a bit too primp and proper for my liking and I always feel like she's sticking her nose up at me when we meet. Have tried to be civil and nice because I figured, we're not together anymore, so he can marry who he wants right? Fine, except this woman is unfortunately unable to have children, and I know she really wants some. So here is the problem. She adores DD as well. :(

DD goes to their house every weekend and spends the first 3 days of half term there. Last week DD comes home wearing a brand new pink top and miniskirt that she claims Sarah bought her. Apparently they went to the cinema and then shopping as dad felt they should have some bonding time :( I felt crap and managed a very forced smile, and "Oh that's lovely isn't it?"

But then when giving her a bath I noticed her toe nails were all nicely painted and beautiful. I asked when she'd had that done and she said "MummySarah took me to get them done at a posh spa building" That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH. :( :( :( ALSO, I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE! And even then i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11! I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter, I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight, I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me. Any advice?

Why does she go there every weekend? Not saying that ex shouldn't have contact but that just says to me that you are doing all the boring patenting school homework etc and by never having a weekdnd with her you won't ever be able to do "weekend " activities, except for the school hols, by that i mean things like a day shopping, taking her for a hair cut etc. by having this arrangement Sarah is going to have much more of an opportunity to do these things with yr dd.
Im not suggesting reducing contact but is there any way to rearrange contact so you may be alternate weekends and have midweek contact with ex instead.
Maybe you won't feel so bad if you get the opportunity to spend time with her like this rather than rush to school rush home nag to do homework etc.
I think it's nice Sarah wants a good relationship with her but I think she should experience it warts and all and not just the nice bits.

It's going to be hard to raise it with ex without sounding bitter but I'd you think the spa thing was inappropriate you need to find a way of raising it with him.
For what it's worth my dd is 12 and although she's been painting her toenails for a few years I would not be happy with her going to a spa for a pedicure.

I agree idontdoironing. The funtime and boringtime should be split more fairly really. But maybe OP works at the weekend and her ex works in the week.

Also, if DSD wasn't there every weekend, chances are that the SM would choose to have spa treatments on the weekends she wasn't.

I'd love to hear from the SM!

Every single weekend? do you work weekends or, something?

My DD9 has a lovely step mum who has been in her life for the past 4 1/2 years, she treats her like her own and i have no issues with it at all, now. At first it was really hard to see the bond developing and accept that this woman was going to be a part of her life but she gave my DD the stability she needed whilst at their home, which was a good thing as ExP is a bit crap at parenting TBH. DD also gained a lovely older step sister who treats her as an older sibling would.

Be patient OP she's not trying to steal your child and make her her own, she wants to love her and treat her as she would her own, give her a chance and see how things go.

Have a word with your ExH and see where the Mummy Sarah has come from though if it was your DD who chose to call her this then there is not a lot you can really do, however if it was them who suggested it explain that it makes you uncomfortable and could the stop using it.

I rarely contribute to threads like this but I am overwhelmed by what I have read here and thought I would share my experience as my situation is probably very similar to 'mummy sarah'.

I do not have my own children (and am unlikely to ever have children). I have known my partner's children for 2 years and we have lived together for almost a year. I am deeply committed to him and therefore deeply committed to his children - the fact that I won't have my own children makes no difference to this and most of the time I see it as a bonus that DPs children are in my life.

However, my DP's ex hates her children being with me - she makes this very clear through her actions (and often uses the children as vehicles to communicate her feelings). For example on Thursday, when I asked the younger child if she would like me to come to her school play (I made the costume) I was told "I asked mummy if you could come but she said that you couldn't because only real parents are allowed"

OP (if you're still reading this) - the only person who's going to suffer long-term damage over your reaction to this is your daughter (I can be sure of that - my parents divorced and their childish behaviour screwed me and my sisters up for life). Please be the grown up here - you missed out on her first pedicure - big deal - on the grand scheme of your daughter's long term security it's' just not worth getting worked up about.

As many posters have said - be grateful that your daughter's SM is trying to do the right thing by your little girl. Encourage the relationship so that your daughter feels secure.

I do agree with Aitch.

I just don't think its as black and white as you have to let the stepmother do whatever she wants or risk her being mean to your DD.

As someone else said if it was an aunt - she'd check before doing pedicures etc surely as its not like going and buying a toy is it? A pedicure for a 6 year old is just a bit icky in my opinion and I am someone who has them herself but I know my DH wouldn't think it was at all appropriate either.

And I don't think all step-mothers do everything wrong but some do make the odd wrong decision just as some mothers do - well come on we all do don't we?

Regarding the football game.... I'm sure the father may be put out. But if he puts the child first he will realise that it is important for the child and e child enjoyed it therefore, he will hopefully put his own feelings to the side and be glad that their is another person who cares and looks after his child. But that wasn't what I asked. I asked as you felt the mothers permission was needed before the father to allowed to say to the step mum his child could have her nails painted. Then would the step father need to gain the real father permission to take to a football match or would the mother permission be enough?

oh i would totally expect a mother to ask her ex-DH if her new partner was about to take his kid to his first football match, absolutely. BOM's sayign that it's all v delicate with blended families, so one would expect delicate behaviour when stepping on other people's patches i think. can't have it all ways.

Mrs Campbell - the step mother is not doing whatever she wants the father presumably gave permission. There is a big difference. No has said she isn't to discuss with the father just that she can not dictate everything that happens when the child is with him any more than he can dictate what the mother does when the child is with her.
Also I do think that she should be grateful that Sarah is wanting to bond with the child and not fight against her for the fathers attention.

I can't believe that she or the father have encouraged her tall call her mummy Sarah. (I may be wrong of course). A child said to me she wanted to think of me as an other mummy and to be honest I am happy with what ever the child wants but I was very worried that the mother would totally freak out as is her history to anything and everything where I am concerned.

Maybe it would be respectful but you can't be phoning every 5 minutes to ask permission for every little thing. Sometimes you have to use your own judgement.
In my reality the mother would never ask father permission but would expect him to ask about everything. Taking them to the circus - must ask first etc

oh i see you do want it all ways. gotcha. delicate but not delicate. respectful but impractical so actually disrespectful. meh.

what was your answer to your step child when she said she thought of you as other mummy? i can see it would be a tricky line, because you wouldn't want to reject her, but did you say that really a kid only gets one mum and that she should think of you as something different?

To me, a "first pedicure" isn't a big deal. It is to OP. She hadn't communicated this. If this is indeed all about the pedicure (which IMHO it isn't) then the solution to the problem is to chalk this one up to experience and sit down with the ex and SM and communicate which things are important for her to do with her DD first.
If there are a handful of things that are important then hopefully the step mum would understand what was out of bounds and respect this. If she then ignored the requests then this would be a different thread entirely.

What I suspect (although I may be wrong, maybe there is a history in OP's family of a ceremonial first pedicure at 10/11 years old) is that the list of things would be a mile long and include everything "first" possible. This would be very unreasonable when the child is spending every weekend with her Dad and SM - who also have a right to enjoy some firsts with her given the time and effort they are investing in her, doubtlessly on top of a full working week.

The correct anser IMO is a hug and "It feels loely to know that you think of me like that, if you're comfortable with calling me that then I am too but you mustn't feel that you have to because you already have a Mum who loves you very much and I am just a bonus really"

I think when it comes to raising boys to be men or girls to be women the father or mother respectively should be consulted about important decisions and rites of passage.

It is not a step-parents role to bypass a living, involved parent.

And the two parents should make these decisions together, but with deference to the superior knowledge one tends to have about ones own gender.

I would never let a new husband of mine take my (hoped for) son to his first cricket match.

Not unless my son's father was dead.

All this bollocks about it being best for the child to have important moments with their parents usurped because they enjoyed it at the time is transparent self-justification.

If blended families are so sensitive, then as AitchTwo says, surely the requirement to be sensitive extends in all directions?

Taking a 6 year old to buy age inappropriate clothes, have a pedicure and do some adult-style gal pal bonding doesn't seem sensitive at all. Or to be done with the child's interests at heart.

Pushing relationships on children is not fair. This is a new step-mother. And I would have my suspicions about Mummy-Sarah being expected payback for clothes and treats and "we're best friends now" bonding.

This girl already has a mother. It isn't just the OP who will be hurt and confused if she has another one attempt to thrust herself upon her.

The child's parents need to have a chat about boundaries.

But first OP, you need to figure out what is just jealousy, and where your actual concerns lie with what happened.

lovely not loely

Absolutely - this isn't about whether what Sarah did was foolish or insensitive, it's about how OP deals with her emotions around this issue and moves on so as not to inflict an uncomfortable emotional hostage situation on her child.

"What I suspect (although I may be wrong, maybe there is a history in OP's family of a ceremonial first pedicure at 10/11 years old) is that the list of things would be a mile long and include everything "first" possible. This would be very unreasonable when the child is spending every weekend with her Dad and SM - who also have a right to enjoy some firsts with her given the time and effort they are investing in her, doubtlessly on top of a full working week."

god, you are snarky BOM. so what if the mother does want every first possible to be spent with her parents? (rather than her 'bonus'). it doesn't mean that she is about to take her child emotionally hostage. but thanks for supplying Laterooms with the correct answer...

Aitch - sorry if that wasn't clear - I meant that in separated families big things should be discussed by both parents and a mutual agreement made. For examples peircings, change of school. But little things such as plaiting hair, a hobby with dad etc don't need long discussions. If their is something a parent feels strongly about such as taking child to first football match then that should be brought to other parents knowledge before it happens. If it is something both parents a desperate to do then some compromise needs to be made. If one parents isn't bothered then it stands to reasons they would leave this for the other parent to do. It's about give and take for the sake of the child.

The mum can not have exclusivity to everything she needs to decide what is important and what is just jealousy.

What BOMsaid is pretty damn close to my response to the other mum conversation actually. It's important to me that the child knew that I had no expectations and that I wasn't rejecting her but that I do not need a title to know how much she cares for me and that I am happy she has so many people she loves in both homes. Can't remember exact words sorry but suffice to say I neither discouraged jeer fro. Being allowed her own thoughts nor encourage such thoughts

see i agree with you, it would be ludicrous to have to note down every possible future event and tick your name beside whichever 'first' you wanted, so as a general rule i'd say if something is particularly 'girly', leave that to the real mum, or 'boy' leave that to the real dad. if Sarah-Mummy had taken the OP's kid to the library there would be no case to answer (other than the fact that the child was not told in the strictest possible terms that she had a mummy and sarah would suffice).

I think it is emotional hostage actually... you can spend every weekend and half your school holidays with your dad but I and I alone will be experiencing all of your "firsts" with you.

Aside from the emotional staement made there.. what about the plain impracticalities of it?!

She's there every single weekend. All this would do is make the step mother resent the fact that all her weekends are full of childcare but she has no right to do anything with the child that the mother deams special or a first. I can imagine it now - "Darling, I was thinking that we could take DSD to see a film this afternoon, can you just check that loopsylou has already taken her to see one"
"no? oh, okay, what about iceskating?"
"no? oh, okay, am I allowed to take her to the supermarket with me?"

"yes, as long as you don't go for a cake in the coffee shop afterwards because her Mum wants to be the first one to take her to do that"

It's frankly bizarre and "Sarah" would before long be going out all weekend doing her own thing and thus the child would have no relationship with a woman whose home she stays in every weekend.

that's not what i said, actually. i said if she wants the firsts to be spent with the PARENTS.

So OP would have been fine with the pedicure if Dad had gone..? er, yes, okay.

What about if she had gone our for the day with an auntie or a godmother? Would you have been equally furious/jealous about the pedicure? Honestly, I think you wouldn't.

It's precisely because the father wouldn't have done this with his daughter that it is so unpleasant that his wife did.

Apart from 6 being far, far too young for female rites of passage like that, it is CLEARLY something a girl would expect (and mostly likely want, once she's old enough to want it) to do with HER OWN MOTHER.

Just as it would be weird for a stepfather to start taking an inappropriately young boy to the football before his Dad thought he was ready.

It takes something away from parent AND CHILD so the step parent can feel good about themselves.

It's not about the child at all.