I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?

[loopsylou]

Ok, so ExH and I broke up 5 years ago. We had lovely DD, who is 6. She's gorgeous and lovely, and my DH adores her, so all good there. But ExH married again 8 months ago. Lets call her Sarah.

I don't particularly like her, she's a bit too primp and proper for my liking and I always feel like she's sticking her nose up at me when we meet. Have tried to be civil and nice because I figured, we're not together anymore, so he can marry who he wants right? Fine, except this woman is unfortunately unable to have children, and I know she really wants some. So here is the problem. She adores DD as well. :(

DD goes to their house every weekend and spends the first 3 days of half term there. Last week DD comes home wearing a brand new pink top and miniskirt that she claims Sarah bought her. Apparently they went to the cinema and then shopping as dad felt they should have some bonding time :( I felt crap and managed a very forced smile, and "Oh that's lovely isn't it?"

But then when giving her a bath I noticed her toe nails were all nicely painted and beautiful. I asked when she'd had that done and she said "MummySarah took me to get them done at a posh spa building" That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH. :( :( :( ALSO, I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE! And even then i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11! I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter, I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight, I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me. Any advice?

It's not a weekend parent. Both parents are equally important and should be shown respect both ways. The child is unfortunate that they obey see one parent at the weekend but they are still a full parent

As Chelen pointed out last night, a step mother can rarely do anything right.

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Yes because there's nothing as funny or satisfying about upsetting a group of women on an internet forum who are trying their best to help raise other women's children is there Aitch.

it would totally depend on their relationship, but no, i think it's fair to say that most residence parents (mothers for the most part) wouldn't ask the nrp (fathers for the most part) before cutting their kids' hair. i guess the model would have been laid down while they were still together. i wouldn't expect DH to take DD for a farking pedicure if he was out and about with her... even if he was at the hairdressers himself (which he has been and she came back with a comic).

i'm not trying to upset anyone, BOM. unlike you, who is quite content to trample all over the OP's feelings and predict absolute bloody disaster if she doesn't behave the way you tell her to.

If you don't expect the mother to ask the fathers permission you can't expect the father to ask mother permission - jeez talk about double standards

that's a very simplistic, perhaps even silly rendering of how gender roles tend to work and ignores what i said abotu the model having been established during the relationship.

BOM is not trampling OP feeling- she recognizes it is difficult situation but part of being a parent is putting the child before your own jealousy and doing what's best for the child even when it's the hardest thing to do. That's because doing what is best for the child is the right thing to do.

She is welcome to have a conversation calmly with the father, she can discuss her concerns. He can discuss his. The child should not be involved in being aware of what upsets a parent by the other parent. Do you want a child who doesn't tell you for fear of you being upset, angry with her or her other parent

Aitch - with respect you are still married to the father of your children as were we all before we seperated. You have no idea of the nuances of a blended family or just how pointless it is to expect your ex partner and his new partner to take on your exact specifications for how to parent your child.

Once you have seperated all bets are off. The sooner RPs get their heads around that the better. With a caveat that of course it is ideal if there is an open communication between all parties where important issues can be discussed and a course of action agreed.

Loopsylou was planning to take her daughter to get her first pedicure/ spa treatment at 10 years old. I think this means we can safely say that she doesn't have the same opinions as many on here about the objectification and sexualisation of children.

There are thousands of families out there operating with step parents and blended families. You have no idea how your family would change if your husband left you and you found yourself in a step parent situation or a lone parent situation.

Yes you may think it won't happen to you, but we were all happily married - until the day that we weren't.

Normal relationship it would be discussed - that's what happens in normal families. One person doesn't decide everything in normal families.

"Still, I'm sure it would be a great comfort to a mother, whilst sat with an insecure self loathing 18 year old daughter, to be able to say - well, at least I didn't allow another woman to take her to get her first pedicure."

oh yeah sure, no trampling at all...

Thanks latemates - I'm just thinking of the kid in the middle of all this. Because of my own situation I have done an awful lot of reading recently in to the affect of these situations on chilren/ teens and adult teens and the prognosis is never good I'm afraid.
Maybe I'm projecting a bit but with good cause I feel and at least I have actual experience of both sides of the coin.

Aitch - I'm not a step-parent but I really don't like your use of the term 'weekend parent'. A parent is a parent is a parent. This family set up is very hard for all concerned and denigrating one parent's role won't make it any easier. It should be possible to parent together even when apart.

i was always taught that 'with respect' means 'with absolutely no respect whatsoever'.

first advice i gave on the thread was for the OP to try to befriend Mummy-Sarah if possible, as it happens. but if blended families are so delicate then i'd say all the more that there is no way that a step-mum should take a child to the bloody beauty parlour without checking with the real mum first.

btw by 10 i might let my dds do manicure-type stuff, so again i think you are perhaps ascribing the OP views that she may not hold.

BOM - I agree I really wish people would just remember about the poor child and not use the child as leverage and ammo in their games. All you can do is ensure your own behaviour is whiter than white and you put child needs first regardless of any games the other parent plays

northern it's not a term, i just meant the parent who sees the kid at the weekend. it was when i read it that i knew that the step mums would go wild, because, well, because they always do... but no denigration meant from this side at all, just a practical description because i briefly forgot that the term is NRP.

Why does Sarah have to check with real mum if she has had approval from the real dad.

Does a step dad have to ask the real dad to play football with his step son if the real mum says it's ok?

football for boys, pedicures for girls... jeez.

Interesting - and what would you change weekend parent to if the other parent sees children more than just weekends - say 2 nights a week, every other weekend and half the holidays. Maybe half a parent. Lovely

although your post raises a good point. a real dad might very well hit the roof if a step dad took his son to his first football match, especially if it was for the wrong team. (which is more akin to what took place here)

Ok then Aitch - sorry misread you and thought you were trying to be provoking.

I think BOM has made extremely valid points on this thread.

Yes the pedicure thing upset loopsy but it's been proven from here that this in an subjective issue. Some people wouldlet a 6yo, some wouldn't. It's not the main issue.

The main issue is she hates, or at least feels very negative thoughts towards her DD's SM because she feels she's taken over some of her motherly role.

What if the SM had taken the DD ice-skating, or a new soft play for the first time. I would reckon it would change the tone of many of the replies here.

Let's concentrate on the real issue and help the OP with real and helpful advice so the the future happiness of her DD and her isn't affected.

Or football for the girls it irrelevant really I was just giving an example of the opposite way round but clearly you can't answer that because that doesn't fit into the mother is the more important parent ridiculous idea that you have

"if they had a good working relationship then yes i would expect the parent who has residency to be asked before the weekend parent changes the child's hair. if they have a toxic relationship then possibly not, because what better way to wind someone up?"

wot i wrote. clearly someone who didn't use RP and NRP and was trying to describe the situation here, but do make sure to take offence where it has been clarified TWICE that none was intended. with respect etc.