I hate this OTHER WOMAN stealing MY baby?

[loopsylou]

Ok, so ExH and I broke up 5 years ago. We had lovely DD, who is 6. She's gorgeous and lovely, and my DH adores her, so all good there. But ExH married again 8 months ago. Lets call her Sarah.

I don't particularly like her, she's a bit too primp and proper for my liking and I always feel like she's sticking her nose up at me when we meet. Have tried to be civil and nice because I figured, we're not together anymore, so he can marry who he wants right? Fine, except this woman is unfortunately unable to have children, and I know she really wants some. So here is the problem. She adores DD as well. :(

DD goes to their house every weekend and spends the first 3 days of half term there. Last week DD comes home wearing a brand new pink top and miniskirt that she claims Sarah bought her. Apparently they went to the cinema and then shopping as dad felt they should have some bonding time :( I felt crap and managed a very forced smile, and "Oh that's lovely isn't it?"

But then when giving her a bath I noticed her toe nails were all nicely painted and beautiful. I asked when she'd had that done and she said "MummySarah took me to get them done at a posh spa building" That just about stabbed me in the heart. MUMMY-SARAH. :( :( :( ALSO, I WANTED TO TAKE HER FOR HER FIRST PEDICURE! And even then i was going to wait untill she was older, maybe 10 or 11! I feel like this woman is stealing my daughter, I don't particularly want her to go to their house tonight, I keep fretting that she will take more of these moments from me. Any advice?

A lot of people would be pretty pissed off with an auntie or godmother who did something like this with a 6 year old child without discussion.

It reminds me of the time in friends when Rachel's sister pierces Emma's ears.

Well that is permanent! Nail varnish is not! I agree you might be a bit but you probably not react in quite the way the OP has. It is not about the pedicure - it would have been the same reaction if she'd taken her to a cupcake decorating session, or to see a very girly film together - it's that she feels insecure and usurped, in a way that she would not if it had been an auntie or a granny.

A thing - LOL - did you perchance write a nice article in the DM this week? Painted nails are removeable, piercings are not. Get some perspective.

This must be so hard. I would HATE to have to share my children with someone but I echo so much of what the others have said - love in children multiplies not divides and if this woman is going to try and be kind to your child that is fine. If you really feel this is an innappropriate age for this to start approach your ex but DO NOT let on about your feelings to your daughter. It really doesnt matter what you do, making her uncomfortable about the relationship is cruelty at its best and I hope that your obvious love for is strong enough for you to allow her to develop her own feelings without forcing your pain on her.

I don't get all this 'icky' bollocks about a child having a pedicure?

DD is 6, she had a pedicure on hols. I was having one and she asked if she could too. She enjoyed it (much giggling when her feet were massaged). It's a bit of nail varnish, not a bikini wax FGS!

The 'firsts' thing is crap too. What on earth is special about a first pedicure? Special Firsts should be things like Birthdays, Christmas, First Bike. 'First slapping a bit of colour on your toenails' is hardly a biggie!

OP - if any of this is true - you've got to let these feelings go. If you carry on you risk hurting everyone, including your daughter. We took DSD on her 'first' foreign holiday when she was 11. She had a fabulous time, really enjoyed herself, made loads of friends and went home raving about it. Mum got jealous . About a month later we got ranty texts about how we were never taking her on hols again. Really nasty stuff (including how wrong it was to take her to an AI hotel when mum wouldn't dream of doing that). The next year we booked our hols and didn't take DSD....and we told her why. Then the whole time we were away we got ranty texts (from mum) about how cruel we were going without DSD !?

Following year? We can't afford to take DSD unless mum can contribute (adult prices now). Mum won't, so DSD hasn't been since and we get ranty texts at Xmas saying we should spend less money on our holidays and more on DSD Xmas presents. Who is the one hurting? DSD

I first met my step daughter when she was six. Like your dd she was (and still is) a gorgeous, happy and affectionate girl. I was childless at the time and didn't really know how to be a parent let alone a step parent!

In the early days, she used to talk about me a lot to her mum and I used to worry about how her mum would feel about that. I wanted my step daughter to like me but not so much that it would upset her mum.

Eleven years on, we have had a lot of good times together and a few arguments. But at no time has she ever thought of me as her mum and I have never wanted her to do so. She already has a brilliant mum, she doesn't need or want another one.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that it is impossible for another woman to take your place.

I think what Fullbeam says is a brilliant point. NOONE will ever be you. No matter how hard she trys she will never be your daughters mum, and you will always be the most important woman in her life, but she can be a great influence and a brilliant support if you let her!

Of course piercings are removable.

You know you can just take them out and the holes close up, right?

Well yes, but it's a MAJOR invasive thing, nothing like painting toenails FFS!

Um no a piercing never fully heals up. It leaves a small scar. Not to mention the complication of scaring, infection, the pain of a piercing, making sure the piercer is qualified and gets the earrings balanced, the piercers hygiene.

Far more to go wrong than a bit of nail varnish

"The next year we booked our hols and didn't take DSD....and we told her why."

Wow, so not exactly "whiter than white" are you?

Mother was unreasonable, you were worse.

"No matter how hard she trys she will never be your daughters mum"

Perhaps not, but there is a lot of damage that could be done to a small girl if another women is trying to compete with her mother.

This women might be a great influence (when she stops with the age inappropriate gal-pal bonding trips) but she might be a terrible influence, particularly if she doesn't learn some boundaries.

Um, I wasn't actually comparing piercing and nail painting, just mentioning a comedy example of a mother being pissed off at a "kindly" but toxic auntie taking it upon herself to beautify a child.

But in terms of how tacky it looks on a child - earrings, painted nails. Same same to me.

What is worse then in your opinion.
Beig honest and hopefully diplomatic and saying sorry but we'd love to take you with us but your mum doesn't want youth come with us this year.

Or

Lyingg and breaking Childs heart by saying sorry you can't come with us as we don't want you?

Or

Say nothing and let child wonder what she/he did wrong

A colleague of mine has a daughter who wanted her ears pierced he was dead against it for many reasons.

However his ex - knowing this didit anyway - he was so upset that she went behind his back. and he's the one who had to look after her when her ears got infected to. Mum couldn't dealwithher crying to have them cleaned.

He took her for a hair cut once and all hell broke loose that he dared trim her hair without consulting with her.

Some people just have double standards I guess.

Also, LtEve not sure about your DH going on holiday without one of his children because it was adult prices and her mother couldn't/wouldn't contribute. Why should she? It's not her holiday. If she booked a holiday would you expect to contribute to it?

It's your holiday and if you cannot afford to take all your children, then don't go. We didn't start telling our eldest they'd have to go and stay with Grandma once they couldn't get a child place and we were only taking the youngest, so why should you and your DH? Is the justification that she is 'only' a step-child/weekend child and your actual 'main' family is just you and DH and your children together, assuming you have any? That's a typical 'bad' stereotype of the problems created by blended families and step-parenting issues - picking and choosing when a child is a full member of your family and when she isn't.

Yes, some people do have double standards.

God I missed the thing about the Mum having to pay the adult prices for the child's holiday with her father.

Of course the DSD is hurting :(

Poor thing. How horrible.

What does it say about MN and society in general that the biggest issue here is the rights or wrongs of someone other than her mum painting a 6 year old girls toenails?

The OP clearly indicates that she is sad because someone else adores her DD. Am I in the minority by considering that to be a far more significant issue in this little girls life?

I've read this thread with a feeling of bewilderment - am I really so out of touch and my priorities so different from the majority?

I completely agree with you NADM!

No your not disneymum I posted something very similar upthread but was ignored!

I agree too. Its buggar all to do with nail painting. Im pretty sure the SM didnt book a spa day for them both, I bet it was a case of her having to get hers done and them offering to do them. For most mums I bet that wouldnt be a problem.

The OP has to address her feelings towards her ex DP's new wife. I had a friend who just couldnt cope when her ex moved on and remarried even though she couldnt stand him and had a meltdown at the sons birthday party at the fathers mansion house because his new wife was there. She actually thought this was inappropriate. In the end the couple split up because of my friends behaviour and the kids have met countless numbers of dad's "friends" since then. Please OP try and nip it in the bud now because they are in it for the longhaul.

Someone mentioned earlier that you had a nine year old? how does that work out with her dad and his partner or, has he not got one yet?

Although also posting on the non significant issues I agree with you notadisneymum - the saddest thing is that the mums feelings towards the step mum and I do believe the pedicure is just one of many things that have or will upset her if she doesn't get to grips with her feelings about the child having 2 homes and 2 families that by all accounts care about the child

I have also found the thread quite bewildering in parts but I must confess to quite enjoying it too, it's a touch Brasseye

Agreed disney mum and I think most of us have echoed you in one way or another.

We told DSD the truth, that her mum did not want us to take her with us. And we told her how sad we were about it.

We have a set price that we can pay for holidays. We can afford to go on these holidays because we get a free child place for DD. When we add DSD (who is now 16) into the mix we can no longer afford the holiday.

DSD mum 'does not approve' of AI family holidays. Apparently they are full of 'chavs and scumbags' and she does not want DSD to go. But when we don't take her we are being cruel.

We DO contribute to DSD's 'family' holiday that she takes with her mum. Always have, because mum (as a single mum) has always had to pay full price for her. When we asked her to do the same, she wouldn't (because she 'didn't approve' of our choice). She chooses city type breaks in places like rome. DSD is sad because she would rather be on the beach.

She cannot come with us this year because of Exams, but has already said she wants to come next year (and the year after on our 'lifetime' hol) because "Mum won't have a say in it"

Poor DSD indeed, but not my doing. I love DSD.

Funny how easy it is to assume the worst huh. Some people on here I used to think better of.

It's such a shame that she is missing out. It's very bitter.