DH angry as I refuse to have SS on my day off next week.

[myflabberisgasted]

Hi all,

I am a serial lurker and have done the occasional post but now I am looking for some advice please?

I work part time and my days off are wednesday and Friday. I have arranged to go out on wednesday with my other fried and her DS and my DS to take them swimming. This has been arranged for a couple of weeks now.

DSS's mum text my DH earlier and asked if he would be able to have DSS on Wednesday as the school is striking.

He immediately asked me if I would have him and ordinarily I would but I have made these plans and am really looking forward to it.
So I said I'm sorry I couldn't this time, he immediately went funny on me and a bit snappy when I asked him any other questions so I could tell he was in a mood with me!!

I had my DSS every wed and fri throughout the 6 weeks summer holiday so it's not like I don't offer or have him! His mum only had him for 2 days throughout the whole6 weeks so I innocenty asked why she couldn't have the day off with him next week but DH just left the house (he had an appointment to go to) and slammed the door and said "don't worry I'll sort it!!"

Was I wrong to refuse to have DSS this once?!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I'll try and respond to any replies as and when I can, DH does not know I am on MN.

Thank you

I've read all the posts on this thread with much interest. Severeal things strike me. For one, why are people unwilling to accept the OP's assertion that the swimming pool rules do not allow two non-swimming children to be accompanied by only one adult? The OP has stated this several times, yet people are still telling her to bring them both swimming .

Also the fact that several posters think the OP should leave an 8 year old in a cafe on his own while she goes swimming . I can imagine the thread the child's mother would post if this was to happen........"Ex-H agreed that SM would look after DS for me as I was unable to get time off work during the strike. I then found out that she'd actually left him on his own while she went swimming with her own DS...etc etc etc". I can imagine the MN responses now - evil selfish SM leaving the poor DS on his own etc etc.

OP, I am completely with you on this. Your DH and his ex are taking you for a mug. You sound like a lovely SM and really do your best to give a lot of time to your DS, including covering for his parents during all your days off in the summer, whilst his mother and father did not.

You do not need to 'treat your DS as your own'. For one, he's not, he as a very able mother and father. I can actually see him growing up and wondering why he was left with you so much and why his mother or father didn't make more of an effort. And on another point which has already been raised, you simply cannot treat a child as your own on some matters, whilst on most matters you are simply not a parent. I very much doubt those posters asking you to treat him as your own would be happy with a SM making parenting choices for their DCs such as for example what school they go to, their health, attending parents evenings etc. All things you would do for your 'own' child.

For example, when I've been out and come back into the house, I sweep my 'own' DS off his feet, swing him round with a big hug and kiss him. Should I do this to my DSSs so I'm treating them 'as my own' . I imagine they'd be horrified at the thought.

And for those of you who think parents should only take on partners who think of their DSCs as their own - sorry but you have no idea. Yes there are some very saintlike people who do so, and hats off to them. But in reality, most of us just muddle along the best we can and treat the children fairly and with respect. If divorced parents were only to accept perfection in a new partner, then very few would form relationships after divorce. And in reality the children will usually benefit from their parents being in a loving relationship where the children are well cared for.

I thought she should have taken him for the day, but I now have to admit that I was basing this on her husband being short of leave. Now I have heard that he has a whole load of days that he will lose if he doesn't take by Christmas, then I think it is a really good chance for him to do his bit. Am normally for mucking in when needs must, but I was wrong about it being a "needs must" occasion.

I think the DH and his ex are treating the OP like grandparents often get treated when they do a lot of the 'caring' for children. It is often the case that grandparents who are willing to help out a lot end up getting really taken for granted by the childrens' parents. I have friends and siblings who do exactly this - they simply don't consider it their own responsibility to find a solution when their child is sick/on school holiday or whatever, because the automatic default it "well their GP will do it as usual, no need to even ask".

Interestingly, when this is raised on MN, the retort is often that the grandparents should either refuse to be taken for granted, or stop complaining.

Yet when a SM, who is very willing to do a hell of a lot of the 'caring' for her DSS, does exactly this, she is vilified. Making a stand does not make her any less of a loving SM than it would a loving grandparent. Truth is though, no-one likes to be taken for granted.

I'm a step mum and don't cancel your swimming. Sorry but has anyone thought the OP's little boy??? Does he not deserve time with his mummy ESP as she works. I wouldn't feel comfortable taking an 18month old and a 8 year ok swimming, even if it were allowed.

Jax - As always on these threads everyone is pandering to the step child who has two families, while no-one even gives the child with only one family any thought at all.

With so many families separating nowadays, I often wonder why the old fashioned attitude of "poor little child" from a broken home still exists?!

Wow I'm surprised how many different views this thread has had and how many replies I have had. Obviously step parenting can be a touchy subject!

And it is very difficult sometimes to be a step parent but I do try my best and treat the boys the same, although sometimes that can be difficult especially with discipline as I feel I cant fully discipline my DSS the same as I would my own DS.

Again, thanks for all the replies and the support

I had an 18month old and and 8yr old and it was far easier to take them both. I have never known the one DC per adult rule apply to the over 8yrs olds-all the notices I have seen have 8yrs as the cut off point. An 8yr old can just be sent off to get changed by themselves and then they amuse the younger one. I never knew a time when mine would rather just be with mother in a pool-it is far more fun with other DCs-especially a sibling.

exoticfruits are you accusing the OP of lying, are you just not reading her posts or are you suggesting she breaks the rules regardless? I can't work out which

No-just surprised that the rule extends beyond 8yr old. Generally they can go in without a parent by then. He is also old enough to leave watching on the poolside if he really can't go in.

Exoticfruit - this thread isn't about the right/wrong way to conduct a children's swimming session; it's about the principle of the bio parents abdicating responsibility for child-care, but being critical of the step mother when she can't step into the breach.

Exotic, OP has already stated (a couple of times) that the pool is:

1. A private pool - they have their own rules and regs, ours also does not let non swimmers in unless accompanied one to one.
2. Not suitable for leaving a child unaccompanied.

I'm surprised you haven't noted this.

Exotic maybe it would be better if you started another thread. Only, I've noticed that you seem to prefer not to read all of the OP's responses. You clearly have a lot you want to share though, so maybe that would be better way of going about it.

I agree with a few of the posters on here.....DSS is NOT your responsibility and you are NOT being selfish in refusing to have him this time. Put this one to bed chick, enjoy swimming with the little un xx

I would assume that 8 yr olds can swim-it is an essential life skill and could save their life.Mine had choice about anything but swimming-they had swimming lessons and went from babies. A parent ought to ensure this.
I would quite happily leave an 8 yr old alone in a cafe in a private swimming pool-they could get me easily.

I have a 3yo and there is absolutely no way I would be responsible for him at the same time as another non-swimming child in a pool at the same time. Regardless of any rules. It's just not safe.

Neither would I leave an 8yo unaccompanied in a cafe. Neither would I leave him at the poolside unaccompanied. My attention would be solely on my non-swimming child in the pool as his parent. I would not notice what the 8yo was doing, if he was indeed visible from the pool, and even if I did, what could I possibly do whilst in the pool in any case. It would be highly irresponsible to agree to take care of a child and then leave said child unaccompanied.

exoticfruits but why would you assume this when the OP has clearly stated that the child in question CANNOT swim. Are you just unable to read, or unable to understand that there are sometimes circumstances which fall outside your realm of experience to date?

And as for "I would quite happily leave an 8 yr old alone in a cafe in a private swimming pool-they could get me easily" WTF. So an abductor would clearly stop and wait until the 8yo child went from the cafe to the poolside to alert you to said abductor .

Just put me down as unable to read-a lot simpler!

Well you just read my post so I'm guessing that actually spartafc is right and you have some sort of agenda you'd be better off starting your own thread about

My agenda is that the poor DSS has already lost his father and his sibling gets his father full time- and instead of being a full and active member of the family he is part time and a visitor and his step mother thinks she has a family of 3 and not a family of 4 and he isn't equal. I understand that others don't feel the same.
However my DH always says our 3 DSs and doesn't make any difference between them-I wouldn't have married him otherwise.
I realise this is not popular and so will leave you to it and bow out.

I have a sdd..she is now 23 but was 11 when I met her dad, she lived with her mum. I get on v v v well with her mum :) I would never ever treat her the way some of you have advocated on this thread...She is my husbands daughter ! When I got into a relationship with him, I knew she was there too. She deserves just the same amount of respect and love our own kids get. And yes she has been difficult over the years but no more than a kid of our own will be !
And of course I would cancel a poxy swimming trip to look after her ! Strike isn't her fault or her mums..have some compassion !