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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DH angry as I refuse to have SS on my day off next week.

264 replies

myflabberisgasted · 23/11/2011 16:09

Hi all,

I am a serial lurker and have done the occasional post but now I am looking for some advice please?

I work part time and my days off are wednesday and Friday. I have arranged to go out on wednesday with my other fried and her DS and my DS to take them swimming. This has been arranged for a couple of weeks now.

DSS's mum text my DH earlier and asked if he would be able to have DSS on Wednesday as the school is striking.

He immediately asked me if I would have him and ordinarily I would but I have made these plans and am really looking forward to it.
So I said I'm sorry I couldn't this time, he immediately went funny on me and a bit snappy when I asked him any other questions so I could tell he was in a mood with me!!

I had my DSS every wed and fri throughout the 6 weeks summer holiday so it's not like I don't offer or have him! His mum only had him for 2 days throughout the whole6 weeks so I innocenty asked why she couldn't have the day off with him next week but DH just left the house (he had an appointment to go to) and slammed the door and said "don't worry I'll sort it!!"

Was I wrong to refuse to have DSS this once?!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I'll try and respond to any replies as and when I can, DH does not know I am on MN.

Thank you

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 25/11/2011 21:44

Yep, they are. Op has already said that her Dh has loads of holidays left and that the MOther had no time off over the 6 weeks summer holidays.

Jeez.

If MN can go ballistic over someone expecting a Grandparent to provide childcare and feel entitled (MN word du jour), why does the same not apply for stepparents???

allnewtaketwo · 25/11/2011 21:45

topknob have you actually read the thread at all [h mm]

If I never took a day off then I would also always be working. Yet when my DS is ill or when he can't go to nursery for whatever reason, I simply request a day off. It's not rocket science. As a working parent, I acknowledge that I need to take time off from time to time to care for MY OWN CHILD. Acutally it's not about need at all - I want to. I can't imagine wanting to fob him off to a step-parent instead of simply taking a day off. (and if you'd read the thread you'd understand that both parents have plenty of holiday days stored up to spend as they wish)

allnewtaketwo · 25/11/2011 21:48

My DS will soon start school. I have no GPs on hand to do childcare and have no step-parents to take advantage of take care of DS. So I'm trying to plan unpaid leave to ensure I can spend as much time as possible with DS. That's life as a working parent.

topknob · 25/11/2011 21:51

Yes I have read thread {hmm, back to you} and notice has to be given for holiday with an employer does it not? I have only just today found out my kids primary is not striking but had it been the other way round and I worked (I am SAHM) what employer would honour that much notice?

allnewtaketwo · 25/11/2011 21:53

Yes of course notice has to be given of holiday. Yet somehow, even as the parent of a child who is not at school, I have managed to read and hear of, weeks and weeks ago, the strike planned for 30th November. If, as a parent, I had a child at school, I would have planned for this a VERY LONG TIME AGO. Not just suddenly thought "Oh well, so the school is closed, well that's fine the doormat SM will have him, no worries"

StealthPolarBear · 25/11/2011 22:01

I am amazed at the number of people saying they would not leave an 8yo alone for (an hour presumably?) in a pool cafe! Surely this is overreaction. Is this not abpout the time they get left alone at home while you pop out to post a letter, let them wander round a shop while you visit the one next door? I don't have an 8yo so I wouldn't know but am surprised.

StealthPolarBear · 25/11/2011 22:03

actually not surprised at people saying they wouldn't but amazed that it is seen as such an obvious no no.

TheSecondComing · 25/11/2011 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

topknob · 25/11/2011 22:06

Allnew....you book a days holiday for something that may not affect you? Then the employer has to agree to it which they may NOT ! Being a Step parent IMO means at times your plans will HAVE to change, at times you will need to put the step child first even if it interfers with swimming (that sounds so petty tbh).

Appuskidu · 25/11/2011 22:07

I am amazed at the number of people saying they would not leave an 8yo alone for (an hour presumably?) in a pool cafe! Surely this is overreaction. Is this not abpout the time they get left alone at home while you pop out to post a letter, let them wander round a shop while you visit the one next door? I don't have an 8yo so I wouldn't know but am surprised.

Do you have an 8 year old?

allnewtaketwo · 25/11/2011 22:07

Stealth - I personally don't know of anyone who allows an 8yo do the things you mention. I don't have an 8yo. But I can well imagine the uproar if something happened to the unaccompanied 8yo who had been left in a SP's care.

topknob · 25/11/2011 22:09

I wouldn't leave an 8 yr old alone at all.

allnewtaketwo · 25/11/2011 22:10

topknob - actually yes, I would. Then if it did not affect DS, then I could simply cancel the day off. Not sure what is so earth-shatteringly shocking about this concept.

And speaking as a SP - no, my plans absolutely do not have to change because my DH or his ex simply can't be bothered doing some parenting. Unable to - that's different entirely. But this thread (if you've read it, which you claim to have) is not about parents who are unable to take time off.

topknob · 25/11/2011 22:11

You must have had very reasonable employers in the past then !

allnewtaketwo · 25/11/2011 22:15

Are you talking to me? I've actually had a wide range of employers. And all of them have actually been pleased if I've cancelled a planned day off. It means I'm able to work instead of being on holiday, what's not to like? And like I've said, this potential day of strike has been publicised way in advance. AND the parents in question did not have a single day off during the summer holidays. AND the employers in question require the employees to utilise days off in the holiday year.

allnewtaketwo · 25/11/2011 22:27

And as an employer, I'd actually be really curious about an employee, as parent of an 8yo child, who didn't take any time off to look after said child in the summer holidays. If it's a case that the employer doesn't let the parent take ANY time off when the parent needs to take care of the child, then I really think that the parent should rethink their position. And really - not being able to take time off in the summer holidays, not on an ad-hoc day in November. It's really not a position conducive to having a primary-aged child, by any means. Particularly if both parents are in exactly in the same situation (very, very hard to believe, imo).

StealthPolarBear · 25/11/2011 23:59

OK fair enough. I'm just surprised I suppose. topknob, do you literally mean your 8yo is in your sight at all times when in your care Confused
I read so many threads where people say they walked to school when they were 4, or send their DCs into town alone in secondary school, i suppose I just thought it would be a gradual thing. But somewhere between 8 and 11 they must get a lot more trusted.

mummytime · 26/11/2011 07:13

Stealth I might leave my 8 year old to go to the post box, but it is barely further away than the end of my garden (actually I am more likely to ask her to go there). So would mean us being apart for less than 5 minutes, maximum. I also often say good bye to her further up the road, so she walks to school for a few minutes, her elder siblings walked to school alone (10 minutes, no roads to cross) by her age, but she is not happy to do this, so she doesn't yet. But this is along a road, where a) I used to live so know a lot of the residents b) at that time of day there are waves of school children she knows going to school.
At my local public pool, there is nothing to stop a child in the cafe just walking out into the car park/road, and is also where park and ride buses go from. At one private health club, you can't even see the pool from the cafe. Another one is in a big posh hotel, so I doubt there is any close by cafe, just a hotel restaurant. In all these place I cannot imagine they would be happy to a child being dumped there with a colouring book, for free child care. (The public swimming pool might ignore a child left for 10 minutes at lesson change over time, but I wouldn't count on it.)
My 13 year old does go to secondary school by herself (with friends) and into town (with friends), however if she has to stay late, then I give her a lift (partly to avoid two small areas of woodland, one of which is where a girl was attacked recently). However the difference between 8 and 11 is huge, and if I asked someone to look after my 8 year old I would be shocked if they left them alone in a cafe.

teenswhodhavethem · 26/11/2011 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LydiaWickham · 26/11/2011 09:06

The thing is with this one, where I can see a lot of resident parents with a DP who lives in the house with their DC saying they treat them as their own so the OP should, I got the impression from the OP that her DP is the non-resident parent, it does make a different IME to the step parent relationship if you are the step parent who is visited rather than the one that lives in the family home.

If the DCs visit rather than live in the OP's home, then they aren't going to be as close or as automatically involved in the decision making processes about that child. You can't 'treat them as your own' if you get no say in how they are raised and what happens when.

And no, you can't just leave an 8 year old for an hour in a cafe on their own. If I was the mother and found out the step mum had done that I'd go balistic at the ex.

Petal02 · 26/11/2011 11:07

"You can't treat them as your own when you get no say in how they're brought up, or what happens where or when" - bravo Lydia, superb observation. I think most of us can identify with that.

brdgrl · 26/11/2011 11:49

i can't believe there are this many posts, and i can't believe what i am reading....

you would not be allowed to take both kids to the pool where i go, they have strict rules about ratios after a recent near-drowning there! and i agree - with your kids such different ages, it would be impractical and unsafe. you can't leave him in the cafe, either.

but that is so not the point! you don't WANT to take an 8 year old and change the nice day you planned with your friends, and that is absolutely ok. you have said that it is not an emergency, so other arrangements could be made, allowing you to keep your own commitments. enough said!

i hope you are feeling good about your decision.

seeker · 26/11/2011 13:40

Oh of course it's not dangerous to leave an 8 year old "unsupervised" in a swimming pool cafe for an hour! What on earth is going to happen to him apart from crips overdose?

madam52 · 26/11/2011 14:03

And do you know ? ... they wonder where the resentment comes from in so many stepfamiies Hmm.

fuzzywuzzy · 26/11/2011 14:17

Dunno about the OP's dss but I know for a fact my nephew aged 9 would not sit quietly with magazines for an hour while I disappeared for a swim, he'd cause merry chaos, as would my unsupervised 7 year old dd.

Thinking about it, I don't think I've ever come across an establishment which would allow one to leave an unsupervised child for an hour or so. An eight year old is a child, regardless if you leave them unsupervised in a room in your house while youre in another part of the house, that's not the same thing.

Under these circumstances, the parent who's scheduled time it is with DSS should sort out child care arrangements for the strike day.

OP sounds really nice to me, if both biological parents wanted to avoid this they should include OP on decisions that affect her & her son.