DH angry as I refuse to have SS on my day off next week.

[myflabberisgasted]

Hi all,

I am a serial lurker and have done the occasional post but now I am looking for some advice please?

I work part time and my days off are wednesday and Friday. I have arranged to go out on wednesday with my other fried and her DS and my DS to take them swimming. This has been arranged for a couple of weeks now.

DSS's mum text my DH earlier and asked if he would be able to have DSS on Wednesday as the school is striking.

He immediately asked me if I would have him and ordinarily I would but I have made these plans and am really looking forward to it.
So I said I'm sorry I couldn't this time, he immediately went funny on me and a bit snappy when I asked him any other questions so I could tell he was in a mood with me!!

I had my DSS every wed and fri throughout the 6 weeks summer holiday so it's not like I don't offer or have him! His mum only had him for 2 days throughout the whole6 weeks so I innocenty asked why she couldn't have the day off with him next week but DH just left the house (he had an appointment to go to) and slammed the door and said "don't worry I'll sort it!!"

Was I wrong to refuse to have DSS this once?!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I'll try and respond to any replies as and when I can, DH does not know I am on MN.

Thank you

I wonder if it was comments such as 'op thinks she has a family of three and a visitor'? that upset the OP? I thought that was pretty unpleasant, to be honest.

I think that I must be missing the point-surely the ideal for OP and her DH would be to have his DS with them full time and so any extra they get is a bonus

Where would his Mum fit into this?

Obviously it won't happen spartalf -I was talking about the ideal.

It is a fact-she has a family of 4 with 2 equal DCs, not one being family and one visitor.

Exoticfruits ? if you marry a man with children, it?s impossible to treat them as your own, because you?re not allowed to! A stepmother frequently has very little parental authority in the home (just in case telling Jonny off for playing football in the dining room might upset him and deter him from visiting again), she?s often excluded from household decisions that involve the stepchild, and generally the household dynamics of a stepfamily are VERY different to the dynamics of a ?together? family.

In a ?together? family the adults make the decisions and run the household, the children come a little further down the pecking order. But when it?s a stepfamily, the DH is often terrified of upsetting the ex, and terrified to do any ?proper? parenting, and the role of the new wife/partner under those circumstances bears no resemblance to the wife/partner in a ?together? family.

Thanks for any replies and I will read fully this evening after work.

exotic sorry I wasn't accusing you of being unsupportive and you should reply to my thread however you see fit, I just wanted to point out that I was posting in step parenting not AIBU

Thanks again

"I think that I must be missing the point-surely the ideal for OP and her DH would be to have his DS with them full time and so any extra they get is a bonus?"
Nope the ideal if for the child to spend 50% of his time with his Mum and 50% with his Dad. They both "made" him and should share the key influences on his life. The step parent/parents are bonus people. Ideally they are allowed to play a full part, and take the child as their own.

However in this case the Dad is now taking the day off work to spend with his son. Great! If this was impossible for both his parents, then maybe the OP would have reconsidered.
I have to say if I had something special planned with my pre-schooler I might ask their Dad to take some time off/work at home to keep an eye on a school age child during the strike (and we have no step children in the mix).
And before I get flamed yes I know we are lucky that DH has a secure job and flexibility to do this.

how many times does the OP have to say that she CAN'T take the 8 year old swimming. (fwiw OP, the same rules apply at our pool, only one non-swimmer per adult. Although someone probably should have taught him to swim by now...)

everyone's being very harsh, i think. not to mention the fact that this strike was announced weeks ago and the mother has only mentioned it now.

Great! Now all of this has been sorted, I have a lovely chair that I think has an attachment disorder. Whenever someone tries to stop sitting on it, it sticks to them and won't let them go.

I think as you had plans that DSS can't be included in then it's fair enough to say no. I don't think that is being unwelcoming to DSS. It it for you DH and his exW to find care for their child. Reasonably they asked you as being the most obvious person. Normally you would have said yes but this time you had plans and had to say. So they have to take leave or find someone else. Such is life.

"As should the woman who married a man who came with DCs theredhen. If you marry a man with DCs you get his DCs-he doesn't come alone. (I can't see why anyone with DCs marries someone who won't treat them as their own)"

Because they are NOT your own children. Invariably there are two parents who share the care, the step parent is a "bonus" parent not the actual parent. I know there are cases where one parent abandons a child or a parent dies but this is not the case here.

This turned into an AIBU bunfight and some of the comments have been nasty.

FWIW I think you sound like a lovely mum.

Your DSS cannot go into the pool and leaving him unsupervised in the gallery is unacceptable.

You made plans a few weeks ago and don't won't to change them this once. Enjoy your day; DSS will enjoy his with his dad.

barftheheraldangelsheave I have a DH like that!!

I think I'd take the boy. I can't see it's worth all the aggro just to stand up for a point of principle.

Flabber- I don't think you were wrong to say no.

BH- you need a co-dependant cushion for that chair.

I was thinking of a Single White Cushion.

I'm not sure about my occasional table either. Its never there when I need it and it pops up most unexpectedly. Mostly into my shin.

You know that table will need counselling....this could really spiral out of control.

A bit like my projection beanbag....It held one of the children accountable for spilling the beans.

I think its just acting out as it feels so put-upon.

Its a lot to bear.

petal thank you I really feel like you understand exactly how I feel.

This thread has defiantly had more responses than I expected! Especially for my 1st thread!

Thank you to everyone who gave advice.

It is now all sorted.

eggrules thank you so much that's a lovely thing to say

I wasn't talking about the ideal for the DC. I was talking about the ideal for the natural parent, which wouldn't happen because you wouldn't put your needs first BUT I would assume that if they could have the magic world they would have their DC with them all the time. I agree that if you have a difficult ex then it can't be easy.

Let's lay this thread to rest.

Amen.

I came close to being a step parent once. I didn't in the end-mainly because of the ex. I wouldn't put myself in the situation where I was looking after a DC with someone else's rules. If I am looking after the DC I do it my way. It was very hard at the time to break up, but on hindsight it was the best thing that I did.