DH angry as I refuse to have SS on my day off next week.

[myflabberisgasted]

Hi all,

I am a serial lurker and have done the occasional post but now I am looking for some advice please?

I work part time and my days off are wednesday and Friday. I have arranged to go out on wednesday with my other fried and her DS and my DS to take them swimming. This has been arranged for a couple of weeks now.

DSS's mum text my DH earlier and asked if he would be able to have DSS on Wednesday as the school is striking.

He immediately asked me if I would have him and ordinarily I would but I have made these plans and am really looking forward to it.
So I said I'm sorry I couldn't this time, he immediately went funny on me and a bit snappy when I asked him any other questions so I could tell he was in a mood with me!!

I had my DSS every wed and fri throughout the 6 weeks summer holiday so it's not like I don't offer or have him! His mum only had him for 2 days throughout the whole6 weeks so I innocenty asked why she couldn't have the day off with him next week but DH just left the house (he had an appointment to go to) and slammed the door and said "don't worry I'll sort it!!"

Was I wrong to refuse to have DSS this once?!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I'll try and respond to any replies as and when I can, DH does not know I am on MN.

Thank you

seeker thanks for your suggestion and someone mentioned that before but the cafe is in a gallery upstairs and I wouldn't be able to see him properly and wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him up there on his own.

I think the right answer in the OP is to say yes to having DSS but to take him along with you to the pool.

FWIW I'm a stepmother and have often taken care of my DSSs when both their parents were working. The DSSs are older now so the problem doesn't arise, but as a stepparent you do sometimes have to do childcare for the biological parent. Obviously you aren't the nanny and mustn't be abused, but an exceptional day off school for a strike is hardly setting a precedent.

It seems fairly simple to me. If the DSS was your natural DC and suddenly had a day off you would take him but because he is only DH's DC you are not. Despite the fact that when you married your DH you got 2 people added to your family. You appear to think that you got one and a visitor.
I have an 8 yr gap between my DSs who are half siblings and trips to the swimming pool together were fine. I certainly wouldn't refuse to take a sibling and make him feel a nuisance and not part of the family.

exotic I do not think that AT ALL and I do not treat my DSS as a visitor and yes if I was already off work or at work and it was my DS then I would have to take the day off if there was no other possible way but what I think you are forgetting / not listening to is that DSS has 2 very capable parents who can take care of him and who should as I have made other arrangements that he unfortunately cannot be a part of.

What I am trying to say is that I have had my DSS this year throughout the holidays than his own mother!! Who could easily take a day off if she so wanted.
The reason I put my foot down this time was also to try and make a point to DH about DSS's mother not having him and why doesn't he have a word and see if she could have the day off, but obviously he'd have to grow a pair of bollocks before he dare ask her or question her parenting!

Why the hell would the SS in this case feel a "nuisance" and "not part of the family" if the OP doesn't want to include him in her plans on this occasion ? He might only feel like that if either his mother or his father decided to inform him of such, and, if they were so inclined, IMO, that would be highly irresponsible as it could only be designed to paint the OP in a bad light and encourage upset/resentment in the SS. As it now stands, SS is spending the day with his dad, which most children would almost certainly prefer to do .... i.e. one to one attention (a good thing no ?) ... unless they had an exceptionally close relationship with their stepparent.

Op yes you are right to say no... anyway isn't the strike on Thursday? it is here in the south, enjoy your time with your DS and friend

sorry it is wednesday...

My DSS doesn't yet know of any plans for next week and of course if asked for his choice I would be 99% sure he would choose to spend the day with his dad!
So he wouldn't be missing out or feeling "unwanted".

Maybe someone has said this already, but up with us, afaik, the council run swimming pool is also closed for the day of the strikes.

A step parent should have an exceptionally close relationship with their DSS. My DH was very honoured to be given the position of step father and there is no way that I would have married him had he made distinctions between my DS and our DSs. I wouldn't have had DS in an atmosphere where people were quibbling about who had him, how many hours they had had him and whose turn! I would hope that they would say 'great-you are free to come to the swimming pool with us'! Surely it is more fun for the younger one anyway to have his brother?

This thread is turning out to be argumentative which is not what I wanted at all.

The reason I posted in step parenting was to ask for advice / see what other step parents thought and if I was being harsh.

But to hear from people that don't really know the full situation and calling me a bad step mum is just hurtful.
I will think very carefully before coming on MN for advice again, and I know not everyone would agree with me nor would I want everyone to but to have words put into my mouth etc is very upsetting.

it is up to the parents to make alternative arrangements for their child not you it is unfair to ask you to change your plans given the age gap once again step parents get all the flak and get put in to unbelievable positions of guilt tripping when we stand firm and occassionally say NO sorry can't do it this time i have a life to live which doesn't revolve around your child and your ex

Sorry-maybe I am just projecting my own situation which is unfair. I just know that I wouldn't stay with my DH if he was going to make distinctions between our DCs.

As a non step parent I think people here are being ridiculously harsh. Yes it is fine to ask the OP if she could take DSS for the day, but that also means she has the right to say No!
On other threads there are lots of posts about what to do if the parent who has responsibility for the child wants to palm it off to the other parent because that day doesn't suit them. It normally goes along the lines of keep to the routine, they can't just dump their child like that, they need to see the difficulties of parenting.
So maybe it is the responsibility of the parent who is responsible for next Wednesday to take responsibility for the child care. Yes I use the word child care, even if talking about my own children if they suddenly have a day out of school or whatever!!!
I also would not dump any of my kids in a swimming pool cafe with a pile of magazines etc. I do not know of a single pool near here that would be happy with that arrangement. You would probably be called over the Tannoy if you tried it (10 minutes getting one child in or out of a lesson might be possible). Actually would most of the critics be happy if a step-parent did that? If it was a friend I would be furious.
OP I think most people here have been unreasonable, and harsh; and actually would be just as harsh if you had suggested any of their alternatives; except give up your and your sons plans because the two adults didn't want to be inconvenienced. I'm glad his Dad is going to spend some time with him now.

If the pool is open, I would be very surprised if they turned you away. I can see what you are getting at with regards to his mum and dad taking responsibility but i think that when you become part of a step family this sort of thing comes with the territory and you just have to get on with it (as long as its not in the extreme). On this particular occasion I would definitely take DSS with me, if anything because it would probably make the swimming more fun for your DS. I'm having my friend's little girl on Weds and am actively looking forward to it as she plays so well with my little one.

I suppose the only thing I find odd about your posts is that I think you said you see your DSS most days. Therefore he really is a regular part of your family as opposed to a child that would only visit every other weekend etc. I would've thought that if this was the case, the issue of not being his birth parent wouldn't have even entered your head, it would've just been a change to the family's plans for that day.

Poor SS. Neither his mum or dad are prepared to look after him, that must feel pretty rubbish for him.

And for those of you getting your knickers in a twist about wording used to describe step-parents/the situation, I bored of the 'shocked' reactions. How about actually suggesting some 'acceptable' wording, rather than just hurling rocks from afar?

This is supposed to be a step-parenting SUPPORT thread, not AIBU, but I'm not seeing much support from some people.

On a purely practical point of view I found it much easier swimming to have the older one to play with and amuse them.

As to the support-OP posed the question 'was I wrong......?' I don't see why she posed it if she just wanted agreement.I answered the question and am then accused of being unsupportive. Had the post been there without that sentence I probably wouldn't have responded.

Support doesn't have to (and shouldn't) mean agreement, but there are ways of voicing an opposing opinion in a way that is helpful rather than argumentative.

Unfortunately some posters have got a bit carried away.

I would have had him. I would feel parental towards him if I had him three nights a week and he was the ds of my partner.

Oh for gods sake, I know exactly how the thread would have gone if the OP had said 'Ive told DH and his exW not to take the day off work and that I will look after him' - she would have been interfering, taking the place of the mum, over stepping boundries etc etc

OP it really cant be nice for your DSS to feel like its too much work for mum or dad to take a day off work. Re the swimming, at all of our pools if the child is a non swimmer then its one on one.

Id love DP's exW to ask me to look after DSD for a day as she really doesnt spend much time with her brother but thats another story

I do think you made the right decision though, it often falls on the step-parent to do the care of the child, when really all they would probably want is to spend some quality time with their mum or dad.

OP - I am surprised just how many posts this has got, not all complimentary as generally the step parenting board just attracts a few supportive posts.

But, I have to say to anyone who says "poor boy" why can't you have him, you are making him feel not wanted etc, that this boy has TWO parents (as does every child!) but not all parents just delegate responsibility to someone else. Some people have kids and don't want to take responsibility for them when it really matters, they use their parents, friends, acquaintances and in this case, the step parent as the "easy option". If we allow them to do this, they will never face up to their responsibilities towards their children.

The OP own child has TWO parents just the same as DSS, she isn't expecting DSS mum to look after her child though!

And what I will never understand is why these parents don't see the strike as a positive opportunity to spend a day with their son. For goodness sake, they both should be fighting to each have their son for the day not getting angry because OP won't change her plans.

I am flabbergasted by how people seem to think that this selfishness on the part of the little boys parents is acceptable.

If the OP was to post this on AIBU about her parents, for example (an actual blood relative) not changing their plans and looking after their grandson, I have no doubt that everyone would slate the OP for expecting her parents to fit in. I read something very similar on there recently.

This little boy is NOT the OP son, he is the son of another woman, a woman who should be wanting to be with her little boy as should his father.

Was I wrong to refuse to have DSS this once?!

I responded to this and said that 'yes, I think you were wrong and why'-OP then gets upset and says that she won't ask again. I don't see the point in asking if we are all supposed to tell her it was fine. She could have asked for advice about how to manage it without asking whether it was wrong and then I would have let people get on and give it.

I think that I must be missing the point-surely the ideal for OP and her DH would be to have his DS with them full time and so any extra they get is a bonus?

As should the woman who married a man who came with DCs theredhen. If you marry a man with DCs you get his DCs-he doesn't come alone. (I can't see why anyone with DCs marries someone who won't treat them as their own)