DH angry as I refuse to have SS on my day off next week.

[myflabberisgasted]

Hi all,

I am a serial lurker and have done the occasional post but now I am looking for some advice please?

I work part time and my days off are wednesday and Friday. I have arranged to go out on wednesday with my other fried and her DS and my DS to take them swimming. This has been arranged for a couple of weeks now.

DSS's mum text my DH earlier and asked if he would be able to have DSS on Wednesday as the school is striking.

He immediately asked me if I would have him and ordinarily I would but I have made these plans and am really looking forward to it.
So I said I'm sorry I couldn't this time, he immediately went funny on me and a bit snappy when I asked him any other questions so I could tell he was in a mood with me!!

I had my DSS every wed and fri throughout the 6 weeks summer holiday so it's not like I don't offer or have him! His mum only had him for 2 days throughout the whole6 weeks so I innocenty asked why she couldn't have the day off with him next week but DH just left the house (he had an appointment to go to) and slammed the door and said "don't worry I'll sort it!!"

Was I wrong to refuse to have DSS this once?!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I'll try and respond to any replies as and when I can, DH does not know I am on MN.

Thank you

When you married DH you got his DS and he isn't a visitor-he is a member of your family-of course he should go.

Thank you red hen, neither of them was prepared to take time off / sort out play dates etc yet I am the one to be left feeling guilty for saying no! At least my DH has taken the day off now so it's all sorted but I'm sure this will happen again.

Cats if I was at home all day and had no plans or if I had plans that DSS could rake part in then I would gladly have him for the day but as I have plans which he cant take part in then I think this once it is ok for me to say no.

And it will also show I'm not a pushover and available at the drop of a hat next 6 weeks holiday if that is not the case!

When I remarried it was' love me love my DS'-we came together. I wouldn't have married someone who saw their DS as a member of the family and mine as an extra.

Is the mum actually allowed the day off? I'm not in a union but as I'm public sector not allowed annual leave that day. I didn't book the day off just in case and still don't know if the school will close or not. To answer the question though surely dss has friends he could go to occasionally. The mum is lucky to have you as extra childcare. I'm my back up plan, my childcare plans are very convoluted next week!

Sorry if some of my posts sound a bit short or like I'm ring argumentative I'm not at all.
I only have a limited time to reply on my phone.

The mum is allowed the day off as she isn't in the public sector. I'm sure if she was really desperate she would as she'd have no other choice I think it's the case that she doesn't want to!!

Your DH is missing one crucial point here: he ASKED if you would be able to mind SS. By asking this, he should have realised that you may answer Yes or No. He should have consideration for the fact that you are entitled to say Yes or No.

He can't then get arsey if you choose the answer he least prefers.

Fwiw, I dont think you should have to feel pressure to take SS along to the pool, irrespective of ratios, as two mums swimming with toddlers is very different to trying to entertain an 18month old (who will probs be in shallow end or little pool) and 8 year old who will no doubt be a bit further in the pool or in seperate larger pool (as is the case at our local pool).

If your DS and the SS were similar ages, they'd entertain each other, bit with such a gap, it changes the type of trip completeley.

The mum is allowed the day off as she doesn't work in the public sector and I'm sure if she was really desperate she would, I think it's just a case of she doesn't want to!

He's not your biological child, but I'm a bit shocked you use the expression 'free childcare'. Just sounds a bit cold - you are married to his father! Is it more an issue of feeling like the biological parents and grandparents don't do enough? You sound like you begrudge looking after him.

You are reasonable to ask DH to check who else could do it. If not family, presumably DSS has schoolfriends who will be off - maybe he can go to one of their houses?

SecondComing i'd be furious if I were your partner and expected to mind your DD.

Horses for courses.

Not quite the point but are you sure you want to be going swimming with a toddler when the local schools are having an extra day off? Wouldn't you and your friend rather postpone a week?

Sorry double posted there, I didn't think my first post had worked.

There is also the case of I wouldn't feel comfortable taking both boys on my own as they would both need my full attention which I physically couldn't do, so it's also not safe in my opinion.

Thesecondcoming what would you ask your DH o do in this situation? Would you ask him to cancel his plans?
Just asking out of interest

The op made plans- she has had her ss many times on her days off- end of. If he is a non swimmer she shouldn't take him

Xmasbaby you are right I could have worded it better! DSS's maternal grandparents (XW's parents) have DSS most of the school holidays which is why I offered to have him on my days off as he can be a bit of a handful and would like to give them a break. But DSS's mum doesn't bother to share the holidays or offer and that does make me feel relied upon alot of the time.

I dont begrudge having my DSS at all and do have him alot but I do begrudge being relied upon and when I can't do it my DH behaving like a child and being grumpy with me about it!!

Don't feel bad about the criticism you're getting from some people here. You've said - several times now - that normally you'd have helped out, and, that you've done plenty of childcare for SS in the past. Doesn't sound as if you see him as an extra at all .... yet neither of his bloody parents wanted to take a day off to look after him. If anyone should be feeling guilty it's them, and particularly his dad, because he could have said no as it sounds like his ex has more holiday to play with than he does (admittedly this is conjecture) but I suspect (based on my own DP and many others in a similar situation) there may have been an element of not wanting to rock the boat with her. Ergo it is assumed that you'll step in to stop the gap ... which is crap, because if your DH asks the question he has to be prepared for a "no" - which you gave with sound reasons - and, from his subsequent stropping, clearly he expected you to say yes without hesitation.

It's just bad luck that all this has fallen on a day when you already had plans which meant SS couldn't be included, and I don't think it's unreasonable for you to stick to those when his dad could have taken time off - or could have negotiated differently with his ex about the issue - but just didn't want to.

For people critisising ..... please bear in mind that those of us who are with men who already had children don't automatically become slaves maids of all work simply by moving in with them. We are also entitled to an opinion, and to be consulted about how the household runs - including childcare - just as most normal "together" couples do when there's a problem to be solved. Unfortunately, as has (almost) happened here, in a step family the stepparent is often expected to pick up the slack AFTER their partner and his ex have discussed details amongst themselves, and without being party to that discussion at all. We are then seen as obstructive/difficult/mean/step-child-hating if we dare to raise an objection yet in a "together" family (for want of a better description, i.e. not a step family) this is a normal part of discussions where you both get a say at the same time. Additionally, you will find that whilst many stepparents are expected to pick up the pieces in situations like this, god forbid they should ever try and get involved in disciplining the stepkids ..... that is strictly forbidden in many stepfamilies. Kind of double standards really - and very upsetting and infuriating. The OP has done nothing wrong at all in wanting to stick to her plans .... in any case, unless she's planning on being in the pool from - say - 8am until 6pm - it's likely that she will be at home anyway for at least some of the time her SS will be around and will no doubt help ease the "load" for her DH by helping out with meals, supervision, entertainment and so on.

and people wonder why some stepparents get such a hard time.

"not your child."
"have done my fair share of free childcare."
"babysitting."

You married a man with a child. You didn't marry a man who happens to look after someone else's child from time to time - you married a man who is a father to a child. Consequently, that child should be equal to all others in your household.

You have two children. Your own ds, and your ss, and they are (or should be) equals in your home and your family.

And there is a vast difference between expecting someone to take time out of their limited annual leave, and cancelling a swimming trip (which presumably won't last more than an hour or so) which can be rescheduled at any time.

I wonder if this poor child realizes that he is second best in your eyes.

If you didn't want the responsibility of a child that is not yours, then frankly you shouldn't have married a man who had a child.

Yeah I know what you mean bloodymofo but it's honestly not an excuse. They are the swimming pool rules ad I daren't risk turning up with me, my DSS and my DS and then be turned away at the counter and then ruin my friends plans too!

Catsmother thank you so so much I couldn't have worded it better myself. Thats exactly how I feel sometimes, DH and XW always arrange days when we have DSS between them and I just have to go along with whatever is agreed and sort our plans around them. Yet am I expected to also be a prt of the family yet If I suggest changes etc it soon turns into an argument with DH.

And for those of you saying that I don't treat DSS as my own etc etc I always make him feel welcome in his own home!! I always treat the boys the same, spend the same amount on Xmas etc.
Although I don't FEEL the same about my DSS as I do my DS I would never let my DSS think this / or feel this and I always treat them equally.

I even take my DSS out sometimes just the 2 of us as I did before I had my DS so we get some time together.

And yes i could quite easily cancel my swimming trip and i also would if there was no other way possible for my DSS, but there is and I think his parents should realise this from time to time!

Is it a council-run pool? If so, will it be open?

It's a private pool so will still be open.