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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DH angry as I refuse to have SS on my day off next week.

264 replies

myflabberisgasted · 23/11/2011 16:09

Hi all,

I am a serial lurker and have done the occasional post but now I am looking for some advice please?

I work part time and my days off are wednesday and Friday. I have arranged to go out on wednesday with my other fried and her DS and my DS to take them swimming. This has been arranged for a couple of weeks now.

DSS's mum text my DH earlier and asked if he would be able to have DSS on Wednesday as the school is striking.

He immediately asked me if I would have him and ordinarily I would but I have made these plans and am really looking forward to it.
So I said I'm sorry I couldn't this time, he immediately went funny on me and a bit snappy when I asked him any other questions so I could tell he was in a mood with me!!

I had my DSS every wed and fri throughout the 6 weeks summer holiday so it's not like I don't offer or have him! His mum only had him for 2 days throughout the whole6 weeks so I innocenty asked why she couldn't have the day off with him next week but DH just left the house (he had an appointment to go to) and slammed the door and said "don't worry I'll sort it!!"

Was I wrong to refuse to have DSS this once?!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I'll try and respond to any replies as and when I can, DH does not know I am on MN.

Thank you

OP posts:
JosieZ · 23/11/2011 21:31

Myflabber - your error was not to stand up to DH before now.

If there is a sudden need for someone to look after DSS again then next time DH MIGHT have the decency to check with you first rather than make assumptions.

michaela18a · 23/11/2011 21:32

wannaBe i couldn't have put it better x

wannaBe · 23/11/2011 21:35

"I just don't think that that would ever be my main criteria when choosing who looks after my child - whether that person is 'off on Wednesday." really? surely it's about who is available. I work - thus I am not available without having to take annual leave. Ex works thus he is not available without having to take annual leave. Stepmum does not work... thus she is available. On the whole, plans made with other children are not that rigid that they cannot accommodate another child - that is just petty.

wannaBe · 23/11/2011 21:37

and in my "I work/ex does not..." senario I was referring to the op's dh/her ex, not to myself.

JosieZ · 23/11/2011 21:40

'And the key thing here is language. Not op's child; Providing free childcare; babysitting. All this makes a clear distinction between the fact that op has a child and there is a child in op's house who is not hers and for whom she does not feel responsible.'

'Providing free childcare' and 'babysitting' are more likely to be used because that is how the OP is made to feel by the parents. Working parents can have a pretty limited idea of how demanding it is looking after kids all day. Or that was how I found it as a stay at home mum.

I think the OP works.

michaela18a · 23/11/2011 21:40

wannaBe you keep taking the words out my mouth :)

cjbartlett · 23/11/2011 21:44

I agree with wannabe
Surely as a step parent you should strive to feel the same about all your children? Not feel you are childcare and that you babysit them Sad
why should his dad take a day off work to look after him when his stepmom can take him swimming

spartafc · 23/11/2011 21:46

"Stepmum does not work... thus she is available", yes, I can see that this is very convenient.

seeker · 23/11/2011 21:47

Your dp's child should be treated in exactly the same way that yours are. He is qs much one of the family as your own children.

And this is the only swimming pool I have ever heard of where th has to be one adult per non swimmer.

wannaBe · 23/11/2011 21:50

"Working parents can
have a pretty limited idea of how demanding it is looking after kids all day." But we're talking an eight year old here not a baby. It's really not that hard.

AmorYCohetes · 23/11/2011 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 23/11/2011 21:55

""Working parents can
have a pretty limited idea of how demanding it is looking after kids -all day"

I think that it's the other way round, actually!

AmorYCohetes · 23/11/2011 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 23/11/2011 21:59

Exoticfruits where do you stand on the issue of SS's bio parents not looking after him on strike day?

They appear to be working whereas OP is already looking after the sibling of the DC so she can add one more-she certainly would if it was the full sibling of her birth DC.
If OP was working either she would have to get someone else or she or her DH would have to have a day off.

She just appears to have 2 DCs in the family, where one is more equal than the other.

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 23/11/2011 22:05

Yes exotic fruits - the DSS has a mum, a dad and a step mum where the poor old DS just has a mum and dad.

Is that the inequality you were referring to? That one child has two parents to look after him and take him out, swimming for example, where the other child has three?

Thats unfair I agree, especially when the two actual parents seem to think its the responsibility of someone else to care for their child at the detriment of her own child.

seeker · 23/11/2011 22:11

"Thats unfair I agree, especially when the two actual parents seem to think its the responsibility of someone else to care for their child at the detriment of her own child."

How is it to the detriment of her own child to spend the day with his brother?

AmorYCohetes · 23/11/2011 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LtEveDallas · 23/11/2011 22:18

The swimming pool here is also 1 adult per non swimmer. In most private pools that is the case. Many health club pools have this rule, as some don't have lifeguards on permanent duty.

I'm surprised that the mum can't have any time off - isn't there a minimum holidays rule?

I think OPs DH is IBU to be shitty about this. Why on earth didn't he and his ex have a plan already in place? It's not like there wasn't fair warning.

NonnoMum · 23/11/2011 22:22

YABU

ladygagoo · 23/11/2011 23:37

OP, you really don't deserve the flack you are getting on here.

I just have one question for you though, why are you on MN in secret?

I think your DH comes across as entitled and selfish. I can't bear parents who get in moods for not getting their own way. I wonder who the child is here.
Perhaps your DH should read some posts on step-parenting and try to gain a better understanding of what kind of amazing person it takes to be someone's step parent and who actively takes care and an interest in them. I don't doubt at all that you are a great step mum to your DSS and he is lucky to have you. I hope you enjoy your swimming trip with your friend and your DSS enjoys some quality time with his Dad.

cat64 · 23/11/2011 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

marriednotdead · 24/11/2011 00:20

Am totally on your side OP.

Regardless of those picking apart your choice of words, I understand why you don't want to change your long standing plans. You already give a lot of your time to your DSS- I presume your DH is not there for every minute that you have him in your house?

I have several DSCs, one of whom came to live with me with neither consultation nor notice after his mother gave up trying to manage him. DH relies heavily on me to support him and couldn't parent him alone but there are times when I make plans that I am not prepared to change, it doesn't make me Malificent. Don't let anyone tattoo 'mug' on your head.

Apricots · 24/11/2011 01:09

Those of you having a go at the OP - if you had children with a 6.5 year age gap would you always take them both everywhere with you to do he same activities or would there be occasions where you would take the toddler somewhere and the older child somewhere else leaving the other. Hold with their other parent?

OP yanbu enjoy your swimming x

seeker · 24/11/2011 07:03

"Those of you having a go at the OP - if you had children with a 6.5 year age gap would you always take them both everywhere with you to do he same activities or would there be occasions where you would take the toddler somewhere and the older child somewhere else leaving the other. Hold with their other parent?"

I have children with a 5 year age gap, and yes, before they were young enough to be left home alone, sometimes one of them had to tag along with the other to an activity they were too young/old/uninterested to tqkenpqrtnin. It's called family life.

Op why not set your stepson up in the cafe of the pool with pile of books, comics, crisps, sweets and a DS? Then you can have your swim, he'll have a nice time, the other adults can go to work, and everyone wins?

Original poster
myflabberisgasted · 24/11/2011 07:09

Can I just confirm something please, I personally never used the term "babysitting" or "not my child" I did use the term "free childcare" and that was a bad choice of words which I apologised for, but to be honest that is how I feel sometimes. DSS's parents can and do expect me to be available all the time and I think just this once I should stick to my guns and keep my plans.

My DH has plenty of annual leave this year which he needs to use up before Xmas so it's not a problem of using his holiday up!
I have also found out last night that DSS's mum is taking 2 long weekends away before Xmas (thus using 4 days holiday from work, fri - mon) so has holiday for things like that but not to have her own DS yet I am the one to be made guilty for not having him Hmm

But thank you again for the helpful and supportive comments, and TBH I don't think I deserved some of the harsher comments about treating both boys equally as I always do except on this one occasion where I don't think my DSS would appreciate the swimming trip and would much prefer to spend the day with his dad!

OP posts:
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