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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DH angry as I refuse to have SS on my day off next week.

264 replies

myflabberisgasted · 23/11/2011 16:09

Hi all,

I am a serial lurker and have done the occasional post but now I am looking for some advice please?

I work part time and my days off are wednesday and Friday. I have arranged to go out on wednesday with my other fried and her DS and my DS to take them swimming. This has been arranged for a couple of weeks now.

DSS's mum text my DH earlier and asked if he would be able to have DSS on Wednesday as the school is striking.

He immediately asked me if I would have him and ordinarily I would but I have made these plans and am really looking forward to it.
So I said I'm sorry I couldn't this time, he immediately went funny on me and a bit snappy when I asked him any other questions so I could tell he was in a mood with me!!

I had my DSS every wed and fri throughout the 6 weeks summer holiday so it's not like I don't offer or have him! His mum only had him for 2 days throughout the whole6 weeks so I innocenty asked why she couldn't have the day off with him next week but DH just left the house (he had an appointment to go to) and slammed the door and said "don't worry I'll sort it!!"

Was I wrong to refuse to have DSS this once?!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I'll try and respond to any replies as and when I can, DH does not know I am on MN.

Thank you

OP posts:
LondonMumsie · 23/11/2011 20:38

I don't think it is double-standards. There are three adults who share care. One has no work that day. I think it makes sense for that one to look after the child. To me where it is mother, father or step-mother is irrelevant.

I do think there is an issue with OP being taken for granted. I think that needs to be dealt with, but not necessarily on strike day.

Petal02 · 23/11/2011 20:41

Excellent posts from Smum99 and Catsmother. And I agree completely with the comments about double standards. As a step parent you're frequently excluded from stepchild-related decisions, even though such matters can have a significant impact on your household and/or other children. Yet whenever there's a change of plan or school closure, you're deemed good enough to step into the breach.

The OP has my total support. Her stepson has two healthy bio parents, and just they bith choose not to have the child on the day in question, responsibility should not fall to the OP. What would happen if the OP weren't on the scene? Surely then one parent would have to take responsibility?

Original poster
myflabberisgasted · 23/11/2011 20:45

This has now been sorted DH is taking the day off but if worst came to worst I would have cancelled the swimming!

Thanks again for the supportive replies Smile

OP posts:
Petal02 · 23/11/2011 20:46

Sorry for typos, damn lap top keyboard!

Original poster
myflabberisgasted · 23/11/2011 20:48

Sorry can't comment much tonight but will reply in the morning.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 23/11/2011 20:50

You have plans, and you are not available to babysit. End of.

This is her DS-she isn't babysitting. When she got DH he didn't come alone -she got his DS as her family- she didn't get DH and a visitor.

I would be appalled if my DH thought he was babysitting his DSS-he is is doing what any parent has to do with a day off-manage-his DC.

Petal02 · 23/11/2011 20:57

Exoticfruits - you imply that the OP has a greater responsibility towards her stepson than either of his bio parents. It seems fine for the mother and father to develop sloping shoulders - no one seems to question that - but god forbid the step mother if she is also unavailable. Double standards indeed.

exoticfruits · 23/11/2011 21:04

All I know is that when I remarried it was 'love me, love my DC' and DS isn't a visitor and inconvenience. If you marry a person with the DC you get the DC-for life.

StealthPolarBear · 23/11/2011 21:07

but what if you actually give birth to them - same doesn't apply?

As you can tell, I'm on the fence with this. I think the OP should treat her DSS in exactly the same way she would treat her own 8yo. However, that would rely on the DH and the Ex-W not taking the p. Which they are.

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 23/11/2011 21:07

Some of the responses on here are almost laughable. Hilarious in fact.

OP, of course you shouldn't let down three people when your DSS has two parents who are perfectly capable of looking after him that day. You sound lovely and that you do plenty for your DSS.

StealthPolarBear · 23/11/2011 21:08

sorry, her DH is included in the "gave birth to him" category - poor choice of terminology :o

exoticfruits · 23/11/2011 21:08

If it was me I would forget about the adults and think of the poor DSS and not make him feel anything but welcome.

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 23/11/2011 21:10

Ahh bugger that exoticfruits. I love my DSD, but she has two bloody parents who love her more than I will ever do so I am third on the list for childcare and thats the way it should be. When DS is off next week due to the strike, I'll be taking a day off him not asking my ex's parter to watch him.

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 23/11/2011 21:12

I am also pretty sure that "poor DSS" would much rather spend the day with his Dad than go swimming with his step mum, her friend and two babies, unless 8 year old boys have changed a lot since I last met one Grin

michaela18a · 23/11/2011 21:12

I have a 11 yr old (not DH's) and a 10 month baby (to DH). If i were in that position and my DH was off work and i wasn't, and for whatever reason, my 11 year old wasn't in school, it wouldn't even be an issue. My DH would take him, even if it meant rearranging his plans. It wouldn't make sense for me to take a day off. IMO you are treating your DSC different because it's not your child, if it was would you still expect your DH to take the day off?

Petal02 · 23/11/2011 21:16

Yet again, posters are accepting the stance of the bio parents, but continuing to challenge the views of the OP.

exoticfruits · 23/11/2011 21:18

I agree with michaela

spartafc · 23/11/2011 21:19

IMO you are treating your DSC different because it's not your child, if it was would you still expect your DH to take the day off? as opposed to her ex H's partner? Which is exactly what the DSS's mum is doing.

exoticfruits · 23/11/2011 21:19

OP has a family of 2 adults and 2 DCs but seems to think she has a family of 3 and a visitor.

spartafc · 23/11/2011 21:24

Oh, I missed that bit. I just saw about how the DSS stays over loads and she looks after him a lot in the school hols. OP referred to her house as his home too. Maybe she should take that back, seeing as how she, apparently, doesn't feel it is.

SparkleSoiree · 23/11/2011 21:25

Exoticfruits where do you stand on the issue of SS's bio parents not looking after him on strike day?

michaela18a · 23/11/2011 21:28

as opposed to her ex H's partner? I took it that ex H's partner knew the OP would be off on Wednesday?

wannaBe · 23/11/2011 21:29

when you marry someone who has children then the children come as part of the package.

The issue here is one of availability - the biological parents are less available because they are working, whereas op's unavailability is down to a social engagement which can easily be moved.

If both parents work and there is no alternative then of course it is reasonable to expect one or other to take the day off. But if the stepparent does not work then it is not unreasonable to hope that she (or he) would be able to look after the child, thus meaning her dh wouldn't have to use up his annual leave.

If op worked then it would be unreasonable to expect her to take the day off over one of the biological parents, but she doesn't so the logical solution is for her to have the child. A social occasion can be moved.

And the key thing here is language. Not op's child; Providing free childcare; babysitting. All this makes a clear distinction between the fact that op has a child and there is a child in op's house who is not hers and for whom she does not feel responsible. If op genuinely thought of the children as equal then she would not be referring to him in this way. After all does she consider looking after her own ds as being the one providing "free childcare"? when her dh goes out does she consider staying home with her child "babysitting"? If not then the difference is abundantly clear...

Also, for those saying that surely another friend or family member should help out, perhaps, but doesn't it also show some trust/respect on the part of the ex that she is happy for her child to spend the day with his stepmum? There are enough people on here who have posted in the past that they wouldn't be happy for their dc to go to the stepmum without the dh present, and people would be quick enough to jump on that.

spartafc · 23/11/2011 21:30

I just don't think that that would ever be my main criteria when choosing who looks after my child - whether that person is 'off on Wednesday.

allgoodindahood · 23/11/2011 21:30

In our 'blended' family Dh would always take the day off to look after my sons, his SS. but I think op is trying to make a v valid point to her Dh i.e. "stop arranging shit behind my back without consulting me then expect me to just agree, cos I might not!"

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