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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DH angry as I refuse to have SS on my day off next week.

264 replies

myflabberisgasted · 23/11/2011 16:09

Hi all,

I am a serial lurker and have done the occasional post but now I am looking for some advice please?

I work part time and my days off are wednesday and Friday. I have arranged to go out on wednesday with my other fried and her DS and my DS to take them swimming. This has been arranged for a couple of weeks now.

DSS's mum text my DH earlier and asked if he would be able to have DSS on Wednesday as the school is striking.

He immediately asked me if I would have him and ordinarily I would but I have made these plans and am really looking forward to it.
So I said I'm sorry I couldn't this time, he immediately went funny on me and a bit snappy when I asked him any other questions so I could tell he was in a mood with me!!

I had my DSS every wed and fri throughout the 6 weeks summer holiday so it's not like I don't offer or have him! His mum only had him for 2 days throughout the whole6 weeks so I innocenty asked why she couldn't have the day off with him next week but DH just left the house (he had an appointment to go to) and slammed the door and said "don't worry I'll sort it!!"

Was I wrong to refuse to have DSS this once?!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I'll try and respond to any replies as and when I can, DH does not know I am on MN.

Thank you

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 23/11/2011 19:08

Is your DS your DS alone, or is this your present DH's DS?
If you have one each you can just about get away treating them differently but if they are half brothers you can't possibly have a second class DC.

Either way -IMO -you have a family of 4 and you can't babysit your own DC.

matana · 23/11/2011 19:31

Well i've offered to have my DSDs on some days to save my DH's annual leave and tbh wish that for once he'd take me up on it!

I don't think you deserve all the vitriole from others on here, and i do understand how you feel in a way. But i do also think you might be making more of it than need be, perhaps to make a point to your DH that this is actually a long standing irritation. The national strike will cause thousands of parents inconvenience and i have sympathy.

If it were me, i'd take him swimming with me, enjoy the quality time without DH and iron out the longer term irritations you have described (DH and his ex making arrangements without your knowledge) rather than focusing on this one occasion. It's not your DSS's fault after all and you cannot risk him feeling unwanted - believe me, they remember things like that, however innocent you believe your reasoning is.

whostolemyname · 23/11/2011 19:39

I agree with WannaBe. I think you are being very unreasonable. Poor child.

thisisyesterday · 23/11/2011 19:43

god, threads like this make me really, really, really hope that DP and I never split up.

i'd be very sad knowing that my children were unwelcome at their dad's house and that their step-mum didn't want them

how sad

SparkleSoiree · 23/11/2011 19:44

Well worded Catsmother.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 23/11/2011 19:46

How can you day the DSS "isn't welcome" when he's there three nights a week?

SparkleSoiree · 23/11/2011 19:46

OP has not said her DH's child is not welcome at their home or that she didn't want him in their family.

There are some really unfair sweeping statements being made on this thread.

thisisyesterday · 23/11/2011 19:48

he is unwelcome on that day. despite it being his dad's house.

come on, tell me you wouldn't feel a bit sad if that was your little boy

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 23/11/2011 19:53

He'll be there, on that day, with his dad.

spartafc · 23/11/2011 19:54

i'd be very sad knowing that my children were unwelcome at their dad's house and that their step-mum didn't want them fair enough, but can you see yourself making the step mum your first choice of childcare? I can't imagine I would, if it was me. I think I'd think it was my job first, then the Father's and then - if all else failed - maybe the step mum. It seems the OP feels that she is the first choice every time just because it's convenient. I don't know that convenience should be the first consideration. I would, I think, feel 'my child, my problem'.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 23/11/2011 19:57

Maybe we should feel sad for the poor boy because his own mother doesn't want him on that day.

LondonMumsie · 23/11/2011 19:57

I think you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. Your DH loses a day leave that you could all enjoy together later, you will be over-run by school kids at the pool, you get the "bad girl" label all round (unfairly, perhaps).

I would call your friend and invite her to your place, have a calm lunch with her child and your two children.

Go for a swim another week.

Original poster

myflabberisgasted · 23/11/2011 20:01

Wow some of you are being really harsh!!

I have never saidmy DSS is unwanted at our home, quite the opposite infact and when he is here I treat him the same as my DS.

The only thing I have a problem with I feel is DSS's mum not taking responsibility enough and actually doing some of the childcare too!

Thank you for the supportive messages for those of you who understand.

OP posts:

Eggrules · 23/11/2011 20:02

I think it is fine for you to say you can't look after DSS when you have made other plans. It is for your DH and XW to sort out childcare in the first instance and then ASK for additional support as required.

It sounds like most of the time you are happy to provide support. It is OK for you to make your own plans and stick to them and for his parents to sort out childcare. You have said "not this once" and not "never again". Enjoy your day out.

dearheart · 23/11/2011 20:03

OP, it is fine to say no - because you already have plans and would need to break them in order to look after your dss. I am sure you would do it if your dp was in a desperate situation - but he is not. It is actually his ex-wife who needs a favour in this instance - and you are under no obligation to be the one to sort out her childcare issues.

It's silly to say that this makes your dss unwelcome in your home - you won't be there and you have already said that you wouldn't mind having him if you were.

By the way, OP, when your own dc gets older, you will be allowed to complain if the school closes and you have to change your plans to arrange childcare!

canttakeanymoreofteendd · 23/11/2011 20:08

I am a stepmum and think you are being a bit mean. Could DSS not sit in the cafe with a book or something while you are swimming?

Original poster

myflabberisgasted · 23/11/2011 20:12

Thank you eggrules

cant I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving an 8 year old in the cafe alone. Thanks or the suggestion though.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 23/11/2011 20:15

I suppose the question would be what would you do if you had an 8yo with your DH, and his school was closed next Wednesday? Would you cancel your swim, or tell your DH to take the day off?

Smum99 · 23/11/2011 20:16

The double standards are unbearable...if a stepmum over steps the marks she is vilified...doesn't she know who the real parents are???? Of course she shouldn't try to take the place of the mum. She shouldn't attend parent evenings, be involved in schooling BUT if school is cancelled she SHOULD step in. The issue here is the "shoulds".

Who's day is it, to usually to have SS on the strike day? If it's the mum then she should take the day off or make alternative arrangements. If it's the dad then he should take the day off or ask the stepmum. Sometimes a mum (ANY MUM, step or otherwise) wants to spends 1 to 1 time with their child, what is worng with that.

I ask my DH if he's available to have DD, I do not assume he will.I don't assume her step mum will have her (why the heck would I!!), I am the parent. You can't be a parent and just pick and choose the jobs you want. The mum and dad are the people posters should be angry with...save your anger for the neglectful parents not involved step parents.

SparkleSoiree · 23/11/2011 20:20

I don't understand why a number of people are disagreeing with the OP's position. Does her SS have grandparents or other relatives in his mum or dad's family who could be called upon to ask for support? Why should it fall to the OP? She is not his mother or father. She has her own plans. She won't be in the house. She will be out having one to one time with her own child. Her life does not come under the control of her DH and his EXW in order to ensure their child is always put first in whatever capacity they decide.

The OP has stated she cares very much for her SS, she has looked after him extensively in the past, she treats him the same as her own child when he is there and she generally supports her DH in looking after him.

If some people believe that OP is being selfish and difficult why don't they attribute the same labelling to her SS's mother or father? The Mother and Father are the responsible adults for THEIR child, not the OP.

I seriously believe that some people are just anti step mums and any opportunity to criticise them or make them look selfish or nasty is utilised to the extreme.

weevilswobble · 23/11/2011 20:30

From what i've read of the thread, i just find myself thinking poor kid! All these selfish adults in his life. No one wants to put him first. Why the hell you cant take him swimming i do not know. Isnt it more fun for toddlers to have a big kid around to play with?

Xmasbaby11 · 23/11/2011 20:30

Sorry if I misunderstood you OP - sometimes it is so hard getting the wording right when you have to summarise a complex situation! I think the issue here is that the other adults are taking you for granted and perhaps resenting you making your own plans with friends - not so much about this one day, but about DH not respecting your time assuming you will fit in with their plans. I hope you can make DH see that. Either him or the ex should surely be able to take a day's leave even at short notice - after all, most parents will be in a tricky position on strike day.

wantadvice · 23/11/2011 20:31

Yanbu. I completely agree with you that you are not the automatic option for free childcare. I think you sound like a great step mum but not a mug.

AmberLeaf · 23/11/2011 20:34

I suppose the question would be what would you do if you had an 8yo with your DH, and his school was closed next Wednesday? Would you cancel your swim, or tell your DH to take the day off ?

Thats exactly what I was going to ask.

Cancelling your swim wouldnt be a huge deal TBH, you could still see your friend and do something with the children.

slimbo · 23/11/2011 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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