When you dislike your step-children for no real reason

[Gerz]

I am currently in the process of moving out with my own DC as I KNOW I am being mean, unreasonable, a bitch etc.
I have also name-changed for the same reason!

I just wonder if anyone can offer a psychological explanation for the way I am feeling towards my step-daughter (13).

When I first met her, I liked her. She seemed quiet and sweet. But the more time I spent with her, the more she would wind me up. She would slag off my son, saying he will be a doley drop out etc and that he will never get a girlfriend because he's too ugly. I put it down to jealousy and tried to let it go but deep down I really started to dislike her.

It's got to the point now where I can't stand her near me. When I hear her bedroom door open, my heart sinks. If she sits near me I have to move away because she always smells awful (never gets a shower). I hate the way she speaks, I hate the way she eats, I hate the way she walks. I get so annoyed when she clings to DP like a two year old and when DP tries to big up something she's done I have to really try hard to hide my lack of interest. The way I see it she's lazy, bitchy and manipulative.

I KNOW I am being unreasonable and for all of our sakes, I am moving out but WHY am I such a nasty step parent? I don't mean to me. She just annoys me so much without even trying to.

I'll never get with anyone with kids again.

Has anyone else ever experienced this? what causes it???

HI Gerz, hope things are improving slightly!
I do know where you are coming from though as i constantly have problems with my step daughter and not so much my step son - it got so bad that i had it out with my partner and told him i was moving out as i refused to live here any longer being treated like that - and hey presto we put our heads together and came up with new rules and consequences for her - very strict ones - no warnings etc. everything taken off her, grounded with no tv books only - you name it!!!! she is only 8 and a half and seemed a bit harsh but we tackled it head on together after he saw it for what it was - the only thing coming between us and he realised that with the relationship i had with my step son -

i am not saying they are all rosy but things are improving slightly - although she is on a weeks strop at the moment - in an emmpty bedroom grounded!!!! we refuse to back down now and she is coming around very slowly in her own twisted time that we will not give in and she will adhere to the boundaries set for her - as does her brother when he is up to no good!

I know this is an ancient relic thread, but it's quite disturbing.

5 year olds don't follow their Dads around all day and ask them for constant hugs. She's not acting like a clingy child as the OP suggested, but like a clingy girlfriend.

Something deeply fucked up is going on in that house. That child needs help.

Hey Gerz

I personally found this while looking for support! I totally understand what you're going through coz I'm there now! My DS is 3yrs old and as manipulative as your DSD and the fathers, are exact same! Thas made me despise him so much so imagine how difficult it is for me to talk about a 3yr old!

But fighting her only makes you look jealous and wicked! Use subtlety! Literally throw yourself at her when the father is around! It will either guilt trip her or trigger her to push you away while the father sees, you'll be the victim! You fighting her, makes her a matyr which is what she is going for! DONT TREAT HER BADLY IN ANY WAY! It plays in her favor.

She has no real conversation with the father and I'd like to assume you do! Whenever she is in hug mode, come in and bring up a real conversation about something unrelated and preferably funny or annoying! Try including her to not look like a deliberate distraction... do the same thing for the texts! Create a 'no phones during dinner rule' and get him a better substitute like dirty talk or even upping the sex quality ( learn gurlll). Also do favors for the other child and make them love you twice over as well as getting the father to love them too... then when all this breaks her resilience, try and reel her in... she just needs to feel your love, she is threatened with losing her dad to you (she fears you girl) so show her she ain't losing him, she's gaining both of you.

Good luck

Q2293 are you seriously comparing a 3 year old to a 14 year old?

Hoping it's a typo and you mean 13 because at 3 I would say this behaviour is nirmal and 3 year olds aren't manipulating anyone

Thanks for the reports folks, this is indeed a ZOMBIE thread.

If you're interested in this topic please feel free to start your own new thread.

OP - I feel your pain. I think you are incredibly brave to be facing up to this. I don't have any advice I am sorry to say. good luck though

I don't think it's possible to feel the bond of parental love with anyone's DC but your own. Even when you don't like your own DC much, the unconditional love is still there.
With someone else's DC, it's more difficult to overlook faults that your on may also display....its natural, what we're programmed to do!
That's the trouble with modern day 'blended families' it doesn't really work!

She actually sounds like a bit if a shit. You are of obliged to like her st that age if she has no good points.

I feel the Same about my partners son, (can't even call him step child)
He's 21 now & worse than ever, even has a girl friend round all the time, they come & go as they please, I don't feel comfortable in my own home (partner bought use a new home so it was ours, & not his) I've lived with him for over 8 years & his disrespect towards me is worse than when he was 10! I hate living with him but can't move out coz have nothing, no money to pay for new place & I have a daughter who is 15 who hates it as well coz of little comments made, love partner but hate his child

Haven't read the whole thread, but no doubt you're getting a pasting....well ffs you can't like everyone!!
I don't know whether this child is obnoxious, or it's you being judgemental, but either way it won't work. You're probably doing the right thing moving out because, you can't a) live in that atmosphere, or b) put this child under such pressure! So, you move on take your own advice, steer clear of men with kids in future!

Yes she should be trying her own room and not being bought umpteen duplicate items. However, you have made right the right call to move out because the last few posts show you relationship with her has broken down so much that you are seeing everything she does in a negative light. 'purposely get up early to maximise clinging time.' - she is getting up to spend time with her father and wants to be close to him. You have done a wonderful thing but acknowledging that this situation is toxic and moving out.

tidying!

I would hope things have changed in the seven years since the OP first posted this thread, but then again.....

I have t read last the comment your jealous of the relationship with her dad comment

Rubbish

I did above and beyond for my SD she was 6 when we meet a neglected child and I took over the role of her parents
I provided a safe loving home and clothed feed and looked after her needs whilst the parents argued weekly who’s buying what for they’re child I’d sit back and watch no one was so stepped up and did her parents job until SD became rude to me, ignore my polite requests to make her bed tidy throws on sofa and take her cup out and that’s when I became aware all the work I’d put into a relationship with her is wasted
Her mother still puts her last and provides nothing but SD thinks the sunshine sour BM ass and I have gradually emotionally cut back as I don’t think I’ll ever be respects or appreciated so it’s this parents time to step up and parent they’re child.
I don’t dislike her as such I dislike how an 11 year expects ME to do what her parents should but won’t and I never get a Thankyou .

Whilst I completely understand the 'she/he is a child' mentality some people and they are still people are thoroughly unlikeable. If you don't like her that's ok! Just because she's a child/her parents aren't together/ is a teen and that's apparently normal behaviour' doesn't mean you have to like her or her behaviour. I really wish step parents felt able to own how they feel and not be so apologetic about disliking someone who is vile to them.

No one would put up with disrespect, rudeness or downright nastiness in any other walk of life so why is it is so universally expected that step parents suck it up?

What is it about the label 'step child' that gives these kids the right to be so rude?!

Shit zombie!!

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if anyone could relate to this. Im currently in a 5 year relationship and I have a son (7).my partner(man),well we share duties on taking care of my son and he has been helpful in a sense that he brings him toto school for me,he plays occasionally withI him etc. But as my son grows and, starts to be mature well my partner starts to distance himself little by little from him and I asked him if he loved my/our son....he said he loves me but it feels like he doesnt really love my son.it broke my heart because his actions told otherwise.....but I worry that even though he has been kind to my/our son....it could be a problem in future.

I dont know what I should do

I'd start a new thread as this is a very old one, also it isn't a given that your partner should love your son and I think it's an awful lot to ask that he does.

Ok.never saw that that way but its pretty hard to hold a family without mutual feelings.its tolerable.I have been a stepmom myself on my previous relationship and I always thought if I love him I should of course accept and live his daughter since its a person very dear to his heart and if I dont it would drive a knife to seperate his heart in to two.

I can see how annoying this behaviour is but she is just a child. She also knows you hate her. Sounds like a very insecure kid.

I know it’s years later, but I just want to say I get it. I feel like I’m reading my own thoughts and you were not wrong for feeling the way you were feeling. Can I ask (if you read this!), what ended up happening???? Much love xoxo

I think there is a reason that you dislike your DSD. She doesn’t want you there. She is constantly claiming DPs attention, and mean to your son.

Your DP does not parent well and seems fine with letting her do what she likes, and treating her more like a mate.

So that is never going to be a happy place to be. The DSD has been let loose, to do what she likes, including exclude you.

So this is not something that started with you. You did not irrationally just get jealous of a nice girl and you did not just ignore her. You were not the one kissing your DP constantly in front of her or excluding her.

However, you are right to move out. As it’s the DP and DSDs dynamic which is never going to change, you will always feel the bad guy. And because it’s built up, you now feel hate which is not good for you, your son or your DSD. You’ve become part of the bad dynamic. And your level of fustration and hatred seems extreme.

I agree with the poster above, get out, get help, and start to rebuild your life for the sake of your family, your child, who needs a happy Mum.

Hi I have a 13 year old stepson he's is really annoying me he very cheeky lazy and won't do anything except go out with his friends and Xbox when u ask him to do something he gets moody and starts having a go at you I tell him off and take his Xbox off him or ground him and I'm the bad guy even his mother sticks up for him all the time we argue and it's like my stepson loves it while we are arguing he is on his Xbox laughing and joking with his friends like he knows what he's doing my wife she always taking his side and I feel like putting my head through a wall even if he has a go and I don't do anything it's my fault and my daughter is in the middle of this and don't want her learning that she can do the same as my stepson when she gets older

I'm so glad I'm not alone in this. I have a 10 year old step son, have been dating his father for 3 years - we are now engaged which to be honest I'm not completely thrilled about and have been thinking if this is the future that I really want.i'll start by saying that i have tried my hardest to be understanding and make the best of a hard situation. I've taken all the advice i possibly could to create more harmony in the home and stop feeling so irritated and resentful all the time. Step son has adhd and is a complete spoiled brat. Before I came on the scene, his father would spend all his spair time on SS and his whole life revolved around what he wanted to do and where he wanted to eat, etc... He pretty much made the rules and dictated what he wanted. When I started dating his father all of that began to change, and I think he became very jealous there was someone else getting his father's time and attention. now that he has gotten older he has started become very rude, undermining and antagonistic towards me. He deliberately does things he knows will push my buttons such as turning the tv and radio on full blast when i get home, having to ask him 1000 times to so a simple task only to be ignored ( then when his father walks in he immediately gets up and does it), flicking food and Apple cores on the carpet, laughing and refusing to pick it up. Another thing that drives me crazy is that he has to be involved in absolutely EVERYTHING we do and can't fathom us doing something as a couple without him. On the rare occasion we have a Friday or Saturday without him and decide to go fishing, Have a movie night or whatever he turns his annoying whiny voice on and puts the guilt trip on that he "really wants to come" next time. My partner then feels bad and tells him he can come next time. Then he just smirks at me as if he knows exactly what hes doing. Recently I saved up and brought a horse for myself ( we live out in the country). he keeps telling me its 'his' horse and he can ride it whenever he wants. The other day I caught him feeding him alpaca nuts( which I specifically told him not to do, apparently it makes them sick) running after the horse trying to scare him and attempting to ride him without the saddle... I tell my partner who tells him off it he just keeps doing the same stuff, over and over. When he sees me returning home from work he runs down to the horse and starts patting him infront of me (again to deliberately wind me up) and says it's "his" horse, that dad is thinking about giving me lessons to ride and he's "allowed" to. I dont see why he feels the need to be involved in everything and just so needy and irritating all the dam time. My partner does his best to discipline him, we talk often and openly communicate about it, however one thing i havnt been honest about is that i really dislike his son ( yes i said it) some days I just feel so miserable and I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. Step sons mother is also a huge psycho and is very unstable and controlling. I just don't know what to do. Anyway, thanks for listening