When you dislike your step-children for no real reason

[Gerz]

I am currently in the process of moving out with my own DC as I KNOW I am being mean, unreasonable, a bitch etc.
I have also name-changed for the same reason!

I just wonder if anyone can offer a psychological explanation for the way I am feeling towards my step-daughter (13).

When I first met her, I liked her. She seemed quiet and sweet. But the more time I spent with her, the more she would wind me up. She would slag off my son, saying he will be a doley drop out etc and that he will never get a girlfriend because he's too ugly. I put it down to jealousy and tried to let it go but deep down I really started to dislike her.

It's got to the point now where I can't stand her near me. When I hear her bedroom door open, my heart sinks. If she sits near me I have to move away because she always smells awful (never gets a shower). I hate the way she speaks, I hate the way she eats, I hate the way she walks. I get so annoyed when she clings to DP like a two year old and when DP tries to big up something she's done I have to really try hard to hide my lack of interest. The way I see it she's lazy, bitchy and manipulative.

I KNOW I am being unreasonable and for all of our sakes, I am moving out but WHY am I such a nasty step parent? I don't mean to me. She just annoys me so much without even trying to.

I'll never get with anyone with kids again.

Has anyone else ever experienced this? what causes it???

making bitchy comments about her wanting to be close to her father is unpleasant and unnecessary behind her back, but to say it to her face is just cruel and bullying.

Step children are difficult and as a stepmother you find it challenging, who would not but it is the role you chose and deal with it. The child most probably feels that her father is being taken away from her and she reverts to this role for affection and assurance, as her stepmother, have you spent time with her doing girly stuff etc or even met her halfway? If the answer is no, then maybe you need to go back to the drawing board and try again.
This child has her own mind an you will have to try and work with her, if you quit she has won.

Gerz if you're really looking for reasons for your feelings then I strongly recommend reading Step-Monster by Wednesday Martin. I read this recently and it was a revelation - no answers to the problems but a real acknowledgment and explanation of them. It felt like it was written about me and I'm sure an awful lot of step-mums would feel the same.

I would suggest you read it too Colditz as you are either incredibly lucky in your step-family relationships or completely in denial. Either way you seem hell-bent on flaming anyone who comes on here looking for support and appear to have absolutely no understanding of the issues most of us are facing.

Jacqueline - I'm a step parent, and I grew up in a step family. I think the point being made here, is that the father should do some 'proper' parenting, and address his daughter's behaviour. Not to mention her lack of personal hygiene.

It sounds like the father is a DisneyDad, in which case he'd run a mile rather than tackle any of the less savoury elements of parenting. And this seems to be what causes frustration for the OP.

I agree with colditz and I feel very sorry for that child. Why should she be mocked for wanting to be close to her father? It's not a competition, she is his daughter and you are his partner. There isn't even a need for jealousy there as the two relationships are so very different.

But is it normal for a 13yr old to cling to her father like a 2yr old? Again, there's clearly a problem that needs to be addressed, and the OP just wishes her partner would do something positive. As I said on an earlier thread, the majority of us don't have any issues with our step-children, just the lack of parenting that creates/perpetuates these situations.

Who decides what "normal" is? Asking for hugs and wanting affection isn't clinging imo. Why is wanting physical affection from a parent not "normal"? Maybe if the op stopped clearly hating this poor child she would be able to see past the jealousy she clearly feels for the child.

but the point about her eating too much - that's just weird. She got given a decent helping of a family meal - just because the poster and son dont eat so much for other reasons is no reason to pick on how much she does ear.

Objecting to an adult bullying a 13 year old girl in her own home is not synonymous with having no understanding of the issues facing step parents. As I have clearly said in other areas of the step parenting forum, I am a step parent myself .... I cannot imagine holding that much vitriol in my heart for a child.

OP, how would you feel if your partner was posting on a different forum about how irritating, babyish and repulsive your son is? how he clearly has you wrapped around his little finger and you are playing favourites in the house?

Colditz, I really don't think the OP has 'vitriol' towards the child, more like intense frustation towards her partner for failing in his parental duties.

Reading the original message the OP knows she's being unreasonable, but doesn't understand why. The follow-on comments seem to come from the frustration she's feeling. I don't see anywhere she thinks its acceptable hence why she's moving out.

Gerz - Things don't get this bad overnight and I have to wonder what your partner is doing about the situation? He must know there is a problem and know that there has been one for some time - ignoring it I think has made it so much worse, for both you and dd.

Do you think its at all salvagable? Have you talked to your partner, not in terms of how much SD is winding you up, but in terms of how you want to try and make things better, so he doesn't 'tune out'. Or do you think that there is nothing you can do.

It sounds like you and her are both very unhappy. She's a teen, your OH is sticking his head in the sand - really its only you who can make the decision to try and make things change, but if you honestly feel that you can't do this, then you are right to walk away.

Your dsd does sound over-indulged but your fury would be more usefully directed at your dp, who by the sound of things isn't doing a succesful job of parenting or having a loving relationship with you.

IF you still love dp then family counselling might be a way forward for you all.

This is quite an old thread, and the OP is likely to be back with a different name to post about the same issue in another few weeks. That's been the pattern for several months now. Very sad. The best advice has consistently been to leave and register concerns about the young girl with social services.

Being a steparent is so hard. Had I known that my life will become a living hell, I would have never married my husband, although I love him, I have his support and we have great relationship. He was a widower when I met him and his son was almost 9 when we got married. I loved that little kid since I wasn't able to have children of my own.Having him in my life was a dream come true. I took all the reaponsibility as we moved to another country. I felt like we are a family, and was convinced that we will stay that way forever. Everything went well for a couple of years and then my mother in law, who is very controlling woman and my stepson is extremely emotioanlly attached to her, came to visit us. She was rude to me and behaving as she wanted me out of my house. My stepson from that point on started being very resentful, rude and with time situation went out of control. What I have been through, it is hard to describe. Lots of pressure from my husband's family and at home from my stepson. Me and my husband are educated and hard working, we built a beautiful home. In his teenage years my stepson became aggresive at home, yelling, swearing, destroying property, being rude and showing no respect to his father, blaming him for marrying me, telling him that he should have romance outside of the family and that he should listen to his parents. I couldn't believe, I grow him up! Although my husband had to deal with that and with abusive behavuour of his mom, putting a lot of pressure on him, to divorce from me, he was sane enough to stand by my side as he appreciates everything I have done growing up his son. Right before my stepson graduated from high school, totally exhausted of his aggresive behaveour I ended up feeling very sick, having panic attack. I had to take a break, because I wasn't functional anymore. I quit my job, went back to my home country. I just couldn't stay in my own house, I was living in hostage in my own home. Needless to say that at this point I couldn't stand to be near my stepson. I was too afraid of his unpredictible behaveour. Supported by his grandparents he wouldn't allow me and my husband to spent some time together. Going for a groceries with my husband was a disaster, We would come back home just to find him going crazy around the house. I was suffering that he didn't love me (at this point I do not love him the way I did and I am not craving his love either, I am dissapointed). Anyway, while I was away for a couple of months he graduated from high scholl, enrolled at the University. In the meantime I got much better, with the support of my family and my husband got a job in another city. So we sold the house, me and my husband moved on, and my stepson is staying in a dorm at the University. We are covering all of his expenses. I do not dare to talk to him anymore and I am happy to be in another city. But this is not a happy ending though. He is frustrated that his dad is with me, that he didn't manage to ruin our marriage. He is still abusing his dad over the phone, he is still using my husband's family telling them lies so they are very mad at my husband and so on. You would thing that at the age of 18 this should start getting better. But it doesn't. I am happy to be away from him but still think of the trauma I went through and worse of all, I dread to meet with him anytime in the future. Have to mention this though, If you meet him for a short time he appears to be the sweetest and nicest kid ever. But not to me, and not to his dad. And believe me and I know you would, I tried and tried, I tried hard, I tried million times until I fall into pieces myself. But his temper will come out eventually with other people too, I am sure,
I do not want to leave my husband as I love him, we have a great relatonship and he has always been supportive and reasonable. But after the experience of having to leave my own house under pressure, the house I was working hard for, I won't let his son to come to our new home anytime soon. It makes me feel bad, very bad, but at one point I have to protect myself. And now he is 18 and it is time for him to start to control his anger and stop making our lives miserable.
Hope my marriage will survive and hope I will keep my sanity and be able to enjoy the life as I used to.

It is comforting to read your posts. At least you can understand a bit, some of you who have similiar experience. If you have any idea how to destruct myself and enjoy, please help:). Wishing you ladies good luck and first and foremost, take care of yourself first!

I am quite glad this thread has resurfaced. Having huge difficulties with your DSC is not a subject openly discussed in day to day life.
I know as in RL I don't know anyone in a similar situation with the problems I am having.
My DSC live with my DH and us full time which in itself is unusual.

Its not something you can casually bring up in the playground " oh I'm fine apart from the constant animosity, the attitude, the rudeness, the deviousness, the negative attention seeking, and the 100 other little unpleasantries that go on to make my life hellish! - And how has your week been"?

We are attending family counselling because quite frankly I have got to the point where I dislike my stepson to the point that I spend most of the time in his company trying to ignore him without seeming to do so - god forbid I hurt his feelings!

At the moment I cant name a single thing no matter how small that I actually like about him. And the worst of it is, is that I dislike myself for disliking him.
To feel bullied by a nine year old is not nice and I am no walk-over lilly livered parent either.
We have very clear cut rules and boundaries in our home, apparently they don't apply to DSS and he does as he pleases when he pleases.
The worst we can do to him is either shout, be cross, give timeouts, confiscate toys, restrict TV, send him to his room.
None of which he cares about anyway so they have no effect.
There are only 2 things he gives a damn about and those are - his phone calls to his mother and visits to her during holidays. Neither of which we can use as leverage.

The main problem is that he doesn't understand/cant accept why he and his sister cant live with their mother. I think he thinks if he is horrible we will send him to her.
She is deemed unfit to care for them by SS.

Very difficult to try to explain to him that the person who treats him like Little lord Fauntleroy and the apple of her eye, is the one who will do him more harm than good.

This is the first time I've ever posted on a site like this, but I have to say something. I've been doing so much research looking to see if anybody else is in the same kind of situation I am in, and this is the first thread I have found where someone actually admits to how I am feeling in my own relationship too. And I feel so small for it, as if I should know better since I am the adult... but in my particular situation, I feel as if I've been pushed and pushed and pushed so far that there's no turning back on how I feel towards my stepson.

I have been married to my husband for almost 2 years now, in a relationship with him for 3. When we first got together, things were pretty great. I'm not sure if it was the excitement in having a new relationship that kept me blind towards his son, but now I can't stand the child. I can't be in the same room with him without feeling disgusted. It wasn't always like this. It's just been in the last six months that I've felt this way and the feeling only grows more and more as time goes by.

I don't have any children of my own. Everybody keeps telling me I'll feel different when it's my own kids, as if that's supposed to make me feel better about my lack of control with his son. It doesn't. It only makes me feel worse. I've gotten to the point where I'm not even sure I want to have children because of my experiences with him. I feel quite depressed and overwhelmed... and no amount of counselling or prozac seems to help.

His son has, in the past, elbowed me in the stomach more than once. He's smacked across the head. On my wedding day he told me I looked ugly, which really hurt my feelings. And because of all the stress in my life and a surgery I had, I've gained a lot of weight over the last 2 years and he's made fun of my weight issues behind my back. I chalked these up to his anger issues he has and tried to love him through these moments, but his violence has only escalated and it's gotten to where he's even abusive towards his father (who has cancer and is currently on chemo). He's disrespectful towards people, especially women. He's only 12 years old and he's making sexual advances towards the girls in his class, touching them inappropriately and calling them names. He's known as one of the class bullies, and he's extremely disruptive in class. My husband and I have tried to discipline him, but it doesn't seem to help.

On top of that, he abused one of my cats (the other one hates him so much she hisses and hides under the bed anytime he's near). He kicked my cat down the stairs, then tore into her face with his finger nails ripping her furr off. The only way she could defend herself was by biting him directly on the lip since she's declawed. I feel so guilty for that since I wasn't home to defend her or keep her out of harms way. Everybody keeps telling me I have to let that go and get over it, but I can't. Only an animal lover would understand how much my cats mean to me and how much it hurts that I couldn't protect her from this.

He's extremely manipulative and he's turned my in-law's against me saying I do things to him that I've never done and would never do to a living creature. He abuses himself and then says that I did it. He is now threatening the destruction of my family heirlooms, saying he's going to destroy them all.

Quite honestly, I'm done with him. I am so tired and overwhelmed and depressed. I want nothing to do with him at all. I know it makes me sound callous and immature, but there's only so much one human being can take. I'm in an abusive relationship where he's the abuser and I'm the abused.... and I'm not sure how to deal with it except by closing myself off to him completely.

I've gotten to the point where I feel I need to make a decision on whether to stay in this relationship or not. After all, I love my husband so much and we would like to start our own family someday. In 5 years, his son won't be living with us anymore. He'll be old enough to move out and live his own life, but that's still 5 years away. And I don't know if I want to live like this for another 5 years.

nichole I couldn't let your thread go unanswered. What you are going through sounds absolutely awful. You have no reason whatsoever to feel guilty about your feelings.

What does your DH say about his son's behaviour towards you? And what has he done about it? It is so much more than normal sulky behaviour. And as for the abuse of your cats, that's absolutely awful. A child being violent towards animals is a very very bad sign. I have no doubt that he has significant problems which must be addressed. However, you also have yourself to think of, and your are understandabily questionning whether this is a future you want. I don't mean to sound all doom and gloom but when your say another 5 years, I wouldn't bet on it. It's not necessarily the case that your DH's son will move out or change just when he turns 18 (unfortunately there's another poster on here whose 23yo DSS is still causing a lot of problems in her relationship).

I really do wish you the best. Hopefully someone else will be on to advise you

Nichole ... also wanted to reply and say you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Your situation sounds totally horrific and far beyond even the "normality" of difficult step situations. It doesn't sound to me as if what's happening is (simply) down to you being a stepmum and him being a stepchild because the abuse - and it is abuse - points to a very disturbed child. His treatment of your cat, and of his classmates, adds weight to the fact that there is something seriously wrong and I don't think likely that you and your husband would probably be able to get to the bottom of this and/or deal with it without outside help.

I'd be interested to know too how your husband reacts to all this - but appreciate that if he's seriously ill it may be very hard for him to implement effective discipline. However, something has to be done. What is the school's involvement for example ? Has he been referred for any sort of counselling ?

In the meantime though you are living this and I don't blame you one iota for wanting to get out. I agree with Allnew that looking ahead 5 years to him going is extremely optimistic .... how many 17 year olds leave home these days ? Until then, you will go mad - maybe to the point of having a breakdown - if you have to live in fear and my concern is that things could potentially get a lot worse as he gets bigger and stronger. That is no way for anyone to live, and I would also fear for the safety of any children you and your DH may have if this boy is a proven bully and animal abuser.

If you're not prepared to leave yet I think you need to ask for professional help as a last attempt at sorting this out .... from the school and/or your GP even. Obviously you'd then need to be prepared for (potentially) years more of upset and hurt as things are (hopefully) worked through, e.g. in family counselling if you can get it ..... with no guarantee at the end of it unfortunately. I feel so sorry for you, but it may boil down in the end to self preservation, however much you love your husband.

Where's the boy's mother ? ..... and as for these judgemental in laws, do they actually know what's really happening ? Have you told them, has your husband ? What support do they give you ? Do they ever have the boy to give you a break ? How did he come to live with you ? .... has he always lived with his dad, or is it a recent development ?

Awww Nichole - it's so unfair you are going through this. Please please seek some help.

Nichole - I can't really add to what allnew and catsmother have already written, but I just wanted to know where your dbs mother is??

I know my own ds2 had some violent behavioural issues at a similar age, and this was due to fall out from my divorce and his father completely rejecting him but not his elder brother. He's obviously reacting to something, and you're an easy target for him. I'm sure that with some outside help it can be sorted, with counselling, anger management and some help from ss's we certainly managed to sort my son out and he's now a lovely 19yr old.

Nicole, I just wanted to send you some moral support. And to add that I am a cat lover, I almost didn't want to read on when I realised he had hurt your cat.

I can't add to what the other posters have suggested, but this situation cannot continue.

The onus is really on your DP to recognise this behaviour for what it is, and put a stop to it - he'd be doing the right thing by the DSD in doing so. The DSD being more emotionally independant would ultimately benefit her as well as you and your DP. They both need to learn that clinginess is not the same as love. Maybe he doesn't see this? It took me a while to realise what was going on with my DD.

I'm a dad in the early stages of a relationship where there are resident kids on both sides. I recognised in my 4-year-old the same 'need a hug' clingy behaviour as the 14-year-old you mention.

It's probably easier to change this behaviour while kids are young rather than reversing it further down the line. Still, I think it's pretty essential that it's done for everyone's benefit.

Oh, thank you everybody for responding. This is something I've felt alone with for awhile now, and it feels good to talk about it and get some advice.

My stepson's mother is in the picture. She wasn't always. She left my husband when their son was 2 years old and took him with her. My husband got custody of him when he was 7 years old because his mother had a problem with drugs. She wasn't in his life again until I came into the picture. She is, as far as I know, drug free now. He spends every other weekend at her house and we work out specifics on holidays. This is where I think his disrespect of women comes into play because he's so angry with his own mother for the past he experienced while under her care. For awhile there, when he was 10 and 11, she would come over to visit him and he'd revert to acting like a 4 year old. He's suck on his thumb and climb into her lap to be held like a toddler. He'd also talk in a baby voice.

He has no friends. Nobody ever calls him on the phone. He never gets invited anywhere. He won't call anybody on the phone either. When he forgot one of his assignments at school, I suggested he call a classmate and get the assignment from them. He chose to receive an F instead. There is one neighborhood boy who seems to take pity on him once every six months. He'll come over for that afternoon, but when they hang out, my stepson acts like he's half his age, hangs all over this other kid ignoring boundaries, and completely mouthing off at me and his dad in front of this friend as if he thinks being disrespectful to us verbally is cool or something.

We did get him counseling. He was diagnosed with Oppositional Behavioral Disorder and Conduct Disorder. But between his father's chemo and medical bills, the fact that I'm the only one bringing in any money right now, and the economy, we had to cut back on his counseling until we can afford it again. I'm not sure if it was helping or not, but I'm hoping once his dad's chemo is done we can afford to send him back. I'm going to contact his school and see if he can see a therapist there in the meantime.

As for how his dad is handling all of this? It's very stressful on him. He wants to see the best in his child, but when he finds these things out he blames himself for not being a good enough parent. I try to tell him that it's not his fault. He had no control over his son's formative years, and with being sick, he's done as good as one can hope for. We used to argue and fight a lot over what his son was doing to me. It took him experiencing it for himself for him to realize what I've been going through on a daily basis for the last 3 years. He's taken on more of a parenting role towards my stepson because for awhile there I was the only one disciplining him... and it's hard to discipline a opossum when you were raised a raccoon. :)

Anyhow, I feel so much better just typing this out. It feels like loads have been lifted off my shoulders just doing so. Thank you for listening to me!

nichole471 you sound amazing. You have so much to deal with and your DSS is lucky that you are in his life. You say you can't stand him yet you've done so much for him. I really hope you can get the help you need in RL becuase what you're talking about is way beyond the spectrum of "normal" or acceptable behaviour. He has had a lot to deal with in his early years but if he gets good counselling there is definately hope for him as he is now in a safe home.
Whether or not you stay in that home is up to you - only you know how much you can take. But you absolutely have nothing to feel guilty about.