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Step-parenting

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Original poster

applying for residence order and parental responsibility for me (stepmum) - mother going nuts!

225 replies

ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 19:06

hello
sigh.. sorry, another post (have only just come across this site in the last few days and cant seem to stay away right now!).
Anyway... DH and I are applying for a residence order for his son who has come to live with us and wants to stay (and we want him to stay too!). All happy there. He is 14 and very clear that he doesnt want to go back and live with his mum.
We are making a joint application so that I would also have parental responsibility. This is because DH often abroad for work and it means that practical stuff for son can be dealt with by me if necessary, e.g. signing school/medical forms, without me having to find the mother and get her to sign.
So we thought it would all be a matter of course but...
the mother now going apopleptic with rage saying she doesnt give a f*ck that he lives with us but that she absolutely wont allow ME to have any "legal rights" over the son and will fight tooth and nail as she "doesnt trust me".
Not quite sure how I feel about that, given that I have been his stepmother for years and we have a great relationship! Also if she is happy for me to care for him, then why the big issue over any parental responsibility?
I guess this means she will contest. I dont have a problem with that personally but think this may cause anxiety to the son who may have to go through interviews etc with cafcass as a result.
In addition I'm thinking... any lawyer would ask questions about why she is so adamant and would advise her to forget about it? She basically chucked him out and took his key off him - I'm not sure her view about parental responsibility would really holds much value in the eyes of the court? (although of course she is still his mother).
any thoughts or advice out there? Anyone else been through this? and if so, my sympathies!!

OP posts:
mjinhiding · 21/07/2010 09:54

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
ladydeedy · 21/07/2010 09:55

and may I add, much as she wont like that, imagine how her son feels having been thrown out by his own mother, having his key taken back and being phoned by her saying she will "force" him to return.
He doesnt like that much either, I can tell you.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladydeedy · 21/07/2010 09:57

Thanks mjinhiding. I am learning a lot about people's different perceptions, that's for sure!

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 21/07/2010 09:59

The mother's feelings about the situation have no bearing on the outcome.

It is all down to what is best for the lad. Why should the stepmum give so much more consideration to the feelings of the bio mum more than her stepson's welfare?

"Yuk. Have you no heart?"

She has no allegiance to the natural mother. She is married to the lad's father. She is supporting the natural father in formalising a living arrangement for her stepson. She must have the support of her DH in order for this to proceed. Why so keen to flame the OP?

ilovemydogandMrObama · 21/07/2010 10:01

He has been living with you for a few weeks and you are going to court?

Original poster
ladydeedy · 21/07/2010 10:02

We are applying for a residence order yes.

OP posts:
mjinhiding · 21/07/2010 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Sweeedes · 21/07/2010 10:59

He's 14, he's been living with you for a few weeks, his mum is depressed and you are going to court to get residency?

Original poster
ladydeedy · 21/07/2010 11:02

Well I'm certainly not necessarily going to be advised by some of the people on here!
If the mother choses to contest the application, that is her choice and her right.
We'll see if she actually does. She has every right to do so of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladydeedy · 21/07/2010 11:03

Sweeedes, yes, you've got it.

OP posts:
Sweeedes · 21/07/2010 11:05

Ladydeedy - So he's 14, fallen out with his mum, he's been living with you for a few weeks and you are about to start residency proceedings AND apply for PR?

Nice.

jeee · 21/07/2010 11:07

ladydeedy, you obviously see the PR as a big thing (as a lot of posters here have pointed out, you don't really need it). So can't you accept that your DSS's mum also sees the PR as a big thing?

DuelingFanjo · 21/07/2010 11:10

"Well I'm certainly not necessarily going to be advised by some of the people on here"

why did you ask for advice then?

Original poster
ladydeedy · 21/07/2010 11:13

It's a long long story and he's been very unhappy there for the past two years at least. It's not an isolated incident. He's also been selfharming due to the anxiety he's been experiencing around her erratic behaviour and never knowing when/if she is going to start bullying him again.
NB the selfharming has stopped since moving out.
Our concern is for him.
You seem to have some problem about that and think our main concern should be for the mother. I'd be interested to know what your own experience has been, to make you view things in that way?

OP posts:
ilovemydogandMrObama · 21/07/2010 11:15

But the family court process is not like small claims court where you put in an application, there's a hearing and the judge makes a decision. You know that, right? It's just that some of your language is quite adversarial and it's really in your DSS's best interests that an amicable arrangement can be arrived at. You will be offered mediation, and most likely a CAFCASS report before it goes to court.

Is there really a reason to go to court? If there is an issue with the school for instance, could you and DSS mom agree a letter? her giving permission for you to pick him up?

Original poster
ladydeedy · 21/07/2010 11:17

To be clear, I came on here to get the view of people who have been through this situation themselves and to get an understanding of their experience and any learnings from them.

I'm not looking for advice from people who have not been in this sitaution or who seem to believe that this is some kind of personal vendetta against the boy's mother.

I dont see the PR thing as a big thing necessarily, but something as an adjunct to the residence order. It seems logical if the boy is living with us and we are therefore both caring for him and acting as parents, then PR rolls into that. I do understand that it is not vital, but that it is helpful when certain issues arise that others - who have been in this same situation - have experienced.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladydeedy · 21/07/2010 11:19

It's not about picking him up from school - that is one example I gave from years ago when he was at primary school.

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 21/07/2010 11:20

You know reading the OP original post it is actually the natural mother who is creating all the fuss here. The only reason she is raging angry is because another woman is applying to make her parenting position formal within the lad's life. Smacks of plain territorial jealousy.

There is no logical reasoning behind her rage, no concern for her child, just pure rage.

It is that behaviour that should be examined as to whether it is best for the child not the natural father and stepmum who are trying to do what is best for his emotional welfare and security.

The tone of this thread is trying to get the OP to feel sorry for the EXW and back off the PR application, trying to minimalise the effect of PR on one hand yet maintaining it is a big thing for the natural mum on the other.

Children are not our possessions. They are human beings and just because you give birth to a child does not necessarily make you the best caregiver for that child.

There really is a lot of ignorance in relation to this subject.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 21/07/2010 11:28

Some people have a wealth of experience in child issues here, but you seem to only want to listen to what you want to hear.

Wish you luck.

Original poster
ladydeedy · 21/07/2010 11:31

Yeah, maybe you're right.
Fruitysunshine, you have captured and articulated my thoughts on this whole story exactly. Thank you.

OP posts:
Sweeedes · 21/07/2010 11:41

So he's 14, he's fallen out with his depressed mother, he's been living with you for a few weeks, his mother is very upset and you want to go to court to get residency, you want PR.

I honestly don't think you are helping this child at all.

Original poster
ladydeedy · 21/07/2010 11:43

You are entitled to your opinion on this situation, Sweeedes. Thanks.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 21/07/2010 12:41

ladydeedy to come back to what I wrote about his Mum's opinion/thoughts (all speculation of course) - I didn't say her opinion/thoughts was right, far from it, but that is possibly the scenario she has painted in her head IYSWIM and that is why she may have reacted the way she has - not with logic but with an emotional one.

The emotions that you have for your children are not logical ones, well at least mine aren't always logical - they are deep seated emotional reactions, it's what you do with them that can have a huge impact on those around you.

Original poster
ladydeedy · 21/07/2010 13:20

Yes I entirely agree Cargirl.
It's what she is doing with those emotions and how they are dominating her behaviour that is causing harm and blinding her to the reality.
I can understand it - it doesnt meant it is right though.

OP posts:
FioFio · 21/07/2010 13:31

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