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Step-parenting

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Original poster

applying for residence order and parental responsibility for me (stepmum) - mother going nuts!

225 replies

ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 19:06

hello
sigh.. sorry, another post (have only just come across this site in the last few days and cant seem to stay away right now!).
Anyway... DH and I are applying for a residence order for his son who has come to live with us and wants to stay (and we want him to stay too!). All happy there. He is 14 and very clear that he doesnt want to go back and live with his mum.
We are making a joint application so that I would also have parental responsibility. This is because DH often abroad for work and it means that practical stuff for son can be dealt with by me if necessary, e.g. signing school/medical forms, without me having to find the mother and get her to sign.
So we thought it would all be a matter of course but...
the mother now going apopleptic with rage saying she doesnt give a f*ck that he lives with us but that she absolutely wont allow ME to have any "legal rights" over the son and will fight tooth and nail as she "doesnt trust me".
Not quite sure how I feel about that, given that I have been his stepmother for years and we have a great relationship! Also if she is happy for me to care for him, then why the big issue over any parental responsibility?
I guess this means she will contest. I dont have a problem with that personally but think this may cause anxiety to the son who may have to go through interviews etc with cafcass as a result.
In addition I'm thinking... any lawyer would ask questions about why she is so adamant and would advise her to forget about it? She basically chucked him out and took his key off him - I'm not sure her view about parental responsibility would really holds much value in the eyes of the court? (although of course she is still his mother).
any thoughts or advice out there? Anyone else been through this? and if so, my sympathies!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 21:29

3seater, apparently not unless residence order applied for in joint names which is what we have done for that very reason.
hence why we understood it to be straightforward.

OP posts:
3seater · 20/07/2010 21:30

Ah, I see you want to apply for residence as well as your DH.

Original poster
ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 21:31

exactly right Silverfrog.
years ago I went to collect stepson from after school club. Ex had told them not to release him to me (even though he was staying with us on his regular Wednesday night). Husband was abroad but due back later that evening. He had already informed school that I would collect but they said they were not allowed to let me collect.
Child wanted to come with me but school would not release him.
I had to leave him there!
needless to say school phoned ex to say he was left there on his own and she had to come and collect him and she wasnt happy with that either!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 21:33

3seater, yes we are applying for residence order and the PR bit for me is incidental (or at least, we thought it was!)

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 20/07/2010 21:36

i just asked dd1 and when she was at her dad's living - her sm just signed everyting for her, which was what i thought happened

i had no idea that it would be any other way or that the sm would or could apply for pr

would probably been easier if you had kept stum and just got on with things - like me she would have problably never reaslised

Sweeedes · 20/07/2010 21:37

LadyDeedy - Do you have any experience of parenting teens?

3seater · 20/07/2010 21:38

Might seem a bit airy fairy, but could you all go for a family therapy session or two, or some kind of mediation together? Maybe if you could build bridges it would help?

silverfrog · 20/07/2010 21:38

that's what I did for a while, ivykaty, before dh's ex instructed school I was not to be spoken to.

I totally agree, btw, that if all parties are getting on ok, and al lare acting in the best interests of the child then applying for PR for step-parents is unnecessary.

But sadly, the world doesn't always work that way.

MsHighwater · 20/07/2010 21:39

I don't think ladydeedy comes across as rude at all. After all, she actually knows the people concerned. While we might like to assume that the boy's mother would only have his best interests at heart, none of us actually has any grounds for certainty about it. silverfrog gives a very good example of a situation where PR would almost certainly have clarified matters. Some posts are verging on personal abuse, which is surely uncalled-for.

Original poster
ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 21:42

Sweeedes, well I have been "parenting" the two children since they were 3 and 5 if you want to look at it like that. Every other weekend, one or two nights a week plus 6 - 8 weeks holiday time per year. I guess that's reasonable exposure.
3seater, we suggested mediation but ex refused.
Have we reached an impasse, do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 21:43

(thanks MsHighwater)

OP posts:
CarGirl · 20/07/2010 21:45

It does sound like a bit of an impasse sadly.

Have you already seen cafcass or not?

ivykaty44 · 20/07/2010 21:45

Mshighwater - but I do you see, I felt it eeded saying as if she doesn't realsie that some people find her rude and it may not be helping the situation. It was an observation of possible changing tack in her tone to try to help.

of course she may not talk or have anything to do with the mother - I don't know, but if it was me she would be winding me up - I have tried to be honest and give my view.

3seater · 20/07/2010 21:50

I think it all depends on your stepson, is it important to him to feel that he 'belongs' to you too?
Does he understand on what you having residency & PR woudl mean?
If it is what he wants (and has done for a while) then I would go for it.

Original poster
ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 21:50

Cafcass havent been in touch yet but I guess they will soon.

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harverina · 20/07/2010 21:54

ladydeedy I understand your reasons for seeking parental responsibility. IME, many children, particularly older ones, would prefer their carers to have parental responsibility as it gives them a sense of security, particularly if their relationship with their real parents has been difficult.

Is his mother actively involved in his life? Does she contibute to his care in a positive way? Is she around to make decisions with her son? If not then I can see every reason for you to seek parental responsibility if your stepson wants you to. If she is actively involved in his life in a positive way, there would be no reason for you to seek parental responsibility.

CarGirl · 20/07/2010 21:55

When you speak to cafcass all you can do is raise what is troubling your dss and what your concerns are and that your are open to their suggestions to the best way forward. After all cafcass will make recommendations and the judge will often follow them.

Original poster
ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 22:02

Thanks. All sound advice for which I thank you.
And yes, as I have been married to his dad for as long as he can remember, my stepson does consider me his "parent" and would like that security of knowing that he is "officially" with us.
His mother has not been interested or involved in his day to day life for some time, so this is why I dont understand her reaction.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 20/07/2010 22:05

ladydeedy she is probably feeling like she did the brunt of the work for some years and put up with loads of sh*t from him and is now taking it very very personally that he wants to live with his Dad who abadoned them!

Not saying this is what happened but to her it may feel like that is what has happened. Also how would she feel like handing it all over without fighting it? Like she doesn't care, she doesn't count?????

It's probably not a rational reaction just an emotional one.

Sweeedes · 20/07/2010 22:09

Yuk at "officially with us". That's precisely the sort of language that's going to cause problems.

Sweeedes · 20/07/2010 22:15

By the way, I'm not a step parent.

Greensleeves · 20/07/2010 22:17

I bet your stepson couldn't give a monkeys whether you have PR on paper or not, he just wants you all to get on with life and let him get on with his

why do you want PR? Really? You don't need it

and it's ludicrous to inply that you don't understand her objections, that she is a useless mother anyway so what difference will it make etc..

You know damn well why she objects. Because she is his mother, and you are not. This is one of the most hurtful things you could do to her, as I'm sure you're aware.

MsHighwater · 20/07/2010 22:18

ivykaty44, I think you might be projecting feelings you have experienced about your own situation onto ladydeedy's story. Me, I thought you came across as aggressive.

I can actually understand that the mother might be just as difficult as ladydeedy describes and still have an instinctive emotional objection to her son's stepmother having PR. If ladydeedy has underestimated the mother's reaction she would not be the first person to fail to anticipate how someone else will behave in a given situation.

ivykaty44 · 20/07/2010 22:50

I was trying to explain form my own situation - as I have a little knowledge of the situation, I think it is hostility rather than aggression as I don't like what ladydee is doing

But as ladydee says this person has always been so difficult so I don't think there was much doubt that the situation could well go wrong

Original poster
ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 22:51

Greensleeves, yes she is his mother. I of course fully acknowledge that. We are not trying to take that away from her in any way.

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