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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

applying for residence order and parental responsibility for me (stepmum) - mother going nuts!

225 replies

ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 19:06

hello
sigh.. sorry, another post (have only just come across this site in the last few days and cant seem to stay away right now!).
Anyway... DH and I are applying for a residence order for his son who has come to live with us and wants to stay (and we want him to stay too!). All happy there. He is 14 and very clear that he doesnt want to go back and live with his mum.
We are making a joint application so that I would also have parental responsibility. This is because DH often abroad for work and it means that practical stuff for son can be dealt with by me if necessary, e.g. signing school/medical forms, without me having to find the mother and get her to sign.
So we thought it would all be a matter of course but...
the mother now going apopleptic with rage saying she doesnt give a f*ck that he lives with us but that she absolutely wont allow ME to have any "legal rights" over the son and will fight tooth and nail as she "doesnt trust me".
Not quite sure how I feel about that, given that I have been his stepmother for years and we have a great relationship! Also if she is happy for me to care for him, then why the big issue over any parental responsibility?
I guess this means she will contest. I dont have a problem with that personally but think this may cause anxiety to the son who may have to go through interviews etc with cafcass as a result.
In addition I'm thinking... any lawyer would ask questions about why she is so adamant and would advise her to forget about it? She basically chucked him out and took his key off him - I'm not sure her view about parental responsibility would really holds much value in the eyes of the court? (although of course she is still his mother).
any thoughts or advice out there? Anyone else been through this? and if so, my sympathies!!

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 20/07/2010 19:11

does she have to agree to it,and sign to say so?

Gigantaur · 20/07/2010 19:15

unless he was in need of urgent medical surgery i can't see what you would need to sign that woul require PR rather than just being signed as a guardian.

Do you really need PR?

I think it is an argument you can do without.

I understand why you think it is no big deal but actually it is.

Original poster

ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 19:18

It's just to make it easier for the son as DH is away quite often.
I'm not sure how one becomes a "guardian" - do I just say that I am?
my understanding of PR is that it's a case of "adding" one more parent from the point of view of it being official. It doesnt take anything away from his mother.
I am happy for her to contest and pay for it - I just think she is nuts to do so and puts unnecessary anxiety on to the boy.

OP posts:

Gigantaur · 20/07/2010 19:23

To be honest i think that is yourself and your DH that are putting the anxiety there.

He has left his mum and wants to stay with you. His mum doesn't want him back and is happy for him to live with you.

why is there a need to go to court at all?

If he is living with you as a member of your family then you can sign as his guardian.
It just means that if there is an accident or anything you can't sue the school or whatever, as someone acting as a parent/guardian has agreed to him doing whatever it is you have signed for.

I think you need to stop over thinking and over formalising things. It just causes trouble for troubles sake.

Original poster

ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 19:27

Actually part of the reason is so that he knows where he stands and give him some certainty, as his mum keeps phoning him and saying she can "force" him to return whenever she likes as she is his "legal guardian"(when he doesnt want to go back of course).
She's changing her mind every couple of days and he needs some assurance about the future.
Thanks for your input though.

OP posts:

autodidact · 20/07/2010 19:30

Agree with Giganteur. Psychologically it is of massive importance to officially add another parent to your child's life. Not sure how I'd feel about it in her position but probably not great. And in some ways the worse she is getting along with her boy the more horrible it could be to agree to it. She probably desperately doesn't want a competent, loving mother figure in his life when she is failing so badly to fill that role. One who is competent, loving AND living with her ex is probably even worse! She may be justifying the whole thing by thinking that he needs his Dad right now...

mosschops30 · 20/07/2010 19:31

parental responsibility can be shared by any number of people, your dh will have it I assume, or if not, it comes with the residence order.
I dont really understand why you need PR, it seems like you are just getting her back up for no real reason.
He is living with you and happy with you, whats the problem.
Also a doctor will make a decision on major emergency surgery etc, its not like they wont do anything until someone with PR turns up

Original poster

ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 19:37

Well, we're acting on the advice of a solicitor (a relative, who specialises in this stuff, so we are not being charged and they are not gaining anything by it).
I can understand why the mother is not happy. Just hope she calms down and realises that there is no point contesting.
Yes DH has PR.

OP posts:

autodidact · 20/07/2010 19:43

Why is there no point in her contesting?

Gigantaur · 20/07/2010 19:45

I think that a judge will look at it and say that as you live with the father there is no real reason for you to have PR other than to cause a rift.

I think she has every right, and a very good chance of winning, if she contests.

Original poster

ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 19:46

ok! Well I look forward to seeing how that will all pan out.
thanks all

OP posts:

callalilies · 20/07/2010 19:47

I expect she is feeling very insecure as a mother at the moment, and from that point of view giving you PR would only add to that. I don't know anything about the legal stuff but is it really really necessary? So necessary that you'd put your DH's son through legal hearings or whatever?

Gigantaur · 20/07/2010 19:48

Original poster

ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 19:51

Yes she probably is feeling very insecure at the moment.
That's not our problem though is it?
She chucked him out. Frankly she has been a terrible mother to him and she hates him (has told me so herself).
We'll see what happens.

OP posts:

ruddynorah · 20/07/2010 19:51

you don't need it. it's quite antagonistic that you would suggest it actually, in an already difficult situation.

the child has father, and a mother. they have parental responsibility.

autodidact · 20/07/2010 19:54

You don't sound like you're putting your stepson first here, I'm afraid. If you really love him, you should probably back down if his mother is really not happy about this and unlikely to change her mind. He will be caught in the middle and that is never good for children.

ruddynorah · 20/07/2010 19:56

''Well I look forward to seeing how that will all pan out.''

do you see how vile that is OP?

JumpinJackFlash · 20/07/2010 19:57

PR means diddly squat IME anyway. If she is going to be around to have an input in the things that PR are about (school, religion, health) then there's no need for you to have it. I really wouldn't bother insisting on having it at this stage.

Original poster

ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 20:02

thank you all for your input.

OP posts:

callalilies · 20/07/2010 20:03

I think her feeling insecure very much is your problem tbh. Because her feeling insecure and defensive will make things worse for your DH's son and her contesting this will put him through more stress and upset. And I hope you would consider that to be your problem?

So unless it's really really necessary, knowing it will a) cause stress for your DH's son and b) worsen the relationship you and your DH have with the mother, why push it, other than to make some kind of point?

ivykaty44 · 20/07/2010 20:09

I think you will find that is an operation needed to be done and it was an emegencey the operation would be done on a 14 year old child/teen

if you want to have parental responsability and it was my dc - I would contest - simple as and I would state that as a parnet and living in this country there was no need for you to have parental responsability - I am of sound mind.

why not act as - can't remeber the phrase but parneal locum soemthing

it is what you give the school when the dc go on school trips abroad etc

I did that when I went abroad for my dad - as my two stayed with him and my ex travels aborad

it is just a letter and signed for the dates

TBH I think you are kcicking a hornets nest and you will get a lot of grief and hassel through your own stirring - as that is going to be how this mother sees you

CarGirl · 20/07/2010 20:11

Presumably your DH could write a formal letter that is witnessed by a solicitor giving you the authority to make decisons etc in an emergency in his absence. In an emergency situation should they not be able to get hold of his Mum then they would accept that.

When I was in the same situation the solicitor told us that I would have assumed guardianship of dsd in such an emergency and we didn't need anything in writing.

Original poster

ladydeedy · 20/07/2010 20:13

Message(s) understood.
Quite honestly I had no idea that this would cause such a reaction and my understanding from our legal friend/rellie is that applying for PR as a stepparent with resident stepchildren is relatively common and not a big deal. It appears that it is! (to some).

OP posts:

ninah · 20/07/2010 20:17

it's a big deal to his mother and you know that it is
Your dh has pr, that's enough
I'm sure he carries his mobile abroad if emergencies arise

gemmummy · 20/07/2010 20:19

Some of you on here just love to be a bit mean. OP is not vile. Not one of you has said anything nice or supportive. That's vile. I think she does have dss's best interests at heart actually, but is maybe a bit naive. No need for the pure venom some of you old harpies spout.

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