Could fostering be right for you?

[MaddyMumsnet]

Fostering is needed more than ever in the UK. Due to a shortage of local council foster carers, 1 in 5 children are moved more than 20 miles away from home, often meaning time away from their school, friends and wider family. Yet many people still assume fostering is only for certain types of families, or that you need a very specific lifestyle. The truth is, fostering looks different for different households, and you might be more suitable than you realise.

We've invited Linda Zieba, who fosters for her local council which is part of Fostering South West, to answer your questions about what fostering involves, who can foster, and how the process works. You might be wondering
– Who can foster, and what really matters when councils assess suitability?
– Can I foster if I work full-time, have children, or have other commitments?
– What types of fostering placements are there, and how much choice do carers have?
– What support is available, both financially and emotionally?
– How do I explore fostering without feeling pressured?
Ask your question below and Linda will answer. No question is too small – if it’s on your mind, it’s probably on someone else’s too.

About the Expert:
Linda Zieba has over 45 years of experience working with children. She began her teaching career in London in 1980 and moved to Gloucester in 2000. In 2008, following her divorce, Linda became a foster carer for teenagers while continuing to teach full-time and raising her daughter as a single parent. For the past 15 years, she has been fostering with her local council, providing short breaks, short-term placements, and emergency care.

💬 Post your question here and get expert advice on whether fostering could be right for you.
Everyone who posts on this thread with a question for Linda by the 17th of Jan, will be entered into a prize draw to win a £100 voucher. T&Cs apply.

Hmm not my experience we are expected to take children with us on every holiday. I don't think I know any foster carers who don't, not if they have other children in the home anyway as that would seem rather mean.
Different I suppose to say you're going away for a grown ups only break occasionally. We've not been offered respite in 10 years.

Agree we don't have this either. We had a 'buddy' who came and had a cuppa with us once..

You are heavily encouraged to have a 'support network' from friends and family who need to be DBS checked and are expected to call on them if you need help so you don't bother social services.

I'm my LA you are expected to do all transportation to and from contact centres throughout the week. Because the council have had to cost cut and close some down it often means driving across the other side of the city in rush hour traffic. Possibly with a screaming baby who you couldn't allow to finish all of their bottle because you cannot be late to contact.

You need to be able to be empathetic and non judgemental and able to form appropriate working relationships with birth families as you will be completing handovers with their child at the contact centre.

They will sometimes try to emotionally manipulate you into supervising contact with birth families out in the community in long term placements with no safety net which for various valid reasons you won't want to do, they want you to do this to save them money and will call you in for a meeting with managers to try to strong arm you. You have to learn to stand up for yourself and the children.

You will have professionals (eg.child guardian) who phone you and ask if they can come to see you that day, if you're busy and ask if they can come the following day they will guilt trip you and say that they have to follow statutory time scales and are running out of time (because they're disorganised and didn't bother to phone you and give you a normal amount of time like they would with other professionals) after all you're just the foster carer and often the last to be told important information.

You have to be organised and used to keeping track of important meetings and appointments and chasing things up via phone or email.

I love it really on the whole, but just think it's best people are informed.

I have never been sent a profile about a child they might want me to foster. I have had a phone call and am expected to answer on that phone call if I can take the child/ren. So have had very limited information about them other than their age. The information has tended to be given to me at the same time as the child is handed over, or later.

And yes to them guilt tripping you about letting SWs etc come to visit the children at home that same day. And meetings can be cancelled at the drop of a hat by SWs but if you contact them with a few days’ notice asking to move the date of a meeting you’re made to feel you’re being a nuisance.

When I fostered a baby, in the first few weeks before a proper family time schedule was put in place I never used to know when or where family time was going to be. On some days I got a phone call saying ‘can you bring her to the other side of town in an hour and stay to supervise?’ Which as a non driver, with my own child to find care for, was very awkward!

@carconcerns @Iloveagoodnap

100% my experience as well. @ExpertLinda with all due respect, I think your experience is somewhat of an outlier.

Amol Rajin’s podcast last week reflects the written experience of many posters here

Yes my experience too for the 23 children I have fostered, not one profile for them. Very basic information over the phone, often from a duty SW.

Also my experience, we have taken all our children on holiday with us. My LA would be unlikely to plan anything very far in advance as they prefer to assume that the children would have moved on to permanence rather than still be with us months down the line. (We are short-term carers)

No trained counsellors here either. Imo new foster carers are really thrown in the deep end, little support, they become very disillusioned so quickly and many quit.
We have a buddy system, but it's not formal mentoring, there is no system or evaluation of it. It's 'check in once a month with your buddy and try and encourage them to go to support groups'

I have gone away for weekends with friends, as has my husband, with the other of us staying behind to look after the children. But family holidays they come with us. I do know of foster carers who insist on having, and get, 2 weeks respite a year for a break from the children. Personally I think if you can cope with the children without respite then that’s better for the children. But obviously if you’re on your knees then a break might be in everyone’s best interests.

There is talk of a buddy system in our LA but I never got one and I have also never been asked to be one despite having fostered for several years.

Our LA pay an additional (small) fee each week for 'fostering leave'. The idea is that you put the money aside for when you need a break. If you go away without the children, you do not get paid your usual allowance.

I think it's s good thing for many fostering families to havee some time apart.

Thank you. I would be interested to know if you had considered adopting any of the children you have fostered (that were eligible for adoption)?
And if not, what are the reasons?

@Newyearawaits you have quoted my post there. Was your question aimed at me as well?

Oops, sorry for any confusion.
General question and please feel free to comment, as required.
A family friend did this :adopted a 7 year old child with a very traumatic past who she had previously fostered

Not everyone wants to be a parent, or may have enough children of their own.

Why do you not foster care long term?

Hi @Benjaminjamesandgraham. There is a 6 - 8 month process before you become approved as a carer. In this time you would be given training. Once approved, you would be sent profiles of potential young people needing care. You can reject any that you feel would not match your circumstances. This would provide you with a lot more information on an individual. There is a huge amount of training available for specific needs such as eating disorders and self harm for example. In your first year you would be given a mentor who would be on the end of the phone at any time, plus you would have your own social worker during office hours.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cpwngvlzgg4o

I've just read this. Clearly the government are worried there aren't enough foster carers and want to make it 'easier for people to work full time and still foster'.

It feels like they are missing the point. If not enough people want to be foster carers, they should pay them more and then maybe more people would sign up.

Foster carer for a very long time with very little support from the authorities and very complex cases. The children and caring was very rewarding but working with social workers was soul destroying and we ended up delusioned and burnt out.
I would find it very hard to recommend as it does take over your life and can ruin it.
Foster Carer for 25 years
Now off to name change

I have though of this as no spare room.
Would they allow foster child to have bedroom and adult sleeps in the lounge. This is what I did when my children were all living at home and we still have the sofa bed there.

Agree a baby can share but the baby will grow up, what age does child need their own room?

My LA says the policy is up to 2yo can share in carer's bedroom. However I have known a 4yo and 2yo sib sharing in carer's bedroom, they didn't have a spare room and had been with carer for two years before moving to adoption.
My LA have asked carers if other room in their house can be used as bedrooms, so possibly would be okay with you not having your own room. You'd have to get your assessing social worker fully on board, if they see it as an obstacle it wouldn't be easy to get past any objections.

What percentage if foster placements break down and why do you think that is?

Hi @ohdannyboy . Them are many different fostering opportunities and you do not have to be a full time foster carer. There is a 6 - 8 month process before you become approved. In that time, you would have the opportunity to discuss your availability and preferences.

Hi @Geenie1207 . I would recommend that people have pets when they foster. There is a pet questionnaire you will need to fill out to check suitability. My daughter had a pet snake and we still fostered! 😁