Could fostering be right for you?

[MaddyMumsnet]

Fostering is needed more than ever in the UK. Due to a shortage of local council foster carers, 1 in 5 children are moved more than 20 miles away from home, often meaning time away from their school, friends and wider family. Yet many people still assume fostering is only for certain types of families, or that you need a very specific lifestyle. The truth is, fostering looks different for different households, and you might be more suitable than you realise.

We've invited Linda Zieba, who fosters for her local council which is part of Fostering South West, to answer your questions about what fostering involves, who can foster, and how the process works. You might be wondering
– Who can foster, and what really matters when councils assess suitability?
– Can I foster if I work full-time, have children, or have other commitments?
– What types of fostering placements are there, and how much choice do carers have?
– What support is available, both financially and emotionally?
– How do I explore fostering without feeling pressured?
Ask your question below and Linda will answer. No question is too small – if it’s on your mind, it’s probably on someone else’s too.

About the Expert:
Linda Zieba has over 45 years of experience working with children. She began her teaching career in London in 1980 and moved to Gloucester in 2000. In 2008, following her divorce, Linda became a foster carer for teenagers while continuing to teach full-time and raising her daughter as a single parent. For the past 15 years, she has been fostering with her local council, providing short breaks, short-term placements, and emergency care.

💬 Post your question here and get expert advice on whether fostering could be right for you.
Everyone who posts on this thread with a question for Linda by the 17th of Jan, will be entered into a prize draw to win a £100 voucher. T&Cs apply.

Foster carers are not the parents and don't have any of the rights of a parent. The children are the responsibility of their corporate parent, the LA, who pays for their care. Parenting and fostering are not really comparable.

And parents quite rightly should be responsible for that.

But fostering is a job, isn't it?

The parents don't have a financial responsibility for their children while they're looked after by the local authority, is that what you mean?

I was thinking more along the lines of the Foster carers taking on the role of parenting whilst in their care

I was thinking more along the lines of the Foster carers taking on the role of parenting whilst in their care

But it's a job, which should be paid-like the state pays teachers and nurses and doctors, otherwise nobody will want to do it.

🤣🤣🤣

Amol Rajan's Radical podcast features a foster carer in his latest episode. Anyone thinking of getting into foster care would be wise to listen. She reiterates everything foster carers on this thread (and those of us who have experienced it vicariously through others) have said.

Not enough money. Not enough support. Not enough respect for foster carers.

I’ve thought about fostering for the last few years, and now my children are both teenagers it seemed like a good time to take it more seriously but this thread has made me definitely rethink! I think I am incredibly naive but I wanted to help a child, to support a child with their journey but obviously I have a very simplified view. My question would be (but I don’t think I will be answered) I don’t have experience of behavioural difficulties would I get the support and advice how to best to support a foster child, my worry would be causing more trauma or distress?

I am overweight (BMI of 52). Can I foster?

As a local authority foster carer for the last 3 years this been really interesting thread to read! Lots of what has been said is true in our experience - social workers are often overworked, support can be less than ideal and (at least in our case) the children you look after have both additional needs and trauma. We've had to fight our fair amount of bureaucracy, confusion etc and the system can often feel broken and underfunded.

However I can honestly say it's been the single most rewarding and important thing we've ever done. The children we've looked after have thrived and given so much back to us. We've loved getting to know them and help them and they've each become such important parts of our families. All three children we've looked after are still in regular contact with us and we play some role in their lives (and hope to forever).

Yes it can be hard, but I really wouldn't let that put you off trying. We didn't have any experience dealing with additional needs or trauma, but through the training we had and the support given through psychologists we were able to give the right care and support.

Until you hear their stories it can be quite hard to comprehend just how hard the lives and situations children have entered care from. Which means providing a supporting and loving home on it's own can make such a difference. We didn't do this, but you don't have to jump right into a full time placement and there are options to provide respite care or do emergency placements that might provide a slightly softer introduction.

No specific question to ask and I appreciate our perspective is not that of everyone's who fosters but thought it helpful to share!

When are some of these questions going to be answered, @MaddyMumsnet ?

I currently have eight children living in my home - seven permanently, the other temporarily. Five of my children were adopted through fostering, and I have fostered over five other children previously. For my two biological children, my daughter was four when I began fostering, and she adapted/understood immediately, while my son it took quite a bit of explaining. They are both now adjusted and accustomed to fostering and count my adopted children as their siblings. One of my sons has Downs Syndrome, and it has been incredible to watch the other kids connect with him and develop amazing empathy skills. I have personally found the experience extremely rewarding - it can be rough at first, but definitely worth it. There are a surprising number of guidelines and requirements, but I've found that once you have been fostering for some time, they tend to relax their policies a bit. I have fostered children from ages 3-14, and I will say fostering toddlers and teens does take a different level of dedication than other ages, so it may not be for everyone - but if you think you're prepared, go for it! Foster cares do not need to foster to adopt. I didn't go in looking to adopt, and am infinitely glad I was given the option to. I have fostered children for periods of time, anywhere from one week to one year, before they were able to find other arrangements or reunite with their families.

Note: I did find fostering sibling sets less demanding (reduces sense of loneliness and uselessness), and will recommend it to any foster carers who feel they can take on more than one child. Age gap siblings can differ from mt point above.

@MaddyMumsnet is anyone actually going to answer these questions?

@Newyearawaits you have a bizarre view of how the world operates. 😂 Correct me if I'm wrong, but you sound like you're saying that foster carers should get just enough to scrape by on as they've chosen to do it and could do another job if they don't like how little money they get?

Also, if you think a few hundred pounds a week (maximum) on one hand for a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week job where you have zero employment rights, zero sickness pay, zero maternity pay, zero pension etc on one hand and on the other hand you are welcoming in complete strangers into your Home which then entails (quite rightly) unannounced visits to your home, meetings, and taking said traumatised children along on your family holidays with all of the complicated dynamics that can involve is easy money then why on earth don't YOU do it yourself?

Oh I forgot, you also need to be able to maintain a larger and more expensive home as foster children cannot share rooms, so bigger mortgages, bigger council tax and heating bill but sure yes, we get a ridiculous amount of money 🤑 begs the question people aren't begging to be allowed to do it then

Don't mean to put genuine posters off BTW, it is immensely rewarding if you're the right kind of person. We stay in contact where ever possible too when they have to move on and it is lovely to see them doing well.

@Newyearawaits you have a bizarre view of how the world operates. 😂 Correct me if I'm wrong, but you sound like you're saying that foster carers should get just enough to scrape by on as they've chosen to do it and could do another job if they don't like how little money they get?

This! Or that foster carers should just adopt any children they foster, so they can stop claiming any money at all?!

Is it a job, which should be suitably remunerated?! @MaddyMumsnet

Most of the kids I foster, I don't foster to adopt. Those whom I did adopt, I began fostering with no intention of adopting. I have a hybrid job as well, and have been able to take up to three weeks off work to help children settle. I am still being paid for one of the kids, as she is definitely temporarily placed, and because one of the children has a disability, I still receive some benefits. I understand that fostering is not for everyone and demands a lot from the carers, both mentally and physically. I was just sharing my experience and answering some questions asked. I'm sorry if I made fostering sound easy or completely beneficial. In reality, half my kids are struggling in more than one way, and I've fostered kids who have been through a lot. Fostering will certainly take a toll on you - at least at first.

Where I live, they don't require sibling sets or biological children to have their own bedrooms, and my kids will often have 'sleepovers' in each other's rooms.

Hello Mumsnetters,

I just wanted to pause for a moment before answering your questions to say thank you for how openly and honestly people have been sharing their views and experiences on this thread. It’s clear that fostering brings up very strong feelings, and understandably so, particularly around support, pay, expectations and the realities of day-to-day life for foster carers and the children they care for.

I know that some posters are speaking from difficult personal experiences, others from professional backgrounds, and some from trying to decide whether fostering might ever be right for them. All of those perspectives matter, even when people disagree.

I can only answer from my own experience of fostering with my local authority, and I don’t pretend that experience is universal. My aim here is to be as honest as possible about what fostering has looked like for me, including its challenges as well as its rewards.

Thank you again for engaging so thoughtfully, I’ll continue answering as many questions as I can over the next couple of weeks.

Hi @BittyItty .There is no typical age but teenagers and sibling groups are often more difficult to place.

Hi @Bleakmidwintering . You can go on holiday with or without your foster children however the more advanced warning you can give the authorities the easier it is to place them in alternative accommodation.

Hi @sharond101 . There is masses of training to cover every eventuality and my authority offers time with a trained counsellor in your first year to help with the emotional support needed. 😊

Hi @dizzywizz . There is a medical before you become a foster carer but as long as it would not affect your day to day care, you could still foster.

Hi @ohthatsabitshit . Your experience of looking after a disabled child would be invaluable in fostering. You may wish to consider giving respite to other parents who have a disabled child on a regular basis. You do not have to foster full time.

Hi @DenDenDenise . You can foster with a flat but there should be a spare room for a foster child unless you are looking after babies.

Hi @Benjaminjamesandgraham. There is a 6 - 8 month process before you become approved as a carer. In this time you would be given training. Once approved, you would be sent profiles of potential young people needing care. You can reject any that you feel would not match your circumstances. This would provide you with a lot more information on an individual. There is a huge amount of training available for specific needs such as eating disorders and self harm for example. In your first year you would be given a mentor who would be on the end of the phone at any time, plus you would have your own social worker during office hours.

very important to reiterate this is not the same for all councils. I have 3 friends who foster in different areas and this is not offered or provided, nor is the mentor mentioned in your later post.

would be great if it was though, genuinely glad for you that your area does provide this level of support, it’s unusual yet necessary

I definitely needed a counsellor in year 10 more than year 1. Cumulative secondhand trauma accumulates.
Genuine mentoring programmes in fostering are a brilliant idea but poorly thought out and frankly unethical ‘buddy’ systems are sometimes badged as mentoring and are much more widespread. Proper mentoring takes resources and I’m sure this thread shows in myriad ways how little actual resource there is in fostering.