Do you talk to your children about emotional wellbeing? Share with the GDST for a chance to win a £300 John Lewis voucher

[EmmaMumsnet]

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There’s been a huge change over the years in how we speak out mental health, and it’s becoming more and more apparent that we need to be educating our children about their emotional wellbeing as well. The Girls’ Day School Trust (GDST), a family of 25 schools across the UK, would like to hear your views on how we can help children to be happy and feel good in the world.

What do you think affects your children's mental health and how do you talk to them about it? Do you think exam pressure or even entrance exams cause your children stress? Does social media affect your children? Do they talk to you about their emotions or do you approach the topic of mental health if you see them struggling? Do you think mental health and wellbeing should be discussed and taught in schools?

Please share how you talk to your children about their emotional wellbeing and you will be entered into a prize draw to win a £300 voucher of your choice (from a list).

Thanks

MNHQ

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Talking in the car works really well for us. My dc really seem to open up - must be the safe private space but also the not having to look at me because I'm driving that puts them more at ease. Some of our deepest getting worries out chats have been the car and I now make a mental note to save certain discussions when i know we have a 1:1 car journey.

The key to mindfulness is treating it as part of the everyday rather than a special issue. So ensuring that you (we) talk about feelings and what has Halle Ed that day is critical to buding a relationship of trust that can share the bigger issues and concerns.

@Lightsdown we talk in the car, too.
My DS has even said 'mum, can we go for a drive so we can talk?'
I've managed to get him to open up quite often when I'm driving and he's sat by me.

From the earliest days we named emotions and always discussed them as valid. Always said that there is nothing that cannot be sorted out through discussion. Never said don't cry but encouraged her to find helpful ways to support herself when she is upset. Talked about how we're all learning "how to be" and it's okay to make mistakes.

The biggest challenge, I feel, is to raise a kind and empathetic daughter - which is something we all need to be - but who is also confident in her own worth and really believes herself to be the equal of men - i.e. be kind but able to challenge sexism where she sees it, not bow to pressure to put other people's feelings first.

I do think it should be taught in schools, for both girls and boys, and also have an in school counsellor. DD is 6 but I try to get her to open up, I don't sit her down and give her the third degree or shine a light in her eyes, but whilst playing board games, getting dressed, in the bath etc. I'll ask her how she is, what she's done, how she's feeling. She's behind due to dyslexia and gets asked where her Dad is (he walked out when she was four months, and has since started a new family), sometimes she is upset - we go for walks and I have told her sometimes I feel down (I have anxiety, and have struggled as a single Mum), I have told her sometimes we all feel sad and it's good to talk, about our feelings as we feel better. I suffered from an eating disorder for 10 years (I was 5 stone at one point, and miserable), I'm recovered now and have been for a few years, I have a beautiful DD (something I never thought possible, as I was told I had damaged my developing body). I never really 'fitted in' I wasn't part of the popular crowd, I was top in most of my classes, so seen as a 'geek', plus I had ginger hair and freckles (now I see them as beautiful!). I was bullied and I remember going to one of my teachers (primary school, and I still remember it 20 years on), I can recall her words, she seemed angry I'd come to her and said, 'sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you'. We look at social media, and it's important to realise people only see what they want you to see, we see the likes of these so called 'perfect' celebs that seem to have it all, the career, the (so called) 'looks', the money... and yet many of them resort to drink, drugs, and sink into depression. I wish I could get those years back, and have enjoyed my life. I thought if I had the right 'look' people would like me more, that I'd fit in, that I'd be popular - I would never want DD or any other child to go through what I went through, even it introducing this in schools helps just one child, it will be worth it. I've never had to use algebra or name a cloud formation, but this could have helped.

I talk to my 2 year old daughter all the time about all sorts of topics, explaining things, even if she doesn't understand I will continue to do this as she gets older. I hope that she'll be able to get some understanding of how the world works, that I love her enough to help her understand and how to approach different challenges and problems as they arise. I don't handle my emotions well, sometimes, and make sure I express this to her if she sees me upset and tell her that it's ok to feel these things and I talk about best way to deal with those feelings. I think this will help me too, we never stop learning!

We talk about it a lot, and I'll tell ds (appropriately) if I'm stressed or down as I think that it helps to show you can be open. Time in the car or dog walking are great times for us to talk

2 x ds's, teenager and finishing primary. Like ImpossibleGirl both ds's are very open to MH ideas and talking about emotions.

The schools, Starting with primary and all the way through secondary seem to have done a very good job.

Ds1 seems Saddened at how many of his peers, particularly the girls have MH issues, anxiety, self harming etc.

Yes, DD doesn't get stressed about school work or exams but she does worry about falling out with her friends. I worry about how she'll cope with the world of social media when she goes to secondary school.
With encouragement she will talk about her feelings, often in the car as other posters have said.

I have 2 teen DD's who suffer with poor mental health. It's really, really hard. To be honest, I largely attribute it to social media. I see a whole generation being stripped of their self esteem because of it. Talking to them and making sure they feel supported seems to be the only way to deal with it. I've lost count of the many, many, many hours I've spent 'counselling' them. I've also had them both at the GP to try to access external support, spoken to school guidance teachers and even written to our local MSP for help accessing services. Certainly, where we live it's an extremely poorly funded and represented resource. I feel like we are failing our young people.

I have acute anxiety disorder and suffer from bouts of depression too and am very open how I am feeling to my family. I used to bottle it and try to hide it but being more open helps me and those close to me. I want to ensure that I teach DS that it is good to talk about how we are feeling. I think one easy step towards this is not to ask DS "are you ok?" but rather "how are you feeling?"

MH is certainly something that should be spoken about in schools, especially around exams time. I think if MH can be addressed when kids are stressed around that time then they can use those lessons to help with with other stressful moments or times they might experience the feeling of failure.

This is a difficult one for me due to my own poor mental health which is entirely due to my own childhood which included abuse and neglect. Fortunately we do talk a lot about different things and I can only hope they would feel able to talk to me about anything that was bothering them. They freely talk about school issues, which is good. But we don't put any pressure on them other than being punctual, well behaved and just do the best they can. They have never done any homework as we don't agree with it, so they get plenty of downtime to relax which I think they need. I should maybe talk to them about my own issues but I don't want to burden them and this is something I really struggle with - explaining why I (over) react to certain things, just so they understand why.

My children are a little young yet but their mental/emotional well-being is my highest priority and I really want when they get older for them to feel like they can talk to me about anything without judgement or dismissal.

I’d really like to discuss with them early on (and already have started this with the 3 year old) that it is okay to experience negative emotions and to express that.

It should absolutely be highlighted more in schools . My daughter has been really struggling recently and school are not very good at identifying it as damaging to her mental health and emotional wellbeing and just keep saying for us to not engage in dramatic conversation with her which is awful for a child who is so heartbroken most days.

My dc's school runs mental well-being workshops at various points, typically several sessions over half a term during Y7, Y11 and Y13, plus single or half day in every year. HOYs have an open door policy for any child, not just in their own year, to consult them, and pupils are also encouraged to write to their HOY if they prefer. My dc have mostly had excellent supportive relationships with their HOYs.

At home I try never to be angry at a child for their revelation. I do not want my dc to fear telling me anything.

I think what affects children's mental health can be quite individual but there are some situations and circumstances that make problems more likely. I am a teacher and see young children affected by parents putting their needs before their children, parents being unreliable in children's lives (coming and going and breaking promises), needs not being met, particularly emotional needs (not giving love or attention, harsh discipline, not protecting against/parenting sibling issues, parents distant due to their own problems and mental health).

As a teenage I had some issues with anxiety and I can't honestly say what one thing caused them.I think I was a perfectionist and put pressure on myself. I developed terrible stage fright where I'd previously loved performing. What made it worse was not knowing who I could speak to and feeling embarrassed and also concerned it'd put cause unhappiness or shame to my parents or put pressure/stress on them. It took years for me to work out how to manage it myself. I do remember also when younger being very anxious about the transition to secondary school.

I think exam pressure/entrance exams can cause stress depending on how it's handled and framed. I saw very anxious children at grammar school 11+ exams, I saw sick on the ground in several places from nervous children vomiting I presume. If that was my child I'd have decided there and then that this process was not fair/right on them. My daughter took these tests and seemed pretty calm about them and claimed to enjoy parts of them, so didn't seem to cause her much stress at all.

Social media doesn't affect my child as she only texts or plays games with minimal social interaction required. I can completely see how it would affect teenagers. Selfies and looking good, and conversations being spread/broadcast, words being typed and sent without the consideration given to speech on the effects.

I do think mental health and wellbeing should be discussed and talked in schools and my infant school does do this with all. There are several options for children needing additional support.

My daughter has some anxiety around not being able to fall asleep and then feeling tired the next day (causing a vicious cycle) and experienced some bullying which she kept secret and cause her some stress. I have had frank conversations about better to share than not and sharing my experiences as a teenager where I didn't like to share my anxieties and how much it'd have helped me. I share strategies/techniques for relaxation/visualisation I've learnt over the years. Recently I signed her up for 'confidence coaching' with a focus on improving the winding down before bed and feeling good.

I just try and keep the communication channels open do they feel that they can talk about anything. Mine are younger at the moment so not yet affected by so I'll media but I know those days are coming. I really do worry about its impact on mental health.

My boys are both quite little. So for us at the moment we talk about always being kind and thinking about how others might be feeling. It can be hard for children to express themselves and I sometimes get a huge out pouring of emotions and I try to talk to him about why he feels like that

You know what, I don't do anything specific. I just try and give my kids a secure and happy home life, meeting all of their needs and modelling good adult relationships. We're an open family and we always have dinner together where we talk about our days and plans and lives.

I try and be interested and available but not over bearing or heavy. If like to think that the kids know that as a family we can get through anything-the key is to include your family in what's going on so they can be part of it.

My children sigh when I try to raise the issue. Apparently they ‘get enough of that at school’. I hated it when my parents used to pry so I make myself available and ask the odd open question but I respect them to talk to me when they need to.

My girls are young at the moment, but I always encourage them to talk about their feelings and talk about anything that is troubling them. I am hoping this will lead to them coping with their emotions as they grow.

It is difficult. DD1 sees school counsellor but hates it if mental health awareness, etc. are discussed in school in PSHE/form-time/assembly etc. as it makes her feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. I just try to remain approachable and available to talk. Unfortunately, DD1's issues are very unsettling for DD2 and, while she is often understanding and always stands up for and protects her elder sister if necessary, her patience can wear thin. As can mine.

We talk with DD about emotions quite a bit, but only in the context of a current situation. We don't have 'deep and meaningful' convos as these make DD uncomfortable. But we share how we're feeling, talk about how her friends might be feeling when going through family breakup, bereavement etc.
She also gets a lot of insight through reading.
We make sure there's always time to chat about anything on her mind and I like to think I can identify when somethings troubling her.

I think the pressure around exams and results at a young age is hugely damaging.

My son is too young really but my mum was open with us and us with her, especially as we got older. Getting us the means for help etc and I plan to do the same for my child. I don't want him to ever feel judged and to feel like he always has someone to talk to, if I can't help him I'll find someone who can. I think it's really important to be judge free and listen to him.