Mumsnet users share advice on how to speak to children about divorce with amicable™

[EllieMumsnet]

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Divorce isn’t something that is necessarily planned for, nor is it always expected, but sometimes life takes an unexpected turn. Going through a divorce can be difficult for anyone and everybody’s situation and circumstance is different. However when there are children involved it can make it just that little bit tougher. So if you, or your family or friends are going through a divorce, amicable™ want to know your advice on how to tell the children?

Here’s what amicable™ have to say: "There are always good ways of giving upsetting news. Preparation on the part of us parents makes things easier for our kids and starts our co-parenting relationship off on the right foot. For anyone with kids, this is perhaps the hardest part of separating to navigate. It is a difficult conversation most people don’t know how to have or when it’s best to have. To help couples who are yet to have that first hurdle and face the conversation head-on please share your tips and stories so that we can help more couples to navigate this tricky part of the process and start their co-parenting relationship off on the right foot."

If you have more than one child do you tell them all together or individually? Perhaps you phrase things differently depending on their age? Do you as parents tell them together or just one of you?

Whatever advice you have from either your own experiences or family/friend’s, share them on the thread below and everyone who comments will be entered into a prize draw where one lucky MNer will win a £300 voucher of their choice (from a list).

Thanks and good luck!
MNHQ

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I'd say first of all, make sure you sit them down and tell them together. Explain to them (obviously depending on their age and understanding) why the divorce is happening and explain that it has absolutely nothing to do with the children. I'd try and focus on the positives of the divorce rather than the negatives and encourage as many questions as they want to ask and be as honest as possible with your answers.

be honest and show them its ok for them to feel whatever they are feeling and that they can talk without judgement. reassure them of your love and support no matter what.

Be honest, focus on the positives and what won't change as well as the negatives and what will change. Together helps in my opinion as they can ask questions together and hear the other questions/answers.

Divorce happens but I think the people that get it right are those that realise that divorced or not their is still family dynamic and that shouldn’t stop for any children involved just because their parents aren’t together.

You missed the point - children/child decide. It/they are not forced into a decision to see a parent every third weekend. If the child wants to see the absentee parent then its up to it/them -- without the legal guardians permission.
Replies from others just piss me off - they seem to have forgotten what loving kids is about. I loved my kids from the day they came into this world - thoughtless comments from ellisandra and wishingandwaiting - I presume they had a fraught separation and divorce.
No - I stated what I said most days - not necessarily in words but most certainly in deeds.
Jim
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I'm not sure about focus on the positive. I agree that divorce can be well managed but I think it's a huge thing you are telling you DC.

I do think it's good to share some of your own emotion. I wonder if that what all the "be honest" comments are about. There is no way I could be honest with my children about why I left. But I do try to share some of my emotions, eg, acknowledging that I'm sad too and being a little sad together sometimes. I never forget I'm the parent though, I share as much emotion as I think is helpful to them.

Re the comments on contact, I think autonomy on who they see and when is for older teenage children. With younger children I think they need the adults to be responsible for plans. I think there is security in that. Of course we still listen to them and try where possible to show what they think matters. But we don't let them make the decisions.

@jimcocallis which of my comments were thoughtless?

No, I did not have a fraught separation and divorce

It went like this:

• I've just found all these prostitute numbers on the call history of your old phone that you leant me (they tied in with internet searches "massage" on weekends I was away) so my suspicions were correct all along
• I was only looking (bullshit)
• OK, you know that's enough reason to end this marriage, right?
• yes

Then I saw a solicitor and made a proposal for child contact and finances (latter hugely favourable to him as I decided not to include the value of his business in our assets though I could have done, and never claimed the £400 a month maintenance the CMS would have awarded, as I have a good income)

I bought a house, moved out, told him we should tell our child together. Lived together for 4 months during this with ONE incident of raised voice*.

We told child together that to be married you should be "one true loves" but we realised that though we were friends we weren't really in love. She said (age 5, thank you Disney) "you need to find your one true loves".

Contact has always been flexible - we change date according to her needs and requests all the time.

To this day 4 years on she frequently invites me to his parties and thinks we're friends.

When she came to visit my new house for the first time (her request the day she was told - she brought him along for the fun trip)

*he tried to tell me he didn't have time to call mortgage company about some paperwork as he was busy at work. I shouted that I was busy at work because I had the morning off for an HIV test and to just fucking do it.

So, @jimcocallis - please do tell me about where my separation was fraught?

I think it is important to tell them together and agree what you are going to say. It will be really hard but to try and reassure the children the best you can

In my experience, tell them together and take a united front.

The most important thing to remember is to put all your personal feelings aside for your spouse, and do what's right for the children. Keep the situation calm and reassure them that getting divorced doesn't mean you love them any less.

make sure you are open and honest and reassure them that they are loved by both parents and that its not there fault in any way

Ha jimcocallis

Fraught? I had coffee with my ex yesterday! I still love him and as I said on my post, he’s a genuinely very good man.

One particular line in your post actually made me laugh out loud “I loved my kids from the day they came into this world”. Gosh, that’s big of you.

Tell them together and be as open and honest as possible, within reason. Reassurance is important, emphasize that they are not to blame and both parents will still be there for them regardless of what happens.

I think it;s important to get them all together, both parents as well so they know that everything is going to be ok and they can ask any questions they want to so you can answer them together as a family.

Ideally, it's best to tell the kids in an age apropriate way, assuring the kids that both parents still love them very much.

However, in the real world, it's often very difficult to keep to this, especially if one party is behaving like an idiot. To be honest, I got sick of making excuses for him in the end.

both sit down together with your children and explain that sometimes things dont work out with mum and dad but it doesnt mean that you love them any less just sometimes grown ups are happier apart

Don't use the children to try and hurt a partner. It has a lasting affect on their mental health. Think and think again.

Tell the children together, remain amicable and don't use them as weapons

My friend got divorced recently and their children coped really well with it all. They sat down all together and explained what was happening and how they were going to live from that point on. My friend and her ex were very amicable with each other as they knew they had to be for the children.

Tell the children together and make sure they are not to blame for anything and that you both love them. Never say anything negative about the other parent. Try to keep to all arrangements. Children need to have contact with both parents where possible.

Even though mom and dad will be apart, we both will always love you and be there for you when ever you need us.

I only have one child but we were truthful with her. We explained that sometimes adults can't live together anymore but that we both still love her. We both made sure that we never argued in front of her and that we talked nicely about each other. We remained friends so that we could spend time together so on her birthday, school plays, parents evening etc we could go together. My main advice is to always put your child first. They deserve both parents. Xx

Honesty is the best policy. Make sure there’s plenty of cuddles and reassurance that they are loved no matter what the situation is.

To reassure them that's it's not their fault in any way and that you both still love them more than anything.

Be aware that the children will be affected, even if you think you're dealing with things well or discreetly. Give them space to talk and ask questions.

My mum and dad separated when I was 10 - it was very hard! We were caught up in the middle and I remember my dad leaving. Lots of rows and a bad atmosphere. My mum did an amazing job bringing us up and I think we had a much better upbringing (although we didn't have much).

I think you just need to be honest with your children and make sure that you tell them how much they are loved and that none of this is their fault. Try and remain amicable if you can.

We were incredibly lucky to have such a loving, amazing mum! She still is marvellous! And we are still in touch with our dad although it is a different relationship