Mumsnet users share advice on how to speak to children about divorce with amicable™

[EllieMumsnet]

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Divorce isn’t something that is necessarily planned for, nor is it always expected, but sometimes life takes an unexpected turn. Going through a divorce can be difficult for anyone and everybody’s situation and circumstance is different. However when there are children involved it can make it just that little bit tougher. So if you, or your family or friends are going through a divorce, amicable™ want to know your advice on how to tell the children?

Here’s what amicable™ have to say: "There are always good ways of giving upsetting news. Preparation on the part of us parents makes things easier for our kids and starts our co-parenting relationship off on the right foot. For anyone with kids, this is perhaps the hardest part of separating to navigate. It is a difficult conversation most people don’t know how to have or when it’s best to have. To help couples who are yet to have that first hurdle and face the conversation head-on please share your tips and stories so that we can help more couples to navigate this tricky part of the process and start their co-parenting relationship off on the right foot."

If you have more than one child do you tell them all together or individually? Perhaps you phrase things differently depending on their age? Do you as parents tell them together or just one of you?

Whatever advice you have from either your own experiences or family/friend’s, share them on the thread below and everyone who comments will be entered into a prize draw where one lucky MNer will win a £300 voucher of their choice (from a list).

Thanks and good luck!
MNHQ

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

Be as honest as you can be but don't make promises you might not be able to keep

Just reassure them that while things will change everyone still loves them and make sure there is someone there if they ever need to talk.

I think it depends on the age of the child. Mine was 4 years old and I never made it a huge, big deal. Her Dad worked away a lot anyway so when we split I moved into a rented property. I just approached it in a very 'matter of fact' way. I told my daughter that she was lucky that we were going to have TWO houses. I bought two Dora the Explorer 'tent beds' to go over her mattress and she slept under it at our current house. Once I had my own place she had the same tent bed so she wouldn't feel disoriented in the morning when she awoke. I was very lucky that the whole process ended up being seamless because she knew no difference. The absolute crux of a successful separation or divorce is for both parents to always be seen to be working together.

We talked to DD together as she was only 2, I maintained the family home, but every weekend stayed with my sister so me ex husband could be in the house with DD. It worked well for us for 8 years.

I'm really not sure about mumsnet supporting amicable to do what seems like a very cheap way of doing research / publicity. It is encouraging people without personal experience to contribute advice on what is one of the toughest things a parent can do and which is listed on stress scales as second only to death of a spouse.

I'm currently facing this dilemma and I can say that it looks quite different when it's your life and your kids in question. I'd have nodded along to some of these responses a year ago but not now.

Thanks to those sharing their authentic experience though.

Would like to hear from someone at amicable about what they're intending to do with this information.

I agree with poster above that if you're separating because of unreasonable behaviour it's likely the other party will continue to be unreasonable throughout the process. In those circumstances I found it easiest to speak to the children on my own because he was very manipulative and couldn't be trusted to have their best interests.

From friends' experiences, I would say talking a lot as a family and making sure the children know they are loved by both of you, and trying to keep upheavals to a minimum.

Have a family discussion all together and be honest.

Its always better if both parents can tell the children together, and explain that they are still their mommy and daddy just not living together.

Tell them together, keep it calm and don't say that Mummy and Daddy don't love each other any more - it could make them anxious that one day you might not love them....

Don't ever say anything bad about the other parent (kids work it out themselves over time) and see if you can establish some new routines pretty quickly to give them some stability.

My son went to my parents every day after school, so that gave him a routine regardless of which parent he was going home with that evening.

And then I used to take him to either the chippy or the Chinese every other Friday when he was with me to establish our new routine. That was when we had 50/50 custody.

He's 19 now (that was 13 years ago) and we still have our Friday night Chinese tradition
(his father however has completely dropped contact and my son hasn't seen him for 3-4 years now )

Age appropriate discussions with kids are probably best. Children just need reminding they haven't done anything wrong and its OK to be confused or upset by the changes.

I'll tell them together to avoid the "i know it first" talks.

Explain that everything in the world changes.. even love and priorities. That you tried your best to make it work but the change is bigger that the opportunity to fix it. Even though you will not be together as before, you still love them and will do everything to make them happy.

I would tell them that mummy and daddy were going to live in separate houses from now on. Never diss the other parent in their hearing and make sure all grandparents still have fair access.

always be positive

Having gone through this as a child I'm not convinced there is a 'nice' way to tell the children. I think the most important things are that both parents make sure their children know that they both still love them. And NEVER use the child/children against the other parent.

Never been in that situation and giving advise from never going through it would seem wrong, my gut feeling seeing others go through it, is to be kind, list to the children, don't blame the other party, even though it may be there fault and keep positive. Make sure they do not see themselves as the cause

Be open and honest. Respect their reactions, answer their questions honestly.

Haven't rtft so may be repeating things.

Ex was really struggling to be constructive as he didn't want us to go. I had to manage the conversation but had told him beforehand what I thought we should say and he did his best to present it as a joint decision.

I didn't really get a sense of needing to tell DC it wasn't their fault. But I remember my neice telling me years after her parents divorced, there wasn't much she could do as she was too young to help (she had been 4 or 5). So I guess I need to try stay attuned to their feelings.

I waited until I had the new house set up but left a couple of things I still needed to buy so they could "help".

I think having the house sorted helped as the 6 yo really quickly wanted to understand the practicalities.

We told them a while before I planned to move so they had time to get used to the house. We went a couple of weeks later.

I think having read other experiences here helped.

I think both my DC really quickly reached their limit of what they could take in so the initial conversation was that long. Ive tried to ensure they have been given more opportunities to talk as feelings come up since.

We did the telling the kids together thing. It was hideous. Ds wailed ‘Nooooo’like a wounded animal, dd cried, baby asleep. ExH then promptly left to spend the afternoon with OW leaving me with the fallout.

If your ex is manipulative & a narcissist that co-parenting ideal of two reasonable people who don’t love each other any more but will put aside their needs to put the kids first, doesn’t exist.

What I found - and currently still find - as ExH is now wanting increased access/reduced maintenance which has big implications for us - is to listen to the dcs. To empathise. Shelter them you can & when you can’t, put forward possible solutions/ways that allow them to feel in control of a situation that is sometimes beyond their control. My children tend to unwind their thoughts and worries at bedtime.

“If your ex is manipulative & a narcissist that co-parenting ideal of two reasonable people who don’t love each other any more but will put aside their needs to put the kids first, doesn’t exist.”

Exactly prophet . People giving that kind of advice have no idea what it is like when your ex consistently puts their own needs above those of the children etc.

I think that it is not so much what the children are told but what they witness.

When bad feeling between parents is apparent to the children the whole situation is made a million times worse for them. I have witnessed a situation where both parents retained a friendship and truly co-parented, and the children were both secure, happy little ones. On the other hand I have seen more of the opposite, and the upset and self-blame that the children feel as a result.

again though, last kiss , it only takes one difficult parent to make co-parenting impossible. I would love to co-parent like that but exH couldn’t give a toss about how his behaviour impacts on the kids.

I wouldn't recommend saying anything along the lines of mum and dad splitting up because they no longer love each other, as this can lead to some kids worrying that mum or dad might stop loving them and leave them too. My poor nephew became very quiet and distant with both of his parents when he thought that might be the case, and very clingy with grandma. Then, when I went through my own divorce two years later, the same nephew cried and asked me if everyone was leaving him, and was it his fault. I explained that no-one was going to leave him, and that everyone loved him very much, but it took quite a long time for him to accept it.

I don't actually remember how my parents broke the news to me, but I do remember thinking that if I'd been a good girl they wouldn't have argued so much... Make sure that your children NEVER feel it's their fault or believe the absent parent has left THEM.

I've never experienced this myself, but friends have. Having a civil relationship is vital, and assuring the child it's not their fault and they're loved by both parents is essential.