Mumsnet users share advice on how to speak to children about divorce with amicable™

[EllieMumsnet]

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Divorce isn’t something that is necessarily planned for, nor is it always expected, but sometimes life takes an unexpected turn. Going through a divorce can be difficult for anyone and everybody’s situation and circumstance is different. However when there are children involved it can make it just that little bit tougher. So if you, or your family or friends are going through a divorce, amicable™ want to know your advice on how to tell the children?

Here’s what amicable™ have to say: "There are always good ways of giving upsetting news. Preparation on the part of us parents makes things easier for our kids and starts our co-parenting relationship off on the right foot. For anyone with kids, this is perhaps the hardest part of separating to navigate. It is a difficult conversation most people don’t know how to have or when it’s best to have. To help couples who are yet to have that first hurdle and face the conversation head-on please share your tips and stories so that we can help more couples to navigate this tricky part of the process and start their co-parenting relationship off on the right foot."

If you have more than one child do you tell them all together or individually? Perhaps you phrase things differently depending on their age? Do you as parents tell them together or just one of you?

Whatever advice you have from either your own experiences or family/friend’s, share them on the thread below and everyone who comments will be entered into a prize draw where one lucky MNer will win a £300 voucher of their choice (from a list).

Thanks and good luck!
MNHQ

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

Make absolutely clear that this is not their fault and that mum and dad love them just as much as ever, and will never do anything to stop the contact between them all and will never use them as pawns to get at each other. Then make good on the promise.

My SIL is getting divorced and my son asked where his Uncle has gone. I tried to be honest but reassuring, he was frightened me and his dad would split up and that was horrible. I just tried to be honest but on a very basic level.

Be as honest as you can be in an age appropriate way that will not be distressing for the children. Do not bad mouth your ex or allow anyone else to in their hearing - they will find out soon enough for themselves what the other person is like. Children have inbuilt bullshit detectors!

Try exceedingly hard not to use them as bargaining chips or for emotional blackmail. They will remember and not thank you for it.

Try to get good access arrangements in place and stick with them.

Can't imagine how difficult this would be. They need to feel secure and that a plan is in place.

I think being honest and reassuring at all times is the way to go, annd answering any questions in a sensitive and age appropriate way.

A lot of reassurance, and making sure that they understand that it is not their fault,

Well i think my stbExH should be held up as the anti-example! He told our teenager a week before he actually said anything to me that he was leaving, then after a week away (a blissful, peaceful week free from EA) he moved back to "keep us under control" and tells our younger child he had to be good now daddy was back. Youngest was convinced we split due to his bad behaviour when in reality stbExH has been withdrawing from family life for 24-30 months. I'd say do it differently to him and you'll be ok.

Ideally, if you can have a planned split without animosity & do a little preparation beforehand, that would be best.

Reassuring them that you love them, that it’s not their fault & give them the opportunity to ask questions. Tell them it’s a decision that the grown-up’s have made, and an age-appropriate reason

Perhaps setting time aside on a daily/weekly basis for “talk time” so they know they can tell you things in this time. Eg Sunday’s 8pm is talk time.

As adults, I think it’s a case of biting your tongue a lot, agreeing not to bad-mouth each other & sticking to agreed plans (whilst having a little flexibility).

I can only imagine how difficult it would be if it’s non-amicable, especially for the parents.

I can only share my experience from being the child in the equation. My parents waited until my older siblings had left home (to protect their feelings ) so there was just me left to witness their shambolic, bitter collapse into the divorce that had been on the cards for 10 years. It was the most miserable period of my life.

Just try to be decent people. Edited calm honesty is probably what I would have chosen from my parents.

Everything depends on the child/ren and one size does not fit all.

I actually disagree with the common advice to reassure them that it isn't their fault and their parents love them.

My 4yo didn't for a moment think it had anything to do with her, and never questioned our love for her.

I don't think it would have been at all helpful to put it into her head that something like that could be possible!

Tell them together.
Agree your story first.
Don't blame anyone.

Something that always surprises me is when the children are told and the change is implemented immediately or very quickly.

In most cases, the adults have known and continued to live together for a while before telling children. If at all possible - continue to do so. Let them understand what the new living arrangements will be, and what days here and there before you actually start it.

when I got divorced I explained to my 3 yr old that we loved each other and thats when we made her, but now we dont love each other anymore, but we still love her because she was made from our love just to reassure her she was wanted and its not her fault.

I second those posters who've said not to mention whose 'fault' the separation is. For me to achieve this, it actually meant lying through my teeth that it had been a mutual decision and that we'd just decided that our relationship had run its course (absolute bollocks of course - he'd been fucking a third rate opera singer, but they didn't need to know that.) My position is and has always been that the DCs have a right to think well of their Dad, no matter how atrociously he behaved towards me. That's meant shielding them from his misdemeanours. It stung, I won't lie, but I'd do the same again.

Be as honest as possible (obviously age appropriate) and don't bring anything personal into it

Be as honest as you can, make sure they know they are still just as loved and that won't change. Also, that it is not because of them, or anything they have done. It can be handy for children to know they can discuss things with someone outside of their immediate family unit too.

Tell them together if more than one child. Hopefully if situation allows both adults them them together as well. Stay calm and reassuring. Simple facts. Be prepared for questions.

My parents told me together. And we're always very open with us allowing us to ask any questions and making sure we felt loved by both of them

Don't mention fault or blame at all if the children are very young, even to let the children know it is not their fault as this will introduce the concept of fault/blame to them. Keep it simple: daddy will be living somewhere else and will see you on weekends, for example.

Penelope Leach's book about seperatiom is a must for me. I would tell together. woth lots of reassurance and try the parents swapping where they live so the children dont have to have 2 homes for as long as possible.

Divorce is a very bad situation for the couple and for the children.Everyone will definitely suffer from it.Parents need to be honest with their kids and don't argued in front of them.Tell them that its not their faults that both parents will still love them whatever happened.Both parents need to sit down and talk about it with each of the children to make them understand why the parents are divorcing and how life will be after one of the parent will leave the familial home.That they'll have two home after that and they'll continue to see both parents but it'll not be under the same roof anymore.If the kids' feelings are overwhelming they have to talk about it and don't keep it for themselves.That the kids can reach the parent who is leaving at any time just by a phone call away.Try to be honest,don't promise anything that you won't be able to keep.And especially show your love to your kids in this very stressful moment of their lives.Tell them they've to be strong.

No! Don't tell your children to be "strong". It is not their responsibility to bear emotional burdens with strength. Let them be as "weak" as they need to be. Telling them to be strong suggests that they need to hide their true emotions.

explaining the situation to the children in an amicable way. making sure they know they are not to blame and that they will still have both parents.

Be honest, reassuring and try not to apportion blame

I think that's a really useful comment @familylawsolicitor

I must admit I posted my opinion like it was a normal thread, I didn't consider who "amicable" were.

1. Why pay "experts" who resort to anecdotes from MN to create their advice?

1. My anecdotal experience from too long on MN, is that women (the majority audience for this advertising post) are far too willing to give up financial entitlement in the hope of amicable divorces. But it's my opinion that an arse is an arse - whether you get 52% or 73%, the sort of XH who cannot remain amicable will be triggered either way. Women give up money (for their children) in vain. Women need "assertive" not "amicable". They have far too many messages from society about "amicable" where amicable = lose

1. It's wrong to assume that solicitors take an adversarial position. I was very clear on what I wanted, and what a court might award. I used the solicitor as an official front partly because I believe it helped to keep things amicable. Choose the right solicitor if you are concerned about being "amicable".

I think there is a real need for good mediation - but you need to make sure you're still getting expert legal advice.