Mumsnet users share advice on how to speak to children about divorce with amicable™

[EllieMumsnet]

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Divorce isn’t something that is necessarily planned for, nor is it always expected, but sometimes life takes an unexpected turn. Going through a divorce can be difficult for anyone and everybody’s situation and circumstance is different. However when there are children involved it can make it just that little bit tougher. So if you, or your family or friends are going through a divorce, amicable™ want to know your advice on how to tell the children?

Here’s what amicable™ have to say: "There are always good ways of giving upsetting news. Preparation on the part of us parents makes things easier for our kids and starts our co-parenting relationship off on the right foot. For anyone with kids, this is perhaps the hardest part of separating to navigate. It is a difficult conversation most people don’t know how to have or when it’s best to have. To help couples who are yet to have that first hurdle and face the conversation head-on please share your tips and stories so that we can help more couples to navigate this tricky part of the process and start their co-parenting relationship off on the right foot."

If you have more than one child do you tell them all together or individually? Perhaps you phrase things differently depending on their age? Do you as parents tell them together or just one of you?

Whatever advice you have from either your own experiences or family/friend’s, share them on the thread below and everyone who comments will be entered into a prize draw where one lucky MNer will win a £300 voucher of their choice (from a list).

Thanks and good luck!
MNHQ

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just assure them that its not their fault and mum and dad both love them exactly the same.

My parents got divorced when I was 4, I think they handled it quite well, they made a deal that they would never bad mouth each other and always be a united front.

My sister divorced and later remarried. My children asked me about it at the time and I said to them that sometimes marriages don't work out and people find that they can't get on with each other and they split up. I made sure that they didn't hear about all the difficulties that my sister had with her ex and how he messed her around as I didn't think that that was very helpful information. My kids just know that my sis has been happily remarried for a long time now and they don't ask any more questions.

Tell them that is is not their fault, they will need plenty of reassurance and love, they will feel very insecure and lost, my DH's ex-wife was foul, and told the kids that Daddy didn't love her anymore, that he was nasty and evil. It was terribly damaging to the children and now they are older, they realise that their Mum was very vindictive and was lashing out. Keep your anger from the kids and be civil to each other in front of them.

From my experience, parents need to reassure the children that they are loved and will still be cared for even though they're splitting up (and back the words with their behaviour).

When I was 10 I went away to summer camp, my mum picked me up from the coach at the end and on the drive home told by the way we moved house whilst you were away, your going to be going to a new school and your dad and brother and sisters wont be living with us anymore. This is a great example of the WRONG way to do it!

I'd suggest sitting down together as a family and just saying things havent been right for a while, everyone has been sad so we are going to try this - we both love you but we dont love each other which is why we have to move apart. Reassure that you will both still be part of their life. Dont bad mouth each other to them either

My divorce was very messy and not at all nice due to violence over a number of years. There was no being nice about it as the children had lived with it and it was just a case that he went and never came back. They were told that they could see him and their grandparents if they wanted to though.

Divorce can't always be pleasant even when children are involved

I have a friend who is currently going through a divorce. Her children are teenagers and, initially, she was having an affair.

One thing I have learned from her experience is that every case is different. However, there are some things that, no matter the situation, are really important.

Firstly, the children need to be told the truth. That doesn't mean they need every detail, but what they are told needs to be true, because sooner or later they will find out the details and will feel betrayed if they have been deceived.

Secondly, whilst children need to be given the information in an age-appropriate way, there is no right/wrong way that they may react. As other people have said, it is important to make sure they know it is not anything they have done and is in no way their fault.

No matter the age of the child, it is important to give them time to voice their fears and concerns. Some children may have questions immediately, whereas others may take time before their questions surface. Sometimes they may find it easier to talk to another adult they trust, rather than their parents. If the children have a good relationship with a grandparent, childminder or other adult, it is a good idea for the parents to speak with these adults and explain the situation, so the same details and reassurances are given by everyone.

My advice is to never stay together "for the kids" - children know if there's an unhappy atmosphere and would prefer parents to separate.

I think you need to tell them together. Then let them ask questions, they will probably have loads. They will need lots of reassurance and a routine.

tell them together, make sure they know that you love them regardless, let them ask any questions

As long as children are re-assured that the parents love for them will never change im not sure it matter who does the telling....as long as children dont hear one parent bad-mouthing the other!

When my friend and her husband split, they told their son together that mummy and daddy make each other cross and unhappy so it is best that we live apart.

I made sure that we told all our children together and also that they knew they would be seeing plenty of us both.

Don't play each other off, or speak badly of the other person in front of the kids, it's seriously damaging. Stop using them as a bargining tool they are children not toys. Try to talk without shouting. mediation is worth ago

Dont lie to them! Be honest!

My children were quite young when my ex and I split up (2 and 4), but the one thing we always promised to not do was to speak negatively about each other with them. I always talk to them about their dad in a positive way, and vice versa.

I think being thruthful is very important, kids shouldn't be lied to but neither told all the details.

It sounds patronising but you need to make sure kids know that even if parents aren't together you will both still love them and it won't affect your relationship with them.

My mum and stepdad recently divorced and whilst he wasn't my birth dad he had been my father figure for the best part of 20 years and when they separated he completely wiped his hands of me and only kept contact with my 2 brothers who were his biological children which opened up a lot of questions in my head as to whether his feelings and actions towards me had been sincere or if I'd been right to always feel like a bit of a black sheep.

So be honest, but be kind and caring, don't go overboard trying to spoil and buy they kids affections, just be genuine and show them that mum and dad might not love each other anymore but they do love the kids

We told our son together, reassured him that we both loved him very much and that we still loved each other but only as friends. Since we separted, we have made sure our son could stay with whichever one of us he wanted, whenever he wanted, we still have family holidays together once a year and thankfully get on well. This has made it as stressless as possible for our son and he seems happier now he before as there are no arguments or tensions

make sure they know it's not their fault

I think honesty is the best policy, my sister is going through turmoil atm and the two things she swears by are by staying strong with the kids whilst sympathetic and empathetic, being honest (obviously not the gory details) but honest about the situation and brief child friendly facts, finding the silver lining in every conversation x

Make sure children know it is not their fault.

I agree with much of the advice on here.
Be honest - but mindful of the age of each child.
Lots of reasurrance that they are still very loved by each parent, & the decision to split is not their fault.
Be open to any questions & encourage dialogue about the divorce, whenever each child feels ready - I guess they'd take some time to mull it over before thinking about what it will actually mean for them.

Understand that kids will be confused and hurting and will lash out. Their whole world has changed. As an aunt this was very difficult to our nephew go through this & to add to the confusion a new baby from a different dad and a new second home. We made sure to keep his visits to ours consistent and gave him plenty of opportunities to vent-off, ask questions and just be himself with lots of love and cuddles.

Tell the truth & tell them together. Also try mediation, if you can make it work it's better for everyone, especially children, not to mention it's much cheaper!