Mumsnet users share advice on how to speak to children about divorce with amicable™

[EllieMumsnet]

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Divorce isn’t something that is necessarily planned for, nor is it always expected, but sometimes life takes an unexpected turn. Going through a divorce can be difficult for anyone and everybody’s situation and circumstance is different. However when there are children involved it can make it just that little bit tougher. So if you, or your family or friends are going through a divorce, amicable™ want to know your advice on how to tell the children?

Here’s what amicable™ have to say: "There are always good ways of giving upsetting news. Preparation on the part of us parents makes things easier for our kids and starts our co-parenting relationship off on the right foot. For anyone with kids, this is perhaps the hardest part of separating to navigate. It is a difficult conversation most people don’t know how to have or when it’s best to have. To help couples who are yet to have that first hurdle and face the conversation head-on please share your tips and stories so that we can help more couples to navigate this tricky part of the process and start their co-parenting relationship off on the right foot."

If you have more than one child do you tell them all together or individually? Perhaps you phrase things differently depending on their age? Do you as parents tell them together or just one of you?

Whatever advice you have from either your own experiences or family/friend’s, share them on the thread below and everyone who comments will be entered into a prize draw where one lucky MNer will win a £300 voucher of their choice (from a list).

Thanks and good luck!
MNHQ

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oh if you can also let school,clubs place like that no so they don't assume a change in behaviour isn't the child being bad.
it can feel like you don't want people to no or be talking about you but the people that no will have incredible compassion you need at this point.

My brother's ex-wife told their daughters together by all sitting down and calmly explaining that they both love each other and the girls very much, but need to live in different houses for a while so as to get on better. They reassured the girls that both mummy and daddy will still all see each other regularly and that it will be fun because the girls will get to visit dad in another house and play games at both places

There probably is no definitive "right"way to go...There are definitely wrong ones. You have to do what(you believe to be)evers best for each individual child. It is going to be easier if its amicable..but splitting up rarely is. I think most important factor is honesty.not necessarily spilling your guts re breakup but allow that your child may be hurt,upset,worried,relieved,delighted,sad,distraught,infinit list. Let them be truthful about how they feel.dont expect them to be understanding how you do. and never use them for bargaining or as weapons.its unforgiveable.

Explain it to them in a clear way and don't make promises that you can't keep .

Be upfront and honest. Act with dignity and do not make promises that you will be unable to keep.

It really depends on the age of the children but focus on the fact that they are still loved by both of you.

Don't give them false promises though, don't tell them they will see the parent they will no longer live with all the time if this isn't likely to happen for whatever reason.

I said that mum and dad would be living apart as we've realised we'd be happier that way. But mum is still mum, dad is still dad and we are both there for them and love them always. The kids were alright. It helps we have a good relationship so can go to parents evenings, birthday parties together without drama.

Although I have no experience with divorce, I imagine it would be best to sit down together and tell the child(ren) what is happening and try to make it as positive as possible.

Always best to be honest and tell the children together and reassure them as best you can a few of my friends have been divorced and the ones that were honest with their children have coped really well and the ones who didn’t have had issues with their children because they don’t feel they can trust their own parents now

Both parents have a right to see the children so whatever differences you have, you have to find a way to put them to one side for the sake of the children.

I know someone who has been through a divorce and it can be a very messy business. Never discuss the divorce in front of the children, act as if everything is normal, but try to explain that you need time apart. Things will be different for the kids, but a happy home is more important.

Never make promises you can't keep.

Still happily married after 25 years, so no pearls of wisdom, except to put them first, they didn't ask for any of the mess

we always try to inform my son in everything, that way he has no surprises and always encourage him to participate.always as a family

As hard as it is honesty is always the best policy when it comes to these things. Kids aren't stupid and I always think it is best to try and be as up front as you can with them as it helps them in the long run to feel as though you are being honest with them and not keeping secrets.

There's a children's club near me (Salisbury, Wiltshire) that is called Happy Spuds, and it's run by a mum who has been divorced. It not only helps her own children to deal with their parents separating, but other children too. They have both adults and peers to talk to, and they play games just for fun, as well as having structured exercises that are fun, but also help deal with their emotions. It's a simple idea, but brilliant, and, quite frankly, more resources like these are needed!

always keep the peace in front of kids

Be honest and open, and be sensitive and receptive to how the kids will be feeling after they are told. They will most likely be angry and confused which should be reacted to with care and understanding

I think it's important to keep asking them how they feel about it and to keep explaining as much as possible what might happen afterwards

It’s all very good people trotting out advice about how we should behave, I totally agree with it all but .... what do you do when one parent just won’t play by those rules? there seems so little advice, support or guidance on how to deal with this. And trite advice about honesty/ united fronts etc just serves to make me feel worse, because no matter how hard I try, I can’t make their dad change his behaviour

I've not had to go through this in my life
However, I think your approach would be different depending on your child and their age. The main thing is to keep listening to them and letting them know that both of you still love them. It isn't something that can be explained in just one conversation.

i separated from my older childrens Dad when i had a 10mth old baby and was 27 wks pregnant with baby number two. I found it incredibly difficult to be friendly after what i had been through with him. They are now 17 and 18 years old and although i have always tried to keep contact going once they got to the awkward teenager stage their Dad decided he didnt want to see them anymore which was upsetting my my eldest , but my daughter wasnt really fussed. They were upset that now they dont get to see their half brother anymore though , which i find cruel

It's important for both parents to be there for the conversation to reassure them. They need to understand that both parents are happy for the other parent to be loved, spoken about and have a full relationship with. It can be very difficult for children who are made to feel they shouldn't mention nice things about the other parent.

I'm divorced and spoke to my children about it all at length. It was a light hearted discussion because of their ages and they understood, took it really well and went off to play. Didn't seem bothered at all.

From experience, you have to tell them together