Mumsnet users share advice on how to speak to children about divorce with amicable™

[EllieMumsnet]

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Divorce isn’t something that is necessarily planned for, nor is it always expected, but sometimes life takes an unexpected turn. Going through a divorce can be difficult for anyone and everybody’s situation and circumstance is different. However when there are children involved it can make it just that little bit tougher. So if you, or your family or friends are going through a divorce, amicable™ want to know your advice on how to tell the children?

Here’s what amicable™ have to say: "There are always good ways of giving upsetting news. Preparation on the part of us parents makes things easier for our kids and starts our co-parenting relationship off on the right foot. For anyone with kids, this is perhaps the hardest part of separating to navigate. It is a difficult conversation most people don’t know how to have or when it’s best to have. To help couples who are yet to have that first hurdle and face the conversation head-on please share your tips and stories so that we can help more couples to navigate this tricky part of the process and start their co-parenting relationship off on the right foot."

If you have more than one child do you tell them all together or individually? Perhaps you phrase things differently depending on their age? Do you as parents tell them together or just one of you?

Whatever advice you have from either your own experiences or family/friend’s, share them on the thread below and everyone who comments will be entered into a prize draw where one lucky MNer will win a £300 voucher of their choice (from a list).

Thanks and good luck!
MNHQ

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Our close friends separated. They told the kids all together but it wasn't easy.

Simple
Say you love them but that you no longer love your partner.
Most important - say we have to adjust and I need you to keep in touch. I will make sure that I am always there for you and I want to see you every day.
I LOVE you.
Dad or Mum

It is so important to have respect and understanding for everyone.
NEVER score points against each other, as it is important for the children to still love and respect BOTH parents.
Try to have discussions and make agreeable discussion

@jimcocallis I actually find your comment quite offensive, saying it's "simple". No, it isn't simple at all. And taking the attitude that it is won't help children at all because it ignores their feelings when their home life is totally ripped apart.

You really think you can see a child every day?
When my child does her regular Wed overnight with her dad, should I go with her?
Should all families split contact that one parent does breakfast and the other does supper? Good luck with that.

It isn't simple at all.

And as for "I need you to keep in touch" - way to push an adult problem into the responsibility of the child

You know that plenty of kids prefer to focus on the present, enjoy their evening with mum without having to "keep in touch" with dad, or vice versa?

When me and DH separated I was lucky that he had the children’s best interests at heart and even though it was painful for the both of us, we sat with the kids and explained to them that we will always love each other as we made a family together but the marriage just isn’t working. Some things are gonna change but this is life and in life some things don’t always go the way we planned. They were really cool about it and have a mature attitude towards most things in life. I think just be straight up with your children from day one, no need to tip toe around subjects that’s they’re gonna encounter for real during their lives.

Indeed Ellis It's anything but simple. It's a heartbreaking moment for them and every situation is nuanced, and imo, not all parents will care enough (often root cause of split..)

Our children needed to know that no questions was off limits, that we understood they'd feel up and down, and that this was to be expected.

A few years later this is still the case. They have asked questions and made remarks that have hurt, and cut deep...but that's my job as their mum. To take the crap, to help them express their feelings and manage them.

Not perfect by any means but I'm so proud of the way our kids support eachother, (occasional thumps, scraps etc notwithstanding). They're supportive of me in an age appreciate way, too.

Yes I've paid a heavy price by doing this, yes it has elongated contact with ex, made things more difficult and upsetting for me, BUT, I'm laying foundations for a healthier emotional future for the kids. They deserve it.

Being honest, answering all questions, and making sure the kids know it's not their fault. Kids are always quick to feel like it is something they have done.

Just be honest

Explain in the most simple way and let them ask as many questions as they want!

Tell them together. Don't show hate (as much as it can be hard) towards one an another in front of them. Tell them you both love them and you will always be there for them.

Children may see divorce as one parent is leaving forever so need reassurance that they will still both.

As a foster carer many of the children that come into the care system come from broken family backgrounds. Unfortunately many of the children blame themselves for the family situation and certainly manipulate one parent against another. It is VERY important to show a united front. To spend time together with the child/children - even if it is only for short snippets of time as this can be so reassuring

They need to hear it from both parents, together if you can manage it. However much you want to, dont say bad things about your ex

I think it's important to be reassuring, loving, make sure they know it's not their fault and that they are loved by you both. Like another mum says what you do is important, hopefully they don't see you argue and you can behave really well afterwards

I think both tigether, frindly and no animousity. I think tell the truth as well but not have to be blunt

@TiggersAngel7774 and all the other people with the wonderfully helpful advice to "just be honest" I would love your advice on exactly how I should have worded the honest explanation to my 4.5 year old.

"Mummy has to leave Daddy because he keeps telling him not to have sex with prostitutes, but he keeps lying and says he hasn't, and carries on".

Just be honest
What fucking planet are you on?

As my husband and I are still together, this is not something that I have had to deal with, although from experience of other people's divorces, it does seem really important to reassure the child that it is not their fault at all.

Luckily I've not had to from a personal perspective, but we are open and honest about if their friends mummies and daddies live in separate houses.

Oh that's big of you to be open and honest about us divorced parents!
What else are you going to do? Lie to your kid that we're not single parents?

What is your advice exactly?
Or are you just trying to win a voucher?
There's some total bollocks on this thread from people who are lucky to have absolutely no idea what it's like to have to tell their child about divorce.

My mum and dad got divorced when I was too young to remember. However as I got older, my mum always told me things about my dad that I didn't really need to know and couldn't understand so when I was 12, I decided not to see him anymore. I got back in touch with him when I had children of my own and learnt that he is the nicest person and I take after him a lot. It's a shame that I didn't have him in my life for 13 years just because of things my mum used to say about him. It's very important that you do not say anything bad to your child about their father/mother otherwise you risk them making a bad decision when they do not have the understanding or wisdom to do so.

Sit down calmly. Be honest and tell them together and that you both still love them ( the children )

Ellisandra

I totally agree.

I have chuckled my way through most of this thread.

@wishingandwaiting I'm so glad I'm not alone!

So much bollocks.

Tell them you love them. Well - if your child needs to be told that, you fucked up parenting way before the divorce announcement.
Tell them it's not their fault? Ditto.

I really want all the "honesty" posters to come back and give me the words to honestly explain prostitution to a pre-schooler.

If you are the kind of couple who would seek out to pay for this service to use this service together - you don't need it.

As a PP said, far more needed is decent advice on how to handle it one sided when one party won't put the children first.

Nailed it ellisandra.

My ex other half (a genuinely very good man and father) scarpered when we told the children. literally right in the middle of telling them.

How refreshingly honest of him!