Mumsnet users share advice on how to speak to children about divorce with amicable™

[EllieMumsnet]

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Divorce isn’t something that is necessarily planned for, nor is it always expected, but sometimes life takes an unexpected turn. Going through a divorce can be difficult for anyone and everybody’s situation and circumstance is different. However when there are children involved it can make it just that little bit tougher. So if you, or your family or friends are going through a divorce, amicable™ want to know your advice on how to tell the children?

Here’s what amicable™ have to say: "There are always good ways of giving upsetting news. Preparation on the part of us parents makes things easier for our kids and starts our co-parenting relationship off on the right foot. For anyone with kids, this is perhaps the hardest part of separating to navigate. It is a difficult conversation most people don’t know how to have or when it’s best to have. To help couples who are yet to have that first hurdle and face the conversation head-on please share your tips and stories so that we can help more couples to navigate this tricky part of the process and start their co-parenting relationship off on the right foot."

If you have more than one child do you tell them all together or individually? Perhaps you phrase things differently depending on their age? Do you as parents tell them together or just one of you?

Whatever advice you have from either your own experiences or family/friend’s, share them on the thread below and everyone who comments will be entered into a prize draw where one lucky MNer will win a £300 voucher of their choice (from a list).

Thanks and good luck!
MNHQ

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I have never experienced divorce directly but I have had family and friends go through it. One friend found it impossible to stay calm through all the negotiations so I suggested that she and her ex communicated by letter and let someone see her questions, requests, comments before hand so that there was a delay between over emotional initial responses and the final letter. Friends can help take out the emotion and rewrite only the salient points and make assertive rather than aggressive requests - I am told this really helped.

When you tell the children ensure both parents are there and tell them it's not their fault and of course you both still love them

You just need to show them a united front, whatever is going on in the background between yourselves as parents and reassure them that it doesn't affect how you feel about them.

Ours are older so was more a relief I think but we were just honest x

Tell them quickly, truthfully worts and all.Nothing worse than protecting their feelings as they will trust you less if other things come out later.

Tell them at a time that's good for them. When they aren't getting ready for bed - waiting to visit friends or anything else. Choose a quiet free time that makes sense for them.

Stay calm but let them feel how they feel. Don't try and shut down or push back their emotions. it is likely to hurt for a while and that's ok. You are there to support them.

Put your personal grievances behind you and put your child/ren first, this is the most important news they will ever receive and this moment will stay with them for a long long time so how it is delivered is so important. Tell them you will always put them first, they will always be loved and mummy and daddy will always love them forever. Ask the child how THEY are feeling, and if they have any questions and answer them honestly, and don't give false hope or promises.

There is no right and wrong answer as to how any parents would deal with a situation like this. The parents know the kids better than anyone and are best placed as to how to break the news. Of course the ages of the kids can determine how best to break the news. I think that it would be best if both parents sat down with their kids and explain why the divorce is happening. Of course it must be made perfectly clear to the kids that in way are they at fault for the divorce. It must also be made clear that even though their parents may be separating they will always be there for their kids.

My parents got divorced when I was 16 and they did it in totally the wrong way! My mum just upped and left with a family friend and we didn't see her again until that relationship broke down. My Dad was wonderful though and despite being upset and unhappy, it brought is all a lot closer. I am hopeful that I will never be in that situation with my kids but if I was, I would hope that we would be able to sit down and tell them together what was happening and why and that they were still the most important thing to us.

Remember that the children are innocent...they are not to blame. Tell them that everyday!

My sister's divorce wasn't at all amicable as he was abusive. My sister had to get away from him when he threatened my nephew when he was just 18 months old so he never really knew his Dad although he used to keep turning up to see him even though there was an injunction against him. When he was in his late teens she gave him the opportunity to decide if he wanted a relationship with him but thankfully he didn't

Honesty is key as the child will have lasting memories. Divorce puts a lot of pressure on the children affected.

It is very hard to keep feelings hidden when you are going through it all but presenting a calm front and plenty of reassurance throughout if you can manage it!

The splitting was hard enough for all of us so we kept friends and the children did what they could, although they could not understand it. I think by staying friends was more complicated but in the long run they accepted and later got used to it, we stayed a family in a different way.
I remember taking the kids out a lot and having their friends over. Plenty of healthy activities for all of us, it helped to get very tired at the end of the day. Hardly at home.

Explaining to the child that they are loved regardless and will always be put first but you cannot live together anymore. The child needs to know that is nothing they have done and they can talk to you about it as much as they need.

I tried to maintain the fact that nothing much would change and that they were still loved by both parents.

Tell them all at the same time, face to face, in a comfortable environment where they can talk freely and ask questions.
Focus on the continued love you both still have for them (& always will) and reassurances that you are still their parents and still there for them whatever happens.

I still find this extremely hard to do, some 5 years after the divorce, I knew how hard it would also impact on my son and the emotional scaring it would leave. I have read with great interest the comments so far, but all I can do is to suggest you trust your instinct and do what you think is best at the time. Hateful time, really is

I have never been through divorce and am fairly certain that if I did, we would be fully amicable as we've been together since we were teenagers and are a good team plus we discuss things well and are pretty relaxed people who don't let things fester. My daughter and I joke that even if we had divorced, my DH wouldn't have noticed and would still live here and carry on the same! However, I've often discussed it with the kids because there's always someone they know whose parents are in the process of splitting up. I've told them that people change in different ways throughout their lives based on their experiences and they don't always change in ways that complement each other. Sometimes people decide they no longer feel happy with someone who they once expected to be with forever and sometimes they don't deal with their unhappiness in a grown up way. So it is okay for couples to split, friendships to break up etc etc. It isn't the fault of anyone else, but the grown ups in question may be a bit sad and a bit cross with each other, especially if only one of them wants to split up.
And if it was me that was in that situation I'd make sure we sat them all together and told them how much we loved them and that we would always be a family, even if it was more disjointed going forwards. I would make sure that I never made them feel they had to take sides and that they could come to either of us with any negative feeling they may be having.
I get so mad when I hear of people that act like children over divorce. It doesn't have to be that way.

Close friends of ours have recently gone through a divorce and both dealt with it differently. They split because they grew apart and fell out of love, it was a mutual decision, but while he tried to keep it amicable and friendly (for want of a better word), she was more resentful and difficult which has lead to a breakdown in friendships with mutual friends. I know it must be difficult but 2 years down the road he is in a much better place than she is and I feel a lot of that is to do with how they both acted when it happened.

My divorce was very acrimonious. My other half refused to tell them together which made things harder. I told them alone and made sure I didn't run their father down or blame him in any way. He did the opposite when he saw them alone sadly. However, children are smart and as they grow, They remember or realise which parent did the right thing in the right way.

Remember that you and your husband/ partner are divorcing, the kids are not divorcing anyone. Do not involve them in the squabble and reassuring that everything will be OK is very important.

Tell them it isn't their fault.

tell them together so there is no.how could you tell them before me talking. but be prepare for different ages and so level of understanding and reactions.for instance a youngster might cry and a teenager run out yelling.so you need to then speak to them on their own allowing each specific emotional level to ask question or be held in their own space. give each child time with you to understand it.
no matter what age seeing mum and dad split is horrible.self blame.fear.change its some of the worst human emotions to go through.so when its happening with people you love?,,,

let them no how much you love them and that nothing has changed in the way youll both want to be there.also let them no you might get things wrong for a while or sometimes.but its because together we just need to figure things out.but its not on prupose or anything to do with anything they've done wrong.it will just take time for things to get routine again.
ask them how they are feeling.
tell them anything they are thinking of warrented and don't be afraid to talk it through.
even if they are try not to make anyone the bad one.often too because in this case the bad guy will somehow be then the victim.(how bullys work)
try be together and united.
leave space for them to talk and fill.they might no more or less than you think or be thinking more or less than you think.
I found the older kids regressed.it was mummy and daddy splitting?!and emotionaly they all lowered in age by some years.
remember its tough for all of you.let them feel they are comforting you too but don't let them think they cant show emotions then because they want to make mum happy again or don't want to say something to upset.
our youngest said and agreed with everything and did some quite harmful things because he wanted to fix things and didn't want mum to no what was happening because she would cry again.