Mumsnet users share advice on how to speak to children about divorce with amicable™

[EllieMumsnet]

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Divorce isn’t something that is necessarily planned for, nor is it always expected, but sometimes life takes an unexpected turn. Going through a divorce can be difficult for anyone and everybody’s situation and circumstance is different. However when there are children involved it can make it just that little bit tougher. So if you, or your family or friends are going through a divorce, amicable™ want to know your advice on how to tell the children?

Here’s what amicable™ have to say: "There are always good ways of giving upsetting news. Preparation on the part of us parents makes things easier for our kids and starts our co-parenting relationship off on the right foot. For anyone with kids, this is perhaps the hardest part of separating to navigate. It is a difficult conversation most people don’t know how to have or when it’s best to have. To help couples who are yet to have that first hurdle and face the conversation head-on please share your tips and stories so that we can help more couples to navigate this tricky part of the process and start their co-parenting relationship off on the right foot."

If you have more than one child do you tell them all together or individually? Perhaps you phrase things differently depending on their age? Do you as parents tell them together or just one of you?

Whatever advice you have from either your own experiences or family/friend’s, share them on the thread below and everyone who comments will be entered into a prize draw where one lucky MNer will win a £300 voucher of their choice (from a list).

Thanks and good luck!
MNHQ

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Have had to explain what it's all about when friends or their friends parents split. Just keeping it very plain and simple and not making it a drama seems to satisfy their want for knowledge in enough detail without going overboard.

telling the children as early as possible is essential. then to prepare them you should be open and honest but never criticise or let them hear you say anything negative about your ex.

NO SECRETS, children always know more than you think and a lot more than you want them to. Most of the time, children respect honesty. and remember its the parents getting divorced not the children and they should not used or pay the price

I have witnessed friends marriage break ups both amicable and horrible. I feel that the children should be told together in a way suitable for their age with lots of reassurance that they are loved the same and it's not their fault.

Tell them together and let them know it will not change the way you love them. I would try keep to normal routine where possible and if ex partner can stay involved as much as possible and don't bitch with each other be civilised for the sake of the kids let them know it's OK to talk about how they feel

I split from from first partner and they talked badly about me to both my young child and to others when she was there. My daughter would repeat everything to me after returning and I felt so sorry for her, and all I could say was don't worry about it, it doesn't matter and that she should try to ignore it. I never spoke to my ex again because of this and other behaviour! So anyone out there, please put the child/children first as they love both of you, not how you feel/or are towards each other since the relationship broke down, do not abuse the power if you are the 'main' parent!

I'd be honest , nothing is worse than being lied to. I'm only gone for a few days etc turns in to never coming back.

I believe that telling them together and answering their questions honestly is very important. Emphasis has to be on making the separation easy on the children and ensuring that it is something that has happened between the adults and not because of them.
If at all possible making important decisions as a family is a good idea.

i would tell them separate to give them the comfort and undertanding at their different ages

my ex made such a terrible job of being a father I have long been their only parent, nothing to do with how they were told.

Be Honest, try and put aside your adult differences for the sake of the children, remember not to make them feel that they have anything to do with it.

Tell the children together and try to never speak badly about your separated partner in earshot of the kids

Its important that despite their differences they act civilly when their children are present.

My parents separated when I was 9 years old, my mum didn't exactly tell me they are separated, she told me he's going away on a business trip and he just stayed away. I was too young to fully grasp what was going on at the time, it was harder on my older brothers and sister, luckily my mum has been very supported and been a rock for us.

Being as honest as possible throughout with plenty of reassurance. As far as telling them all together then yes absolutely unless this is age prohibitive. Never put difficult decisions their way.

honesty and keeping things amicable. Parents shouldn't be using the kids to pass messages ect and no bad mouthing to or about the other parent.

i think what is important is that telling the kids that even though you are getting divorced you still care for each other and will still begood friends. my parents constantly spoke bad about the other and i felt i was forced to take sides. a kid should never have to choose a "favourite" parent

Think about how your children will react, about how you will be poorer, about what you are discarding, about whether you have truly done your best in your relationship - and think about "turning back".......

It is probably best to have the initial discussion with everyone there, with one to one talks later when the kids have had some time to process their thoughts.

Tell everyone together & only tell what they need to know, keep it simple, with no recriminations. Make sure they know they can ask questions at any time & that both parents still love them as much as ever

tell them together as there all equal

Be as honest and amicable as possible, my ex and I are good friends and didn't need court to sort out child care.

The most important thing is to tell them "It's not their fault" and be as united as possible in that.

Tell the Children together make it clear that both of you will be in their lives forever and will always be there for them, keep the atmosphere calm and relaxed and never argue in front of the children

Speaking as an adult who, as a child, lived through a parent's divorce my only two points, which i can't stress enough, is 1) make sure your children feel safe, and loved by both of you and 2) don't run each other down to your children/in front of your children.