Mumsnet users share advice on how to speak to children about divorce with amicable™

[EllieMumsnet]

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Divorce isn’t something that is necessarily planned for, nor is it always expected, but sometimes life takes an unexpected turn. Going through a divorce can be difficult for anyone and everybody’s situation and circumstance is different. However when there are children involved it can make it just that little bit tougher. So if you, or your family or friends are going through a divorce, amicable™ want to know your advice on how to tell the children?

Here’s what amicable™ have to say: "There are always good ways of giving upsetting news. Preparation on the part of us parents makes things easier for our kids and starts our co-parenting relationship off on the right foot. For anyone with kids, this is perhaps the hardest part of separating to navigate. It is a difficult conversation most people don’t know how to have or when it’s best to have. To help couples who are yet to have that first hurdle and face the conversation head-on please share your tips and stories so that we can help more couples to navigate this tricky part of the process and start their co-parenting relationship off on the right foot."

If you have more than one child do you tell them all together or individually? Perhaps you phrase things differently depending on their age? Do you as parents tell them together or just one of you?

Whatever advice you have from either your own experiences or family/friend’s, share them on the thread below and everyone who comments will be entered into a prize draw where one lucky MNer will win a £300 voucher of their choice (from a list).

Thanks and good luck!
MNHQ

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i told them together using a disney reference
i told them daddy and mummy are not true loves but still in the same team- so like on frozen he’s not my kristoff but my olaf- we’re still good friends to this day and they really understood it

I’m a teacher, and students often come to us for support if they cannot go to their parents. I find if parents communicate, they are reasonable, and do not fight in front of the kids. If at all possible, get support or get out before it becomes hostile.
Then, be generous. You loved that person once. Be as respectful as you are able while still maintaining boundaries. That does not mean get taken for granted. But be civil. And adult in your actions.

Honesty is always the best policy and doing your very best not to let them know the pain or distress you are feeling. Not burdening them with details and not getting in the way of their relationship with the other parent. Not always possible as in some cases they need protecting. Children must come first imo.

For the children: be honest, factual and also allow yourself to be sad (they will feel sad, and will find it strange if you're not)
For the adults: put your children's needs first. Really, really put them first. They have two parents they love. Respect that and work together to make their new, different situations happy.
I have not divorced, but have seen plenty do so - many handled well, but some with such painful actions that I cannot believe they qualify as adults (and are certainly not acting with parental care).

We told them together. Thankfully no third party and very amicable. We told them that we still loved one another but some people are not compatible to live together.

We did everything we could not to disrupt their routines, so I have stayed in the marital house with the children. They won’t miss out on a single party / school activity / anything because of the divorce ie if a party falls on the weekend with my ex, he will still take them.

It works.

My DH and I faced divorce last year after I discovered he’d been having an affair. My own parents divorced when I was a child and this influenced the way in which I approached it with my 5 DC.

They were worrying themselves sick by all the upset and crying/rowing etc they were witnessing. Giving them the basic facts, without giving them any of the grim details, helped address that fear. I feel strongly that children should be spared the burden of the failings of the broken down relationship and that the information they are given should centre around explaining what changes might happen and reassuring them that they are loved, safe and going to be looked after. I also think that it’s really important that older children don’t feel like they need to ‘step up’ to replace one of the adults, thereby relinquishing the rest of their childhood. This happened to me age 9 when my mum left and I turned into a little wife/mother overnight, trying to care for my brother and my dad. When my DH and I went through this, I was at pains to make sure that I continued to parent my 15 year old DD in exactly the same way as my 3 year old DD.

Reassure your children that whether their parents now hate each other or not, it is NOT their fault. That the children are loved by both parents.

But most importantly is not what you tell them then. But your actions afterwards. Don't slag off your ex partner. Don't play games with access and money. Don't cancel access arrangements. Don't be late picking up your kids. Both go to important events such as parents evenings and plays. Don't introduce someone new, or move in with them, weeks later.

Those actions, they have a huge impact far far more than the initial talk. Those actions are what are remembered 20-30 years on, not the initial talk.

I agree about honesty (as long as age appropriate). I think this is key as well as not trying to point score.

My ex was emotionally abusive and when it ended he seized the opportunity to pick the kids up from school while I was at work and tell them mummy didn’t love daddy anymore - he then called me up at work and held the phone up so that I could hear them crying bastard! I’ve since done as much damage limitation as I can but I will be sure to explain it to them when they’re adults. Right now it’s about assuring them I love them no matter what and none of it was their fault.

I wish, I wish we had handled it better. I begged my now ex to go to counselling to help our little girl, who took it really badly. He simply walked out without explaining, spent six weeks getting drunk and not explaining. They do not now have a relationship.

I would think that sorting out your differences at a couple privately first so that when you talk you your child/children you are calm and united, as least for that talk.

Honesty, no point scoring or negativity about the other, and making sure that the children never hear about things from others

I think telling the children together is possible, you don't want them to associate divorce with being away from their sibling. Explain how it might be hard, but that you are open to questions and also keep it friendly without bad mouthing the other parent (even if you're really angry, be strong for the kids).

I do think it's important to make sure both parents maintain interest in schooling etc too.

Sit down as a family and tell them together. Make sure they know it has nothing to do with them and that although things may change reassure them you are always there for them and will always love them. Try and part with your partner on good terms.

I didn't make a big deal of it at all. When we moved out I made sure that I had our new home all put together in a welcoming way. They went to school that morning from one hous and we went home that day to our new home. We spoke about why mummy and daddy were no longer together and what us meant for them.

They were so excited by the new place they didn't really miss their father for the first week. He made the decision not to see them as he was busy 🙄 but I made sure they were okay.

I didn't speak badly about their father and encouraged him to make an effort. They do see him now on a regular basis but they still aren't his priority.

All I can do is continue not to slam him as it would make them feel bad and I can make sure they know they come first for me.

I find it easier when I remember to make my decisions based on what is best for them, the decisions are clear at that point.

Be as honest as you can and give them as much information as you can so that they don't have to second guess or think you're keeping something from them. Emphasise the no blame and lots and lots of reassuring and voicing the love you have for them.

Talk to the children and reassure them it’s not their fault. Repeatedly

It's not just telling them when the initial split happens, but ensuring that the kids feel they can talk about it ongoing. Sometimes it takes 6 months for the reality to hit.

I have a friend who has been generous to his ex when talking to his kids, never bad mouthing her. This is really important, but doesn't a point have to come once the kids are older when they deserve to be let in to the reasons why the split happened? I think if people have behaved badly, kids need to know and understand (age appropRiately) why the split had to happen. Pretending bad behaviour didn't appen and a false veneer of forgiveness do not model healthy relationships to kids.

I told my 9 yr old son that Mummy and Daddy no longer wanted to be together but we both still loved him very much and always would. We split amicably so it was easier on him. I told my son that Daddy would be spending more time away from home but will be back often to see him. At first he was upset but keeping to what we said over time he is now ok about the situation.

Be open, honest, and don't be surprised if the child knows way more than you ever dreamed!
Little rabbits have big ears my Nan always said, and its so true!
My parents divorced and never told us anything, they just turned round one day, said they were no longer happy and that my brother was moving out along with my dad.
I swore from that day if that ever happened to me, I would be so open with my child, as I was left scared, lonely, hurt and bewildered, and my best friend was gone, was like having a limb torn off.
I have four beautiful kids, and a loving wonderful husband, and I know, circumstances can be unforeseen, and we have always said if anything should ever happened to us as a couple, we would be straight with the kids, we would not rip their worlds apart the way it happened to me, but work together at making sure their lives stayed on an even keel.
We would never talk down about the other, as I remember all too well, you badmouth a parent to a child, that child takes the pain onto themselves.... xxx

doesn't a point have to come once the kids are older when they deserve to be let in to the reasons why the split happened?

See I don't think this point does exist. What happens between the parents to cause the split, actually doesn't need to be shared with anyone at all. A split isn't always because of someone's bad behaviour, and even if it is you can't then bring it up 10-20 years later?

Be as straightforward as you can, don't bring in the adult issues to it and tell them they can always ask questions and chat with you about it.

I think always to be honest and open

With my dsd my husband has always been very honest with her and said that mummy and daddy just didn’t love each other any more and wanted to just be friends but that they loved her and always will. He also explains that some times people make better friends. She was very young when it happened so in a way knows no different but understands that mummy and daddy did love each other and our now friends and boys and girls can just be friends.

Keep how and what you tell the DC age appropriate and reassure them as much as possible.

I don't think one conversation is that important in the grand scheme of things, it's more the ongoing process and whether conflict continues is what is important. If the parents are able to reassure the children their love for them is unchanged and it isn't their fault, and are able to be amicable with each other is much more important in the long term.