Tell me, Count Olaf, the lies you've told your children - chance to win £300 voucher NOW CLOSED

[CountOlaf]

My dear MNers,

It is I, Count Olaf. Those fools charming fellows at MNHQ have temporarily allowed me to take the reins, and while I have them, I propose that - rather than your usual milksop fare (driveway parking, houmous, and whatnot) - we discuss something rather more meaty.

I want you to tell me the terrible lies you have told your DCs.

By 'lie' I mean, of course, an intentionally false statement - rather like the fiendish zinger I have (thus far) got away with telling those wretched Baudelaire orphans, following the tragic (boo hoo ) death of their darling Ps: that is, that I have their very best interests at heart, and certainly did not become their guardian with the sole intention of getting my hands on their sizeable inheritance. To which end, I have, as some of you may already be aware, developed a suite of cunning disguises to prevent them from wriggling from my grasp.

So do tell - what are the magnificent lies you have told your DCs. Maybe you've told them a single bed has plenty of room for 3 DCs to share? Or that rocks are toys? Share your devious methods below and I will reward one of you with a £300 voucher...but only one of you, of course: life isn’t fair!

Yours ingeniously,

Count Olaf

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

My DC believe that Father Christmas texts with me on a regular basis and that we exchanged details on their behaviour every day during the run up to Christmas.

I persuaded my DDs to put their dummies into the fire, so that Santa could melt them down and use them to make toys for Christmas.
In the run up to Christmas, my now 17 and 18 year olds reminded me of this, claiming to have been horribly scarred by my lies!

That the extensive seaside entertainment available not five minutes' walk from our house is not for local people to use, but for tourists. DS has very patiently watched many of our visitors ride the log flume, rollercoaster, dodgems and carousels as I refuse to give the horrible owners any money.

And that an inch-high Cathy Clugston actually lives inside the TomTom.

The tooth fairy wrote DS a long letter about H&S requirements and how she couldn't deliver any coins until his room was tidier (when I forgot...) Explainiñ why flying didn't help was a bit tricky.

Amazing how many toys you can't replace the batteries of.

It wasn't me who told them the ice cream van music means they've run out, but all ones without music are being refurbished like the one round the corner (now being filled by a hoarder).

I tell the usual like fc, santa and the like. but i've also made a few of my own. you tube doesn't work on x device/batterys flat.
spicy for stuff i dont want to share. theres a man in the atm who decides if we have money to spend. oh yes ds thats not califlour its white broccoli. im bad aren't I.

When my son was 6/7ish he started with a nasty habbit of spitting, it drove us crazy and we tried everything. Then one day when we went off to the coast I had the idea of telling him that it was illegal, I didnt go as far as him being arrested if he got caught, but he would be fined all the money he had saved up. I did work tho.

I tell my children to eat up their plates of rice otherwise they will marry a spotty husband. The more rice you leave, the spottier your husband is going to be.

I told my son his new haircut looked "fine, really good" after accidentally shaving a bald stripe in the back.

We told the DC when they were little that there's a special breed of sheep that live on hillsides - they are bred to have 2 shorter legs on one side and 2 longer legs on the other side so that they can stand upright on the hillside and walk around with ease.

We (including the DC) still laugh about it now when we drive past a hill with sheep on.

I've just remembered another one ....... (this started when we were staying with the ILs one Christmas) In the ILs house they have a burglar alarm that has sensors in each room. The sensors are tiny boxes in the corner by the ceiling and it flashes a red light when it detects movement.
We told the DC that it was Father Christmas's camera keeping an eye on them to make sure they were behaving and that when it flashed it meant he was watching them.

FromIbiza

My teacher at secondary school told me that except it was mountain goats not sheep.

I believed that longer than I like to admit...my dad took the piss for ages

When DD was 3 she was eating a plum and despite being told many many many many many times not to put the stone in her mouth she swallowed it.
I looked horrified and told her a plum tree was going to grow out of her bum.
She checked for growth on a regular basis for weeks and told everyone at nursery! 😳

FromIbiza and Soubriquet I'm afraid I think you'll find that those creatures are in fact Haggis - to catch them you chase them round the hill anticlockwise so they fall over then you catch them and eat them!

My dad told my sister and I that there were two teams of little men, running along a tunnel under the middle of the road at night - one team turning on the catseyes in front of the car, and the second one turning them off behind it.

I doubt that was a lie though - my dad wouldn't lie ....... would he?

Ice cream van has run out of icecream

I have a hotline to Santa, which I can call at anytime, I actually have a screenshot of a picture of santa saved on my phone.

I left my purse at home and only brought enough money for two pints of milk.

My own my mother created an elaborate lie about "the dwarf of Wimstress" who comes to cut fingernails when you are asleep, she would put on a silly voice and Marigolds and knock on our windows at night pretending to be the dwarf!

I'm sorry, but I don't believe you are Count Olaf - your writing style is all wrong. I suspect you of being a cake sniffer.

My son was scared of monsters, at bedtime, I told him that monsters only like smelly, dirty houses. And nice flowery smells to them smell how really pongy, eggs farts smell to us humans, and that's why we have a plug in air freshener, in the downstairs hall, as when they open the letterbox and smell the nice fragrance it grosses them out and they run away

I told my daughter that she shouldn't keep opening the glove compartment in the car (she was being nosey and I had a secret chocolate stash in there!!) because it was very dangerous and the car could suddenly stop when it gets opened. 😉

There is a book in the library called "The Good Mummy Book".
It is a manual that you only get to read in the library once you become a Mummy.
It tells us what we should allow children to do and not do and lots of other really important advice.
Any unpopular decisions I made were because that's what the book said.
It wasn't my fault they weren't allowed to do x,y,z - it said in the book they couldn't.

That lemons were called melons and custard was called mustard and vice versa... Just for giggles.

I was once caught eating chocolate while trying to keep my toddler from eating the sugary treat..when asked what I was eating for some reason I answered "dog poo"...!

when my son was 3 he ventured into the spare bedroom just before Christmas, he spotted all the presents and was curious, I told him that I had a part time job working as a santas elf and was working from home...he believed me for some years and told his cousins that mummy has a very important job and to be careful not to be naughty around me.