Tell me, Count Olaf, the lies you've told your children - chance to win £300 voucher NOW CLOSED

[CountOlaf]

My dear MNers,

It is I, Count Olaf. Those fools charming fellows at MNHQ have temporarily allowed me to take the reins, and while I have them, I propose that - rather than your usual milksop fare (driveway parking, houmous, and whatnot) - we discuss something rather more meaty.

I want you to tell me the terrible lies you have told your DCs.

By 'lie' I mean, of course, an intentionally false statement - rather like the fiendish zinger I have (thus far) got away with telling those wretched Baudelaire orphans, following the tragic (boo hoo ) death of their darling Ps: that is, that I have their very best interests at heart, and certainly did not become their guardian with the sole intention of getting my hands on their sizeable inheritance. To which end, I have, as some of you may already be aware, developed a suite of cunning disguises to prevent them from wriggling from my grasp.

So do tell - what are the magnificent lies you have told your DCs. Maybe you've told them a single bed has plenty of room for 3 DCs to share? Or that rocks are toys? Share your devious methods below and I will reward one of you with a £300 voucher...but only one of you, of course: life isn’t fair!

Yours ingeniously,

Count Olaf

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

My ds asked me how old I am. 'How old do you think I am?' I said. '18' he said. 'Yep that will do' I said . ..... I'm 44 😳

My eldest is obsessed with chewing gum. I wouldn't mind him having some but he does a few chews and then swallows, every time!
I told him that the prime minister had made a new law that you have to be 16 to have chewing gum now. It's turned in to a long elaborate lie involving applying for a CG license and little devices put inside the chewing gum

My little one is only two but we're starting him early...

Refused to eat turkey at Christmas because he'd met some at the play farm and loved them. So we told him it was a kangaroo and he tucked in. Trip to the zoo this year may be traumatic.

Every time we walk past one of those ride on things outside shops - "oh dear it's broken!"

He got attached to the ants that kept finding their way in from a nest outside the front window. DH put boiling water down the best (I'm not sure that's either effective or humane but there you go...) DS was upset so I told him daddy was making them a water slide and swimming pool!

We sort of fell into letting the children believe that the television signal doesn't come to our house ....

So, although we let them watch the odd DVD, they never watch actual telly or iPad/YouTube streaming at home. In a way it's great, but it has kind of backfired in that if the TV is on when they go for a play date somewhere else they morph into obsessed zombies and are hypnotised by it.

The irony in all this is that DH is a TV Producer/cameraman ...

They are going to be sooooo outraged when they find out (it has been 7 years).

That the motion detectors are spy cameras from Santa and when they are grey (not triggered) the elves are watching and when it's red it's Santa .... we are really mean and keep it going all year. Last week my dd (4) stood in front of it to let the elves know she was star of the week in school and she wanted to add it to her 'good' list 🙊🙊🙊

As I don't like the idea of dd (nearly 4) thinking Santa brings everything and therefore she can have anything she wants. I've told her that people by presents and they get posted in magic postboxes that only adults can see, they then get collected by fairies and taken to Santa so he can check they're ok, arrange wrapping and deliver them. :) I catch her trying to spot magic postboxes now.

I am trying to encourage my DS (6) to try new foods. I asked him to taste a chunk of Stilton. He asked me if the blue/green bits were mould. I looked him straight in the eye and said no.

After forgetting to exchange a tooth for some money under Dd's pillow for the 2nd night running.....

I explained that the tooth fairy is overworked and under paid. She has had a lot of teeth to collect since Christmas due to all the chocolate little Dc are eating but if she doesn't book up her ideas I will be sending a written complaint to her head office for upsetting my Dd!

Needless to say the tooth fairy heard me and on the 3rd night order was restored.

I tell a few daft ones that I mostly made up to entertain myself on long journeys with bored moany kids, my absolute favourite one, because they believe it completely, is that seagulls are grown from seeds in fields, so whenever we drive past a farmer plowing a field and it's of seagulls looking for tasty things that have been plowed up the kids scream "seagull farm". They once saw a field full of crows and shouted "crow farm" so I replied "don't be ridiculous, crows don't grow from seeds!", the looks of confusion were brilliant

Wind is caused by trees waving at each other....

I told DD that her beloved hamster had died a natural death when in fact the cat got it in the night and we found it in the cat basket on top of the Fridge Freezer.

Fortunately the children were not early risers as I discovered the cage upside down on the kitchen floor ( they had been together for 2 years at night) when going down to make a cup of tea at 7.00am and hastily placed dead hamster on it's 'good' side in her nest.

She's 30 and still doesn't know the truth!

I told my son that a monster lived under his bed, and that it would only ever come out if he got out of his bed, or didn't go to sleep after bedtime. Those were the best few nights of sleep we had!

The swimming pool / soft play isn't open today
The wi-fi doesn't work between 10pm and 8am

No, dear, haggis isn't a stomach bag of nasty mushed-up body parts. It's an animal. And you catch the famously shy haggis beast by means of a lettuce leaf, some ground black pepper and a brick. Specially trained haggis catchers lay the lettuce leaves on bricks, and sprinkle with pepper. The hungry haggis is drawn in by the delicious smell of lettuce, the pepper makes it sneeze and it knocks itself out on the brick.

Then the haggis catchers just come along and bag them. Oh, and haggis fur is tartan.

DD2 was being a little monster with her behaviour in the run up to Christmas when she was younger. She came down one morning to find a not on the Christmas tree from the Elf in charge of good behaviour to say that her name had been moved to the "may not get presents" list but that she could earn her way back onto the "good" list if she behaved between then and Christmas. After initially bursting into tears, her behaviour improved considerably and so on Christmas Eve I called the home phone from my mobile and answered the call apparently astonished to get a call from the Elf who had written the letter. I was pleased to pass on the message to DD2 that her name had made it back to the good children list and she would be waking up to presents the next morning.

She obviously learned the truth a couple of years later...she still hasn't forgiven me!

Walking to school one day I came across a dead pigeon on the path. I hastily moved it into a bush out of sight thinking DDs hadn't seen it but DD2 had noticed what I had done and asked me why I had put the pigeon in the bush. I told her I put it there so that the Angels can come and collect it to take it up to Heaven. She was satisfied with the answer and thought I was being kind to the pigeon. Some months later she was travelling on a train with my mother and her friends. Sadly the mother of one of the friends had passed away. DD2 told my mother's friend she was sorry to hear that her mother had died - and then asked if her mother had been put in a bush!! Somewhat confused they explained that she had a funeral. It took a bit of explaining from me when we later met up!! Thankfully my mother's friend saw the funny side.

That the gooey bit in Double Deckers is mushroom foam.

They hate mushrooms but I bloody love Double Deckers and I want to eat one, just one thing, without having to share it!

I moved the hands of the clock forward and told them it was 9.30pm when it was only 8.30pm to get some peace and quiet.

I moved the hands of the clock forward and told them it was 9.30pm when it was only 8.30pm to get some peace and quiet.

I moved the hands of the clock forward and told them it was 9.30pm when it was only 8.30pm to get some peace and quiet.

That beef must be a breed of carrot as weve never seen a Beef running in a field.
Favourite one is that my 2year old DD thinks the ice cream van is the fish man, last summer i had no change for ice cream so when the van came round we told the toddlers it was the fishman. She now shouts fish man fish man as she dances to the ice cream vans tune.

Desperate to stop ds falling asleep in warm car on way home coming up to Christmas "Can I hear bells? Over there?" up like a lark "yeah! I hear them too" eagerly trying to spot Father Christmas over the rooftops.

Ice-cream van only rings bells when sold out of ice-cream.

Ds obsessed with crocodiles, crossing bridge over tidal river "look at that crocodile down there!" (a big log) gasps of awe from ds.

These are from when kids were small, now still living here with us had a new en-suite put in, the shower initially only dished out very hot water, despite getting it sorted have told ds and dd it's still playing up and best to stick to using the shower in their bathroom

When the ice-cream van sounds its noise, it means it is out of icecream - !

I told my sons that the cupboard I kept the presents in for Christmas was actually a vortex and if they opened the door they would be swallowed up by the vortex and would end up in outer space.

I also told them that they used to have an older brother called Jimmy who I turned into a frog for being naughty. I told them that Jimmy came to the back door and kept saying "ribbet, ribbet" to try and get my attention.

They weren't particular scared of these revelations but they believed every word.

This isn't strictly to my own children, but as a family we told a terrible lie to my little brother when he was small, one I plan to repeat when my LO is bigger...

We conspired to make out like chocolate boxes only came with coffee flavour chocolates.

Each time we opened a box myself and my sister would bicker viciously over who got the (hated) coffee ones. Him being several years younger he would just want whatever we wanted, not realising it was all a trick. Of course myself and my sister would eventually graciously allow him to have them and would carefully separate them all out for him (My parents were fully aware of what we were doing I hasten to add!)

After a year or so it got to a point where we didn't need to bicker and he would just be automatically given his own little pile of coffee chocolates.

I still remember his little face when one day, several years later, he accidentally got a strawberry cream in his pile. He must have been about 6 years old. The look of just wonder and delight at what he was tasting mixing with betrayal and anger as he realised what we had done, and what we had hidden from him for all those years...

Ah, happy memories.