Tell me, Count Olaf, the lies you've told your children - chance to win £300 voucher NOW CLOSED

[CountOlaf]

My dear MNers,

It is I, Count Olaf. Those fools charming fellows at MNHQ have temporarily allowed me to take the reins, and while I have them, I propose that - rather than your usual milksop fare (driveway parking, houmous, and whatnot) - we discuss something rather more meaty.

I want you to tell me the terrible lies you have told your DCs.

By 'lie' I mean, of course, an intentionally false statement - rather like the fiendish zinger I have (thus far) got away with telling those wretched Baudelaire orphans, following the tragic (boo hoo ) death of their darling Ps: that is, that I have their very best interests at heart, and certainly did not become their guardian with the sole intention of getting my hands on their sizeable inheritance. To which end, I have, as some of you may already be aware, developed a suite of cunning disguises to prevent them from wriggling from my grasp.

So do tell - what are the magnificent lies you have told your DCs. Maybe you've told them a single bed has plenty of room for 3 DCs to share? Or that rocks are toys? Share your devious methods below and I will reward one of you with a £300 voucher...but only one of you, of course: life isn’t fair!

Yours ingeniously,

Count Olaf

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

In the lead up to Christmas/Easter, I used to tell my daughter that every night after she had fallen asleep, Santa/Easter bunny would ring me and ask if she had been well behaved that day. She would always ask the next day what I had said on the phone!

I told dd that farts are pink.

I had to explain to her that she couldn't see them because her eyes were not fully developed, she needed to be able to see in the infra-red spectrum which was only possible for eyes that were at least 18years old.

I hope very much that she's forgotten as she'll be 18 later this year and may come after me asking why her vision hasn't fully developed yet.

I did also once tell her that I was god. I can't really remember why. Needless to say, she didn't believe me.

People who become priests and nuns are born completely smooth between their legs, like dolls; that's how the parents know their baby's going to be religious and so to have their baby baptised.

Who the f*ck is Count Olaf and why are people replying to this pathetic journo thread???

It's a sponsored thread and I expect that people are replying in the hope of winning £300.

That the red light on the heating&hot water control panel is actually a little camera so that Santa can see when DS is being naughty

Told him that dates were chocolate...

I've set his clock back by an hour so by the time the suncomes up (it's a gro-clock) I'm a bit more ready to get up out of bed

Once added cauliflower cous-cous to his dinner & he didn't like it - so I told him it was chicken and he gobbled it up. I lie alot to trick him into eating!!

That a tomato ragu sauce was just that when in reality it was 'hiding' carrots, spinach and assorted other vegs.

Let me Google that for you wonderfulworld

That they didn't have the shoes/clothes they wanted in their size because I didn't like them

I told my daughter that a bag of toys I had collected for the charity shop was going for "a special clean and polish". She hadn't played with them for over a year and hasn't remembered to asked about them since.

That only Daddy feels the need to do 'wine o clock' on a Friday night - Mummy never does, because she loves her vocation of staying home with her two wonderful children...

we told our little one that the Lego store was Legoland, he got so excited and started cheering when we walked into the bluewater shop!

I told my kids that asparagus was only for grown ups as it was too expensive and too good for children and that I was sure they wouldn't like it until they begged to have some and even though the cringing looks said one thing, they swore they love it

When I walk into the room munching and they ask, it's always cheese never the actual chunk of chocolate!

Runner beans make you run fast so that he always clears his plate.

If we are eating yummy things that aren't really appropriate for our 16 month old we act like they taste horrid, and tell him we have to eat them as we have been naughty :)

We recently bought a dehumidifier and when my 6yo asked what dehumidifier meant we told him it was German for 'toy crusher'. We explained that at night, after he was in bed, it roamed the downstairs crushing any toys left on the lounge floor. I called in family members and friends to confirm this and even staged a 'crushing' of one of his baby brother's old toys.

My lounge floor has never been so clean.

I lie that we're late for school when we're not. If I don't DS(11) will crawl back into bed and fall asleep.

I have told my youngest son that he needs to get to grade one guitar before he's allowed an electric one.

Earlier today I heard my brother telling his 3 year old daughter that if she didn't eat her dinner that the hedgehogs on her jumper would run away (she loves her hedgehog jumper).

She ate all her dinner.

My 6 nearly 7 year old daughter asked me last Christmas (2016) why Santa leaves the big presents in the spare room before Christmas?

My reply was,"because on Christmas Eve Santa has so many presents to deliver all over the World and his sleigh gets very heavy for the reindeers to pull so his elves deliver bigger presents earlier and put them in a secret hiding place,which you found but must not look for them again as they might magically disappear.

That sprouts are tiny cabbages for fairies and green beans are magic worms. Yes this did get them to eat them.
That we don't have any money when they want something I don't want to buy.
And of course Santa, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny...

Dd 5, is a very fussy eater, she dreams of being a princess with long hair, so one day when she was 3, and as usual refusing to eat and we told her that chicken makes your hair grow! She now has long hair and will tell everyone who will listen that the reason is that she eats a lot of chicken...

Had to think hard about this one, it's really only the big Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairies that I can think of. I'm sure there are a few white lies aswell here and there that just smooth the path of the day.

When i tried to stop my son from having a dummy ( dodo ) I told him his was broken and was being repaired in the dodo shop, luckily he forgot about it and that was the end of that :)

When my eldest was younger, if somebody came to the house and I really didn't want to answer the door, I would tell her that it was a monster and to be really quiet...I did stop when she got scared every time there was a knock on the door Whoops!!